CSI-fic: Objects in the rear view mirror (7/17)
Title: Objects in the rear view mirror
Author: TXLtoSFO
Fandom: CSI:LV
Pairing: Sara Sidle/OC Eli Trent & Sofia Curtis
Rating: I give it an overall NC-17, cos I don't wanna rate each chapter individually.
Disclaimer: CSI, its characters, places, and situations are property of Jerry Bruckheimer Television, Alliance Atlantis and CBS Productions. This story was written for entertainment, not monetary purposes. Original characters, and this story are intellectual property of the author. Any similarities to existing characters, fictional or real, living or dead, are coincidental and no harm is intended.
Spoiler/Warnings: Character death
Summary/Note: This is a sequel to my story 'Mistakes', which you can find on my LJ or on ff.net, where I go by the name Foodwise. It is dark and ventures completely off canon, there's not much of CSI left you're going to recognise.
A life-changing event drives Eli away from Vegas. Set roughly three years after the events in 'Mistakes'. You will need to have read that one to understand what is happening here.
Notes: So is Sofia giving up so quickly? There is more to the connection those two share than met the eye so far... First chapter of practically a two-parter, even more flashback in the next chapter.
Objects in the rear view mirror
7. Make it without you
Just like she'd suspected, Sofia found Eli on the wrap-around terrace. Staring into the starry, black-blue night sky, smoking, a bottle of Gentleman Jack at her feet, half empty. Her towel-dry locks waved a bit in the off-shore breeze, her unbuttoned shirt, sleeves rolled up, rippled with every gust across her back and the front tails fluttered unsteadily.
Trails of tears were visible on her cheeks, still wet, or again, still the occasional one escaped Eli's reddened eyes.
Sofia wondered just how many times she could stand being pushed away, how long she could keep up her supportive stance without letting herself get hurt too much, just how much rejection she was able to endure.
Listening to Eli you could think she'd come here to gloat. To watch the silent downfall of a distinguished, well-mannered, polite woman in malice.
The dark and dangerously low voice spoke quietly, almost inaudible for Sofia.
"What the fuck are you still doing here? I told you to get the hell out of my life."
Quietly, calmly Sofia replied.
"I can't."
"Oh yes, you can. You don't want me to make you. Or is there a masochistic side to yourself I didn't know of yet? Because if you try to stay, this might get ugly. No, it will get ugly."
Sofia sucked in a breath and mentally prepared herself for another round. To be left behind bruised and battered by Eli's harsh and hurtful words, on her knees by the time Eli'd be done with her, probably figuratively crawling back to her hotel room to nurse her emotional wounds. Missing her best friend, worrying about the immense change in Eli's personality, torn between compassion, the need to help Eli out of that great void and the anger that she'd let herself be treated like that. Like she meant nothing to Eli, like she was nothing but an annoying discomfort, a stalker almost.
"I think I might be more prepared for that than you assume."
Eli turned and despite the tears, her brown eyes held a vivid, fiery, but cold sparkle. Sofia forced herself not to twitch, step back or even do so much as blink. This Eli was almost unpredictable. But just almost.
"Are you?" Eli took a calculated step forwards, throwing all of the physical strength that was left in her into her movement, her posture, make herself appear as powerful as possible. And another step.
"Still so arrogant, still so smug. It's what you've always been. It's what makes you so intriguing and yet so despicable at the same time. Cocky. But you don't wanna mess with me right now, trust me. It's been a long time since I felt this much anger, Sofia. You know what I'd be doing right now if you hadn't shown up? I'd be fucking that girls brains out. But I'm not. No, I'm standing here fucking arguing with you, who can't understand what 'No.' or 'Get out.' or 'Leave me alone.' means. Have you even been listening to me? Do you hear me, Sofia?" Eli started to talk quicker, her voice adapting a loud and violent tone, her fists clenching.
Unconsciously, Sofia did take a step back. She'd lie to herself if she didn't admit that she was, despite better judgment, becoming a bit afraid of Eli.
"I-" she started.
"I- what? What?" The mockery in Eli's voice hit her like a slap. "I want to annoy you? I want to make you angry?" Another step forward, fast, and Sofia staggered back, surprised at her own reaction. She wasn't like that. She wasn't easily intimidated, easily frightened. But this was no interrogation room, not a suspect that however brutal and abhorrent his deeds had been, she could stare down without even so much as a twitch. This was someone she'd trusted, supported, shared everything with. Someone she'd seen at her worst and her best, someone she could read like a book, knew every emotion displayed on her face, someone she had held so many times, someone she had gotten to know intimately, someone she had shared kisses with, someone she had loved. Loved. What was left of that?
Her back hit the wall. Dead end. All of this had happened in mere seconds and Eli's fist slammed into the brick wall beside her head and Sofia cringed. She'd desperately tried not to, but no avail. Her body simply reacted. Despite her utmost trust in Eli. But one step further and she'd...
"I am fucking angry. If you were Leonard, I'd have punched and kicked your ass by now. And believe me, I want to. But you're-" Eli buried her face in her free hand and took a deep breath. As she met Sofia's widened blue eyes again, her stare was reproachful and suddenly emotionless.
"You know that you're being an ignorant, annoying bitch, huh? Get out!"
And Eli turned abruptly and returned to the railing, taking a swig out of the bottle.
Sofia just stood, trying to appear much more unfazed than she felt and didn't react to Eli's disgusted remark, when all she wanted to do was to stomp over to Eli, shake her, slap her, punch her, yell at her, then hug her so tightly even Eli would have to understand that she wasn't alone, that she didn't need to be alone, that there still were things, people, friends, challenges, experiences worth climbing out of that hole Eli had dug for herself. Make her herself again.
"Sofia Curtis, I thought I'd made myself clear, this is your last out. I don't want you here, I sure as hell don't need you here and I want you to go. Just turn around and go. Leave me be. Get on with your life. You've made it through 34 years without me before, so why don't you just forget about me."
