CSI-fic: Objects in the rear view mirror (8/17)
Title: Objects in the rear view mirror
Author: TXLtoSFO
Fandom: CSI:LV
Pairing: Sara Sidle/OC Eli Trent & Sofia Curtis
Rating: I give it an overall NC-17, cos I don't wanna rate each chapter individually.
Disclaimer: CSI, its characters, places, and situations are property of Jerry Bruckheimer Television, Alliance Atlantis and CBS Productions. This story was written for entertainment, not monetary purposes. Original characters, and this story are intellectual property of the author. Any similarities to existing characters, fictional or real, living or dead, are coincidental and no harm is intended.
Spoiler/Warnings: Character death
Summary/Note: This is a sequel to my story 'Mistakes', which you can find on my LJ or on ff.net, where I go by the name Foodwise. It is dark and ventures completely off canon, there's not much of CSI left you're going to recognise.
A life-changing event drives Eli away from Vegas. Set roughly three years after the events in 'Mistakes'. You will need to have read that one to understand what is happening here.
Notes: This is the full flashback of the day Sofia had started remembering in the last chapter, told entirely from Eli's POV. I hadn't written anything in the first person for way too long, and this felt like the perfect opportunity. It's a long chapter and it hurt a bit writing it, but it also explains a lot of just exactly why Sofia and Eli are the way they are with each other...
Objects in the rear view mirror
8. A matter of trust
Eli POV
As I wake, I feel the weight of an arm rest on my side and it's wrapping me into a close embrace. The heat of another body warms my back and it takes me a second to realise that I'm sleeping on the softly cushioned couch and the arm doesn't belong to Sara, but I have Sofia cuddled comfortably into me. She must have noticed that the person she's holding is awake now, but she doesn't seem to remember that it's me, since her hand starts drawing lazy circles on my stomach. I try to wriggle out of her arm, but even in her state of half-sleep, she's surprisingly strong and holds on to me even tighter.
"Uh, Sophie, would you please let me get up? You're on my couch, remember? You're not home."
She mumbles something unrecognizable and all of a sudden I feel her lips on my neck. I jump off the couch not caring that I almost dislocate her shoulder.
"Whoa!"
"What the fuck? Oh, geez!"
We stare at each other in shock, Sofia wide awake now.
"Did I just?"
"Yeah, you did."
"Oh, fuck, I forgot it was you."
"I kinda felt that."
"I'm so sorry, I-"
"Hey, hey, it's okay. I didn't mind being held I actually think I wouldn't have managed to sleep at all without you here, but the stroking and kissing was not really necessary."
I can't help it, a chuckle escapes me. I still feel like a fuck-up, but this situation is so typically Sofia and me. She turns white as a sheet as it dawns on her that she really just nuzzled and kissed my neck.
It amuses me to no end to see her so dumbstruck and for the first time since I got home I feel a bit lighter. But the amusement is no genuine feeling. I use it to cover up my frustration and fear and anger. My chuckle sounds mad even to my own ears. God, I'm losing it. I decide to play on. I just can't fall apart, not this easily.
"You know, I'm kinda disappointed in you, Lieutenant. I call you in my darkest hour and you take advantage of it and almost molest me, not caring about my situation or your girlfriend. What will Lara say when I tell her that you still have the hots for me?"
Sofia growls and blushes profusely.
"Oh, shut up, Eli! I was still asleep and I've gotten used to waking up next to my girlfriend, not some random chick I don't even remember why I ended up on her couch. Some sort of heartache, I think."
I know she didn't mean it that way, but her words knock the air right out of my lungs and the already forced snicker gets stuck in my throat. An anger of such force, completely foreign to me, for me, bubbles up.
"Fuck you, Fia!" I hiss. "That was uncalled for. Actually, the whole thing was really kind of funny so far and I'm in desperate need for some elation. Thanks for ruining that moment."
"Argh, Eli! I'm sorry, that came out so wrong. I didn't mean to hurt you."
I just turn and start walking towards the kitchen. I've had enough of it. Yesterday, it was just panic and sadness and fear, now Sofia has opened the floodgates for an anger I just cannot suppress.
"Safe it. You know what? Go home, Sofia. I really appreciate you staying here tonight, but I think I'll manage now. Go home and finish what you wanted to start back there. You don't have to be here if you'd rather be fucking with your girl. I don't need you."
I lash out at her even though I know it's more than unfair. She's done everything right and I probably do need her support for some more time. But I'm hurting and I need some kind of release and right now she has become my punching bag.
She sits at the edge of the sofa and looks utterly crestfallen and extremely confused. Like she couldn't catch up from our antics to my immense anger. But the fog of red-dotted anger clouds my vision more and more.
Then she's on her feet and gets in my face faster than I can back up into the kitchen.
"You know what, Eli? I don't want to play your games. You have no fucking right to be angry. Not at me. You have no fucking idea what I should or want to do right now. I came here for you and I will stay here for as long as you need me if you get your anger under control. You are my best friend. You say jump and I ask how high, as long as I know you'll be there to catch my fall. But I will not let you insult me just because you're hurting."
I can't tame the ire inside of me. I try, but I can't. She shouldn't have gotten in my face. My mind can't really process her words right now. Years of pent up frustration, of fight and hunger for the one thing that I needed to have forgiven resurface in the fear of losing that exact thing after just so little time.
Like the world has formed a pact against me. Given me a taste of the bliss I thrived for just to snatch it out of my grasp the second I started believing that it was really going to last, this time.
"I don't need your pity." I spit out. "And I have every right to be angry. Twelve years of work, twelve years of becoming the best of me, twelve years of trying to make amends and she blows me off like some cheap hook up after one fight, one disagreement, one misunderstanding? I so don't need this. I should just go back to the person I was, life was so much easier back then. And I should have fucked you when I had the chance. I bet you're a bomb, Sofia. I wanted to get into your pants when I first saw you, but I was too much of that good girl I made myself become."
The change in her expression and posture is immediate and profound. She's ready to fight now. And oh, how I want her to fight. I've talked myself into a rage, a burning rage, she doesn't know what she's getting herself into.
"I don't recognize you. This is not you. Where have you gone Eli, that you feel compelled to stoop so low. You don't want her anymore? You want to throw away those years? I don't believe you."
Now it's my turn to growl. And right now, I don't care. I just feel my life slipping through my fingers, slick and deftly. Now I am really panicking. If not for Sara, what have I got? What could possibly keep me here? I can't bear to simply accept defeat. It's better to run now than to face that humiliation. That defeat.
"You see what I have done. I don't deserve her, I never have. So why bother. I tried, but obviously I'm still not good enough to make her happy. I'm done trying. Maybe who I was is who I've always supposed to be. And don't try to turn the tables on me, you won't guilt me into turning back."
She's stepping closer, right into my personal space. But I'm on a roll now. I've dug out my worst and I intend to use it. Sofia is such an easy one to fight with. So trusting, so good, so committed to the right thing. But she doesn't lack passion and she's stubborn and insistent. And when I look into her eyes, I see a challenge. A fire that speaks of more than friendship. Still. This will be good. This will be just like the old times...
