CSI-fic: Objects in the rear view mirror (6/17)
Title: Objects in the rear view mirror
Author: TXLtoSFO
Fandom: CSI:LV
Pairing: Sara Sidle/Sofia Curits/OC Eli Trent
Rating: I give it an overall NC-17, cos I don't wanna rate each chapter individually.
Disclaimer: CSI, its characters, places, and situations are property of Jerry Bruckheimer Television, Alliance Atlantis and CBS Productions. This story was written for entertainment, not monetary purposes. Original characters, and this story are intellectual property of the author. Any similarities to existing characters, fictional or real, living or dead, are coincidental and no harm is intended.
Spoiler/Warnings: Character death
Summary/Note: This is a sequel to my story 'Mistakes', which you can find on my LJ or on ff.net, where I go by the name Foodwise. It is dark and ventures completely off canon, there's not much of CSI left you're going to recognise.
A life-changing event drives Eli away from Vegas. Set roughly three years after the events in 'Mistakes'. You will need to have read that one to understand what is happening here.
Notes: Time for a confrontation...
And credit where credit is due, the lyrics are not mine, they're from the beautiful song 'She's got a reason' by The Coral
Objects in the rear view mirror
6. (Don't) Just go
Eli felt it the moment she stepped through the club's side entrance, into the dimly lit corridor. Before even thinking of joining the crowd, she slipped into the ladies' room, pushed the cold water faucet open roughly, splashed some water into her face and stared at her reflection in the cracked mirror. Something was different tonight. Something was off, she felt it in her bones.
Her eyes were dark and had lost their warm sparkle, her cheekbones were even more pronounced and through the disguising tan she could see the faint grey in her complexion. Tired. Done. She made a face at herself, then raised one brow in irritation at her childishness, still the hairs in the back of her neck stood. Time to chase that feeling away.
She locked the door carefully and retrieved a small box out of the pocket of her slacks. Prepared the thin white line cautiously. Sniffed it. Washed her hands again after carefully cleaning and restoring her credit card and the small straw. Letting the box slide back into her pocket. She sniffled a couple of times and proceeded staring at herself.
A dark red shirt with a banded collar, top buttons undone and no bra, grey leather jacket, tight black slacks, yet another size smaller than a couple of weeks ago. She exuded an exotic strength now, all slim and toned, towering over most of the crowd. Not the mysterious stranger she'd been in the beginning, but a well-known face, a welcomed customer. Turning heads like never before in her life.
She exited the restroom and apologized to the women waiting outside with an imitation of her cutest smile.
Went over to the bar and downed the glass that was set in front of her just seconds later without even flinching. The burning of the liquor had long ceased. One more thing she didn't feel anymore. A new glass, the same movement. The combination was starting to work and slowly a smug grin tugged at the corners of her mouth. Yeah. Good that she hadn't given in to her laziness and hadn't stayed home. This was so much better. She shed her jacket and rolled her sleeves up to her elbows. Time for her to start the game anew. To look for this night's prey. Time to be the Eli fucking Trent she'd trained herself to be again. One more Whiskey and she started mingling. Searching. Flirting. Dancing her socks off. Alive. Free. Numb.
There was no difference tonight. Nothing was wrong. She shoved the feeling aside.
Stupid feelings.
*******
Did she want to be spotted?
Or should she wait a little longer? See what Eli was up to, what she was doing in a club like this. Watch her. Like she had for a couple of days now.
Sofia felt almost ashamed for having lurked around Eli for the past two days. Like a really bad private detective out of some hideous TV-show. Though she hadn't taken pictures and most of the time Eli was at home anyway and not observable. She'd pulled a few strings and when she'd held the address in her hand, it suddenly became real. She was really here, she'd be seeing Eli soon.
She looked awful. Haggard, not healthy. All she had seen Eli buy was alcohol. Two of the three times Eli had left her apartment, she'd come back with brown paper bags. The one time she'd been to the gym.
And now it was Friday night, she'd followed a dressed to the nines Eli to this hot spot, and though Sofia'd had no problems getting in, she felt remarkably underdressed.
She was surrounded by women that each according to their roles looked extremely fashionable. She'd been glad that she had some make-up in her purse, that she'd worn her hair open all day and had avoided the odd wave from wearing a hair band, was dressed all in black and had just bought a nice pair of heels she couldn't resist on sale that afternoon. Judging by the appreciative looks she received from time to time, she'd done something right. She settled in an empty chair in the back of the club that was getting more and more crowded and watched Eli chat, flirt, dance and drink, heavily.
Someone who didn't know that woman wouldn't have noticed, but Sofia saw that Eli's smile and laughter was nothing but a mask she had crafted to almost perfection. She was looking for a diversion and Sofia knew exactly which kind. Sex.