Forget about Eli? Not a chance in hell.
Sofia pushed herself off the wall, a new confidence in her, though she had no idea where she took that from.
"I'm not leaving until I'm convinced you at least bear a resemblance to being you again. Not this purposeless, angry, fucked-up, chain-smoking, drugged-up drunk. Whoring through this city. That's what you do, isn't it? Fucking the pain away? So I did cross your plans, oh, I'm so not sorry. I know you, Eli, I've seen you prowl around tonight. You're good at that, you know? It's practised, it's successful every time I guess."
Eli growled. She growled. But her shoulders slacked. The balance was shifting.
Sofia took slow steps towards Eli, knowing that by mentioning what was a fact, but had still been left unsaid so far, she moved into potentially dangerous territory.
Eli bucked once more, still trying to shake Sofia off.
"Oh yes, every time. More than ever before. You should know, Sofia, how they feel. Don't try and play dirty with me, I'm better at that. You've been there. Wanting me."
It was a low blow, but one Sofia had expected, and she watched how the strength started to leave Eli. How the fight started to leak out of her. This whole night had already taken too much out of her, she just wanted to get rid of Sofia and fall into bed. A couple of Tylenols. Sleep. Forget. Why didn't she just leave?
Sofia didn't even seem to have registered her come-back. She was on a roll now.
"Tell me, do you feel something when you fuck those women, those girls? Or is it just that in those fleeting moments, that are over oh so quickly since I'm guessing you don't allow them to return the favour, geez, I suppose you don't even bother undressing yourself, that you feel like you still have a certain amount of control, of power over something? Just to numb the pain and the remorse and the guilt you feel afterwards with more drugs and more alcohol?"
As if on cue, Eli took another gulp. Tired. So damn tired of fighting. Another swig. If she'd just pass out, it would be over. At least for tonight. She swayed a bit on the spot and opened her mouth to fire another tirade at her former friend, but what came out instead she hadn't planned. To tell the truth.
"I'm always numb. I'm dead inside, Sofia, I can't feel anymore. I don't feel a thing."
Startled by the cold, but so revealing response she hadn't anticipated, Sofia's anger diminished and she felt the first cracks in the armor she'd put on to shield herself from letting any of Eli's responses get to her.
"There are other ways, Eli. You did it before, you used your profession to find purpose. You're in control there. Serve and protect. You can safe others from the same or similar fates."
The urge to reach out, to grab Eli by the collar and pull her into her arms grew desperate as a renewed wave of silent sobs suddenly shook Eli's body fiercely.
Oh God, don't break, just don't. She could just walk away and lock herself into her bedroom. Why didn't she just end this? But the words flowed out of her, beyond her control.
"That's nothing but an illusion, I can't control what's happening on the job. For one crime we prevent, we still have to deal with at least ten victims who hadn't had that luck. I can't face that again. I just can't. I'll either turn to stone or I'll break down completely."
Tentatively, Sofia stretched out her arm and her hand softly settled down on Eli's shoulder. A violent shudder ran through the length of Eli's body as she flinched at the light touch, shrugging it off.
"Don't. Don't touch me, Fia." The fear in Eli's cracking voice was almost tangible, but the use of the nickname she hadn't heard fall from her friends lips in so long spurred Sofia on.
"What do you think is going to happen if I do? What are you so afraid of, having your friends around? A friend around."
"I don't need your pity. I don't want to be comforted."
Taking another step forward, just barely invading Eli's space, Sofia scrutinized her in profile.
"I don't pity you. I'm worried, seriously worried. I've been so damn worried all this time. You're not as cold as you pretend to be. You're not as collected apart from those tears that you can't stop as you want to make everyone believe. But stop pitying yourself and start grieving. There's a world of pain inside you and as long as you don't let it out, you'll never be in control of anything again. And you think the compassionate and comforting touch of someone who really cares about you and for whom you care, or at least did so in the past if I wasn't completely mistaken, just as much, will do that to you, break down those barriers and you're so afraid to feel that hurt full force that you pushed everyone away."
Eli's breath hitched and the tears stopped falling. She felt Sofia's threatening closeness, she felt the heavy weight of the truth her words had held. The ease with which Sofia still read her, knew her, really frightened her. She already felt numb, just how empty would she feel after she allowed herself to set all that pain free?
"That's cruel, Sofia. It is cruel to try and force that out of me. I don't want to go through that. Like this, like right now, I can survive. But I don't know if I can if..."
The warmth of a hand on her forearm penetrated Eli's daze and she felt herself starting to falter. Felt her last defenses crumble as the familiarity of the reassuring, caring, loving touch seeped into her skin and into her mind.
One simple touch and it made her knees go weak and she felt the sharp sting in her eyes again before the warmth reached her heart, along with Sofia's next, whispered words.
This was why she had put a distance between herself and everyone else. Everyone she loved. She didn't want this to happen and she knew it would. If someone would dare to just hold her, tell her she wasn't alone, tell her she had help dealing with all this, she knew she couldn't help herself anymore. She'd break. Sofia was about to break her, didn't she see that? She just couldn't break.
"I know you can. You can and you will survive. And not just that, you'll live, one day you'll live again. You'll find a way to go on, I know! You are one of the most strong-willed people I have ever met. You turned your life around before, you fought the pain and you fought feeling useless and empty, and you told me about the effort that had taken you. I know that that strength still exists. You can battle with those fears, with all this hurt, with the loss. It might seem unbearable right now, but it's not. You know, that quote you recited at the service came into my mind again. Whatever you were to each other, you still are. Life means the same it ever meant, it is the same it ever was. She's just around the corner. Out of sight, not out of mind. And surely never out of your heart. All can be well, Eli, you just have to learn to see that. She's waiting for you, she wouldn't have wanted you to change, she wouldn't have wanted you to suffer and she sure wouldn't want to see you treating yourself like this. She'll always be there, because she's so deep inside you, she's a part of you. And she'd want nothing more than to see you live your life, as happily as possible. She'd be so proud to see you go on. But right now, she'd kick your fucking skinny ass."
