Worst nightmare in a really long time.
Careening.This morning, I had the worst nightmare in a long time. It was so bad, I'm actually describing it as a nightmare. I have not had a nightmare in the last two years. This is significant.
I'm driving back from my sister's school, bringing her home, going through San Jose. Going up 1st Street to the freeway on-ramp. For some reason, after I made a turn, rather than turning the steering wheel back, I take my hands off the wheel and hold myself up above the drivers seat. Like I was some kind of gymnast ready to do a handstand while driving. My sister freaks out in the back seat. I say I'm sorry and I keep driving onto the freeway.
When I'm on the freeway, I'm faced with 4 or 5 ramps to choose from and I realize I'm not on 1st yet. I need to take a freeway to get to 1st. As I'm driving, the side barriers on the freeway ramp are nowhere to be seen. There is a slight bump in the asphalt where the barrier was supposed to be, like a mole had been digging through, elevating a trail of dirt. The ramp turned quickly right but I turned too quickly. I swerved and my back wheel flew over the side of the ramp. In a rush of adrenaline, I instinctly floored the gas pedal and tried to power through the turn. Instead, the ramp launched me far into the air, like the car was a Frisbee. I had lost all control of the car. The steering wheel was spinning on its own. The ground was no longer visible. Little bits of trash were floating above the passenger seat. My sister looked at me through my rear view mirror.
Everything turned silent. I turned around, looked her in the eye and said, "I'm so sorry, Karen." She looked back at me with empty eyes, arms folded. Apology not accepted. Her hair floating up as we were in freefall. I wished there was something I could say or do to fix this. But it was too late. This was our last moment. The buildings quickly rose up from the ground and surrounded us. Looking out the front windshield, the ground got suddenly bigger. I awoke.
My dream got muddled with construction sounds outside my bedroom window and I had to wake out of it. This dream may have something to do with my fear of getting in accidents, or my sister's fear of driving, or the fact that I'm going to San Jose this weekend. I've still alive. I've got fear in my bones. Don't let it get to you.