"And you, don't act like you're any better. I can see it in your eyes. There still is something. Don't pretend to be so high and mighty, Sofia. You know what, since I just decided to leave, this is your one and only chance. Take what you wanted all along. There's no tomorrow. Lara will never know. By tonight, I will be gone and I won't look back."
I speak the words though I don't really mean them but the moment they are out of my mouth, they sound oddly reasonable. I think I've just made a decision. I'm trying desperately to force a reaction out of her that is even more than anger, more than a try to turn me around, to get through to me, something more violent. If I won't take on the fight I should really be fighting, this has to suffice.
We are standing toe to toe now. And I really like the motions that run over her face. For a second I think I saw her really considering my offer. She wouldn't. All she wants is to force me to see that I wouldn't do it. That there still is hope. She's with Lara and I am just - just so damn desperate and angry.
The next few minutes feel like they are going by in slow motion.
Sofia's face falls and the fight seems to leave her. That look of submission, of acquiesce doesn't suit her. Why won't she fight? Why won't she just shove me away and shake or even punch some sense into me? Kick my ass and change my mind. Why do I feel like I've bitten off more than I can possibly chew?
"Okay. Run away. Hide from what you fought for so hard. I won't tell anyone if you don't either."
My breath hitches as with that sentence, she slowly starts to open her shirt, button by button. My expression remains stoic as I grab her chin and force her backwards against the kitchen counter, brushing the shirt off her arms in one swift movement. My leg is between hers as I pin her to the counter.
She can't be real. She wouldn't... But she does. And the part of me that doesn't want to run, that wants to hurt, wants to fight, even revels in her ridiculous easiness, wants to see someone else but me fall apart reacts to her. I laugh, looking her straight into the eyes.
"Really, Sofia? Who's stooping low now?"
Her eyes challenge me to go through with it. I can't believe she is really doing this. I can't believe she really wants it. I give her one last chance to avert her eyes or give me any hint that this is not consensual, that she was really just daring me, hoping I wasn't serious, to snap me out of my rage with her boldness. Then I bend my leg and grind into her. Her eyes never leave mine and all I see is ice cold fury. My grip on her chin hardens, my fingers are close to leaving bruises on her beautiful face. Never before in my life have I been that close to really hurting someone I called my friend up until about ten minutes ago. Whatever happens next, one thing is sure, I am crossing a line and I won't be able to go back. And I don't care. I don't want to go back.
Sofia takes the hand that is balled to a fist at my side, pries it open and much too gently places my palm over her lace bra onto her breast. I lift my knee an inch more and that's when I get my reaction.
Dead seriously she husks it out, her low voice tinged with just the slightest bit of fear.
"Do it already. Prove that you're still an asshole. Prove it to me! Because I still don't believe it. Do it, Eli, fuck me and lose every last bit of self respect that's still in you. And you better make it one I'm going to remember."
Wrong move, Curtis.
I lean in so that my body covers hers completely and she has nowhere left to go. If this was indeed a game, she has lost. I take her earlobe between my teeth and bite down until she whimpers. I whisper into her ear, my voice sugar coated.
"I promise you, you're not going to forget this. You don't believe that this is me? I make you believe."
I run my tongue down her neck, feeling her heart beat wildly. I let go of her chin and both my hands grab her wrists and I firmly plant them behind her onto the countertop.
"How, Sofia? Like we were lovers, slow and intense and gentle? Or fitting for the situation, a hard, fast fuck against the counter?" I nip at her neck. My vision narrows. The world fades out. It's just me and her and my fear-induced rage. "Say I was right. Say you underestimated me. Say it!" I yell. Her breath hitches and her eyes search for mine. The coldness is paired with very visible fear now.
And I freeze. I have seen that look before.
I can feel myself falter. I feel my grip loosen and my fury is slipping out of my grasp, completely. The world around me lights up and suddenly I'm painfully aware of everything that I let happen during those few short, but irreversible moments.
Her eyes look too much like- Claire's. She's scared shitless. After everything we've been through together, we've learned about one another. I know she's strong, both physically and mentally, I suppose she could get out of this if she really wanted to. She's a cop, she knows how to do the most damage with the least of movements. But for some reason she doesn't move. When would she have stopped me? Would she have stopped me?
She still trusts me. And I know that she can see it in my eyes right this very moment that her trust in me wasn't futile.
Then I start to feel it. Her whole body is shaking and her legs start to give out. A violent tremble runs through my own body as I slowly let her slide down to the floor and I have just enough control over my body to send her a look of utter shock and disbelief over what I'd just been attempting to do and run my hand gently over her cheek before my stomach lurches and I burst through the patio doors and drop to my knees, throwing up. I gag until there's nothing left and still it doesn't stop. Tears stream down my cheeks while I dry-heave, again and again. I curl up on the wooden floor, gasping for air in-between sobs and the last vain attempts of my body to get everything out of my system as a warm washcloth is placed on my neck and a hand runs in soothing circles over my back.
I close my eyes and lift my arm, as if pleading her to stop it, I can't bear the thought that she's taking care of me after what I had nearly done to her. I don't want to hear what she has to say, I'm not worth anything right now. And never again. But I can't escape her in my state.
Her voice is rough, I can tell she is crying, too.
"I've never really been afraid of anything, Eli. And I was convinced I'd get you if I just pushed you far enough. But this was-" She pauses and I can hear the sobs she's trying to hold back. "I was afraid of you. Fuck, I've been really scared. And still something inside me told me just to trust my first instinct. To trust you that you would realise what was happening. Do you know what a close call this was?"
The convulsions have stopped, it seems like my whole body has slowed down and is listening to her. I take the cloth and wipe the snot and vomit off my face, spit the last remnants of bitter bile to the side and take a sip from the cold water bottle Sofia must've placed beside me before I turn to face her. I have to do it now or this last bit of trust will be gone for good.
As I look into her clear blue eyes all I see is compassion. No fear, no hate, no pity, just love and compassion. And then I see the marks on her chin, standing out dark against her fair skin.
"I hurt you." Is all I can manage.
She shakes her head and huffs.
"You've hurt me on so many levels today, the physical side is the least of it. Come on, get up."
I carefully pick myself up from the floor and the second I am standing upright, she slaps me, hard enough to make my head whip to the side and my cheek burn like fire.
Merely a second later she wraps herself around me, her whole body shaking again and finally she doesn't even try to smother her sobs, she cries into my shoulder openly and tries to yell at me at the same time.
"Don't you ever go to that place again. For a minute there I thought I'd really lost you, that you'd given up. You weren't yourself anymore, Eli, do you realise that? You were gone and instead of you there was this raging, panicking animal in the kitchen. Fuck you for making me love you that much that I trust you so deeply. What if you hadn't snapped out of it? I know I provoked you, I know I more than went with it, challenged you, but-"
As gently as I can possibly manage I touch her chin in the same places I just had a few minutes ago and she abruptly stops talking. I run my fingers over her face and kiss her forehead. I can feel my tears falling as I kiss her temple and then rest my chin on her head, holding her as close as humanly possible.
