don't you want somebody to love....
don't you need somebody to love.... once again the classic rock music channel is tuned in on my satellite receiver.... i really truly was born a couple decades late.... i should be pushing 50.... not 30.... but here i am.... i can reminisce in my own odd way.... jefferson airplane... my exposure to airplane is almost 99% due to CHINA BEACH... i don't know, maybe i heard their stuff prior to CHINA BEACH... and just wasn't so aware of it... but that show brought that band into my life.... it was GO ASK ALICE that was featured in one episode... and that got me to buy SURREALISTIC PILLOW... and presto change-o...
it's only 11pm... i have a chance at actually getting some decent sleep tonight... will it happen??? we shall see.... shan was online tonight... she is still planning on coming to the VU show... however she has not been able to fully commit... i got a, "i should make the show" what the hell is that? it's kinda weird the closer it gets though, i mean i am almost kinda getting nervous at the idea of seeing her... how bizarre is that? i have butterflies and chills right now just thinking about it.... i just want everything to go smoothly with her getting to the show on time and us meeting up with her and getting in and getting a decent view... shan NEEDS TO SEE THEM!!! i warned her that she would be forever changed after next friday night.... i can't imagine that she wouldn't love them... but good lord, if she doesn't love them after friday night.... then it is the right thing that we didn't end up together.... i'm so funny... you'd think she broke up with me.... so weird to think that i broke up with her.... i think it was only because she didn't have the, i don't know what she didn't have, but neither one of us were happy at the end.... why didn't she break up with me? it was such a mellow break up considering we were living together and had been dating for 35 months.... jesus... that's a lot of months... that's probably more months than all the rest of my somewhat serious relationships put together.... that's not accurate.... my relationship with cathy is so fuzzy to me at this point.... i know that we started officially going out in july of 1995.... and i think we were together for 11 months and then cathy broke up with me for rob.... that's when i started getting closer with dave and ended up with him.... then cathy wooed me back.... so i was back with cathy for awhile again.... then i broke up with her to get back with dave.... and that was the end of cathy and i for good.... but then i was with dave off and on about 6 breakups and makeups if i remember correctly and that took me right up to my 21st birthday in may of 1997.... then i kinda lived with darlene on campus and we had that thing we had.... then darlene called me one night and said 'guess where i am'... and the rest is really history.... i hooked up with shan and we officially started going out in july of 1997 and were together until june of 2000.... it'll be three years since we broke up... that's crazy.... no wonder i'm craving real love so bad.... it's been 3 years since i last even sniffed it.... and by that time shan and i had pretty much fallen out of love.... we did continue to live together however for about 6 months after we broke up and we did have a few encounters as ex's that were quite enjoyable indeed.... the last one being in january of 2001 right before she started dating her current love.... the one i will probably never understand... because i will probably never get to see them interact due to the fact that shan and i can't even be friends due to the jealousy of her girlfriend and shan's sudden inability to stand up for herself.... but then this always brings me back to the conundrum of... am i just jealous... i don't think i'm jealous because she doesn't seem happy.... she's never got anything good to say about their lives together and how the relationship is... but then she talks about marriage... like seriously getting married and settling down and what not... this idea baffles me.... perhaps the one thing that really rings out in my head over and over is what shan said to me in one of our more recent phone conversations.... she said something like.... "i feel like i can't really be myself around her"............ um HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOO! christ... how can you think about marrying someone you can't be yourself with.... what is that about? i don't get it... i don't know if she's scared of being alone... of starting over again... of never really finding true love.... or maybe she really is in love with this woman... but it just doesn't seem possible from her description of her girlfriend.... i never hear anything good... .i think the only cool thing i've heard about was that chris had bought her a violin for some occasion... and i thought that was a very cool and thoughtful gift.... but that was like the only positive thing i heard about in over 2 years!!!! everything else... thumbs down...
