Medium - Chapter 19
Title: Medium (Part 19/??)
Author: kaitou_marron
Warnings/Rating: None, worksafe.
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Summary: AU. Tuti is still acting, while Nagayan’s life decisions have turned him on the road of art rather than entertainment…
Previously on Medium, the aftermath of the kiss at the bar confuses Tuti and drives Nagayan into isolation...
Notes: Previous chapters can be found [in my memories]
Much thanks to analineblue for beta-ing through the pretty and the ugly chapters...
Sorry for the slow update. Some chapters/points in my personal life are harder to write through. (However, I think after this weekend, I'll be full of fangirl energy. ^.~)
Chapter 19: Ultimatums
Backstage, Tuti grabbed a towel and dragged it sloppily across his forehead. Although it was another successful show, he was unsure how much it actually meant to him. Sure he was more than happy to accept the gifts from fans, the applause, and the good reviews, but he also needed time for himself in order to take care of personal business. He sagged back against his chair. The show was more than halfway through its run, and he couldn’t be more grateful. His eyes automatically turned to the clock. It wasn’t too late. And just like every day for the past few days, he picked up his cell phone and pulled up Nagayan’s number.
‘One, two, three, four, five …’ he counted impatiently, knowing very well what was coming next. It clicked over to a prerecorded message.
“Hi, you’ve reached Nagayama Takashi. I can’t come to the phone right now-”
Tuti snapped his phone shut in frustration. For six days, all he got was Nagayan’s stupid voice mail message.
‘Well, that’s not quite true,’ he thought, reflectively. There was the brief message he had received from Nagayan a couple days ago during the show.
“Hey, Tuti. Sorry I haven’t been around much. I’ve sort of been busy. Maybe I’ll catch you later.” That was all he had gotten - a short, rushed, unsatisfying message that told him absolutely nothing.
‘Bullshit,’ he thought, forehead puckering sourly. The words that Nagayan had chosen to use were dodgy and indefinite at best. ‘Sort of busy. Maybe … later,’ he quipped derisively. He really hated that “maybe.”
Slamming his cell phone against his desk space, he let out an exaggerated sigh. ‘Four more days, and I can go see what’s wrong with him. I can force him to see me.’
So far he hadn’t had the time to do anything much more than call, what with his obligations to the play. He had indulged his impulse and sent a small gift to Nagayan’s apartment in attempt to smooth things over, but he couldn’t be sure that the artist had received it or hadn’t just discarded it, like he had so many other times.
He could understand why Nagayan was being elusive in the wake of their kiss, but he had a million questions too - specifically, whether Nagayan had a boyfriend or not. He also wanted to reassure Nagayan that he was fine with the kiss, although telling Nagayan that he was more than fine with the kiss depended on how Nagayan responded to his questions.
These emotions were still relatively new to him, and there were still moments when he was shocked by his discovery of having romantic inclinations towards Nagayan.
‘I’m gay … so no wonder all of those other relationships didn’t work out before.’ Sometimes his thoughts were wryly accepting, while at other times, he tried to deny the fact that he could be attracted to members of the same sex. Was this really something he would be able to accept about himself? One moment he felt one way, while the next moment, he had the exact opposite view. He was one to deal with his problems head-on without reservation, but it was impossible with Nagayan treating him no better than a stranger. The feeling was demoralizing and ignored efforts wore on him to the point that he was emotionally exhausted.
‘I don’t know what else to do,’ he thought mournfully, surveying his tired appearance in the mirror. His skin looked pinched, the color sallow, and his usually lively eyes looked dull. The shows were draining him physically, and Nagayan was draining him emotionally.
‘I don’t know how much more of this I can take.’ Helplessly, he let his head drop to the desk.
-------
Several of days had passed since the drunken kiss at the bar, but Nagayan remained in a reclusive state. He sat in bed and stared listlessly at his toes. A sketchpad was discarded at the side of his bed, and his lap was filled with eraser shavings. He couldn’t even focus his emotional frustrations via his artwork anymore. Everything he drew was crap, crap, crap. Instead of having the beautiful flow he was known for, his sketches looked as disturbed as his emotional state.
Letting his head fall back, he winced as the back of it hit the headboard. He was so useless. For six days, he had been useless, unable to draw or help around the house.