Sofia put emphasis on the last words and Eli felt a pang around her heart as if some cords had been cut as slender arms encircled her and held her, close, determined, almost brassbound and the words 'I know you can.' and 'Let it all out, let it go.' were muttered into her ear over and over again.
She wanted to be angry, to yell at Sofia for telling her what Sara would have wanted or said or thought. How did she dare speaking for her? She wanted to push her away, she wanted to hurt her, physically, for making her feel like that. For knowing which words needed to be said to get through to her. To make her feel like this. So weak. So much feeling. So much pain. In loving arms. She didn't deserve love. There was no more love. She was gone and she'd never ever get to be embraced, kissed, loved, held, supported, caught, freed by the one person she needed for her to do all that.
And Eli broke.
"Sara!" She gasped out, so strangled and hoarse, with so much pain that tears shot into Sofia's eyes, spilling over, and she felt her insides churn in pure reaction to the belated, real, ultimate awareness that made Eli's legs buckle under her once again and together they sank to the terracotta tiled floor.
And Sofia wasn't pushed away, she was being held in a death grip as Eli sobbed uncontrollably, wailed, moaned. Cried like she'd never seen someone crying.
So she gathered the taller woman in her lap, letting her lean fully into her smaller frame as Eli still clung to her for dear life, and rocked her gently. Trembling herself, crying for and with her friend.
"I can't go on, Fia, I can't, not without her, I don't know how. She was my everything. She was my home."
Sofia clenched her jaw and tried to blink some of her own tears away, but they kept on falling. She pressed her face into dark locks and kissed Eli's crown, her breathing ragged and her own voice strained.
"I'm not going to leave you alone in this. I won't allow you to push me away again. I'm here and I'll stay here as long as you need me. I'm not leaving you alone. You can kick and scream and insult and mock me, but I'll get you through this. Whatever it takes, whatever you need, I'll make sure you get it."
Eli sobbed again and felt the honesty, the devotedness in Sofia's words. She let herself go and fell into the warm touch, into the soothing rocking motion. And cried.
Sofia shuddered. Holding Eli like this brought memories back she had sworn to herself never to revisit. That they had sworn to themselves and to each other to never mention again, to simply bury and forget. Even Sara never knew of the one day Eli had broken before. But there had been too many triggers today, too many words they had spat at each other before, and this time it had ended harmless by way of comparison. The fear Sofia had felt had a reason. Eli's reluctance to get physical with her had a reason. As did the trust they had in each other. A trust that went deeper than anything Sofia had ever felt. A trust Eli had proved being worthy of only in the very last second...
Sofia willed the memories away and held on even closer, though the sobs had turned into sniffles and Eli started shifting in her arms.
"What are you thinking about?" She asked huskily.
"You know what."
"And that was another reason I didn't want especially you close to me through this. I'll never forget that day."
"Eli-"
"No. God, I've made so many mistakes in my life."
"Forget about those. How do you feel?"
Eli slowly untangled herself out of the comfortable embrace, trembling at the cold that engulfed her as soon as Sofia's arms fell from her body. She immediately reached for the bottle, put Sofia beat her to it and placed it out of Eli's reach.
"No. No more alcohol for you today. You've had more than enough. And you're going to tell me where your other stuff is. It's going down the toilet. You don't need it."
"I'm already in too deep. Take it away from me now, completely, you'll have to go through detoxification with me. And don't want to put you through that."
Sofia raised her brow at her friend.
"With you? So I'm allowed here? I don't get thrown out once you recover from this first breakdown? Once you get back to being detached and numb?"
Eli cringed and took a couple of deep breaths.
"I think it's too late now. This is the point I tried to avoid so hard. Now I'd even say I will really need you here. If you're willing to put up with me. There's no going back anymore. And I have no clue how to get through."
Throwing Eli a cautious glance, Sofia nodded slowly.
"I told you I wouldn't leave you alone. I'm not going anywhere. And I think there is nothing left you could say or do to me that we haven't already been through in the past. But be damn sure of one thing, if you ever get physical with me again, I won't hesitate a second, I won't provoke you and trust for you to do the right thing, I won't even warn you before I'll bring you down. Not caring whether I hurt you or not. Because that day, you were sober. Now you surely won't be. Or in withdrawal, which could make it even worse."
Eli leaned against the railing, pulling her knees up to her body and resting her arms on them. She looked at Sofia with shame in her eyes.
"If I ever even so much as touch you the wrong way, I want you to beat the crap out of me. Until the day-" She took a rattling breath, tears filling her eyes immediately, but she forced herself to say it out loud. "Until the day Sara died, I thought I'd never feel pain like that day again, Sofia. I couldn't look at myself for a pretty long time."
A long and pregnant silence followed as the two women stared at each other, Sofia sensing that that was by far not all Eli wanted to say.
"What is it? There's something you're not telling me."
Eli cracked her neck nervously and looked out upon the bay once more.
"I can't believe I never told her. No matter what the consequences would have been. You have no idea how I feel about having her die on me with this extra weight resting on my shoulders. She would have deserved to know. Hell, we were about to get married. And I kept that from her. I'm a liar and a cheater and I never told her. I hate myself for that."
"I'm sorry." Sofia offered, but she knew there was nothing she could do to erase the guilt or pain. What had happened, had happened, they couldn't take it back.
"It was my decision to make. I could have said no, despite the circumstances."
Sofia reached out and took Eli's shaking hand in hers.
"I guess we have got some coming to terms with the past to do, too. God, Eli, where do we even start?"
"You could start with telling me that you're not angry that I think what we did after-" Eli raised her brows and Sofia just nodded. "-was a mistake."