But what worried her even more than the drinking and the prowling, she had expected something like that if she was being honest to herself, were Eli's glazed over eyes. Sofia knew what addicts looked like. And Eli was high. And she knew the moment Eli had made her pick. A petite blonde, young and beautiful, in a dark red dress, with smoky eyes and rectangular glasses that combined with her posture, gave her a look of class and brains. A nice package. And she was so into Eli. Leaned in when they spoke, found constant reason to touch the tall woman, drank her champagne in tiny sips and bat her lashes when Eli ordered a refill. Like a moth to the flame.
Inwardly, Sofia almost grinned. There was this rough charm to Eli, the aura of class and intelligence that seemed to ooze off her, her wicked sex appeal, the way she walked and held herself, commanding, yet subtle. She understood her popularity, her appeal. She'd been there.
Half an hour later they headed to the side entrance, arm in arm.
Sofia sighed and leaned back, nursing her drink, letting the colours of the beams wash over her, taking in the people that surrounded her, gauging, a bit intrigued. It had been ages since she'd last been out.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow, she'd simply show up on Eli's doorstep and see what would happen.
Just a fraction of a second later she went rigid.
No. No more waiting, no more pushing off the inevitable, the one thing she'd known she would have to do sooner or later the moment Eli had said her good-bye after the service.
She left her half-empty gin tonic on the table and started for the door, determined to get to Eli's car that was parked right out front before the pair made it there.
Now or never. Showtime.
*******
The arm around Eli's waist was at the wrong height. It was grasping at her shirt beneath her leather jacket too tightly. Clingy. A bit drunk maybe. Just like each and every time, it felt wrong. And just like every time, Eli knew she shouldn't be driving. Under the influence. Pleasantly buzzed, but not drunk. High, but not out of it.. Yet she would, just like every time. She had helped Danielle, that was her name, wasn't it - into her thigh long black trench coat-style jacket and placing her hand at the small of the shorter woman's back, guided her outside. They chuckled about something the bouncer said and when Eli looked up, fumbling with her keys to use the remote for getting the car doors open, her heart stopped for a second or two.
Her hand fell off Danielle's back and she stood rooted to the spot.
"What's wrong, Eli?"
Sure, that girl couldn't possibly know which was her car, so she didn't ponder much over the older blonde that leaned against the side of said car, arms crossed in front of her chest, a stern expression on her face.
Eli paused for a second and thought how in hell she was gonna get out of this. Simply ignore Sofia and get a taxi to her place? Well, knowing she was here alone was enough to make sex the last thing on her mind right now.
She had to get rid of them. First, the young thing that was now tugging at her sleeve relentlessly, trying to force a reaction, an answer out of Eli, then she would deal with that unexpected and very much unwelcome visitor.
"Hey..." Eli turned slowly towards Danielle, her gaze still locked with Sofia's before it snapped down to the young blonde's sickly sweet grin. "You know what, I think I've had too much to drink, all this fresh air is making me feel real dizzy. So I don't think it'd be a good idea if you came with me."
At the pronounced pout and the frustrated grabble at her ass, Eli flinched.
"But you said-"
She cut in. Oh god, this one was annoying.
"That meant I'm going home alone. And I'm not sorry at all. You know what, just get lost." She barked harshly, losing her patience.
The blonde let out a shocked and miffed gasp, but stalked away with her head held high.
"I really don't need that."
Eli chuckled at the unexpected comedy of the moment, as Danielle slipped on her heel, taking the gracefulness completely out of her defiant retreat.
"Aw, me neither, blondie." She murmured. Then she closed her eyes. Just a moment longer, a second to get a grip on herself.
Sofia. If she'd be allowing it to, her heart would leap with joy. If she still had it in her, she'd high-five herself, she' known she'd come one day. Took her long enough. But no. All about Sofia reminded her of everything she didn't want to be reminded of. And she'd made herself very clear in Vegas. This part of her life was over. Irrevocably.
Simply her pose against the car. All that was missing were her badge and gun, she was standing there like she was waiting for a colleague or the CSIs to arrive at a crime scene, patient, but a bit pissed off, expectant, but calm. Sofia. For a painful second Eli missed all that. But the sting came and went.
Why couldn't she respect what she'd been asked of? Why did she have to make it even harder on both of them? The anger Eli needed to feel bubbled up and she was almost sorry that she wasn't nearly as drunk as she'd like to be, so Sofia could see it and push everything that would come out of Eli's mouth in a few seconds on her state of intoxication. Not take it personally. Because it wasn't personal. It was self-preservation.
Eli pushed her shoulders back and opened her eyes, brown depths cold as ice as they met Sofia's waiting blue's. They stared at each other, taxing.
"I've got nothing to say to you. It's all been said and done. Just go home."
Eli rounded the car and opened the driver's side door.