"Thank you, Fia. God only knows what I would have done if you had left instead of confronting me. Maybe it wasn't the right way, I'd rather have had you hit me, but something like this will never happen again. Thank you for trusting me, even when every fiber in your body must have screamed at you to get away from me."
She clings to me as much as I cling to her. I know that something is broken, but I don't dare to think about it yet. She's still here, isn't she?
"I shouldn't have pushed you that far. I got sucked into it. Hell, I was almost more afraid of myself than I had been of you. With just the slightest chance that you'd snap out of it, I would've -"
"Don't. Don't say that. Don't even think it. You'll never get the picture out of your mind. You'll never be able to look into my eyes anymore."
"It's too late. I would have gone through with it. You'd never hurt me, Eli, not more than I would've allowed you to, for the right outcome."
"I wanted to hurt someone. I lost control. Sofia, we both know what we are talking about. Even if you wouldn't have said no-"
This time it's Sofia who shuts me up. In a way I didn't understand at that moment. She kissed me. Soft, but demanding and deep. After a few seconds, we fall into a rhythm, as if we had been doing this for years. I mean, we did kiss before, but never like that. This kiss means something, to both of us. She pulls me back inside with her, never breaking contact. Her hands are on my face, her cold palms soothing my still burning cheek, then they're in my hair pulling me down to her, deeper and deeper into that kiss. I still don't get it. Not even so much that it must be gross to kiss me right now, but I scared her, hurt her, behaved like the world's biggest fuck-up. Yet she makes me lose all track of time and reason. All I can feel is her mouth on mine, her tongue brushing over mine, her body pressed into me and I wonder what it is we are doing.
As we break apart, we're both panting. Sofia still cups my face and stares deep and intensely into my eyes.
"This is the way I want to remember any kind of intimacy I ever shared with you. Not that knee between my legs, not your teeth or your tongue on my skin, mocking me. This is the reason I would have done it. Because this is you. This is the person a part of me will always be in love with. This is the you I trust with my life. You were right, Eli. You were right all along, even in your anger."
Right then, my phone beeps and she lets go of me instantly.
"Go get that. I have a gut feeling it's Sara. You willing to fight again?"
I gaze at her with wonder and amazement in my eyes and simply croak out: "Yes."
I have a text. And it's indeed from Sara. I read it once, twice, three time, then I throw the phone towards Sofia, who catches it and starts reading herself.
"No. She doesn't mean that. She doesn't, Eli. Whatever she is thinking right now, she's wrong."
I slump down on the couch and remain silent, thinking about Sara's words.
'I'll be coming by tomorrow afternoon to pick up the rest of my stuff. I got a storage compartment for my furniture, it'll be gone by Friday. It's hard to understand that you don't trust me after everything and that you fall so easily back into old behaviour. I kinda feel like you played me from the moment I came back to Vegas. I will hand in my two week's notice and I'll start over somewhere far away from San Francisco or Vegas. Far away from you. Good-bye Eli. I still believe you are the love of my life but I also resent this other side to you. It's a pity. Sara'
*******
I have taken a shower and then left the bathroom to Sofia, who's in the tub at the moment.
This is all too much for me. A thousand pictures race through my mind all at the same time. Sara and me in Frisco, joking about our future, her contorted face as she yells at me, my dismissal of her worries, the half-empty closet, Sofia comforting me, me pinning her to the counter, the look on her face as admits how scared she was, but that ultimate portrayal of trust.
I wanna fight. I want my life back, the life I already fought so damn hard for.
But that kiss is still tingling on my lips. It's messing with me. It's making me weak. But it has also given me my strength back. It's what I needed. It's what Sofia needed to put me back into the place I occupied in her life before.
I decide to give her some space, leave a blanket and a pillow on the couch and disappear into my bedroom before she's out of her bath.
Lying on my back, hands locked behind my head I stare up at the ceiling for the longest time, then I close my eyes in defeat and wonder how I will ever get out of this dilemma again. I've tried calling Sara again and again, all with the same result, the calls are redirected to her mailbox. I close my eyes and will the tears that are threatening to fall again away.
Am I even supposed to fight or will she just retreat for good if I start pressuring her. I have means to get in contact with her if I really wanted to. Why doesn't she even give it a try and talks to me about everything.
I feel the mattress shift beneath additional weight and feel Sofia slip beside me, smelling of my lotion.
I don't get why she's still here. I offered to call her a cab since she didn't appear to be in any state to drive, but she refused. I get even less why she's decided to come to me again instead of just heading to the living room to curl up on the couch and let the TV distract her. I don't even dare to open my eyes, I couldn't stand to look at her right now. I only realise that I have indeed started to cry again as I feel her fingers softly wiping the moisture away from my face. She cradles my head with her arms and I bury it in her shoulder while she once again shifts closer to me and I hesitantly allow myself to bask in the warmth she is radiating, both with her body and her calming presence. As the first sob escapes me again, I am wrapping my arms around her and in a string of half whined, half whispered words I apologize over and over again.
Again it is a strange and intimate closeness after the whole scenario in the kitchen. Even stranger when as she calms me, she starts kissing my crown, my forehead, my temples.
As I finally open my eyes and look at her, there's an expression of irritation, doubt and insecurity on her face. Like she can't fully fathom what she's doing or why. Staring straight into my eyes, she closes in and delivers a soft and short kiss to my lips. Blindly I tangle my hand in her long blonde hair and hold her head close to mine, close enough that our breaths still mingle.
I need her warmth, her reassurance. I need to know that we're going to be fine. But the gleam in her eyes tells me exactly what she wants, but doesn't dare to express.
"Do you love her?" I ask.
Sofia never breaks my gaze and nods while she answers.
"I think I'm getting there, yes."
"You know I love Sara with every beat of my heart? That I'm gonna fight tooth and nail to get her back?"
We've got to get this straight.
"Of course I do."
"You know that I never meant to hurt you? That you're incredibly important to me and that I hope nothing is ever gonna change that?"
Her glance flickers from my eyes to my lips and back again, confusion in her baby blues.
"Yes."
"Then tell me Sofia, what the fuck are we doing right now?"
Her fingertips run over my cheeks and still on my lips, on her face an expression of sheer curiosity, wonder and devotion.
"I'm not sure."
"Do you want to sleep with me, Sophie?"
Her silence answers my question.
"Why now?"
She just shakes her head, tears welling up in her eyes.
"Don't make me explain. I just need you right now. Yes or no!"
I know that this will make everything so much more complicated. I know that neither of us will probably be able to keep what's happened today and what eventually will happen to ourselves.
I lean in and it's me initiating the kiss this time. It's a mere brush of lips, but I instantly feel a change in her, she's tensing in my grip and the tiniest, most silent whimper escapes her.
As I pull back, her eyes have closed and see a Sofia I have never seen before. Flushed, breathing hard, eyes squeezed shut and desperately trying to cling to her last bit of conviction that this should feel so wrong.
"Why does this feel so right?"