Sofia squeezed her eyes shut. Images flashed before them in rapid succession.
The second Sofia picked up the phone, Eli started talking in a rush of panicked words.
"She's gone, Fia. She left me. Most of her clothes are gone and her laptop and some more of her stuff. I did nothing, nothing! It was just a game to get the information I needed. I didn't even touch that woman - inappropriately. I pulled a CAth on her, it was so harmless. Tell me why she still doesn't trust me? After all I've done to make her see, after all I proved to her, time and time again that I've really changed. Why the fuck doesn't she trust me even this much? The first pretty face that comes along and she suspects instantly that I would cheat on her? Sofia... I can't lose her. I just can't. I'm afraid won't survive it this time."
Eli had completely lost it. She sobbed into the phone so hard that Sofia was sure she could barely understand what she answered. She heard Eli trying to suppress the sobs, but she didn't succeed.
"Eli, Eli, calm down, please! I- wait a second." She covered the speaker and told her current girlfriend, Lara, what was happening.
"Honey, I gotta go, don't be mad."
"No, I'm not, just get dressed and drive over to her."
"She's my best friend, I have to-"
"Fia, just go. No need to worry about me."
"I'll eventually stay there over night, are you sure you won't mind?"
"Oh goodness gracious, get your ass over to Eli. Stay as long as you need to stay. Just call me some time to let me know how you are okay? Honey, that's my jeans. Oh Christ, give me that phone!"
The redhead had snatched the cell out of Sofia's hand, who had tried to hurriedly get into the wrong pair of jeans, the first she'd picked up from the clutter of recently discarded clothes on the floor beside the bed. God, Eli had chosen a bad moment for that. She listened to her girlfriend trying to talk her best friend down while she got dressed.
"Hey Eli, this is Lara. She'll be on her way in a minute, okay? Eli, you gotta keep it together. I don't know what happened, but I've seen the two of you together and if I was ever sure of a love when I saw one, it is what you and Sara have. Believe me, it's not over. Okay, I'll hand you back to Fia, she's ready to go. Take care, okay? Don't do anything stupid."
Sofia grabbed her purse and keys and took the cell back.
"Eli? Is your spare key still in that flower box?"
All Eli could manage was "Uh-huh.".
"Alright, I'll be there in a flash. I'm already on my way to the car. Ten minutes, tops. I love you, it's going to be okay, Eli."
"O-Okay. Thanks, Fia."
"See you in a sec."
She hung up, kissed her resignatedly smiling girlfriend soundly and threw her one last apologetic glance as Lara fell back into the cushions, naked as she was and just shook her head with a smile.
She rushed out the door and knew she was going to break any traffic rule there was to get to Eli as fast as she could.
*******
"Eli!" Sofia ripped the door open and approached Eli, who sat on the couch, rocking herself with her arms around her legs. The plunges into the couch beside her and instantly threw her arms around the sobbing woman. Eli buried my head in her long blonde hair, holding on to her tightly. She cried into her shoulder and Sofia soothed her, ran her hands down her back, whispered encouragements in her ear.
After what seems like an eternity Sofia slowly let go of Eli and grunted a bit as she moved into a more comfortable position, massaging her right leg that had fallen asleep.
"Thank you. I needed that, Fia. I let her down. She was desperate and exhausted and this close to breaking down and I wasn't there for her. I bit off more than I could chew with that investigation and I was so determined to prove something, I'm not even sure of what, that I simply forgot about caring. How could I have been so blind and dumb. And then on top of that I tried to have her removed from her case behind her back. I broke her trust. Now she's gone."
"Have you tried calling her?"
"Damn sure I have. Her cell is going directly to voice mail. Then I tried Greg. He was really short and just said he doesn't know where she is. Probably somewhere out in the desert."
Sofia took Eli's shaking hand and squeezed it tightly.
"So she's at Greg's. That's a good thing. Going to someone you are both close with is a good sign, you know?"
"How's that a good sign when he sounds like he wants to strangle me over the phone. She's been his friend for years and he trusts her completely. Whatever she will be telling him, he'll believe it."
Sofia watched Eli ineffectively bite back another wave of sobs.
"I hate this. I hate feeling so weak, so not in control, not even in control over my own body".
Sofia shuffled closer yet again.
"Aw, give him some credit. Greg is a lot of things, but he isn't judgmental and he doesn't jump to conclusions. It's natural that he takes care of Sara at first, but he won't built his opinion upon one-sided information."
Eli sniffled a bit, but nodded weakly.
"Tell me what to do, Eli, I'm not really good at these things." She really didn't know how to deal with this, but Eli looked up at her in surprise. "You're perfect. You left your girlfriend behind in what seemed like a very intimate moment I interrupted and were by my side in the blink of an eye. You're here. That's all I need."
Sofia smiled cheekily and pulled out the sofa, fetched a few blankets and pillows and they lied down side by side. They didn't talk much more. Running her hand down Eli's side in a calming rhythm, Sofia fell asleep just shortly after Eli finally gave up on fighting her exhaustion and wrapped in her friend's embrace her breathing had evened out.
"Sofia, tell me you're not angry..." Eli's voice brought her back from reliving that day.
She slowly opened her eyes and they fixated the anxious looking woman in front of her.
Inhaling, she stalled answering. The ambiguity of her feelings churned her up. But there was only one possible answer.
"I'm not angry or mad or disappointed. Quite some time has passed. And all I ever was is shocked. I'll never, for the rest of my life, forget anything that happened, but I agree, it was a mistake. Freakin' all of it was, Eli. You fucked up, I did too and the rest was the cherries on top a horrible day. It was better for Sara to not know. But it was hard looking at her and knowing I betrayed her trust in me, in our friendship. I can't even begin to imagine how you managed to keep it to yourself and appear like nothing ever-"
"Sofia."
"Huh?"
"Shut up!"