‘Kiss … Tuti …’ he thought, raking a hand through his hair. He grasped at the locks angrily. ‘My secret’s out. He knows … about me. Nobody needs to know that. It’s private; things like that aren’t supposed to be shared.’ He was more aware of privacy than most people, but it was part of who he was. However, it was something that made him feel like an outsider. He feared that the information would get out and that others would treat him differently. How could he hope that others, even Tuti, would understand? He treated himself differently since his discovery.
He had long suspected where his own interests were long before he was forced to come to terms with them, but one guy had made him absolutely sure of it. He ached for days past, when he didn’t fully understand the idea of social obligations, social obligations that now had come to bind his thoughts and actions. Carefree times seemed far so away, but he yearned for them like a child for an ice cream cone. Pleasant days of the past were gone, and so was the promise of pleasant days in the future. Drawing in a shuddering breath, he managed to swallow the thickness that gathered in the base of his throat. He hoped he wasn’t going to cry again. Crying would make him even more frustrated with himself.
‘Tuti,’ he thought, lips curving into a bitter smile. Ignoring call after call left him with a short, stabbing feeling inside, but he forced himself to cope. It had been nearly a week, and he knew that anyone, especially someone with as short of an attention span as Tuti, would be frustrated to the point of no return.
‘Keep up the good work,’ he told himself glumly.
Why was he this upset? Sure he had lost something, but what, he asked himself. A new friend whom he hadn’t even known for more than a couple months? But this friend made him feel as if he could be who he once was, the cheerful kid with a brilliant smile and winning personality. A peer that let him be without feeling as if he had to act with care and caution was refreshing. It only made matters worse that he had perhaps fallen a little bit in love. Who was he kidding? He knew he had fallen a bit in love with Tuti. The warmth that the actor brought whenever he was around; the way it seemed as if he was always trying to get a laugh out of him. Maybe the little comments helped too.
“You pout better than a woman,” Tuti had once said, rolling his eyes. “And I suppose that’s a compliment, because women always get their way. But I think your smile is even better.”
Pressing his lips into a harsh, tight line and closing his eyes, he prayed that he could keep the tears at bay.
That phrase was so absolutely Tuti: random, spontaneous, and absolutely genuine. And he had let that friendship slip through his fingers. Last week, Nagayan had felt on top of the world. He had a great place to stay and friends to go out with. Kimeru had been nearly a constant in his life since they had met, but the addition of Tuti had really spiced things up. But the kiss had changed everything.
Everyday, he’d relive that moment, his own personal hell. The kiss, the look on Tuti’s face, the vomit; he winced. Those memories conjured up dark and negative emotions of self-loathing and blame.
Tuti, Tuti, Tuti was all he could think about. Thoughts of Shou had almost all but dropped from his mind.
‘Who,’ he thought with a grim smile, ‘would you think about? The guy you’ve tried hard to ignore for the past year or the guy who is still calls… The guy who still cares.’
Pretending that Tuti really cared for him in the way that Nagayan needed him to was an illusion Nagayan made for himself; he knew that much. However, it was a dangerous, dangerous train of thought that he tried to keep himself from contemplating. Instead, he forced his mind to recall the ugly memories. The kiss. The name slip. The vomit. The fact that he had been nothing short of a drunken retard.
Queasiness caused his stomach to heave and his energy to sap from his limbs. With a self-defeated sigh, he resigned himself to lying in bed for the rest of the night, like all of the nights in the past week.
Now that he thought about it, the only time he could muster the energy to go outside was when he picked Kaori up from school. Both she and Yuuki were worried about him; he could tell.
The little girl did what she always did whenever he seemed down; she imitated certain things he did when in order to cheer her up, like trying to keep him chatty with little stories. Somehow, he would be able to smile a little bit for her, but it was always temporary. He went to bed emotionally exhausted and woke up feeling no better. It was as if a weight sat on his heart, tugging it further down each minute.
Dark emotions surged through him, depression welcoming him with open arms. At a time like this, the black void looked so comforting. If he only just gave into the darkness and let it embrace him …
From his nightstand, his phone rang, distracting his attention from thoughts of dark vortexes and other such comparisons. Hesitating from his low energy state in bed, he decided to ignore it. It was either Kimeru or Tuti, and he was really in no mood to deal with either of them.
