[FANFIC] To Insanity and Back ch 6
title: To Insanity and Back
author: Twiglet71
genre: angst
length: chaptered (6/?)
pairing: Yunho/ jaejoong
rating: pg13
warning; some bad language
summery: He just wanted to curl himself around Jae and hold him tight but was afraid to do so. He wasn’t sure what response he would receive and he didn’t want to cause anymore distress to the traumatized man sitting on his sofa.
Chapter 6
They entered Yunho’s apartment during the late afternoon. The doctor had visited them soon after their friends had left and insisted Yunho left while he examined Jae. Although Yunho was loathe to leave his boyfriend’s side, he did understand the need for privacy and distance in this situation. The doctor had discharged Jae but had given him an appointment for a follow up examination in one week’s time. Jae insisted on showering again before dressing and Yunho noted that it was the fourth shower he’d taken since the attack. Yunho also noted that he and Jae had hardly spoken either. He just wanted to curl himself around Jae and hold him tight but was afraid to do so. He wasn’t sure what response he would receive and he didn’t want to cause anymore distress to the traumatized man sitting on his sofa. He busied himself in the kitchen boiling water for a hot drink. He made them both a green tea and took it into the living room. Jae was sitting forward with his elbows resting on his knees, just staring into space.
“Jae….can I hold you?” Yunho sat beside him gently, making sure not to make physical contact.
“I thought you’d never ask……do you really want to.” Jae glanced at Yunho briefly, hardly making any eye contact.
“So badly Jae. I just want to hold you in my arms and never let you go”. Yunho could feel the tears leave his eyes and trickle slowly towards the corners of his mouth.
“You don’t mind if I shower first do you?” Jae suddenly stood up and walked towards the bathroom.
“Jae you’ve had four showers already. Just come and sit with me for a while. You can shower before we go to bed” Yunho approached him. Jae backed away and as he entered the bathroom he shut and locked the door before Yunho had a chance to reach him. Yunho sighed and returned to the sofa. Within seconds he heard the shower start and he knew his lover was trying to wash away the imagined filth that he thought the attack had left on him. As he sat there wondering how he was going to deal with his lover scrubbing his skin raw there was a knock at the door. He opened it to find his and Jae’s closest friends gathered around his door. Junsu, his eyes red and swollen threw himself at Yunho and hugged him tightly. No words were said as the young man cried on his shoulder. Yoochun gently pulled him away and led him past Yunho into the apartment. Yunho stood aside to allow Dong Wook and Min pass, they both patted him on the shoulder and entered the apartment. For the next 15 minutes Yunho filled them in on the events at the hospital. All the time he was speaking he was aware of the shower running. He wondered how long his lover was going to be in there.
“Have you eaten Yunho?” His thoughts were interrupted by Min and he realised that neither he of Jae had eaten since breakfast.
“No actually. Neither of us has. I wonder what Jae would like to eat” As he begun to rise from the sofa Min gently pushed him back down.
“Do you mind if I go and ask him what he wants? I’d really like to see him?” Min and Jae where childhood friends and were as close as brothers.
“No, of course not. Min, try to get him to come out of the shower. This is the fifth one he’s had since last night. It can’t be good for him.”
Min knocked on the bathroom door and waited for a reply.
“Jae…It’s me Min. Let me in.” His plea was spoken in a soft voice. The door unlocked and when Min entered he saw Jae sitting on the floor wrapped in a towel. He looked so despondent that Min felt his heart clench and could feel a lump rise in his throat. He sat next to his friend on the floor and put his arm around his shoulders.
“Oh at least you don’t mind touching me” Jae’s cold tone cut Min to the core.
“What do you mean, of course I don’t? Why would I?” Min suddenly realised the implication of Jae’s statement and felt his heart lurch.
“Well my so called boyfriend has hardly spoken to me let alone touched me. Ha! Then why would He? Why would he want to contaminate his perfect body by touching this?” Jae swept his hand down his body and began to sob. Min held him tight and rocked him gently.
“Jae…Jae…Yunho wants to touch you and hold you. He’s just afraid of upsetting you honey. He’s hurting because he knows you hurt and he doesn’t know how to deal with it all. Nobody thinks you’re contaminated or dirty. We all love you Jae, especially Yunho.” Min stroked his friends back as he sobbed.