Eli clenched her jaw, her eyes flying shut and she, too, was there again.
Author: TXLtoSFO
Fandom: CSI:LV
Pairing: Sara Sidle/OC Eli Trent & Sofia Curtis
Rating: I give it an overall NC-17, cos I don't wanna rate each chapter individually.
Disclaimer: CSI, its characters, places, and situations are property of Jerry Bruckheimer Television, Alliance Atlantis and CBS Productions. This story was written for entertainment, not monetary purposes. Original characters, and this story are intellectual property of the author. Any similarities to existing characters, fictional or real, living or dead, are coincidental and no harm is intended.
Spoiler/Warnings: Character death
Summary/Note: This is a sequel to my story 'Mistakes', which you can find on my LJ or on ff.net, where I go by the name Foodwise. It is dark and ventures completely off canon, there's not much of CSI left you're going to recognise.
A life-changing event drives Eli away from Vegas. Set roughly three years after the events in 'Mistakes'. You will need to have read that one to understand what is happening here.
Notes: So is Sofia giving up so quickly? There is more to the connection those two share than met the eye so far... First chapter of practically a two-parter, even more flashback in the next chapter.
Objects in the rear view mirror
7. Make it without you
Just like she'd suspected, Sofia found Eli on the wrap-around terrace. Staring into the starry, black-blue night sky, smoking, a bottle of Gentleman Jack at her feet, half empty. Her towel-dry locks waved a bit in the off-shore breeze, her unbuttoned shirt, sleeves rolled up, rippled with every gust across her back and the front tails fluttered unsteadily.
Trails of tears were visible on her cheeks, still wet, or again, still the occasional one escaped Eli's reddened eyes.
Sofia wondered just how many times she could stand being pushed away, how long she could keep up her supportive stance without letting herself get hurt too much, just how much rejection she was able to endure.
Listening to Eli you could think she'd come here to gloat. To watch the silent downfall of a distinguished, well-mannered, polite woman in malice.
The dark and dangerously low voice spoke quietly, almost inaudible for Sofia.
"What the fuck are you still doing here? I told you to get the hell out of my life."
Quietly, calmly Sofia replied.
"I can't."
"Oh yes, you can. You don't want me to make you. Or is there a masochistic side to yourself I didn't know of yet? Because if you try to stay, this might get ugly. No, it will get ugly."
Sofia sucked in a breath and mentally prepared herself for another round. To be left behind bruised and battered by Eli's harsh and hurtful words, on her knees by the time Eli'd be done with her, probably figuratively crawling back to her hotel room to nurse her emotional wounds. Missing her best friend, worrying about the immense change in Eli's personality, torn between compassion, the need to help Eli out of that great void and the anger that she'd let herself be treated like that. Like she meant nothing to Eli, like she was nothing but an annoying discomfort, a stalker almost.
"I think I might be more prepared for that than you assume."
Eli turned and despite the tears, her brown eyes held a vivid, fiery, but cold sparkle. Sofia forced herself not to twitch, step back or even do so much as blink. This Eli was almost unpredictable. But just almost.
"Are you?" Eli took a calculated step forwards, throwing all of the physical strength that was left in her into her movement, her posture, make herself appear as powerful as possible. And another step.
"Still so arrogant, still so smug. It's what you've always been. It's what makes you so intriguing and yet so despicable at the same time. Cocky. But you don't wanna mess with me right now, trust me. It's been a long time since I felt this much anger, Sofia. You know what I'd be doing right now if you hadn't shown up? I'd be fucking that girls brains out. But I'm not. No, I'm standing here fucking arguing with you, who can't understand what 'No.' or 'Get out.' or 'Leave me alone.' means. Have you even been listening to me? Do you hear me, Sofia?" Eli started to talk quicker, her voice adapting a loud and violent tone, her fists clenching.
Unconsciously, Sofia did take a step back. She'd lie to herself if she didn't admit that she was, despite better judgment, becoming a bit afraid of Eli.
"I-" she started.
"I- what? What?" The mockery in Eli's voice hit her like a slap. "I want to annoy you? I want to make you angry?" Another step forward, fast, and Sofia staggered back, surprised at her own reaction. She wasn't like that. She wasn't easily intimidated, easily frightened. But this was no interrogation room, not a suspect that however brutal and abhorrent his deeds had been, she could stare down without even so much as a twitch. This was someone she'd trusted, supported, shared everything with. Someone she'd seen at her worst and her best, someone she could read like a book, knew every emotion displayed on her face, someone she had held so many times, someone she had gotten to know intimately, someone she had shared kisses with, someone she had loved. Loved. What was left of that?
Her back hit the wall. Dead end. All of this had happened in mere seconds and Eli's fist slammed into the brick wall beside her head and Sofia cringed. She'd desperately tried not to, but no avail. Her body simply reacted. Despite her utmost trust in Eli. But one step further and she'd...
"I am fucking angry. If you were Leonard, I'd have punched and kicked your ass by now. And believe me, I want to. But you're-" Eli buried her face in her free hand and took a deep breath. As she met Sofia's widened blue eyes again, her stare was reproachful and suddenly emotionless.
"You know that you're being an ignorant, annoying bitch, huh? Get out!"
And Eli turned abruptly and returned to the railing, taking a swig out of the bottle.
Sofia just stood, trying to appear much more unfazed than she felt and didn't react to Eli's disgusted remark, when all she wanted to do was to stomp over to Eli, shake her, slap her, punch her, yell at her, then hug her so tightly even Eli would have to understand that she wasn't alone, that she didn't need to be alone, that there still were things, people, friends, challenges, experiences worth climbing out of that hole Eli had dug for herself. Make her herself again.
"Sofia Curtis, I thought I'd made myself clear, this is your last out. I don't want you here, I sure as hell don't need you here and I want you to go. Just turn around and go. Leave me be. Get on with your life. You've made it through 34 years without me before, so why don't you just forget about me."