-------------- billy joe shot a man while robbin his castle, bobby sue took the money and run -----------------
musical interjection to cut the tension.... anyway... i'm not sure why i think so much about shan... it's probably just a longing for something that was so comfortable and pretty real and solid.... or at least something that could have been that way had i been a bit more mature when we were together.... but nothing i can do about that now.... it's irrational for me to "want her back", like kris had said, i don't want her i want that feeling.... she stirs that feeling in me though.... i will never forget the night we re-met.... i know i've probably written about this so many times but i guess it just makes me feel good... why else would i dwell on it over and over again.... it's kind of a dark twisted pleasure i guess... shan was so beautiful that night.... when i think of shan i will always picture that woman in my mind... i walked up the stairs... i pushed open the door to the little apt she once shared with nancy and there she was standing over a folding table, her hair short to her jaw line and covering the side of her face, then she looks up and smiles and i melt instaneously.... she was so beautiful... the most beautiful thing i had ever laid eyes on in my life.... and even to this day i cannot think of a more beautiful image that i've seen since.... it's amazing.... maybe i do love her.... maybe i love her in the caring ex g/f kinda way.... maybe i just don't want to see her get hurt... maybe i just don't want to see her waste what she has to offer on someone who can't give her back in return....
this camping excursion this weekend is going to be quite interesting.... i'll be without technology for basically 3 days.... ackk! i have so much to do tomorrow.... i have to figure out what i'm going to wear... what i'm going to bring to entertain myself.... i have to go out and get some like poncho type thing because it's gonna rain the whole damn weekend most likely.... i really don't want to take my car up to watkins glen.... she's been doing a lot of travelling lately... but hey, she's a car that's what she's supposed to do right? i don't feel like driving this weekend.... but that could have something to do with the fact that i'm dead ass tired right now.... i need to write out my bills tomorrow night too.... take care of shit before i disappear into the woods for a wet weekend of wonder.... it would have been to much to ask for my first camping excursion to have nice weather.... oh well... what can ya do? i'm not sure if i want to worry about the security of my camera on this trip.... if i brought it i wouldn't want to leave it laying around... but i wouldn't want to have to lug it around the entire time either.... and if it's going to be raining.... i just don't know.... if i had a camera case for it i'd probably feel a bit better about it.... i really need to get a case for that thing.... maybe i'll get some writing done this weekend... i should bring the boombox thingy i have and record some of our conversations to send to chris.... we'll see how ambitious i get tomorrow... so much shit to do.... poor planning on my part... i'm such a procrastinator... so bad!
okay my body is tired from this damn computer chair.... time for bed!
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it's only 11pm... i have a chance at actually getting some decent sleep tonight... will it happen??? we shall see.... shan was online tonight... she is still planning on coming to the VU show... however she has not been able to fully commit... i got a, "i should make the show" what the hell is that? it's kinda weird the closer it gets though, i mean i am almost kinda getting nervous at the idea of seeing her... how bizarre is that? i have butterflies and chills right now just thinking about it.... i just want everything to go smoothly with her getting to the show on time and us meeting up with her and getting in and getting a decent view... shan NEEDS TO SEE THEM!!! i warned her that she would be forever changed after next friday night.... i can't imagine that she wouldn't love them... but good lord, if she doesn't love them after friday night.... then it is the right thing that we didn't end up together.... i'm so funny... you'd think she broke up with me.... so weird to think that i broke up with her.... i think it was only because she didn't have the, i don't know what she didn't have, but neither one of us were happy at the end.... why didn't she break up with me? it was such a mellow break up considering we were living together and had been dating for 35 months.... jesus... that's a lot of months... that's probably more months than all the rest of my somewhat serious relationships put together.... that's not accurate.... my relationship with cathy is so fuzzy to me at this point.... i know that we started officially going out in july of 1995.... and i think we were together for 11 months and then cathy broke up with me for rob.... that's when i started getting closer with dave and ended up with him.... then cathy wooed me back.... so i was back with cathy for awhile again.... then i broke up with her to get back with dave.... and that was the end of cathy and i for good.... but then i was with dave off and on about 6 breakups and makeups if i remember correctly and that took me right up to my 21st birthday in may of 1997.... then i kinda lived with darlene on campus and we had that thing we had.... then darlene called me one night and said 'guess where