“Oh so you think ‘Mr. Super star singer’ will still want to have anything to do with me now he knows I’ve been fucked by some dirty, filthy pervert! It doesn’t really fit in with his image does it? My God Min, he hasn’t even fucked me yet…. He was going to be my first and now I can’t even give him that!” Jae continued to sob into Min’s shoulder. His head felt like it was going to burst. Everything he’d hoped for was gone. He knew deep down that he didn’t really mean what he was saying. Yunho had held him in the hospital, and he had wanted to hold him when they arrived home. Jae knew that he was the one who didn’t feel good enough for his Yunho to hold and love. He felt sullied by the monster that had violated him and he didn’t want to pass that feeling onto Yunho. He loved Yunho so much and was looking forward to the time they would finally make love. He knew it was going to be soon and he knew Yunho wasn’t rushing him because it would be their first time. He so wanted it to be special for them both and now that was ruined. He felt like his whole life was in tatters. He knew his physical wounds would heal but he was scared that the feelings that lay broken and tattered inside him would never be right again.
As his sobs subsided Min took his face between his hands. He examined the bruises and cuts and felt his heart break. How could anyone do this to another human being? The younger man felt anger well up inside him, an anger he didn’t know he possessed, he knew that if he laid his hands on the man that had done this to his best friend he would break him. He would break him into a million pieces.
“Jae, Yunho loves you. He’s never going to fuck you, but make love to you. At the moment he just wants to help you. Please don’t push him away. This relationship is the best thing in your life so cherish it. Get through this and you’ll both be stronger. You must pull together not apart” Min kissed Jae’s forehead. “Now, food…what do you want to eat?”
“I don’t………”
“Don’t think about saying you’re not hungry. I know you and Yunho haven’t eaten all day. You need your strength and so does he. I think we’ll have pizza, Ok?” Min got up from his place on the floor. “Get dressed and come and see your friends Jae. Go and sit with your boyfriend and hold him tight. I think you both need that” Min left the bathroom and Jae looked at himself in the mirror. His friend was right, he knew that. He would go to his Yunho and receive the comfort he knew he needed. He went into Yunho’s bedroom and gasped as he saw his suitcases sitting at the end of the bed. He knew straight away what the situation was. So, Yunho wanted to look after him. He wanted to be his saviour. Jae shook his head and tried to smile. ‘I’ll let you save me Yunho but it’s going to be a job and a half”.
Empty pizza boxes and coke cans lay on the coffee table in Yunho’s spacious living room. Jae was resting in Yunho’s arms, the events of the last 24hrs catching up with him. He looked around at his friends as they watched a repeat of the MTV awards where his boyfriend performed and received an award.
The show finished and everyone began to stir. It had already been decided that their friends would stay the night as it was late and everyone was tired. As they wished each other goodnight and made their way to their rooms Jae was deep in thought. He entered Yunho’s room and took the spare quilt and pillow from the closet. He made his way to the fourth bedroom, the smallest in the apartment. He laid the quilt on the single bed and climbed in. He knew in his heart that he should be with Yunho, that Yunho would want them to be together, but he couldn’t fight the feeling that he was dirty, not good enough to be near his beloved boyfriend.
Yunho entered his bed room and walked towards the bed. He looked around the empty room and wondered where Jae was. He went to the bathroom only to find it empty. He went back in to the living room and switched on the light. Jae wasn’t there either. The only place left to look was the small room. As he walked in his heart felt like breaking. He saw Jae curled up under the quilt looking so alone.
“Baby, why are you in here?” Yunho sat on the edge of the bed and laid his hand on Jae’s back.
“I thought you’d want me to stay in here tonight”
“But why honey?”
“Well….because…..” Jae didn’t have an answer, just a feeling, a feeling that he couldn’t put into words. He started to cry “I don’t know Yunho…I just don’t know…”
Yunho pulled him into his arms and held him tight. “Come on love. Come to bed with me. Let me hold you like I have been all evening. I need you with me Jae. I need you close” Yunho helped him from the bed and led him to his room. He helped him into the bed. He notice Jae’s movements were stiff. He remembered that Jae was damaged inside and he felt his chest tighten at the thought of what his lover had endured. He covered him up and removed his own clothes, he dressed in a t-shirt and sweat pants and slipped under the covers. He cradled his lover in his arms and kissed him softly on the lips. “Sleep baby. I’m not going to let go of you all night.” Jae felt his eyelids become heavy and he slowly drifted off to sleep.