*******
That was to be expected. But Sofia hadn't failed to notice that Eli had needed to collect herself before addressing her. She simply stayed silent and didn't move off the car or turn towards the tall brunette.
"Get your ass off my car, I wanna go home. You already ruined my night." The keys jingled in Eli's hand and her tone had gotten from slightly angry and annoyed to aggressive.
Sofia's pulse quickened. This wasn't the Eli she knew. And she was a long way from sober. She didn't know just how much had changed over the course of the past half year, but she was prepared for almost everything. So she didn't flinch. She turned, gave Eli a pointed glare that simply stated 'I don't care how you treat me, I'm here now and I'm not going to go away, deal with it.' and she opened the passenger side and fell into the seat, pulling the door shut loud enough to startle.
She heard Eli sigh and curse through the open door on the other side. Yet she made no move to climb into the car, too.
"I'm trying to be nice here. I really don't wanna do this to you, but you seem determined to leave me no choice. Get out of my fucking car, Sofia, or I'll drag you out of it.
If Sofia had any strategy, silence was it right now. Tire Eli out. Count on the hope that she still had enough propriety left to not cause a huge scene in front of a upscale club.
Eli growled. Beside herself, Sofia was the most stubborn person she had ever met. Well, beside herself and- dammit. Ten minutes and she was already thinking about- No, she wouldn't let her do that to her. She wouldn't permit it. This had to end, right here.
"Curtis, get out of the car. Last warning."
No reaction.
In utter frustration Eli threw her keys onto the upholstery of the seat, where they bounced once and clattered onto the floor. Her mistake registered a split-second too late.
Sofia had already bent over the console and fished the keys out of the foot space, then swung her legs over to the driver's side and settled behind the wheel.
"Best decision you've made so far, Eli. Now you get into the car and I'm going to drive you home. You're in no state to drive safely anyway."
"Oh, fuck me! I'm taking a damn taxi." Eli banged her fist on the car roof, glared one more time at the older woman who sat motionless in the driver's seat and shifted on her heels.
"Appartment keys." Sofia stated calmly.
"Don't fuck with me. You don't wanna do that, I'm warning you, Sofia."
There was something about the look in Sofia's eyes that threw Eli the moment their gazes met again. A familiar warmth she just couldn't stand. She squeezed her eyes shut.
"Get in, Casanova."
Eli just flipped her off and started walking.
Sofia started the car and pushed it in gear, driving at a steady pace beside Eli on the sidewalk.
"I don't wanna listen to you." Eli puffed over the parked cars.
"Who said I wanted to talk?"
"Smart-ass!"
"Crock!"
"What?"
Eli swiveled around and squeezed between some cars onto the street, ripping the door open and falling into the seat.
"Stow it. I assume you know where I live? Ah, sure you do, Lieutenant Curtis."
When Sofia didn't answer, Eli craned her neck to check on Sofia's expression.
Her jaw was set tightly and she appeared to be biting back a lot of things that dared to burst out of her mouth any second. But she held her tongue, just like she'd said.
Eli felt the strange need to fall into an old habit. How many times had they been driving around the city, albeit a different one, like this? At night, on their way to some scene, the PD, witnesses, out into the desert. They'd always talked. With Sofia, there had never been a lot of silence, they'd never been at a loss for words. They'd always had something to laugh or argue or simply chat about.
Sofia also felt the silence light a weight settling on her. She reached out to turn on the stereo, but Eli stopped her, their fingers meeting over the button, both snatching their hands away like they'd been burned by the others touch.
"Don't. I don't wanna hear what's on the stick right now. Not with you around."
Sofia hit the button anyway.
"You know what? I never thought I could say that, but right now, I hate you. I wanted to remember you as a friend. You're not acting like a friend here. This was never supposed to happen." Eli exploded, spat the words into Sofia's direction while the song that had been on when Eli had parked the car earlier faded out and a new one started. One that for Eli, was something very private. A song she sang along with when she drove aimlessly through the city at night, when she was too sober to sleep, but feeling to nauseous to drink just one more glass. When she tried. Tried to deal. When for the duration of that one playlist, the one that had just started, she was just Eli. Trying to bring herself to cry. Shouting lyric after lyric of songs that were supposed to bring her to her knees, but each time she'd reached her street again, all that remained were a sore throat, a bleep in her ears from the volume and a desperate longing for the drink she hadn't been able to down a mere hour ago.
'She'll watch the sky as it fades into black
Walks with the lovers that never came back
The princes and kings
All the beautiful things
And more
She won't wait, she'll never look back
Through the fog where the mirrors have cracked
She slides through a dream
With all her beautiful schemes
And more
She's got a reason to roam with the stars
Watch her go as she sings
Dum dum da da da da
Love is gold, time is a thief
She's the river that runs to the sea
With her arms open wide
Her sorrow, her smile
And more
Still she wanders soaked to the bone
The road she's on, well it won't lead her home
To the place where she cried
For the stranger inside
And more
She's got a reason to roam with the stars
Watch her go as she sings
Dum dum da da da da...'