Her voice is less than a whisper.
"Because we're both vulnerable after today, and we both wanted this to happen before. And I am not that person you confronted, I am not violent and I surely would never force myself on someone. Looking back at those minutes I get afraid of myself. I am a gentle person, Sofia, but it's hurting so much right now. And sharing this proximity now is comforting. It's me proving to you that that wasn't me. Like I have to exorcise what's happened and replace it with something that's real, that's me. I know it will backfire, with a vengeance. But I can't seem to let go of you."
"Then don't." She's started into my last word. "Don't let go. But make me forget this other Eli before those touches are burnt into my memory for good. Replace those, too."
I pull her head closer and kiss her in earnest again. It's a desperate, yet tender exploration. It's weird, it's completely crazy, stupid even. But I can't pull away and I honestly don't want to.
As she sits up and without a word removes her top, I let my hands run down her body. I never had a doubt, but she's beautiful. She arches her back and presses her chest into my hands as I gently cup her breasts and even the tiniest flick of my fingers rewards me with a loud moan.
She rips the shirt over my head and her eyes slowly take in all the ink she has never seen before, soon her hands follow the path of her eyes.
Feeling her shudder above me, I wonder what's going through her mind.
She kisses me sensually, grinding down on my lap in rotating motions. It takes my breath away. Suddenly, without a warning, she grabs my wrists and pins me down to the mattress, shaking her head.
"Eli, Eli-listen. We can still stop. We can just slip into our shirts again and sleep. You don't need to do this to prove anything to me. I know who you are. I will feel just as safe and reassured just laying here."
I wonder how she can still be so rational, when all I see in her eyes and expression is a need that's blindsighting me.
I blink rapidly. She lifts herself off me, hovering on her hands and knees. I react to her far too strongly. I shouldn't, I should pull away and do the reasonable thing as long as nothing has really happened. But that glint in her eyes that she tries so hard to hide, having her pinning me to the bed...
I close my eyes for a moment.
So wrong, so damn wrong.
But-
"The frightening thing is, Sofia, I want this just as much." And my head surges up, and I'm kissing her with all I have.
All I will be able to recall later is that I yelled, loud and very much to Sofia's pleasure. And I'd never forget her taste or the way she almost suffocated me, clutching my head between her thighs, urging me to go on even though I'm sure she could barely stand any more stimulation. I remember the string of harsh curse words that left her mouth as she came one last time, I remember the limpness I felt in my arms and that she was almost insatiable, like she tried to make up for a lifetime in one single night. I know that she moaned and groaned and screamed herself hoarse. We gave and took in equal amounts, exhausting all of the already little energy we still had in us. We left everything behind us.
I'm drenched in sweat, her hair is clinging to her face and back and shoulders as we lie entangled on crumpled, moist sheets.
"Eli, what did you do to me?"
I kiss her again, trying not to think too much about everything that has just taken place in this bed.
"Everything you asked me to do to you."
She shakes her head and buries it deep in the cushions.
"Fia, don't fall again."
"I don't think I can promise you that, ever."
"Why have I been afraid that you'd say that?"
"Because there always was something. It's just there. But I won't pay it any attention. It'll pass, it always has. I've got someone to go home to."
Panic grips me. Tightly. All, everything that has happened over the duration of not much more than five hours crashes down on me.
How the hell did I let this happen?
"Eli?" Sofia can read me, and she knows exactly what's going through my mind.
"I'm- I- Sofia, I can't..." Words completely fail me. I grab my clothes and dress in a frantic hurry. "I gotta get out of here, I gotta... Fuck! What have we done? How- Why? Sofia, do you know..."
"Eli!" Her voice is strained, but so stern and demanding like I've never heard it. "You listen to me and you listen to me good. I'm not going to say this again. I knew you'd regret this. Hell, I already do, too. But it's simple, really. This, all of this, has never happened. I came here, I took care of you, as a friend. Stayed by your side until I was convinced you had a grip on yourself."
She slowly gets up, not caring that she's stark naked.
I tremble, I fidget, wring my hands, I look away.
"A grip on myself? I'm not even..."
"Shut up!" She approaches me and her hands reach up to my cheeks, her grip on my face determined.
"You are going to find her, talk to her, fight to your last to convince her that her judgment of the situation was wrong. I'm going to back you up, because she is wrong. Show her how much you love her, how much you need her. And we are good, Eli. I forgave you. And from this moment on, it's also forgotten. Get this into your head. Nothing ever happened. Nothing, you get that? This day won't ever be mentioned again. There's nothing to feel guilty about. All that counts is Sara, who's probably sulking and drinking cheap beer on Greg's couch while grouchily watching 'Farscape' or some of the other crap Greg's so fanatic about. Go and get your girl back. But take a shower first, pick out something less pathetic to wear for later and then we'll sleep. Just sleep, okay?"
"And what about us?" I hesitantly probe.
Sofia shrugs. I just can't understand how she can be so nonchalant and convinced.
"What about us?" She says with raised eyebrows.
And I understand. Nothing has happened starts right now.
I lower my glance and nod. I can do that. I've done it dozens of times before. I've cheated and played it down, just simply forgot it. I can pull that off one last time. I need to. I need Sara in my life.
"Nothing." I mumble.
"Good girl. Now can I take another shower, too?"
Disbelief must still be written in bold letters across my face, because Sofia approaches me again, placing a chaste kiss on my cheek.
"We're good. Nothing has changed. I'm always there for you and Lara is absolutely adoring you and Sara."
I gasp and try to comprehend, try to adjust. If I ever underestimated a person, it has been Sofia. I don't think I will ever look at her the same way again. She's twisted.
"Bathroom's all yours. I'm gonna get us something to drink and then it's my turn." I say with a dry throat and twisted insides. Her nonchalance already makes it all appear like a dream. Like a very bad one at first and then a very hot, very disturbing fantasy.
As she starts heading towards the bathroom, I call her again.
"Fia." She turns and now has the decency to blush slightly as I allow my eyes one last time to roam over her still uncovered body.
"Huh?"
"You understand me right when I say that I love you?"
She smirks and huffs.
"Yeah. I do, too."
That was it. Things did go back to normal soon. And surprisingly easy.
Getting Sara to come back home was not nearly as hard as I had imagined. Our relationship was strained for some time, but not as damaged as I had feared. And I added a new tattoo to my collection. Directly under my left breast, along my ribs now runs the quote: The most important things are always the hardest to say.
Not much later Lara dumped Sofia unceremoniously. I'm still convinced Lara had a suspicion about what happened while Sofia was with me, and Sofia didn't mourn the loss for long. Life went on pretty much the same way it had before. I never forgot, but I managed to bury the memory in the farthest recesses of my mind.
*******
Eli looked up and found exactly what she was looking for. The understanding in Sofia's eyes had a devastating effect on Eli.
Why had she ever tried pushing Sofia away? She was the only one who could possibly help her through this. She was the only other person who really knew how Eli worked. And she was the only one left that Eli trusted implicitly.
"Sofia?" Eli voice was weak and hoarse. Desperate. "Would you really stay?"