Forget about Eli? Not a chance in hell.
Sofia pushed herself off the wall, a new confidence in her, though she had no idea where she took that from.
"I'm not leaving until I'm convinced you at least bear a resemblance to being you again. Not this purposeless, angry, fucked-up, chain-smoking, drugged-up drunk. Whoring through this city. That's what you do, isn't it? Fucking the pain away? So I did cross your plans, oh, I'm so not sorry. I know you, Eli, I've seen you prowl around tonight. You're good at that, you know? It's practised, it's successful every time I guess."
Eli growled. She growled. But her shoulders slacked. The balance was shifting.
Sofia took slow steps towards Eli, knowing that by mentioning what was a fact, but had still been left unsaid so far, she moved into potentially dangerous territory.
Eli bucked once more, still trying to shake Sofia off.
"Oh yes, every time. More than ever before. You should know, Sofia, how they feel. Don't try and play dirty with me, I'm better at that. You've been there. Wanting me."
It was a low blow, but one Sofia had expected, and she watched how the strength started to leave Eli. How the fight started to leak out of her. This whole night had already taken too much out of her, she just wanted to get rid of Sofia and fall into bed. A couple of Tylenols. Sleep. Forget. Why didn't she just leave?
Sofia didn't even seem to have registered her come-back. She was on a roll now.
"Tell me, do you feel something when you fuck those women, those girls? Or is it just that in those fleeting moments, that are over oh so quickly since I'm guessing you don't allow them to return the favour, geez, I suppose you don't even bother undressing yourself, that you feel like you still have a certain amount of control, of power over something? Just to numb the pain and the remorse and the guilt you feel afterwards with more drugs and more alcohol?"
As if on cue, Eli took another gulp. Tired. So damn tired of fighting. Another swig. If she'd just pass out, it would be over. At least for tonight. She swayed a bit on the spot and opened her mouth to fire another tirade at her former friend, but what came out instead she hadn't planned. To tell the truth.
"I'm always numb. I'm dead inside, Sofia, I can't feel anymore. I don't feel a thing."
Startled by the cold, but so revealing response she hadn't anticipated, Sofia's anger diminished and she felt the first cracks in the armor she'd put on to shield herself from letting any of Eli's responses get to her.
"There are other ways, Eli. You did it before, you used your profession to find purpose. You're in control there. Serve and protect. You can safe others from the same or similar fates."
The urge to reach out, to grab Eli by the collar and pull her into her arms grew desperate as a renewed wave of silent sobs suddenly shook Eli's body fiercely.
Oh God, don't break, just don't. She could just walk away and lock herself into her bedroom. Why didn't she just end this? But the words flowed out of her, beyond her control.
"That's nothing but an illusion, I can't control what's happening on the job. For one crime we prevent, we still have to deal with at least ten victims who hadn't had that luck. I can't face that again. I just can't. I'll either turn to stone or I'll break down completely."
Tentatively, Sofia stretched out her arm and her hand softly settled down on Eli's shoulder. A violent shudder ran through the length of Eli's body as she flinched at the light touch, shrugging it off.
"Don't. Don't touch me, Fia." The fear in Eli's cracking voice was almost tangible, but the use of the nickname she hadn't heard fall from her friends lips in so long spurred Sofia on.
"What do you think is going to happen if I do? What are you so afraid of, having your friends around? A friend around."
"I don't need your pity. I don't want to be comforted."
Taking another step forward, just barely invading Eli's space, Sofia scrutinized her in profile.
"I don't pity you. I'm worried, seriously worried. I've been so damn worried all this time. You're not as cold as you pretend to be. You're not as collected apart from those tears that you can't stop as you want to make everyone believe. But stop pitying yourself and start grieving. There's a world of pain inside you and as long as you don't let it out, you'll never be in control of anything again. And you think the compassionate and comforting touch of someone who really cares about you and for whom you care, or at least did so in the past if I wasn't completely mistaken, just as much, will do that to you, break down those barriers and you're so afraid to feel that hurt full force that you pushed everyone away."
Eli's breath hitched and the tears stopped falling. She felt Sofia's threatening closeness, she felt the heavy weight of the truth her words had held. The ease with which Sofia still read her, knew her, really frightened her. She already felt numb, just how empty would she feel after she allowed herself to set all that pain free?
"That's cruel, Sofia. It is cruel to try and force that out of me. I don't want to go through that. Like this, like right now, I can survive. But I don't know if I can if..."
The warmth of a hand on her forearm penetrated Eli's daze and she felt herself starting to falter. Felt her last defenses crumble as the familiarity of the reassuring, caring, loving touch seeped into her skin and into her mind.
One simple touch and it made her knees go weak and she felt the sharp sting in her eyes again before the warmth reached her heart, along with Sofia's next, whispered words.
This was why she had put a distance between herself and everyone else. Everyone she loved. She didn't want this to happen and she knew it would. If someone would dare to just hold her, tell her she wasn't alone, tell her she had help dealing with all this, she knew she couldn't help herself anymore. She'd break. Sofia was about to break her, didn't she see that? She just couldn't break.
"I know you can. You can and you will survive. And not just that, you'll live, one day you'll live again. You'll find a way to go on, I know! You are one of the most strong-willed people I have ever met. You turned your life around before, you fought the pain and you fought feeling useless and empty, and you told me about the effort that had taken you. I know that that strength still exists. You can battle with those fears, with all this hurt, with the loss. It might seem unbearable right now, but it's not. You know, that quote you recited at the service came into my mind again. Whatever you were to each other, you still are. Life means the same it ever meant, it is the same it ever was. She's just around the corner. Out of sight, not out of mind. And surely never out of your heart. All can be well, Eli, you just have to learn to see that. She's waiting for you, she wouldn't have wanted you to change, she wouldn't have wanted you to suffer and she sure wouldn't want to see you treating yourself like this. She'll always be there, because she's so deep inside you, she's a part of you. And she'd want nothing more than to see you live your life, as happily as possible. She'd be so proud to see you go on. But right now, she'd kick your fucking skinny ass."