Eli hadn't tried to skip to the next song or change to the radio or turn the thing off completely. She stared out of the side window and watched as the nightly city passed by. People strolling along, laughing, arms linked, on their ways to or from friends, a club, a party, a bar. Lights reflected in the driver's side mirror and it started to drizzle and her vision got blurry. But no one ducked and no umbrella's were opened. Strange. People in this city were used to this. Only when she tasted something salty at the corner of her mouth she became aware of what had been happening. She'd started to cry. Next thing she knew, her whole body cramped up at the realisation.
By this time Sofia had already stopped the car beside the building that housed Eli's loft and killed the machine.
Half a year. Six months. She'd made it so far and one car ride with Sofia Curtis blew it all to hell. Brushing the back of her hand over her face, biting back the sob that dared to escape her restricted throat, Eli started climbing out of the car like the seat was on fire, doubling over outside, gasping for air. Cold and salty tasting air rushed into her lungs and she panted, tears continuing to roll down her cheeks.
"Eli-" The blonde started, too close beside her and she heard the clack that announced the car was being locked, but Eli waved her off.
"I need a fucking drink. And I'm gonna call you a cab."
Eli straightened, shaking her head, shaking the warmth off, the familiarity, the longing for Sofia just to hold her and let her cry herself out, safe, comforted. No. She wasn't strong enough to cope with all that would come rushing out once these walls would be too cracked to hold it in. And she knew, Sofia could tear them all down with just her mere presence. So she swallowed hard and took off into the direction of the entrance door, Sofia hurrying to keep up. The brick building was impressing, so was the old goods elevator. Eli pulled the gate shut behind them and pushed the top button.
Once inside, Eli wasted no time retrieving a bottle of Bourbon from the counter and pouring a glass, downing it in one gulp. Then she picked a post-it off the refrigerator, punched the number into her phone and gave the taxi company her address.
*******
She was still stunned from the sheer size of the place. Sofia stood in the big room and took everything in. But had someone asked her hours later what Eli's place looked like, she would've come up with little to nothing. She felt lost.
She knew something had happened in the car, she'd seen the tears, the defiance in Eli's eyes and the hurt. New hurt, pain she had placed there. By just simply being there. She didn't know how to handle the situation.
Eli spoke again.
"Sofia, I want you- I need you to leave, take this cab to your hotel or wherever you checked in and do not come back. You are not a part of my life anymore. I don't want to see you again, not here, not at any of the places I'm at. I know you'll figure them out. I'm forbidding you to ever come unannounced again. I forbid you to try and see me again at all. You're not welcome. You're not my friend any longer. You've gambled that away by disrespecting what I asked of you. Be safe, but go."
Eli didn't even look at her. She just talked into the room before she grabbed the bottle and opened up a large glass front that led out onto a wraparound terrace.
"You can show yourself out."
Eli's words were half silenced on her way out.
'Just go. I'm sorry, I love you, I do, but just go, Fia.' She chanted in her head. She never wanted that, never wanted to hurt her friends even more then she already had by simply taking off and leaving them behind. Leonard, she hadn't really spoken with months before- the day. She'd learnt to deal with the loss before. But Sofia? She'd filled the gap and had more than made up for the silence and the angry glances that were all that had been left of Eli and Leonard's once so important and close friendship. She'd become the second most important person in Eli's life. Where did that leave her when- yeah. How could she have ever thought she could keep Sofia away. She was all that was left.
But the damn tears wouldn't stop. They just wouldn't stop falling. Without caring to look back, Eli rounded a corner and entered her bedroom from the outside, undressing quickly and stepping into the bathroom. But the cold shower didn't help either.
Carelessly dressed, she stepped back outside, grabbing the bottle and lighting up a cigarette while she stood at the railing, looking over the harbour.
She'd get this under control again. It was just a momentary slip. Too many memories at once. Too much familiarity. Too much of what she'd once called home and her family.
Had she allowed Sofia to stay, she'd have tried to break her barriers. Eli was aware that it had to happen one day, but not yet. She had no plan how to deal when being confronted with the pent up emotions inside yet. And until she came up with one, which would probably be never, she needed theses walls, needed the seclusion, the solitude, the detachment. The numbness. She took a swig from the bottle and felt the first sob.
No... Not yet.
Sofia still hadn't moved. She was lost in thought when she heard a shower being turned on, then off a few minutes later.
Her friend was broken. Had given up, had simply stopped living and had become a ghost.
She couldn't go, not now. Not without having really tried. Even though a part of her justification was surely selfish. She needed her friend back. She needed Eli in her life. Because Eli was the one person she couldn't bear losing. She couldn't.