“Nooooooo!!!!! Get off me!!!!!!!!! Don’t don’t………..”
Yunho awoke to the screams of his lover. Jae thrashed about the bed, his arms flying all over the place. Yunho tried to restrain him in fear that he might hurt himself. That was a mistake as Jae thrashed more wildly. His eyes were wide open with fear. He shook Yunho off and lashed out at him with clenched fists. One of the punches caught Yunho under the eye. A second fist catching him in the mouth. He could taste the coppery flavour of blood and knew it was time to back off. He backed out of the bed and his lover began to calm. He sat on the floor and waited for Jae to calm completely. Jae opened his eyes and looked around him.
“Yunho….where are you?” He seemed to be fully awake and unaware of his recent actions.
“I’m here babe” Yunho was looking down at the floor, wiping the blood from his chin and mouth with his t shirt.
“Why are you on the floor Yunho?” Yunho looked up at Jae and saw the shock in his eyes as the realisation of what had happened hit him.
“Oh my God, Yunho! I did that didn’t I? I’m so sorry, I’m stupid - so stupid” the tears welled up in Jae’s eyes as he saw his lover’s bloody and bruised face. Yunho jumped up from the floor and immediately held Jae in his arms.
“No you’re not honey. You didn’t mean it. It was my own fault for holding you while you were having night terrors. I just scared you more. I’m the one who’s sorry, it’s my fault” he laid Jae back down and covered him.
“Don’t cry baby. It’s ok. Let me get this shirt off and I’ll come and hold you”.
Yunho slipped off his shirt and slipped back under the covers with Jae. He held him as he cried himself to sleep. ‘If he has another nightmare I’ll still hold him till it’s subsides’ Yunho thought. He didn’t care if he got another battering; all that mattered to him was that his Jae wasn’t alone. He knew it was going to be hard, he knew it was going to be the first of many long nights.
author: Twiglet71
genre: angst
length: chaptered (6/?)
pairing: Yunho/ jaejoong
rating: pg13
warning; some bad language
summery: He just wanted to curl himself around Jae and hold him tight but was afraid to do so. He wasn’t sure what response he would receive and he didn’t want to cause anymore distress to the traumatized man sitting on his sofa.
Chapter 6
They entered Yunho’s apartment during the late afternoon. The doctor had visited them soon after their friends had left and insisted Yunho left while he examined Jae. Although Yunho was loathe to leave his boyfriend’s side, he did understand the need for privacy and distance in this situation. The doctor had discharged Jae but had given him an appointment for a follow up examination in one week’s time. Jae insisted on showering again before dressing and Yunho noted that it was the fourth shower he’d taken since the attack. Yunho also noted that he and Jae had hardly spoken either. He just wanted to curl himself around Jae and hold him tight but was afraid to do so. He wasn’t sure what response he would receive and he didn’t want to cause anymore distress to the traumatized man sitting on his sofa. He busied himself in the kitchen boiling water for a hot drink. He made them both a green tea and took it into the living room. Jae was sitting forward with his elbows resting on his knees, just staring into space.
“Jae….can I hold you?” Yunho sat beside him gently, making sure not to make physical contact.
“I thought you’d never ask……do you really want to.” Jae glanced at Yunho briefly, hardly making any eye contact.
“So badly Jae. I just want to hold you in my arms and never let you go”. Yunho could feel the tears leave his eyes and trickle slowly towards the corners of his mouth.
“You don’t mind if I shower first do you?” Jae suddenly stood up and walked towards the bathroom.