Sofia put emphasis on the last words and Eli felt a pang around her heart as if some cords had been cut as slender arms encircled her and held her, close, determined, almost brassbound and the words 'I know you can.' and 'Let it all out, let it go.' were muttered into her ear over and over again.
She wanted to be angry, to yell at Sofia for telling her what Sara would have wanted or said or thought. How did she dare speaking for her? She wanted to push her away, she wanted to hurt her, physically, for making her feel like that. For knowing which words needed to be said to get through to her. To make her feel like this. So weak. So much feeling. So much pain. In loving arms. She didn't deserve love. There was no more love. She was gone and she'd never ever get to be embraced, kissed, loved, held, supported, caught, freed by the one person she needed for her to do all that.
And Eli broke.
"Sara!" She gasped out, so strangled and hoarse, with so much pain that tears shot into Sofia's eyes, spilling over, and she felt her insides churn in pure reaction to the belated, real, ultimate awareness that made Eli's legs buckle under her once again and together they sank to the terracotta tiled floor.
And Sofia wasn't pushed away, she was being held in a death grip as Eli sobbed uncontrollably, wailed, moaned. Cried like she'd never seen someone crying.
So she gathered the taller woman in her lap, letting her lean fully into her smaller frame as Eli still clung to her for dear life, and rocked her gently. Trembling herself, crying for and with her friend.
"I can't go on, Fia, I can't, not without her, I don't know how. She was my everything. She was my home."
Sofia clenched her jaw and tried to blink some of her own tears away, but they kept on falling. She pressed her face into dark locks and kissed Eli's crown, her breathing ragged and her own voice strained.
"I'm not going to leave you alone in this. I won't allow you to push me away again. I'm here and I'll stay here as long as you need me. I'm not leaving you alone. You can kick and scream and insult and mock me, but I'll get you through this. Whatever it takes, whatever you need, I'll make sure you get it."
Eli sobbed again and felt the honesty, the devotedness in Sofia's words. She let herself go and fell into the warm touch, into the soothing rocking motion. And cried.
Sofia shuddered. Holding Eli like this brought memories back she had sworn to herself never to revisit. That they had sworn to themselves and to each other to never mention again, to simply bury and forget. Even Sara never knew of the one day Eli had broken before. But there had been too many triggers today, too many words they had spat at each other before, and this time it had ended harmless by way of comparison. The fear Sofia had felt had a reason. Eli's reluctance to get physical with her had a reason. As did the trust they had in each other. A trust that went deeper than anything Sofia had ever felt. A trust Eli had proved being worthy of only in the very last second...
Sofia willed the memories away and held on even closer, though the sobs had turned into sniffles and Eli started shifting in her arms.
"What are you thinking about?" She asked huskily.
"You know what."
"And that was another reason I didn't want especially you close to me through this. I'll never forget that day."
"Eli-"
"No. God, I've made so many mistakes in my life."
"Forget about those. How do you feel?"
Eli slowly untangled herself out of the comfortable embrace, trembling at the cold that engulfed her as soon as Sofia's arms fell from her body. She immediately reached for the bottle, put Sofia beat her to it and placed it out of Eli's reach.
"No. No more alcohol for you today. You've had more than enough. And you're going to tell me where your other stuff is. It's going down the toilet. You don't need it."
"I'm already in too deep. Take it away from me now, completely, you'll have to go through detoxification with me. And don't want to put you through that."
Sofia raised her brow at her friend.
"With you? So I'm allowed here? I don't get thrown out once you recover from this first breakdown? Once you get back to being detached and numb?"
Eli cringed and took a couple of deep breaths.
"I think it's too late now. This is the point I tried to avoid so hard. Now I'd even say I will really need you here. If you're willing to put up with me. There's no going back anymore. And I have no clue how to get through."
Throwing Eli a cautious glance, Sofia nodded slowly.
"I told you I wouldn't leave you alone. I'm not going anywhere. And I think there is nothing left you could say or do to me that we haven't already been through in the past. But be damn sure of one thing, if you ever get physical with me again, I won't hesitate a second, I won't provoke you and trust for you to do the right thing, I won't even warn you before I'll bring you down. Not caring whether I hurt you or not. Because that day, you were sober. Now you surely won't be. Or in withdrawal, which could make it even worse."
Eli leaned against the railing, pulling her knees up to her body and resting her arms on them. She looked at Sofia with shame in her eyes.
"If I ever even so much as touch you the wrong way, I want you to beat the crap out of me. Until the day-" She took a rattling breath, tears filling her eyes immediately, but she forced herself to say it out loud. "Until the day Sara died, I thought I'd never feel pain like that day again, Sofia. I couldn't look at myself for a pretty long time."
A long and pregnant silence followed as the two women stared at each other, Sofia sensing that that was by far not all Eli wanted to say.
"What is it? There's something you're not telling me."
Eli cracked her neck nervously and looked out upon the bay once more.
"I can't believe I never told her. No matter what the consequences would have been. You have no idea how I feel about having her die on me with this extra weight resting on my shoulders. She would have deserved to know. Hell, we were about to get married. And I kept that from her. I'm a liar and a cheater and I never told her. I hate myself for that."
"I'm sorry." Sofia offered, but she knew there was nothing she could do to erase the guilt or pain. What had happened, had happened, they couldn't take it back.
"It was my decision to make. I could have said no, despite the circumstances."
Sofia reached out and took Eli's shaking hand in hers.
"I guess we have got some coming to terms with the past to do, too. God, Eli, where do we even start?"
"You could start with telling me that you're not angry that I think what we did after-" Eli raised her brows and Sofia just nodded. "-was a mistake."
Sofia squeezed her eyes shut. Images flashed before them in rapid succession.