Eli had saved her life. Literally. It was about time to return the favour.
Author: TXLtoSFO
Fandom: CSI:LV
Pairing: Sara Sidle/Sofia Curits/OC Eli Trent
Rating: I give it an overall NC-17, cos I don't wanna rate each chapter individually.
Disclaimer: CSI, its characters, places, and situations are property of Jerry Bruckheimer Television, Alliance Atlantis and CBS Productions. This story was written for entertainment, not monetary purposes. Original characters, and this story are intellectual property of the author. Any similarities to existing characters, fictional or real, living or dead, are coincidental and no harm is intended.
Spoiler/Warnings: Character death
Summary/Note: This is a sequel to my story 'Mistakes', which you can find on my LJ or on ff.net, where I go by the name Foodwise. It is dark and ventures completely off canon, there's not much of CSI left you're going to recognise.
A life-changing event drives Eli away from Vegas. Set roughly three years after the events in 'Mistakes'. You will need to have read that one to understand what is happening here.
Notes: Time for a confrontation...
And credit where credit is due, the lyrics are not mine, they're from the beautiful song 'She's got a reason' by The Coral
Objects in the rear view mirror
6. (Don't) Just go
Eli felt it the moment she stepped through the club's side entrance, into the dimly lit corridor. Before even thinking of joining the crowd, she slipped into the ladies' room, pushed the cold water faucet open roughly, splashed some water into her face and stared at her reflection in the cracked mirror. Something was different tonight. Something was off, she felt it in her bones.
Her eyes were dark and had lost their warm sparkle, her cheekbones were even more pronounced and through the disguising tan she could see the faint grey in her complexion. Tired. Done. She made a face at herself, then raised one brow in irritation at her childishness, still the hairs in the back of her neck stood. Time to chase that feeling away.
She locked the door carefully and retrieved a small box out of the pocket of her slacks. Prepared the thin white line cautiously. Sniffed it. Washed her hands again after carefully cleaning and restoring her credit card and the small straw. Letting the box slide back into her pocket. She sniffled a couple of times and proceeded staring at herself.
A dark red shirt with a banded collar, top buttons undone and no bra, grey leather jacket, tight black slacks, yet another size smaller than a couple of weeks ago. She exuded an exotic strength now, all slim and toned, towering over most of the crowd. Not the mysterious stranger she'd been in the beginning, but a well-known face, a welcomed customer. Turning heads like never before in her life.
She exited the restroom and apologized to the women waiting outside with an imitation of her cutest smile.
Went over to the bar and downed the glass that was set in front of her just seconds later without even flinching. The burning of the liquor had long ceased. One more thing she didn't feel anymore. A new glass, the same movement. The combination was starting to work and slowly a smug grin tugged at the corners of her mouth. Yeah. Good that she hadn't given in to her laziness and hadn't stayed home. This was so much better. She shed her jacket and rolled her sleeves up to her elbows. Time for her to start the game anew. To look for this night's prey. Time to be the Eli fucking Trent she'd trained herself to be again. One more Whiskey and she started mingling. Searching. Flirting. Dancing her socks off. Alive. Free. Numb.
There was no difference tonight. Nothing was wrong. She shoved the feeling aside.
Stupid feelings.
*******
Did she want to be spotted?
Or should she wait a little longer? See what Eli was up to, what she was doing in a club like this. Watch her. Like she had for a couple of days now.
Sofia felt almost ashamed for having lurked around Eli for the past two days. Like a really bad private detective out of some hideous TV-show. Though she hadn't taken pictures and most of the time Eli was at home anyway and not observable. She'd pulled a few strings and when she'd held the address in her hand, it suddenly became real. She was really here, she'd be seeing Eli soon.
She looked awful. Haggard, not healthy. All she had seen Eli buy was alcohol. Two of the three times Eli had left her apartment, she'd come back with brown paper bags. The one time she'd been to the gym.
And now it was Friday night, she'd followed a dressed to the nines Eli to this hot spot, and though Sofia'd had no problems getting in, she felt remarkably underdressed.
She was surrounded by women that each according to their roles looked extremely fashionable. She'd been glad that she had some make-up in her purse, that she'd worn her hair open all day and had avoided the odd wave from wearing a hair band, was dressed all in black and had just bought a nice pair of heels she couldn't resist on sale that afternoon. Judging by the appreciative looks she received from time to time, she'd done something right. She settled in an empty chair in the back of the club that was getting more and more crowded and watched Eli chat, flirt, dance and drink, heavily.
Someone who didn't know that woman wouldn't have noticed, but Sofia saw that Eli's smile and laughter was nothing but a mask she had crafted to almost perfection. She was looking for a diversion and Sofia knew exactly which kind. Sex.