"With you? Through anything."
Author: TXLtoSFO
Fandom: CSI:LV
Pairing: Sara Sidle/OC Eli Trent & Sofia Curtis
Rating: I give it an overall NC-17, cos I don't wanna rate each chapter individually.
Disclaimer: CSI, its characters, places, and situations are property of Jerry Bruckheimer Television, Alliance Atlantis and CBS Productions. This story was written for entertainment, not monetary purposes. Original characters, and this story are intellectual property of the author. Any similarities to existing characters, fictional or real, living or dead, are coincidental and no harm is intended.
Spoiler/Warnings: Character death
Summary/Note: This is a sequel to my story 'Mistakes', which you can find on my LJ or on ff.net, where I go by the name Foodwise. It is dark and ventures completely off canon, there's not much of CSI left you're going to recognise.
A life-changing event drives Eli away from Vegas. Set roughly three years after the events in 'Mistakes'. You will need to have read that one to understand what is happening here.
Notes: This is the full flashback of the day Sofia had started remembering in the last chapter, told entirely from Eli's POV. I hadn't written anything in the first person for way too long, and this felt like the perfect opportunity. It's a long chapter and it hurt a bit writing it, but it also explains a lot of just exactly why Sofia and Eli are the way they are with each other...
Objects in the rear view mirror
8. A matter of trust
Eli POV
As I wake, I feel the weight of an arm rest on my side and it's wrapping me into a close embrace. The heat of another body warms my back and it takes me a second to realise that I'm sleeping on the softly cushioned couch and the arm doesn't belong to Sara, but I have Sofia cuddled comfortably into me. She must have noticed that the person she's holding is awake now, but she doesn't seem to remember that it's me, since her hand starts drawing lazy circles on my stomach. I try to wriggle out of her arm, but even in her state of half-sleep, she's surprisingly strong and holds on to me even tighter.
"Uh, Sophie, would you please let me get up? You're on my couch, remember? You're not home."
She mumbles something unrecognizable and all of a sudden I feel her lips on my neck. I jump off the couch not caring that I almost dislocate her shoulder.
"Whoa!"
"What the fuck? Oh, geez!"
We stare at each other in shock, Sofia wide awake now.
"Did I just?"
"Yeah, you did."
"Oh, fuck, I forgot it was you."
"I kinda felt that."
"I'm so sorry, I-"
"Hey, hey, it's okay. I didn't mind being held I actually think I wouldn't have managed to sleep at all without you here, but the stroking and kissing was not really necessary."
I can't help it, a chuckle escapes me. I still feel like a fuck-up, but this situation is so typically Sofia and me. She turns white as a sheet as it dawns on her that she really just nuzzled and kissed my neck.
It amuses me to no end to see her so dumbstruck and for the first time since I got home I feel a bit lighter. But the amusement is no genuine feeling. I use it to cover up my frustration and fear and anger. My chuckle sounds mad even to my own ears. God, I'm losing it. I decide to play on. I just can't fall apart, not this easily.
"You know, I'm kinda disappointed in you, Lieutenant. I call you in my darkest hour and you take advantage of it and almost molest me, not caring about my situation or your girlfriend. What will Lara say when I tell her that you still have the hots for me?"
Sofia growls and blushes profusely.
"Oh, shut up, Eli! I was still asleep and I've gotten used to waking up next to my girlfriend, not some random chick I don't even remember why I ended up on her couch. Some sort of heartache, I think."
I know she didn't mean it that way, but her words knock the air right out of my lungs and the already forced snicker gets stuck in my throat. An anger of such force, completely foreign to me, for me, bubbles up.
"Fuck you, Fia!" I hiss. "That was uncalled for. Actually, the whole thing was really kind of funny so far and I'm in desperate need for some elation. Thanks for ruining that moment."
"Argh, Eli! I'm sorry, that came out so wrong. I didn't mean to hurt you."
I just turn and start walking towards the kitchen. I've had enough of it. Yesterday, it was just panic and sadness and fear, now Sofia has opened the floodgates for an anger I just cannot suppress.
"Safe it. You know what? Go home, Sofia. I really appreciate you staying here tonight, but I think I'll manage now. Go home and finish what you wanted to start back there. You don't have to be here if you'd rather be fucking with your girl. I don't need you."
I lash out at her even though I know it's more than unfair. She's done everything right and I probably do need her support for some more time. But I'm hurting and I need some kind of release and right now she has become my punching bag.
She sits at the edge of the sofa and looks utterly crestfallen and extremely confused. Like she couldn't catch up from our antics to my immense anger. But the fog of red-dotted anger clouds my vision more and more.
Then she's on her feet and gets in my face faster than I can back up into the kitchen.
"You know what, Eli? I don't want to play your games. You have no fucking right to be angry. Not at me. You have no fucking idea what I should or want to do right now. I came here for you and I will stay here for as long as you need me if you get your anger under control. You are my best friend. You say jump and I ask how high, as long as I know you'll be there to catch my fall. But I will not let you insult me just because you're hurting."
I can't tame the ire inside of me. I try, but I can't. She shouldn't have gotten in my face. My mind can't really process her words right now. Years of pent up frustration, of fight and hunger for the one thing that I needed to have forgiven resurface in the fear of losing that exact thing after just so little time.
Like the world has formed a pact against me. Given me a taste of the bliss I thrived for just to snatch it out of my grasp the second I started believing that it was really going to last, this time.
"I don't need your pity." I spit out. "And I have every right to be angry. Twelve years of work, twelve years of becoming the best of me, twelve years of trying to make amends and she blows me off like some cheap hook up after one fight, one disagreement, one misunderstanding? I so don't need this. I should just go back to the person I was, life was so much easier back then. And I should have fucked you when I had the chance. I bet you're a bomb, Sofia. I wanted to get into your pants when I first saw you, but I was too much of that good girl I made myself become."
The change in her expression and posture is immediate and profound. She's ready to fight now. And oh, how I want her to fight. I've talked myself into a rage, a burning rage, she doesn't know what she's getting herself into.
"I don't recognize you. This is not you. Where have you gone Eli, that you feel compelled to stoop so low. You don't want her anymore? You want to throw away those years? I don't believe you."
Now it's my turn to growl. And right now, I don't care. I just feel my life slipping through my fingers, slick and deftly. Now I am really panicking. If not for Sara, what have I got? What could possibly keep me here? I can't bear to simply accept defeat. It's better to run now than to face that humiliation. That defeat.
"You see what I have done. I don't deserve her, I never have. So why bother. I tried, but obviously I'm still not good enough to make her happy. I'm done trying. Maybe who I was is who I've always supposed to be. And don't try to turn the tables on me, you won't guilt me into turning back."
She's stepping closer, right into my personal space. But I'm on a roll now. I've dug out my worst and I intend to use it. Sofia is such an easy one to fight with. So trusting, so good, so committed to the right thing. But she doesn't lack passion and she's stubborn and insistent. And when I look into her eyes, I see a challenge. A fire that speaks of more than friendship. Still. This will be good. This will be just like the old times...