Tuti had called dozens of times in the past few days, leaving silly messages, but Nagayan knew that there was a nervous edge to Tuti’s voice. Something in his tone seemed missing; the cheer seemed too bright and a bit forced. He knew the reservations were due to questions, questions that he’d never be ready to face.
Alternately, the caller could be Kimeru, and he raised an eyebrow at the thought. At times Kimeru was harder to deal with than Tuti. To be fair, his best friend played the best friend roll well, calling and knowing something was wrong immediately. Nagayan had actually answered the first time and found it was a complete mistake. At times like this, he needed to at least be able to lie to himself. Kimeru’s quick analytical skills and brutal honesty were not things that he was prepared to endure right now.
Although Nagayan was aware that Kimeru knew him well enough to tell that something was terribly wrong, he reveled in the fact that Kimeru was currently on tour and didn’t have the necessary time to spend dealing with his emotional drama.
The phone stopped its incessant wailing, and Nagayan breathed a bit more freely once silence ensued. Focusing on the blankness surrounding him, he coaxed his mind into a humming, black void.
Another night was about to pass, and Nagayan found that he was perfectly content sitting on his bed and staring expressionlessly at the black spot on his wall. He blinked, squeezing his eyes shut with such force that his vision swam with brilliant white dots in the midst of a sea of black and red, when there was a knock on his bedroom door.
“Taka-niichan?” Kaori’s voice was hesitant on the other side of the door.
He forced himself to answer. “What is it, sweetie?”
“Can I come in?”
“Sure,” he said, shoving his blankets away and getting up.
Kaori walked in with a bright smile on her face. “This came for you in the mail!” With both hands outstretched, she held out an envelope.
Dubiously, Nagayan reached for the envelope, which was blank excluding postage. Fingers smoothed over the thick paper and discerned the hard edges of what could only be a gift card of some sort. After initially faltering due to suspicions of the contents of the envelope, he tore it open, encouraged by Kaori’s round and curious eyes. His palms were damp as he pulled out a dark green card that encased a piece of plastic. Every foreboding told him not to open it, but he couldn’t help his curiosity. With a courageous breath, trembling hands opened the letter.
“We should get coffee again sometime,” was scrawled in decisively masculine handwriting. A smiley face and barely readable signature accompanied the casual words. Shock held Nagayan captive, and he dropped the card that spoke of a renewed friendship as if it burned like acid.
Tears formed in the corners of his eyes, as he tired to hold them back with a calming breath.
Blinking once, he said, “Kaori, honey, it’s late you might want to get ready for bed.” He couldn’t let her see him cry; he wouldn’t be able to deal with her concerned questions.
“I want you to feel better.”
“I’m fine,” he said forcing a tight smile. Although she looked as if she didn’t believe him, she left the room obediently, glancing back only once to make sure he was still smiling.
Once she left, he was able to concentrate on the card in his hands. With a sad sigh, he convinced himself that all this meant that Tuti was more insistent than most people about getting his questions answered. He needed to think like this, or else his resolve would fall apart.
‘I don’t want to see how not good things can get. I’m not brave enough. I don’t want to do it again.’ The feeling of exhaustion swept through him again, making every muscle in his body ache. However, before he could get back into bed, he was suddenly aware of a whirlwind bursting in. Kimeru stood, bundled in his winter finest with arms crossed, eyes narrowed, and cheeks flushed.
“Kime?” he asked taken aback.
Cattish eyes just narrowed further as the singer strode towards him with an air of entitlement and the glimmer of battle in his eyes.
‘Geez,’ Nagayan thought guiltily, ‘he must be really worried if he stopped by just to see me. But … how is he here at this time? He’s supposed to be on tour … or is he in the middle of his tour and breaking to switch locations now?’ He couldn’t remember.
“You aren’t taking any of my calls,” Kimeru said coldly, shutting the door to Nagayan’s room behind him.
“I haven’t been feeling well,” Nagayan told him, lowering his eyes.
“What happened to you? One day you’re fine, and the next you’re moody, anti-social boy.”
“Kime, stop it. Please.” Nagayan turned his back to his friend and crawled into bed.
“It has to do with Tuti,” the singer pressed on with conviction.
Nagayan’s eyes focused on the black box he had painted on the wall as if there was something particularly interesting about it.
“Are you going to tell me what happened?” Kimeru asked, coming over and taking a seat next to Nagayan on his bed.