But what worried her even more than the drinking and the prowling, she had expected something like that if she was being honest to herself, were Eli's glazed over eyes. Sofia knew what addicts looked like. And Eli was high. And she knew the moment Eli had made her pick. A petite blonde, young and beautiful, in a dark red dress, with smoky eyes and rectangular glasses that combined with her posture, gave her a look of class and brains. A nice package. And she was so into Eli. Leaned in when they spoke, found constant reason to touch the tall woman, drank her champagne in tiny sips and bat her lashes when Eli ordered a refill. Like a moth to the flame.
Inwardly, Sofia almost grinned. There was this rough charm to Eli, the aura of class and intelligence that seemed to ooze off her, her wicked sex appeal, the way she walked and held herself, commanding, yet subtle. She understood her popularity, her appeal. She'd been there.
Half an hour later they headed to the side entrance, arm in arm.
Sofia sighed and leaned back, nursing her drink, letting the colours of the beams wash over her, taking in the people that surrounded her, gauging, a bit intrigued. It had been ages since she'd last been out.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow, she'd simply show up on Eli's doorstep and see what would happen.
Just a fraction of a second later she went rigid.
No. No more waiting, no more pushing off the inevitable, the one thing she'd known she would have to do sooner or later the moment Eli had said her good-bye after the service.
She left her half-empty gin tonic on the table and started for the door, determined to get to Eli's car that was parked right out front before the pair made it there.
Now or never. Showtime.
*******
The arm around Eli's waist was at the wrong height. It was grasping at her shirt beneath her leather jacket too tightly. Clingy. A bit drunk maybe. Just like each and every time, it felt wrong. And just like every time, Eli knew she shouldn't be driving. Under the influence. Pleasantly buzzed, but not drunk. High, but not out of it.. Yet she would, just like every time. She had helped Danielle, that was her name, wasn't it - into her thigh long black trench coat-style jacket and placing her hand at the small of the shorter woman's back, guided her outside. They chuckled about something the bouncer said and when Eli looked up, fumbling with her keys to use the remote for getting the car doors open, her heart stopped for a second or two.
Her hand fell off Danielle's back and she stood rooted to the spot.
"What's wrong, Eli?"
Sure, that girl couldn't possibly know which was her car, so she didn't ponder much over the older blonde that leaned against the side of said car, arms crossed in front of her chest, a stern expression on her face.
Eli paused for a second and thought how in hell she was gonna get out of this. Simply ignore Sofia and get a taxi to her place? Well, knowing she was here alone was enough to make sex the last thing on her mind right now.
She had to get rid of them. First, the young thing that was now tugging at her sleeve relentlessly, trying to force a reaction, an answer out of Eli, then she would deal with that unexpected and very much unwelcome visitor.
"Hey..." Eli turned slowly towards Danielle, her gaze still locked with Sofia's before it snapped down to the young blonde's sickly sweet grin. "You know what, I think I've had too much to drink, all this fresh air is making me feel real dizzy. So I don't think it'd be a good idea if you came with me."
At the pronounced pout and the frustrated grabble at her ass, Eli flinched.
"But you said-"
She cut in. Oh god, this one was annoying.
"That meant I'm going home alone. And I'm not sorry at all. You know what, just get lost." She barked harshly, losing her patience.
The blonde let out a shocked and miffed gasp, but stalked away with her head held high.
"I really don't need that."
Eli chuckled at the unexpected comedy of the moment, as Danielle slipped on her heel, taking the gracefulness completely out of her defiant retreat.
"Aw, me neither, blondie." She murmured. Then she closed her eyes. Just a moment longer, a second to get a grip on herself.
Sofia. If she'd be allowing it to, her heart would leap with joy. If she still had it in her, she'd high-five herself, she' known she'd come one day. Took her long enough. But no. All about Sofia reminded her of everything she didn't want to be reminded of. And she'd made herself very clear in Vegas. This part of her life was over. Irrevocably.
Simply her pose against the car. All that was missing were her badge and gun, she was standing there like she was waiting for a colleague or the CSIs to arrive at a crime scene, patient, but a bit pissed off, expectant, but calm. Sofia. For a painful second Eli missed all that. But the sting came and went.
Why couldn't she respect what she'd been asked of? Why did she have to make it even harder on both of them? The anger Eli needed to feel bubbled up and she was almost sorry that she wasn't nearly as drunk as she'd like to be, so Sofia could see it and push everything that would come out of Eli's mouth in a few seconds on her state of intoxication. Not take it personally. Because it wasn't personal. It was self-preservation.
Eli pushed her shoulders back and opened her eyes, brown depths cold as ice as they met Sofia's waiting blue's. They stared at each other, taxing.
"I've got nothing to say to you. It's all been said and done. Just go home."
Eli rounded the car and opened the driver's side door.
*******
That was to be expected. But Sofia hadn't failed to notice that Eli had needed to collect herself before addressing her. She simply stayed silent and didn't move off the car or turn towards the tall brunette.