“Jae you’ve had four showers already. Just come and sit with me for a while. You can shower before we go to bed” Yunho approached him. Jae backed away and as he entered the bathroom he shut and locked the door before Yunho had a chance to reach him. Yunho sighed and returned to the sofa. Within seconds he heard the shower start and he knew his lover was trying to wash away the imagined filth that he thought the attack had left on him. As he sat there wondering how he was going to deal with his lover scrubbing his skin raw there was a knock at the door. He opened it to find his and Jae’s closest friends gathered around his door. Junsu, his eyes red and swollen threw himself at Yunho and hugged him tightly. No words were said as the young man cried on his shoulder. Yoochun gently pulled him away and led him past Yunho into the apartment. Yunho stood aside to allow Dong Wook and Min pass, they both patted him on the shoulder and entered the apartment. For the next 15 minutes Yunho filled them in on the events at the hospital. All the time he was speaking he was aware of the shower running. He wondered how long his lover was going to be in there.
“Have you eaten Yunho?” His thoughts were interrupted by Min and he realised that neither he of Jae had eaten since breakfast.
“No actually. Neither of us has. I wonder what Jae would like to eat” As he begun to rise from the sofa Min gently pushed him back down.
“Do you mind if I go and ask him what he wants? I’d really like to see him?” Min and Jae where childhood friends and were as close as brothers.
“No, of course not. Min, try to get him to come out of the shower. This is the fifth one he’s had since last night. It can’t be good for him.”
Min knocked on the bathroom door and waited for a reply.
“Jae…It’s me Min. Let me in.” His plea was spoken in a soft voice. The door unlocked and when Min entered he saw Jae sitting on the floor wrapped in a towel. He looked so despondent that Min felt his heart clench and could feel a lump rise in his throat. He sat next to his friend on the floor and put his arm around his shoulders.
“Oh at least you don’t mind touching me” Jae’s cold tone cut Min to the core.
“What do you mean, of course I don’t? Why would I?” Min suddenly realised the implication of Jae’s statement and felt his heart lurch.
“Well my so called boyfriend has hardly spoken to me let alone touched me. Ha! Then why would He? Why would he want to contaminate his perfect body by touching this?” Jae swept his hand down his body and began to sob. Min held him tight and rocked him gently.
“Jae…Jae…Yunho wants to touch you and hold you. He’s just afraid of upsetting you honey. He’s hurting because he knows you hurt and he doesn’t know how to deal with it all. Nobody thinks you’re contaminated or dirty. We all love you Jae, especially Yunho.” Min stroked his friends back as he sobbed.
“Oh so you think ‘Mr. Super star singer’ will still want to have anything to do with me now he knows I’ve been fucked by some dirty, filthy pervert! It doesn’t really fit in with his image does it? My God Min, he hasn’t even fucked me yet…. He was going to be my first and now I can’t even give him that!” Jae continued to sob into Min’s shoulder. His head felt like it was going to burst. Everything he’d hoped for was gone. He knew deep down that he didn’t really mean what he was saying. Yunho had held him in the hospital, and he had wanted to hold him when they arrived home. Jae knew that he was the one who didn’t feel good enough for his Yunho to hold and love. He felt sullied by the monster that had violated him and he didn’t want to pass that feeling onto Yunho. He loved Yunho so much and was looking forward to the time they would finally make love. He knew it was going to be soon and he knew Yunho wasn’t rushing him because it would be their first time. He so wanted it to be special for them both and now that was ruined. He felt like his whole life was in tatters. He knew his physical wounds would heal but he was scared that the feelings that lay broken and tattered inside him would never be right again.
As his sobs subsided Min took his face between his hands. He examined the bruises and cuts and felt his heart break. How could anyone do this to another human being? The younger man felt anger well up inside him, an anger he didn’t know he possessed, he knew that if he laid his hands on the man that had done this to his best friend he would break him. He would break him into a million pieces.
“Jae, Yunho loves you. He’s never going to fuck you, but make love to you. At the moment he just wants to help you. Please don’t push him away. This relationship is the best thing in your life so cherish it. Get through this and you’ll both be stronger. You must pull together not apart” Min kissed Jae’s forehead. “Now, food…what do you want to eat?”
“I don’t………”
“Don’t think about saying you’re not hungry. I know you and Yunho haven’t eaten all day. You need your strength and so does he. I think we’ll have pizza, Ok?” Min got up from his place on the floor. “Get dressed and come and see your friends Jae. Go and sit with your boyfriend and hold him tight. I think you both need that” Min left the bathroom and Jae looked at himself in the mirror. His friend was right, he knew that. He would go to his Yunho and receive the comfort he knew he needed. He went into Yunho’s bedroom and gasped as he saw his suitcases sitting at the end of the bed. He knew straight away what the situation was. So, Yunho wanted to look after him. He wanted to be his saviour. Jae shook his head and tried to smile. ‘I’ll let you save me Yunho but it’s going to be a job and a half”.