“Mortification.”
“Takashi, don’t shut me out. Not now.”
“I - it was awful. You have no idea.”
“What could have happened in that short of a period?” Kimeru mused observing his friend carefully. Perceptive eyes noted the large bags under Nagayan’s eyes and the pale, waxy sheen to his skin. “You’re not sleeping right, and you’ve stopped eating again, haven’t you?”
“I haven’t stopped,” Nagayan insisted stubbornly, nostrils flaring and lips tugging downward into a huffy pout. Teeth ground together as he clenched his jaw.
Kimeru caught the defiant light that flashed in Nagayan’s eyes, and although he knew he could pry the truth from his friend, he also knew his friend well enough to know that his nosiness would not be appreciated at this time. Instead, he offered his support, choosing his words carefully. “Takashi, you know I’m here for you.”
Nagayan let his breath out, the tension leaving his jaw. “Not tonight. I’m not ready to deal.”
“Whenever you’re ready.”
“Later, I promise.” He let his head drop down on Kimeru’s shoulder, the guarded look on his face ebbed slightly, harsh lines relaxing. “Could you just sit here and keep me company tonight?”
“If that’s what you need,” Kimeru reassured. Even as he put a comforting arm around his friend and watched Nagayan fall prey to slumber, the gears in his head whirled to piece together what he could from the clues he had. Eyes catching sight of a discarded envelope and green card, he pulled away from his friend when he was sure he wouldn’t be missed and reached for the items, curiosity making his retrieval swift and accurate…
-------
Kimeru waited for a cab, eyes narrowed to slits and foot tapping impatiently. He knew that there had been something terribly wrong with Nagayan, which was why he had slipped away that evening to make the trip back up to Tokyo to see what was wrong.
A growl rose from his throat, as he was beginning to realize how foolish his actions were. The wind at the end of January was still bitingly chilly, and he stood waiting outside for a cab to pick him up and take him back to Kobe.
‘Three fucking hours,’ he thought, the cold and physical fatigue quickly wearing away at his normally controlled emotional state ‘Three fucking hours until I can even get back to the hotel. And then I’m waking up to come back to Tokyo before moving northward.’ The irony wasn’t lost on him, but he wasn’t laughing, far from it.
‘Maybe I’ll call my manager and tell him I came home early because I needed something here and have him take care of my stuff back at the hotel.’ The prospect of no sleep, long car rides, and wasted time was enough to make him want to do something as reckless as letting his manager know of his irresponsibility. He hated the thought of being that kind of a star. Although he liked getting his way, he was not one to let go of social obligations … until now.
He knew that his sacrifice wouldn’t escape Nagayan’s attention once his friend returned to his normal self, and that placated him slightly.
When his cab arrived, he got in and ordered it back to his place. With a roll of his eyes, he snapped open the phone and began to make the dreaded call, when the midi to his favorite song interrupted him mid-dial.
Expecting his manager on the other end, he answered in his best pathetically tired voice. “Hello?”
“Kimeru-kun. I don’t know what to do.” The voice sounded rushed, harassed, and a bit frazzled. He recognized it immediately.
“Tuti,” he said perking brightly, his curiosity bringing him to life again. “I thought it was about time you’d call.”
“You … what?” the man on the other line asked.
“You know, about what happened between you and Takashi,” he drawled out slowly.
“He won’t talk to me.”
“So that’s why you sent the gift card,” Kimeru put in casually, testing Tuti’s reaction to his knowledge.
“It came already?” Tuti’s voice sounded dejected. “I thought he’d talk after that. It’s okay, I mean. Well, I just want to talk. I mean, we should be okay, why wouldn’t we? It’s not a big deal. I mean, I guess it kind of is. But nothing has to change.” Tuti rambled, a laugh interspersed here and there in a failing attempt to make his muddled speech seem casual.
Kimeru wanted to tell the other man to shut up but knew that it wouldn’t get him anywhere. So instead, he tried to direct the conversation elsewhere. “So, are you going to tell me what happened?”
Although he decided that the straight-forward route was the best one to deal with Tuti, he hadn’t meant to keep things quite that simple. The lack of sleep and physical fatigue was definitely affecting his ability to control himself as well as others.
“So you don’t know?” Tuti asked hesitantly, as if he was on the verge of deciding not to say anything.