i am'... and the rest is really history.... i hooked up with shan and we officially started going out in july of 1997 and were together until june of 2000.... it'll be three years since we broke up... that's crazy.... no wonder i'm craving real love so bad.... it's been 3 years since i last even sniffed it.... and by that time shan and i had pretty much fallen out of love.... we did continue to live together however for about 6 months after we broke up and we did have a few encounters as ex's that were quite enjoyable indeed.... the last one being in january of 2001 right before she started dating her current love.... the one i will probably never understand... because i will probably never get to see them interact due to the fact that shan and i can't even be friends due to the jealousy of her girlfriend and shan's sudden inability to stand up for herself.... but then this always brings me back to the conundrum of... am i just jealous... i don't think i'm jealous because she doesn't seem happy.... she's never got anything good to say about their lives together and how the relationship is... but then she talks about marriage... like seriously getting married and settling down and what not... this idea baffles me.... perhaps the one thing that really rings out in my head over and over is what shan said to me in one of our more recent phone conversations.... she said something like.... "i feel like i can't really be myself around her"............ um HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOO! christ... how can you think about marrying someone you can't be yourself with.... what is that about? i don't get it... i don't know if she's scared of being alone... of starting over again... of never really finding true love.... or maybe she really is in love with this woman... but it just doesn't seem possible from her description of her girlfriend.... i never hear anything good... .i think the only cool thing i've heard about was that chris had bought her a violin for some occasion... and i thought that was a very cool and thoughtful gift.... but that was like the only positive thing i heard about in over 2 years!!!! everything else... thumbs down...
-------------- billy joe shot a man while robbin his castle, bobby sue took the money and run -----------------
musical interjection to cut the tension.... anyway... i'm not sure why i think so much about shan... it's probably just a longing for something that was so comfortable and pretty real and solid.... or at least something that could have been that way had i been a bit more mature when we were together.... but nothing i can do about that now.... it's irrational for me to "want her back", like kris had said, i don't want her i want that feeling.... she stirs that feeling in me though.... i will never forget the night we re-met.... i know i've probably written about this so many times but i guess it just makes me feel good... why else would i dwell on it over and over again.... it's kind of a dark twisted pleasure i guess... shan was so beautiful that night.... when i think of shan i will always picture that woman in my mind... i walked up the stairs... i pushed open the door to the little apt she once shared with nancy and there she was standing over a folding table, her hair short to her jaw line and covering the side of her face, then she looks up and smiles and i melt instaneously.... she was so beautiful... the most beautiful thing i had ever laid eyes on in my life.... and even to this day i cannot think of a more beautiful image that i've seen since.... it's amazing.... maybe i do love her.... maybe i love her in the caring ex g/f kinda way.... maybe i just don't want to see her get hurt... maybe i just don't want to see her waste what she has to offer on someone who can't give her back in return....
this camping excursion this weekend is going to be quite interesting.... i'll be without technology for basically 3 days.... ackk! i have so much to do tomorrow.... i have to figure out what i'm going to wear... what i'm going to bring to entertain myself.... i have to go out and get some like poncho type thing because it's gonna rain the whole damn weekend most likely.... i really don't want to take my car up to watkins glen.... she's been doing a lot of travelling lately... but hey, she's a car that's what she's supposed to do right? i don't feel like driving this weekend.... but that could have something to do with the fact that i'm dead ass tired right now.... i need to write out my bills tomorrow night too.... take care of shit before i disappear into the woods for a wet weekend of wonder.... it would have been to much to ask for my first camping excursion to have nice weather.... oh well... what can ya do? i'm not sure if i want to worry about the security of my camera on this trip.... if i brought it i wouldn't want to leave it laying around... but i wouldn't want to have to lug it around the entire time either.... and if it's going to be raining.... i just don't know.... if i had a camera case for it i'd probably feel a bit better about it.... i really need to get a case for that thing.... maybe i'll get some writing done this weekend... i should bring the boombox thingy i have and record some of our conversations to send to chris.... we'll see how ambitious i get tomorrow... so much shit to do.... poor planning on my part... i'm such a procrastinator... so bad!
okay my body is tired from this damn computer chair.... time for bed!
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