occupying my time
i just realized i never called kris... bad me... i was supposed to call her tonight and tell her all about my weekend... and what's going on in my life... i meant to do that too.... but my mind wandered... i ended up going upstairs and cleaning up a bit and doing a load of laundry... and making a mix... which i'm listening to right now and enjoying immensely at the moment.... it's not for me though...
greg ended up coming over after he left grandma's... we sat in my room and bullshitted, watched the mets and yanks... smoked some.... and i continued to make my mix...
i have the entire world blocked right now... well almost... but it just feels so relaxing... i can just sit and chill and write... and that's okay... i'm allowed to do that... alone time is not prohibited...
work today was so dreary... everyone is so gloomy lately... i think the weather probably has a lot to do with it... everyone is so tired of the rain... today could have been such a pleasant day for me... i was in a pretty good mood from the weekend and last night and then i get to work and it's like being thrown into a prison work camp or something.... it's depressing! i have to stick it out for a little while though since i'm going to be moving out of my house and all.... i can't afford to play around with my income.... at the same time that i'm playing it safe i should also be getting up off my ass and researching jobs or possible business opportunities... i'll never find something better by sitting around and doing nothing... i have to at least try to look....
wow, you ever hear a song again for the very first time... you know what i mean... i just heard something totally for the first time in a song i've listened to hundreds of times... i think i like the stereo i bought for my mom's livingroom.... i think i'm going to switch with my mom and take the smaller one from the livingroom to my apartment and give my mom the big one i have in my room.... it actually functions like each rack still works... and she can have her record player back.... i hijacked it... so much going on..... grandma has to have eye surgery... she won't be able to drive for weeks.... but it's all just a prelude anyway... she has a degenerative eye disease and it's most likely that she'll be blind before she dies.... it's really hard to deal with that for me.... my grandmother is my rock.... it's true.... i don't know if i've ever fully expressed that to her and i wish i was better at doing so with my family... i don't know why i have a problem being affectionate with my family... i mean i hug and all... but i'm just kinda closed up in that avenue... at least i feel like i am... maybe it's just me... but i think i'm being pretty objective considering... anyway... i love my grandmother and depend on her in ways that i can't even put into words... i am scared for when she dies.... i think i will be very much wrecked by it.... i don't even want to think about it... but it's hard not to... the older she gets... the more often the thought crosses my mind... it just does.... i hate that... now i'm thinking about my mother... and that freaks me out too.... my aunt and uncle just moved down to florida after having lived within an hour or less of my mom for my entire life.... most of the 6 "children" (my cousins) are grown, married and off on their own in other states.... only vicki and greg are left on long island.... what was once a huge luna occupancy of long island has dwindled to myself, my mother, grandma, vicki and greg... i worry about my mom when my grandma dies.... i think that it will be just as hard on her, i can't tell who it would be harder on.... i honestly just don't know.... i think we are all going to be deflated for a good amount of time.... she has been so dependable, not always in a good way... but she was pretty predictable.... even if she gave you a hard ass time over shit.... you knew she would.... you just deal with it and move on.... and yeah she's done some questionable things... but she would never turn her back on any of us, no matter how much she disagreed with what we did or got into... i'm talking like she's about to die, but i'm not thinking that... it's just the thought that comes and goes more often... and now a surgery.... that's how i lost my grandfather... to a surgery.... i just don't like anything medical....
i have to change the subject... i am so fucking thirsty and i'm like a spazz who can't remember to get a damn drink... this mix is pretty cool.... definitely dangerous depending on the mood...
i'm having dinner at grandma's tomorrow night with my mom... i'm looking forward to the meal...
i think i'm going to smoke a cigarette now... and perhaps if i have another burst of babble i'll add more later... or maybe not...
greg ended up coming over after he left grandma's... we sat in my room and bullshitted, watched the mets and yanks... smoked some.... and i continued to make my mix...
i have the entire world blocked right now... well almost... but it just feels so relaxing... i can just sit and chill and write... and that's okay... i'm allowed to do that... alone time is not prohibited...
work today was so dreary... everyone is so gloomy lately... i think the weather probably has a lot to do with it... everyone is so tired of the rain... today could have been such a pleasant day for me... i was in a pretty good mood from the weekend and last night and then i get to work and it's like being thrown into a prison work camp or something.... it's depressing! i have to stick it out for a little while though since i'm going to be moving out of my house and all.... i can't afford to play around with my income.... at the same time that i'm playing it safe i should also be getting up off my ass and researching jobs or possible business opportunities... i'll never find something better by sitting around and doing nothing... i have to at least try to look....
wow, you ever hear a song again for the very first time... you know what i mean... i just heard something totally for the first time in a song i've listened to hundreds of times... i think i like the stereo i bought for my mom's livingroom.... i think i'm going to switch with my mom and take the smaller one from the livingroom to my apartment and give my mom the big one i have in my room.... it actually functions like each rack still works... and she can have her record player back.... i hijacked it... so much going on..... grandma has to have eye surgery... she won't be able to drive for weeks.... but it's all just a prelude anyway... she has a degenerative eye disease and it's most likely that she'll be blind before she dies.... it's really hard to deal with that for me.... my grandmother is my rock.... it's true.... i don't know if i've ever fully expressed that to her and i wish i was better at doing so with my family... i don't know why i have a problem being affectionate with my family... i mean i hug and all... but i'm just kinda closed up in that avenue... at least i feel like i am... maybe it's just me... but i think i'm being pretty objective considering... anyway... i love my grandmother and depend on her in ways that i can't even put into words... i am scared for when she dies.... i think i will be very much wrecked by it.... i don't even want to think about it... but it's hard not to... the older she gets... the more often the thought crosses my mind... it just does.... i hate that... now i'm thinking about my mother... and that freaks me out too.... my aunt and uncle just moved down to florida after having lived within an hour or less of my mom for my entire life.... most of the 6 "children" (my cousins) are grown, married and off on their own in other states.... only vicki and greg are left on long island.... what was once a huge luna occupancy of long island has dwindled to myself, my mother, grandma, vicki and greg... i worry about my mom when my grandma dies.... i think that it will be just as hard on her, i can't tell who it would be harder on.... i honestly just don't know.... i think we are all going to be deflated for a good amount of time.... she has been so dependable, not always in a good way... but she was pretty predictable.... even if she gave you a hard ass time over shit.... you knew she would.... you just deal with it and move on.... and yeah she's done some questionable things... but she would never turn her back on any of us, no matter how much she disagreed with what we did or got into... i'm talking like she's about to die, but i'm not thinking that... it's just the thought that comes and goes more often... and now a surgery.... that's how i lost my grandfather... to a surgery.... i just don't like anything medical....
i have to change the subject... i am so fucking thirsty and i'm like a spazz who can't remember to get a damn drink... this mix is pretty cool.... definitely dangerous depending on the mood...
i'm having dinner at grandma's tomorrow night with my mom... i'm looking forward to the meal...
i think i'm going to smoke a cigarette now... and perhaps if i have another burst of babble i'll add more later... or maybe not...