“Of course I know something’s wrong,” Kimeru snapped. “I spent all night sitting by Takashi’s side. Something happened with you, and either you can tell me, or I can get him to recount it. So, why don’t you make it easier on him?” From the other line, Kimeru heard a hard swallow.
“O-okay,” Tuti said. “I … we were in the bar. He had a bit too much to drink, and he …” The sentence broke off into an uncomfortable silence.
“He what?” Kimeru prodded in a dangerous tone. “It’s late. I’m tired. And I’m in a cab when I’m supposed to be resting, because I’m in the middle of a tour. Spare me your shyness.”
There was a pause and a sigh before Tuti continued. “Okay. He had too much to drink and had fallen asleep. I tried to wake him, and … he was out of it. Hey, Kimeru, who’s Shou?”
Kimeru sucked in a breath of air sharply and leaned his head back against the seat, eyes closed in displeasure. Perhaps it was worse than he thought. “He mentioned Shou?”
“Yeah. He said his name and kissed me.”
Mentally, he let out a string of curse words. But, he responded to Tuti, “Shou was an ex. Not important.”
“I think it was kind of important. Hey, does this mean that Nagayama-kun is … well, gay?”
“Would it matter to you if he was?” Kimeru fired back, hoping to get an honest answer from Tuti by not giving the actor time to think.
“N-not particularly,” Tuti responded.
“You weren’t bothered, being kissed by another man?” Kimeru pressed on.
Now Tuti went silent, unwilling to say anything. Kimeru ran through Tuti’s words and reactions in his head, cursing the fact that it was much harder to judge people on the phone than in person. He hoped this situation was salvageable. It was more than apparent that Nagayan had feelings for Tuti. Now it was time for him to attempt to read Tuti like a book.
“Tuti!” Kimeru snapped. “I’m not wasting cell phone minutes so you can choose not to talk to me. Now, did it bother you or not?”
“I was more surprised than anything … I suppose.”
Well, that was promising.
“Kimeru-kun, please tell me how I can get in contact with Nagayama. I … there’s more I have to say. He’s not answering the phone. I doubt he’ll agree to see me if I go see him. You can get him out though. You can arrange something.”
“I could,” he said. “But why would I want to put Takashi through that turmoil if he obviously doesn’t want to see you.”
“But, I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to him, to tell him …”
“You still want to stay in contact? To be friends? You realize that he’s quite embarrassed about what happened.”
“It doesn’t have to be a big deal. It wasn’t a big deal.” The answer was short and certain.
“I think if Takashi kissed me, it would be a big deal,” Kimeru said, throwing some of his cattiness back into the conversation.
“It’s not that it wasn’t a big deal,” Tuti relented. “It’s just …”
Kimeru went on the offensive, trying to force a confession by already assuming truth to it. “You didn’t mind, did you? You liked it.”
Tuti responded with silence once more.
“Tuti, I want an answer,” he snapped in his most demanding voice.
“I was curious,” Tuti finally offered.
Kimeru measured the length of pause and the careful wording. At least the bastard was honest. “Is that what he is to you, just a curiosity?”
“No,” Tuti defended. “That sounds bad. I mean, that’s what it was at first. But now, I don’t know. It’s complicated.”
“What’s so complicated? You either like him or you don’t. Yes or no - it’s black or white.”
“I-I …” Pausing, Tuti tried to articulate the truth, although his attempt was unsuccessful.
“I’ll spare you from verbalizing what I’m pretty sure you’re thinking,” Kimeru interrupted. “I think I get the idea, but, seriously, did you think that admitting you liked another guy would throw me off? Takashi is my best friend. I’ve known him for years.”
“I-I didn’t mean to belittle that,” Tuti replied, trying to curb the harm and hopefully save himself from Kimeru’s sharp tongue.
“I just want you to be aware of how close I am with Takashi. No matter what he does, I will continue to protect him. Do you understand me, Tsuchiya-kun?” The use of Tuti’s family name was meant to hit Tuti’s subconscious with stifling formality. By the loud hiss of breath that sounded from the other side, Kimeru knew his ploy had worked.
“Yes.” The reply was oddly quiet and resounded with complete seriousness, just as Kimeru was hoping for.
“Before I tell you where to find him, you have to make sure that this is what you want to go after. No changing your mind halfway through.”