Empty pizza boxes and coke cans lay on the coffee table in Yunho’s spacious living room. Jae was resting in Yunho’s arms, the events of the last 24hrs catching up with him. He looked around at his friends as they watched a repeat of the MTV awards where his boyfriend performed and received an award.
The show finished and everyone began to stir. It had already been decided that their friends would stay the night as it was late and everyone was tired. As they wished each other goodnight and made their way to their rooms Jae was deep in thought. He entered Yunho’s room and took the spare quilt and pillow from the closet. He made his way to the fourth bedroom, the smallest in the apartment. He laid the quilt on the single bed and climbed in. He knew in his heart that he should be with Yunho, that Yunho would want them to be together, but he couldn’t fight the feeling that he was dirty, not good enough to be near his beloved boyfriend.
Yunho entered his bed room and walked towards the bed. He looked around the empty room and wondered where Jae was. He went to the bathroom only to find it empty. He went back in to the living room and switched on the light. Jae wasn’t there either. The only place left to look was the small room. As he walked in his heart felt like breaking. He saw Jae curled up under the quilt looking so alone.
“Baby, why are you in here?” Yunho sat on the edge of the bed and laid his hand on Jae’s back.
“I thought you’d want me to stay in here tonight”
“But why honey?”
“Well….because…..” Jae didn’t have an answer, just a feeling, a feeling that he couldn’t put into words. He started to cry “I don’t know Yunho…I just don’t know…”
Yunho pulled him into his arms and held him tight. “Come on love. Come to bed with me. Let me hold you like I have been all evening. I need you with me Jae. I need you close” Yunho helped him from the bed and led him to his room. He helped him into the bed. He notice Jae’s movements were stiff. He remembered that Jae was damaged inside and he felt his chest tighten at the thought of what his lover had endured. He covered him up and removed his own clothes, he dressed in a t-shirt and sweat pants and slipped under the covers. He cradled his lover in his arms and kissed him softly on the lips. “Sleep baby. I’m not going to let go of you all night.” Jae felt his eyelids become heavy and he slowly drifted off to sleep.
“Nooooooo!!!!! Get off me!!!!!!!!! Don’t don’t………..”
Yunho awoke to the screams of his lover. Jae thrashed about the bed, his arms flying all over the place. Yunho tried to restrain him in fear that he might hurt himself. That was a mistake as Jae thrashed more wildly. His eyes were wide open with fear. He shook Yunho off and lashed out at him with clenched fists. One of the punches caught Yunho under the eye. A second fist catching him in the mouth. He could taste the coppery flavour of blood and knew it was time to back off. He backed out of the bed and his lover began to calm. He sat on the floor and waited for Jae to calm completely. Jae opened his eyes and looked around him.
“Yunho….where are you?” He seemed to be fully awake and unaware of his recent actions.
“I’m here babe” Yunho was looking down at the floor, wiping the blood from his chin and mouth with his t shirt.
“Why are you on the floor Yunho?” Yunho looked up at Jae and saw the shock in his eyes as the realisation of what had happened hit him.
“Oh my God, Yunho! I did that didn’t I? I’m so sorry, I’m stupid - so stupid” the tears welled up in Jae’s eyes as he saw his lover’s bloody and bruised face. Yunho jumped up from the floor and immediately held Jae in his arms.
“No you’re not honey. You didn’t mean it. It was my own fault for holding you while you were having night terrors. I just scared you more. I’m the one who’s sorry, it’s my fault” he laid Jae back down and covered him.
“Don’t cry baby. It’s ok. Let me get this shirt off and I’ll come and hold you”.
Yunho slipped off his shirt and slipped back under the covers with Jae. He held him as he cried himself to sleep. ‘If he has another nightmare I’ll still hold him till it’s subsides’ Yunho thought. He didn’t care if he got another battering; all that mattered to him was that his Jae wasn’t alone. He knew it was going to be hard, he knew it was going to be the first of many long nights.