The second Sofia picked up the phone, Eli started talking in a rush of panicked words.
"She's gone, Fia. She left me. Most of her clothes are gone and her laptop and some more of her stuff. I did nothing, nothing! It was just a game to get the information I needed. I didn't even touch that woman - inappropriately. I pulled a CAth on her, it was so harmless. Tell me why she still doesn't trust me? After all I've done to make her see, after all I proved to her, time and time again that I've really changed. Why the fuck doesn't she trust me even this much? The first pretty face that comes along and she suspects instantly that I would cheat on her? Sofia... I can't lose her. I just can't. I'm afraid won't survive it this time."
Eli had completely lost it. She sobbed into the phone so hard that Sofia was sure she could barely understand what she answered. She heard Eli trying to suppress the sobs, but she didn't succeed.
"Eli, Eli, calm down, please! I- wait a second." She covered the speaker and told her current girlfriend, Lara, what was happening.
"Honey, I gotta go, don't be mad."
"No, I'm not, just get dressed and drive over to her."
"She's my best friend, I have to-"
"Fia, just go. No need to worry about me."
"I'll eventually stay there over night, are you sure you won't mind?"
"Oh goodness gracious, get your ass over to Eli. Stay as long as you need to stay. Just call me some time to let me know how you are okay? Honey, that's my jeans. Oh Christ, give me that phone!"
The redhead had snatched the cell out of Sofia's hand, who had tried to hurriedly get into the wrong pair of jeans, the first she'd picked up from the clutter of recently discarded clothes on the floor beside the bed. God, Eli had chosen a bad moment for that. She listened to her girlfriend trying to talk her best friend down while she got dressed.
"Hey Eli, this is Lara. She'll be on her way in a minute, okay? Eli, you gotta keep it together. I don't know what happened, but I've seen the two of you together and if I was ever sure of a love when I saw one, it is what you and Sara have. Believe me, it's not over. Okay, I'll hand you back to Fia, she's ready to go. Take care, okay? Don't do anything stupid."
Sofia grabbed her purse and keys and took the cell back.
"Eli? Is your spare key still in that flower box?"
All Eli could manage was "Uh-huh.".
"Alright, I'll be there in a flash. I'm already on my way to the car. Ten minutes, tops. I love you, it's going to be okay, Eli."
"O-Okay. Thanks, Fia."
"See you in a sec."
She hung up, kissed her resignatedly smiling girlfriend soundly and threw her one last apologetic glance as Lara fell back into the cushions, naked as she was and just shook her head with a smile.
She rushed out the door and knew she was going to break any traffic rule there was to get to Eli as fast as she could.
*******
"Eli!" Sofia ripped the door open and approached Eli, who sat on the couch, rocking herself with her arms around her legs. The plunges into the couch beside her and instantly threw her arms around the sobbing woman. Eli buried my head in her long blonde hair, holding on to her tightly. She cried into her shoulder and Sofia soothed her, ran her hands down her back, whispered encouragements in her ear.
After what seems like an eternity Sofia slowly let go of Eli and grunted a bit as she moved into a more comfortable position, massaging her right leg that had fallen asleep.
"Thank you. I needed that, Fia. I let her down. She was desperate and exhausted and this close to breaking down and I wasn't there for her. I bit off more than I could chew with that investigation and I was so determined to prove something, I'm not even sure of what, that I simply forgot about caring. How could I have been so blind and dumb. And then on top of that I tried to have her removed from her case behind her back. I broke her trust. Now she's gone."
"Have you tried calling her?"
"Damn sure I have. Her cell is going directly to voice mail. Then I tried Greg. He was really short and just said he doesn't know where she is. Probably somewhere out in the desert."
Sofia took Eli's shaking hand and squeezed it tightly.
"So she's at Greg's. That's a good thing. Going to someone you are both close with is a good sign, you know?"
"How's that a good sign when he sounds like he wants to strangle me over the phone. She's been his friend for years and he trusts her completely. Whatever she will be telling him, he'll believe it."
Sofia watched Eli ineffectively bite back another wave of sobs.
"I hate this. I hate feeling so weak, so not in control, not even in control over my own body".
Sofia shuffled closer yet again.
"Aw, give him some credit. Greg is a lot of things, but he isn't judgmental and he doesn't jump to conclusions. It's natural that he takes care of Sara at first, but he won't built his opinion upon one-sided information."
Eli sniffled a bit, but nodded weakly.
"Tell me what to do, Eli, I'm not really good at these things." She really didn't know how to deal with this, but Eli looked up at her in surprise. "You're perfect. You left your girlfriend behind in what seemed like a very intimate moment I interrupted and were by my side in the blink of an eye. You're here. That's all I need."
Sofia smiled cheekily and pulled out the sofa, fetched a few blankets and pillows and they lied down side by side. They didn't talk much more. Running her hand down Eli's side in a calming rhythm, Sofia fell asleep just shortly after Eli finally gave up on fighting her exhaustion and wrapped in her friend's embrace her breathing had evened out.
"Sofia, tell me you're not angry..." Eli's voice brought her back from reliving that day.
She slowly opened her eyes and they fixated the anxious looking woman in front of her.
Inhaling, she stalled answering. The ambiguity of her feelings churned her up. But there was only one possible answer.
"I'm not angry or mad or disappointed. Quite some time has passed. And all I ever was is shocked. I'll never, for the rest of my life, forget anything that happened, but I agree, it was a mistake. Freakin' all of it was, Eli. You fucked up, I did too and the rest was the cherries on top a horrible day. It was better for Sara to not know. But it was hard looking at her and knowing I betrayed her trust in me, in our friendship. I can't even begin to imagine how you managed to keep it to yourself and appear like nothing ever-"
"Sofia."
"Huh?"
"Shut up!"
Eli clenched her jaw, her eyes flying shut and she, too, was there again.