“What? I just want to talk to him about what happened.”
“If I tell you where to find him, that’s not all you’re committing to.”
“But,” Tuti protested. “I can’t be sure this is right. I don’t know what I want, what he wants…”
“Listen to me,” Kimeru cut in. “If you don’t want to, then just say no. I’ll just be very angry with you if I’m left picking up the broken pieces of his life again.”
“I don’t want to hurt him.”
“Then you’d better be damn sure you want to go through with this.”
“Is this an ultimatum?” Tuti asked, a waver in his voice.
“You bet,” Kimeru responded. “If you get off the phone now, I’ll make sure that you will never reach Takashi again. You will no longer be a part of his life, because all you’re going to do is cause further emotional scars.”
“If I try … to stay by him?”
“Then I think you have a chance to help him move on. Seriously move on. But the choice is yours, Tuti.”
“I-I can’t decide something like this in a split second. I can’t even think!”
“Then try hard, because I’m coming over,” Kimeru said with absolute conviction. It was a spur of the moment decision, but once he said it Kimeru knew it was the right one. He was much better at reading people in person, and with something as important as this he wanted to make sure that he read all of the signals correctly.
“You don’t even know where I live!” Tuti protested, panic rising in his voice.
“Oh, I know, Tsuchiya-kun. Believe me; I have my ways. You’ll be seeing me tonight.” With that, Kimeru hung up the phone and directed the cab driver to a different address. When he settled back, life sparked in his narrowed eyes, and a smirk curved his lips.
TBC
Author: kaitou_marron
Warnings/Rating: None, worksafe.
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Summary: AU. Tuti is still acting, while Nagayan’s life decisions have turned him on the road of art rather than entertainment…
Previously on Medium, the aftermath of the kiss at the bar confuses Tuti and drives Nagayan into isolation...
Notes: Previous chapters can be found [in my memories]
Much thanks to analineblue for beta-ing through the pretty and the ugly chapters...
Sorry for the slow update. Some chapters/points in my personal life are harder to write through. (However, I think after this weekend, I'll be full of fangirl energy. ^.~)
Chapter 19: Ultimatums
Backstage, Tuti grabbed a towel and dragged it sloppily across his forehead. Although it was another successful show, he was unsure how much it actually meant to him. Sure he was more than happy to accept the gifts from fans, the applause, and the good reviews, but he also needed time for himself in order to take care of personal business. He sagged back against his chair. The show was more than halfway through its run, and he couldn’t be more grateful. His eyes automatically turned to the clock. It wasn’t too late. And just like every day for the past few days, he picked up his cell phone and pulled up Nagayan’s number.
‘One, two, three, four, five …’ he counted impatiently, knowing very well what was coming next. It clicked over to a prerecorded message.
“Hi, you’ve reached Nagayama Takashi. I can’t come to the phone right now-”
Tuti snapped his phone shut in frustration. For six days, all he got was Nagayan’s stupid voice mail message.
‘Well, that’s not quite true,’ he thought, reflectively. There was the brief message he had received from Nagayan a couple days ago during the show.
“Hey, Tuti. Sorry I haven’t been around much. I’ve sort of been busy. Maybe I’ll catch you later.” That was all he had gotten - a short, rushed, unsatisfying message that told him absolutely nothing.
‘Bullshit,’ he thought, forehead puckering sourly. The words that Nagayan had chosen to use were dodgy and indefinite at best. ‘Sort of busy. Maybe … later,’ he quipped derisively. He really hated that “maybe.”
Slamming his cell phone against his desk space, he let out an exaggerated sigh. ‘Four more days, and I can go see what’s wrong with him. I can force him to see me.’
So far he hadn’t had the time to do anything much more than call, what with his obligations to the play. He had indulged his impulse and sent a small gift to Nagayan’s apartment in attempt to smooth things over, but he couldn’t be sure that the artist had received it or hadn’t just discarded it, like he had so many other times.
He could understand why Nagayan was being elusive in the wake of their kiss, but he had a million questions too - specifically, whether Nagayan had a boyfriend or not. He also wanted to reassure Nagayan that he was fine with the kiss, although telling Nagayan that he was more than fine with the kiss depended on how Nagayan responded to his questions.