"And you, don't act like you're any better. I can see it in your eyes. There still is something. Don't pretend to be so high and mighty, Sofia. You know what, since I just decided to leave, this is your one and only chance. Take what you wanted all along. There's no tomorrow. Lara will never know. By tonight, I will be gone and I won't look back."
I speak the words though I don't really mean them but the moment they are out of my mouth, they sound oddly reasonable. I think I've just made a decision. I'm trying desperately to force a reaction out of her that is even more than anger, more than a try to turn me around, to get through to me, something more violent. If I won't take on the fight I should really be fighting, this has to suffice.
We are standing toe to toe now. And I really like the motions that run over her face. For a second I think I saw her really considering my offer. She wouldn't. All she wants is to force me to see that I wouldn't do it. That there still is hope. She's with Lara and I am just - just so damn desperate and angry.
The next few minutes feel like they are going by in slow motion.
Sofia's face falls and the fight seems to leave her. That look of submission, of acquiesce doesn't suit her. Why won't she fight? Why won't she just shove me away and shake or even punch some sense into me? Kick my ass and change my mind. Why do I feel like I've bitten off more than I can possibly chew?
"Okay. Run away. Hide from what you fought for so hard. I won't tell anyone if you don't either."
My breath hitches as with that sentence, she slowly starts to open her shirt, button by button. My expression remains stoic as I grab her chin and force her backwards against the kitchen counter, brushing the shirt off her arms in one swift movement. My leg is between hers as I pin her to the counter.
She can't be real. She wouldn't... But she does. And the part of me that doesn't want to run, that wants to hurt, wants to fight, even revels in her ridiculous easiness, wants to see someone else but me fall apart reacts to her. I laugh, looking her straight into the eyes.
"Really, Sofia? Who's stooping low now?"
Her eyes challenge me to go through with it. I can't believe she is really doing this. I can't believe she really wants it. I give her one last chance to avert her eyes or give me any hint that this is not consensual, that she was really just daring me, hoping I wasn't serious, to snap me out of my rage with her boldness. Then I bend my leg and grind into her. Her eyes never leave mine and all I see is ice cold fury. My grip on her chin hardens, my fingers are close to leaving bruises on her beautiful face. Never before in my life have I been that close to really hurting someone I called my friend up until about ten minutes ago. Whatever happens next, one thing is sure, I am crossing a line and I won't be able to go back. And I don't care. I don't want to go back.
Sofia takes the hand that is balled to a fist at my side, pries it open and much too gently places my palm over her lace bra onto her breast. I lift my knee an inch more and that's when I get my reaction.
Dead seriously she husks it out, her low voice tinged with just the slightest bit of fear.
"Do it already. Prove that you're still an asshole. Prove it to me! Because I still don't believe it. Do it, Eli, fuck me and lose every last bit of self respect that's still in you. And you better make it one I'm going to remember."
Wrong move, Curtis.
I lean in so that my body covers hers completely and she has nowhere left to go. If this was indeed a game, she has lost. I take her earlobe between my teeth and bite down until she whimpers. I whisper into her ear, my voice sugar coated.
"I promise you, you're not going to forget this. You don't believe that this is me? I make you believe."
I run my tongue down her neck, feeling her heart beat wildly. I let go of her chin and both my hands grab her wrists and I firmly plant them behind her onto the countertop.
"How, Sofia? Like we were lovers, slow and intense and gentle? Or fitting for the situation, a hard, fast fuck against the counter?" I nip at her neck. My vision narrows. The world fades out. It's just me and her and my fear-induced rage. "Say I was right. Say you underestimated me. Say it!" I yell. Her breath hitches and her eyes search for mine. The coldness is paired with very visible fear now.
And I freeze. I have seen that look before.
I can feel myself falter. I feel my grip loosen and my fury is slipping out of my grasp, completely. The world around me lights up and suddenly I'm painfully aware of everything that I let happen during those few short, but irreversible moments.
Her eyes look too much like- Claire's. She's scared shitless. After everything we've been through together, we've learned about one another. I know she's strong, both physically and mentally, I suppose she could get out of this if she really wanted to. She's a cop, she knows how to do the most damage with the least of movements. But for some reason she doesn't move. When would she have stopped me? Would she have stopped me?
She still trusts me. And I know that she can see it in my eyes right this very moment that her trust in me wasn't futile.
Then I start to feel it. Her whole body is shaking and her legs start to give out. A violent tremble runs through my own body as I slowly let her slide down to the floor and I have just enough control over my body to send her a look of utter shock and disbelief over what I'd just been attempting to do and run my hand gently over her cheek before my stomach lurches and I burst through the patio doors and drop to my knees, throwing up. I gag until there's nothing left and still it doesn't stop. Tears stream down my cheeks while I dry-heave, again and again. I curl up on the wooden floor, gasping for air in-between sobs and the last vain attempts of my body to get everything out of my system as a warm washcloth is placed on my neck and a hand runs in soothing circles over my back.
I close my eyes and lift my arm, as if pleading her to stop it, I can't bear the thought that she's taking care of me after what I had nearly done to her. I don't want to hear what she has to say, I'm not worth anything right now. And never again. But I can't escape her in my state.
Her voice is rough, I can tell she is crying, too.
"I've never really been afraid of anything, Eli. And I was convinced I'd get you if I just pushed you far enough. But this was-" She pauses and I can hear the sobs she's trying to hold back. "I was afraid of you. Fuck, I've been really scared. And still something inside me told me just to trust my first instinct. To trust you that you would realise what was happening. Do you know what a close call this was?"
The convulsions have stopped, it seems like my whole body has slowed down and is listening to her. I take the cloth and wipe the snot and vomit off my face, spit the last remnants of bitter bile to the side and take a sip from the cold water bottle Sofia must've placed beside me before I turn to face her. I have to do it now or this last bit of trust will be gone for good.
As I look into her clear blue eyes all I see is compassion. No fear, no hate, no pity, just love and compassion. And then I see the marks on her chin, standing out dark against her fair skin.
"I hurt you." Is all I can manage.
She shakes her head and huffs.
"You've hurt me on so many levels today, the physical side is the least of it. Come on, get up."
I carefully pick myself up from the floor and the second I am standing upright, she slaps me, hard enough to make my head whip to the side and my cheek burn like fire.
Merely a second later she wraps herself around me, her whole body shaking again and finally she doesn't even try to smother her sobs, she cries into my shoulder openly and tries to yell at me at the same time.
"Don't you ever go to that place again. For a minute there I thought I'd really lost you, that you'd given up. You weren't yourself anymore, Eli, do you realise that? You were gone and instead of you there was this raging, panicking animal in the kitchen. Fuck you for making me love you that much that I trust you so deeply. What if you hadn't snapped out of it? I know I provoked you, I know I more than went with it, challenged you, but-"
As gently as I can possibly manage I touch her chin in the same places I just had a few minutes ago and she abruptly stops talking. I run my fingers over her face and kiss her forehead. I can feel my tears falling as I kiss her temple and then rest my chin on her head, holding her as close as humanly possible.