"Get your ass off my car, I wanna go home. You already ruined my night." The keys jingled in Eli's hand and her tone had gotten from slightly angry and annoyed to aggressive.
Sofia's pulse quickened. This wasn't the Eli she knew. And she was a long way from sober. She didn't know just how much had changed over the course of the past half year, but she was prepared for almost everything. So she didn't flinch. She turned, gave Eli a pointed glare that simply stated 'I don't care how you treat me, I'm here now and I'm not going to go away, deal with it.' and she opened the passenger side and fell into the seat, pulling the door shut loud enough to startle.
She heard Eli sigh and curse through the open door on the other side. Yet she made no move to climb into the car, too.
"I'm trying to be nice here. I really don't wanna do this to you, but you seem determined to leave me no choice. Get out of my fucking car, Sofia, or I'll drag you out of it.
If Sofia had any strategy, silence was it right now. Tire Eli out. Count on the hope that she still had enough propriety left to not cause a huge scene in front of a upscale club.
Eli growled. Beside herself, Sofia was the most stubborn person she had ever met. Well, beside herself and- dammit. Ten minutes and she was already thinking about- No, she wouldn't let her do that to her. She wouldn't permit it. This had to end, right here.
"Curtis, get out of the car. Last warning."
No reaction.
In utter frustration Eli threw her keys onto the upholstery of the seat, where they bounced once and clattered onto the floor. Her mistake registered a split-second too late.
Sofia had already bent over the console and fished the keys out of the foot space, then swung her legs over to the driver's side and settled behind the wheel.
"Best decision you've made so far, Eli. Now you get into the car and I'm going to drive you home. You're in no state to drive safely anyway."
"Oh, fuck me! I'm taking a damn taxi." Eli banged her fist on the car roof, glared one more time at the older woman who sat motionless in the driver's seat and shifted on her heels.
"Appartment keys." Sofia stated calmly.
"Don't fuck with me. You don't wanna do that, I'm warning you, Sofia."
There was something about the look in Sofia's eyes that threw Eli the moment their gazes met again. A familiar warmth she just couldn't stand. She squeezed her eyes shut.
"Get in, Casanova."
Eli just flipped her off and started walking.
Sofia started the car and pushed it in gear, driving at a steady pace beside Eli on the sidewalk.
"I don't wanna listen to you." Eli puffed over the parked cars.
"Who said I wanted to talk?"
"Smart-ass!"
"Crock!"
"What?"
Eli swiveled around and squeezed between some cars onto the street, ripping the door open and falling into the seat.
"Stow it. I assume you know where I live? Ah, sure you do, Lieutenant Curtis."
When Sofia didn't answer, Eli craned her neck to check on Sofia's expression.
Her jaw was set tightly and she appeared to be biting back a lot of things that dared to burst out of her mouth any second. But she held her tongue, just like she'd said.
Eli felt the strange need to fall into an old habit. How many times had they been driving around the city, albeit a different one, like this? At night, on their way to some scene, the PD, witnesses, out into the desert. They'd always talked. With Sofia, there had never been a lot of silence, they'd never been at a loss for words. They'd always had something to laugh or argue or simply chat about.
Sofia also felt the silence light a weight settling on her. She reached out to turn on the stereo, but Eli stopped her, their fingers meeting over the button, both snatching their hands away like they'd been burned by the others touch.
"Don't. I don't wanna hear what's on the stick right now. Not with you around."
Sofia hit the button anyway.
"You know what? I never thought I could say that, but right now, I hate you. I wanted to remember you as a friend. You're not acting like a friend here. This was never supposed to happen." Eli exploded, spat the words into Sofia's direction while the song that had been on when Eli had parked the car earlier faded out and a new one started. One that for Eli, was something very private. A song she sang along with when she drove aimlessly through the city at night, when she was too sober to sleep, but feeling to nauseous to drink just one more glass. When she tried. Tried to deal. When for the duration of that one playlist, the one that had just started, she was just Eli. Trying to bring herself to cry. Shouting lyric after lyric of songs that were supposed to bring her to her knees, but each time she'd reached her street again, all that remained were a sore throat, a bleep in her ears from the volume and a desperate longing for the drink she hadn't been able to down a mere hour ago.
'She'll watch the sky as it fades into black
Walks with the lovers that never came back
The princes and kings
All the beautiful things
And more
She won't wait, she'll never look back
Through the fog where the mirrors have cracked
She slides through a dream
With all her beautiful schemes
And more
She's got a reason to roam with the stars
Watch her go as she sings
Dum dum da da da da
Love is gold, time is a thief
She's the river that runs to the sea
With her arms open wide
Her sorrow, her smile
And more
Still she wanders soaked to the bone
The road she's on, well it won't lead her home
To the place where she cried
For the stranger inside
And more
She's got a reason to roam with the stars
Watch her go as she sings
Dum dum da da da da...'