These emotions were still relatively new to him, and there were still moments when he was shocked by his discovery of having romantic inclinations towards Nagayan.
‘I’m gay … so no wonder all of those other relationships didn’t work out before.’ Sometimes his thoughts were wryly accepting, while at other times, he tried to deny the fact that he could be attracted to members of the same sex. Was this really something he would be able to accept about himself? One moment he felt one way, while the next moment, he had the exact opposite view. He was one to deal with his problems head-on without reservation, but it was impossible with Nagayan treating him no better than a stranger. The feeling was demoralizing and ignored efforts wore on him to the point that he was emotionally exhausted.
‘I don’t know what else to do,’ he thought mournfully, surveying his tired appearance in the mirror. His skin looked pinched, the color sallow, and his usually lively eyes looked dull. The shows were draining him physically, and Nagayan was draining him emotionally.
‘I don’t know how much more of this I can take.’ Helplessly, he let his head drop to the desk.
-------
Several of days had passed since the drunken kiss at the bar, but Nagayan remained in a reclusive state. He sat in bed and stared listlessly at his toes. A sketchpad was discarded at the side of his bed, and his lap was filled with eraser shavings. He couldn’t even focus his emotional frustrations via his artwork anymore. Everything he drew was crap, crap, crap. Instead of having the beautiful flow he was known for, his sketches looked as disturbed as his emotional state.
Letting his head fall back, he winced as the back of it hit the headboard. He was so useless. For six days, he had been useless, unable to draw or help around the house.
‘Kiss … Tuti …’ he thought, raking a hand through his hair. He grasped at the locks angrily. ‘My secret’s out. He knows … about me. Nobody needs to know that. It’s private; things like that aren’t supposed to be shared.’ He was more aware of privacy than most people, but it was part of who he was. However, it was something that made him feel like an outsider. He feared that the information would get out and that others would treat him differently. How could he hope that others, even Tuti, would understand? He treated himself differently since his discovery.
He had long suspected where his own interests were long before he was forced to come to terms with them, but one guy had made him absolutely sure of it. He ached for days past, when he didn’t fully understand the idea of social obligations, social obligations that now had come to bind his thoughts and actions. Carefree times seemed far so away, but he yearned for them like a child for an ice cream cone. Pleasant days of the past were gone, and so was the promise of pleasant days in the future. Drawing in a shuddering breath, he managed to swallow the thickness that gathered in the base of his throat. He hoped he wasn’t going to cry again. Crying would make him even more frustrated with himself.
‘Tuti,’ he thought, lips curving into a bitter smile. Ignoring call after call left him with a short, stabbing feeling inside, but he forced himself to cope. It had been nearly a week, and he knew that anyone, especially someone with as short of an attention span as Tuti, would be frustrated to the point of no return.
‘Keep up the good work,’ he told himself glumly.
Why was he this upset? Sure he had lost something, but what, he asked himself. A new friend whom he hadn’t even known for more than a couple months? But this friend made him feel as if he could be who he once was, the cheerful kid with a brilliant smile and winning personality. A peer that let him be without feeling as if he had to act with care and caution was refreshing. It only made matters worse that he had perhaps fallen a little bit in love. Who was he kidding? He knew he had fallen a bit in love with Tuti. The warmth that the actor brought whenever he was around; the way it seemed as if he was always trying to get a laugh out of him. Maybe the little comments helped too.
“You pout better than a woman,” Tuti had once said, rolling his eyes. “And I suppose that’s a compliment, because women always get their way. But I think your smile is even better.”
Pressing his lips into a harsh, tight line and closing his eyes, he prayed that he could keep the tears at bay.
That phrase was so absolutely Tuti: random, spontaneous, and absolutely genuine. And he had let that friendship slip through his fingers. Last week, Nagayan had felt on top of the world. He had a great place to stay and friends to go out with. Kimeru had been nearly a constant in his life since they had met, but the addition of Tuti had really spiced things up. But the kiss had changed everything.
Everyday, he’d relive that moment, his own personal hell. The kiss, the look on Tuti’s face, the vomit; he winced. Those memories conjured up dark and negative emotions of self-loathing and blame.
Tuti, Tuti, Tuti was all he could think about. Thoughts of Shou had almost all but dropped from his mind.
‘Who,’ he thought with a grim smile, ‘would you think about? The guy you’ve tried hard to ignore for the past year or the guy who is still calls… The guy who still cares.’