"Thank you, Fia. God only knows what I would have done if you had left instead of confronting me. Maybe it wasn't the right way, I'd rather have had you hit me, but something like this will never happen again. Thank you for trusting me, even when every fiber in your body must have screamed at you to get away from me."
She clings to me as much as I cling to her. I know that something is broken, but I don't dare to think about it yet. She's still here, isn't she?
"I shouldn't have pushed you that far. I got sucked into it. Hell, I was almost more afraid of myself than I had been of you. With just the slightest chance that you'd snap out of it, I would've -"
"Don't. Don't say that. Don't even think it. You'll never get the picture out of your mind. You'll never be able to look into my eyes anymore."
"It's too late. I would have gone through with it. You'd never hurt me, Eli, not more than I would've allowed you to, for the right outcome."
"I wanted to hurt someone. I lost control. Sofia, we both know what we are talking about. Even if you wouldn't have said no-"
This time it's Sofia who shuts me up. In a way I didn't understand at that moment. She kissed me. Soft, but demanding and deep. After a few seconds, we fall into a rhythm, as if we had been doing this for years. I mean, we did kiss before, but never like that. This kiss means something, to both of us. She pulls me back inside with her, never breaking contact. Her hands are on my face, her cold palms soothing my still burning cheek, then they're in my hair pulling me down to her, deeper and deeper into that kiss. I still don't get it. Not even so much that it must be gross to kiss me right now, but I scared her, hurt her, behaved like the world's biggest fuck-up. Yet she makes me lose all track of time and reason. All I can feel is her mouth on mine, her tongue brushing over mine, her body pressed into me and I wonder what it is we are doing.
As we break apart, we're both panting. Sofia still cups my face and stares deep and intensely into my eyes.
"This is the way I want to remember any kind of intimacy I ever shared with you. Not that knee between my legs, not your teeth or your tongue on my skin, mocking me. This is the reason I would have done it. Because this is you. This is the person a part of me will always be in love with. This is the you I trust with my life. You were right, Eli. You were right all along, even in your anger."
Right then, my phone beeps and she lets go of me instantly.
"Go get that. I have a gut feeling it's Sara. You willing to fight again?"
I gaze at her with wonder and amazement in my eyes and simply croak out: "Yes."
I have a text. And it's indeed from Sara. I read it once, twice, three time, then I throw the phone towards Sofia, who catches it and starts reading herself.
"No. She doesn't mean that. She doesn't, Eli. Whatever she is thinking right now, she's wrong."
I slump down on the couch and remain silent, thinking about Sara's words.
'I'll be coming by tomorrow afternoon to pick up the rest of my stuff. I got a storage compartment for my furniture, it'll be gone by Friday. It's hard to understand that you don't trust me after everything and that you fall so easily back into old behaviour. I kinda feel like you played me from the moment I came back to Vegas. I will hand in my two week's notice and I'll start over somewhere far away from San Francisco or Vegas. Far away from you. Good-bye Eli. I still believe you are the love of my life but I also resent this other side to you. It's a pity. Sara'
*******
I have taken a shower and then left the bathroom to Sofia, who's in the tub at the moment.
This is all too much for me. A thousand pictures race through my mind all at the same time. Sara and me in Frisco, joking about our future, her contorted face as she yells at me, my dismissal of her worries, the half-empty closet, Sofia comforting me, me pinning her to the counter, the look on her face as admits how scared she was, but that ultimate portrayal of trust.
I wanna fight. I want my life back, the life I already fought so damn hard for.
But that kiss is still tingling on my lips. It's messing with me. It's making me weak. But it has also given me my strength back. It's what I needed. It's what Sofia needed to put me back into the place I occupied in her life before.
I decide to give her some space, leave a blanket and a pillow on the couch and disappear into my bedroom before she's out of her bath.
Lying on my back, hands locked behind my head I stare up at the ceiling for the longest time, then I close my eyes in defeat and wonder how I will ever get out of this dilemma again. I've tried calling Sara again and again, all with the same result, the calls are redirected to her mailbox. I close my eyes and will the tears that are threatening to fall again away.
Am I even supposed to fight or will she just retreat for good if I start pressuring her. I have means to get in contact with her if I really wanted to. Why doesn't she even give it a try and talks to me about everything.
I feel the mattress shift beneath additional weight and feel Sofia slip beside me, smelling of my lotion.
I don't get why she's still here. I offered to call her a cab since she didn't appear to be in any state to drive, but she refused. I get even less why she's decided to come to me again instead of just heading to the living room to curl up on the couch and let the TV distract her. I don't even dare to open my eyes, I couldn't stand to look at her right now. I only realise that I have indeed started to cry again as I feel her fingers softly wiping the moisture away from my face. She cradles my head with her arms and I bury it in her shoulder while she once again shifts closer to me and I hesitantly allow myself to bask in the warmth she is radiating, both with her body and her calming presence. As the first sob escapes me again, I am wrapping my arms around her and in a string of half whined, half whispered words I apologize over and over again.
Again it is a strange and intimate closeness after the whole scenario in the kitchen. Even stranger when as she calms me, she starts kissing my crown, my forehead, my temples.
As I finally open my eyes and look at her, there's an expression of irritation, doubt and insecurity on her face. Like she can't fully fathom what she's doing or why. Staring straight into my eyes, she closes in and delivers a soft and short kiss to my lips. Blindly I tangle my hand in her long blonde hair and hold her head close to mine, close enough that our breaths still mingle.
I need her warmth, her reassurance. I need to know that we're going to be fine. But the gleam in her eyes tells me exactly what she wants, but doesn't dare to express.
"Do you love her?" I ask.
Sofia never breaks my gaze and nods while she answers.
"I think I'm getting there, yes."
"You know I love Sara with every beat of my heart? That I'm gonna fight tooth and nail to get her back?"
We've got to get this straight.
"Of course I do."
"You know that I never meant to hurt you? That you're incredibly important to me and that I hope nothing is ever gonna change that?"
Her glance flickers from my eyes to my lips and back again, confusion in her baby blues.
"Yes."
"Then tell me Sofia, what the fuck are we doing right now?"
Her fingertips run over my cheeks and still on my lips, on her face an expression of sheer curiosity, wonder and devotion.
"I'm not sure."
"Do you want to sleep with me, Sophie?"
Her silence answers my question.
"Why now?"
She just shakes her head, tears welling up in her eyes.
"Don't make me explain. I just need you right now. Yes or no!"
I know that this will make everything so much more complicated. I know that neither of us will probably be able to keep what's happened today and what eventually will happen to ourselves.
I lean in and it's me initiating the kiss this time. It's a mere brush of lips, but I instantly feel a change in her, she's tensing in my grip and the tiniest, most silent whimper escapes her.
As I pull back, her eyes have closed and see a Sofia I have never seen before. Flushed, breathing hard, eyes squeezed shut and desperately trying to cling to her last bit of conviction that this should feel so wrong.
"Why does this feel so right?"
Her voice is less than a whisper.