Eli hadn't tried to skip to the next song or change to the radio or turn the thing off completely. She stared out of the side window and watched as the nightly city passed by. People strolling along, laughing, arms linked, on their ways to or from friends, a club, a party, a bar. Lights reflected in the driver's side mirror and it started to drizzle and her vision got blurry. But no one ducked and no umbrella's were opened. Strange. People in this city were used to this. Only when she tasted something salty at the corner of her mouth she became aware of what had been happening. She'd started to cry. Next thing she knew, her whole body cramped up at the realisation.
By this time Sofia had already stopped the car beside the building that housed Eli's loft and killed the machine.
Half a year. Six months. She'd made it so far and one car ride with Sofia Curtis blew it all to hell. Brushing the back of her hand over her face, biting back the sob that dared to escape her restricted throat, Eli started climbing out of the car like the seat was on fire, doubling over outside, gasping for air. Cold and salty tasting air rushed into her lungs and she panted, tears continuing to roll down her cheeks.
"Eli-" The blonde started, too close beside her and she heard the clack that announced the car was being locked, but Eli waved her off.
"I need a fucking drink. And I'm gonna call you a cab."
Eli straightened, shaking her head, shaking the warmth off, the familiarity, the longing for Sofia just to hold her and let her cry herself out, safe, comforted. No. She wasn't strong enough to cope with all that would come rushing out once these walls would be too cracked to hold it in. And she knew, Sofia could tear them all down with just her mere presence. So she swallowed hard and took off into the direction of the entrance door, Sofia hurrying to keep up. The brick building was impressing, so was the old goods elevator. Eli pulled the gate shut behind them and pushed the top button.
Once inside, Eli wasted no time retrieving a bottle of Bourbon from the counter and pouring a glass, downing it in one gulp. Then she picked a post-it off the refrigerator, punched the number into her phone and gave the taxi company her address.
*******
She was still stunned from the sheer size of the place. Sofia stood in the big room and took everything in. But had someone asked her hours later what Eli's place looked like, she would've come up with little to nothing. She felt lost.
She knew something had happened in the car, she'd seen the tears, the defiance in Eli's eyes and the hurt. New hurt, pain she had placed there. By just simply being there. She didn't know how to handle the situation.
Eli spoke again.
"Sofia, I want you- I need you to leave, take this cab to your hotel or wherever you checked in and do not come back. You are not a part of my life anymore. I don't want to see you again, not here, not at any of the places I'm at. I know you'll figure them out. I'm forbidding you to ever come unannounced again. I forbid you to try and see me again at all. You're not welcome. You're not my friend any longer. You've gambled that away by disrespecting what I asked of you. Be safe, but go."
Eli didn't even look at her. She just talked into the room before she grabbed the bottle and opened up a large glass front that led out onto a wraparound terrace.
"You can show yourself out."
Eli's words were half silenced on her way out.
'Just go. I'm sorry, I love you, I do, but just go, Fia.' She chanted in her head. She never wanted that, never wanted to hurt her friends even more then she already had by simply taking off and leaving them behind. Leonard, she hadn't really spoken with months before- the day. She'd learnt to deal with the loss before. But Sofia? She'd filled the gap and had more than made up for the silence and the angry glances that were all that had been left of Eli and Leonard's once so important and close friendship. She'd become the second most important person in Eli's life. Where did that leave her when- yeah. How could she have ever thought she could keep Sofia away. She was all that was left.
But the damn tears wouldn't stop. They just wouldn't stop falling. Without caring to look back, Eli rounded a corner and entered her bedroom from the outside, undressing quickly and stepping into the bathroom. But the cold shower didn't help either.
Carelessly dressed, she stepped back outside, grabbing the bottle and lighting up a cigarette while she stood at the railing, looking over the harbour.
She'd get this under control again. It was just a momentary slip. Too many memories at once. Too much familiarity. Too much of what she'd once called home and her family.
Had she allowed Sofia to stay, she'd have tried to break her barriers. Eli was aware that it had to happen one day, but not yet. She had no plan how to deal when being confronted with the pent up emotions inside yet. And until she came up with one, which would probably be never, she needed theses walls, needed the seclusion, the solitude, the detachment. The numbness. She took a swig from the bottle and felt the first sob.
No... Not yet.
Sofia still hadn't moved. She was lost in thought when she heard a shower being turned on, then off a few minutes later.
Her friend was broken. Had given up, had simply stopped living and had become a ghost.
She couldn't go, not now. Not without having really tried. Even though a part of her justification was surely selfish. She needed her friend back. She needed Eli in her life. Because Eli was the one person she couldn't bear losing. She couldn't.
Eli had saved her life. Literally. It was about time to return the favour.