"Because we're both vulnerable after today, and we both wanted this to happen before. And I am not that person you confronted, I am not violent and I surely would never force myself on someone. Looking back at those minutes I get afraid of myself. I am a gentle person, Sofia, but it's hurting so much right now. And sharing this proximity now is comforting. It's me proving to you that that wasn't me. Like I have to exorcise what's happened and replace it with something that's real, that's me. I know it will backfire, with a vengeance. But I can't seem to let go of you."
"Then don't." She's started into my last word. "Don't let go. But make me forget this other Eli before those touches are burnt into my memory for good. Replace those, too."
I pull her head closer and kiss her in earnest again. It's a desperate, yet tender exploration. It's weird, it's completely crazy, stupid even. But I can't pull away and I honestly don't want to.
As she sits up and without a word removes her top, I let my hands run down her body. I never had a doubt, but she's beautiful. She arches her back and presses her chest into my hands as I gently cup her breasts and even the tiniest flick of my fingers rewards me with a loud moan.
She rips the shirt over my head and her eyes slowly take in all the ink she has never seen before, soon her hands follow the path of her eyes.
Feeling her shudder above me, I wonder what's going through her mind.
She kisses me sensually, grinding down on my lap in rotating motions. It takes my breath away. Suddenly, without a warning, she grabs my wrists and pins me down to the mattress, shaking her head.
"Eli, Eli-listen. We can still stop. We can just slip into our shirts again and sleep. You don't need to do this to prove anything to me. I know who you are. I will feel just as safe and reassured just laying here."
I wonder how she can still be so rational, when all I see in her eyes and expression is a need that's blindsighting me.
I blink rapidly. She lifts herself off me, hovering on her hands and knees. I react to her far too strongly. I shouldn't, I should pull away and do the reasonable thing as long as nothing has really happened. But that glint in her eyes that she tries so hard to hide, having her pinning me to the bed...
I close my eyes for a moment.
So wrong, so damn wrong.
But-
"The frightening thing is, Sofia, I want this just as much." And my head surges up, and I'm kissing her with all I have.
All I will be able to recall later is that I yelled, loud and very much to Sofia's pleasure. And I'd never forget her taste or the way she almost suffocated me, clutching my head between her thighs, urging me to go on even though I'm sure she could barely stand any more stimulation. I remember the string of harsh curse words that left her mouth as she came one last time, I remember the limpness I felt in my arms and that she was almost insatiable, like she tried to make up for a lifetime in one single night. I know that she moaned and groaned and screamed herself hoarse. We gave and took in equal amounts, exhausting all of the already little energy we still had in us. We left everything behind us.
I'm drenched in sweat, her hair is clinging to her face and back and shoulders as we lie entangled on crumpled, moist sheets.
"Eli, what did you do to me?"
I kiss her again, trying not to think too much about everything that has just taken place in this bed.
"Everything you asked me to do to you."
She shakes her head and buries it deep in the cushions.
"Fia, don't fall again."
"I don't think I can promise you that, ever."
"Why have I been afraid that you'd say that?"
"Because there always was something. It's just there. But I won't pay it any attention. It'll pass, it always has. I've got someone to go home to."
Panic grips me. Tightly. All, everything that has happened over the duration of not much more than five hours crashes down on me.
How the hell did I let this happen?
"Eli?" Sofia can read me, and she knows exactly what's going through my mind.
"I'm- I- Sofia, I can't..." Words completely fail me. I grab my clothes and dress in a frantic hurry. "I gotta get out of here, I gotta... Fuck! What have we done? How- Why? Sofia, do you know..."
"Eli!" Her voice is strained, but so stern and demanding like I've never heard it. "You listen to me and you listen to me good. I'm not going to say this again. I knew you'd regret this. Hell, I already do, too. But it's simple, really. This, all of this, has never happened. I came here, I took care of you, as a friend. Stayed by your side until I was convinced you had a grip on yourself."
She slowly gets up, not caring that she's stark naked.
I tremble, I fidget, wring my hands, I look away.
"A grip on myself? I'm not even..."
"Shut up!" She approaches me and her hands reach up to my cheeks, her grip on my face determined.
"You are going to find her, talk to her, fight to your last to convince her that her judgment of the situation was wrong. I'm going to back you up, because she is wrong. Show her how much you love her, how much you need her. And we are good, Eli. I forgave you. And from this moment on, it's also forgotten. Get this into your head. Nothing ever happened. Nothing, you get that? This day won't ever be mentioned again. There's nothing to feel guilty about. All that counts is Sara, who's probably sulking and drinking cheap beer on Greg's couch while grouchily watching 'Farscape' or some of the other crap Greg's so fanatic about. Go and get your girl back. But take a shower first, pick out something less pathetic to wear for later and then we'll sleep. Just sleep, okay?"
"And what about us?" I hesitantly probe.
Sofia shrugs. I just can't understand how she can be so nonchalant and convinced.
"What about us?" She says with raised eyebrows.
And I understand. Nothing has happened starts right now.
I lower my glance and nod. I can do that. I've done it dozens of times before. I've cheated and played it down, just simply forgot it. I can pull that off one last time. I need to. I need Sara in my life.
"Nothing." I mumble.
"Good girl. Now can I take another shower, too?"
Disbelief must still be written in bold letters across my face, because Sofia approaches me again, placing a chaste kiss on my cheek.
"We're good. Nothing has changed. I'm always there for you and Lara is absolutely adoring you and Sara."
I gasp and try to comprehend, try to adjust. If I ever underestimated a person, it has been Sofia. I don't think I will ever look at her the same way again. She's twisted.
"Bathroom's all yours. I'm gonna get us something to drink and then it's my turn." I say with a dry throat and twisted insides. Her nonchalance already makes it all appear like a dream. Like a very bad one at first and then a very hot, very disturbing fantasy.
As she starts heading towards the bathroom, I call her again.
"Fia." She turns and now has the decency to blush slightly as I allow my eyes one last time to roam over her still uncovered body.
"Huh?"
"You understand me right when I say that I love you?"
She smirks and huffs.
"Yeah. I do, too."
That was it. Things did go back to normal soon. And surprisingly easy.
Getting Sara to come back home was not nearly as hard as I had imagined. Our relationship was strained for some time, but not as damaged as I had feared. And I added a new tattoo to my collection. Directly under my left breast, along my ribs now runs the quote: The most important things are always the hardest to say.
Not much later Lara dumped Sofia unceremoniously. I'm still convinced Lara had a suspicion about what happened while Sofia was with me, and Sofia didn't mourn the loss for long. Life went on pretty much the same way it had before. I never forgot, but I managed to bury the memory in the farthest recesses of my mind.
*******
Eli looked up and found exactly what she was looking for. The understanding in Sofia's eyes had a devastating effect on Eli.
Why had she ever tried pushing Sofia away? She was the only one who could possibly help her through this. She was the only other person who really knew how Eli worked. And she was the only one left that Eli trusted implicitly.
"Sofia?" Eli voice was weak and hoarse. Desperate. "Would you really stay?"
"With you? Through anything."