Pretending that Tuti really cared for him in the way that Nagayan needed him to was an illusion Nagayan made for himself; he knew that much. However, it was a dangerous, dangerous train of thought that he tried to keep himself from contemplating. Instead, he forced his mind to recall the ugly memories. The kiss. The name slip. The vomit. The fact that he had been nothing short of a drunken retard.
Queasiness caused his stomach to heave and his energy to sap from his limbs. With a self-defeated sigh, he resigned himself to lying in bed for the rest of the night, like all of the nights in the past week.
Now that he thought about it, the only time he could muster the energy to go outside was when he picked Kaori up from school. Both she and Yuuki were worried about him; he could tell.
The little girl did what she always did whenever he seemed down; she imitated certain things he did when in order to cheer her up, like trying to keep him chatty with little stories. Somehow, he would be able to smile a little bit for her, but it was always temporary. He went to bed emotionally exhausted and woke up feeling no better. It was as if a weight sat on his heart, tugging it further down each minute.
Dark emotions surged through him, depression welcoming him with open arms. At a time like this, the black void looked so comforting. If he only just gave into the darkness and let it embrace him …
From his nightstand, his phone rang, distracting his attention from thoughts of dark vortexes and other such comparisons. Hesitating from his low energy state in bed, he decided to ignore it. It was either Kimeru or Tuti, and he was really in no mood to deal with either of them.
Tuti had called dozens of times in the past few days, leaving silly messages, but Nagayan knew that there was a nervous edge to Tuti’s voice. Something in his tone seemed missing; the cheer seemed too bright and a bit forced. He knew the reservations were due to questions, questions that he’d never be ready to face.
Alternately, the caller could be Kimeru, and he raised an eyebrow at the thought. At times Kimeru was harder to deal with than Tuti. To be fair, his best friend played the best friend roll well, calling and knowing something was wrong immediately. Nagayan had actually answered the first time and found it was a complete mistake. At times like this, he needed to at least be able to lie to himself. Kimeru’s quick analytical skills and brutal honesty were not things that he was prepared to endure right now.
Although Nagayan was aware that Kimeru knew him well enough to tell that something was terribly wrong, he reveled in the fact that Kimeru was currently on tour and didn’t have the necessary time to spend dealing with his emotional drama.
The phone stopped its incessant wailing, and Nagayan breathed a bit more freely once silence ensued. Focusing on the blankness surrounding him, he coaxed his mind into a humming, black void.
Another night was about to pass, and Nagayan found that he was perfectly content sitting on his bed and staring expressionlessly at the black spot on his wall. He blinked, squeezing his eyes shut with such force that his vision swam with brilliant white dots in the midst of a sea of black and red, when there was a knock on his bedroom door.
“Taka-niichan?” Kaori’s voice was hesitant on the other side of the door.
He forced himself to answer. “What is it, sweetie?”
“Can I come in?”
“Sure,” he said, shoving his blankets away and getting up.
Kaori walked in with a bright smile on her face. “This came for you in the mail!” With both hands outstretched, she held out an envelope.
Dubiously, Nagayan reached for the envelope, which was blank excluding postage. Fingers smoothed over the thick paper and discerned the hard edges of what could only be a gift card of some sort. After initially faltering due to suspicions of the contents of the envelope, he tore it open, encouraged by Kaori’s round and curious eyes. His palms were damp as he pulled out a dark green card that encased a piece of plastic. Every foreboding told him not to open it, but he couldn’t help his curiosity. With a courageous breath, trembling hands opened the letter.
“We should get coffee again sometime,” was scrawled in decisively masculine handwriting. A smiley face and barely readable signature accompanied the casual words. Shock held Nagayan captive, and he dropped the card that spoke of a renewed friendship as if it burned like acid.
Tears formed in the corners of his eyes, as he tired to hold them back with a calming breath.
Blinking once, he said, “Kaori, honey, it’s late you might want to get ready for bed.” He couldn’t let her see him cry; he wouldn’t be able to deal with her concerned questions.
“I want you to feel better.”
“I’m fine,” he said forcing a tight smile. Although she looked as if she didn’t believe him, she left the room obediently, glancing back only once to make sure he was still smiling.
Once she left, he was able to concentrate on the card in his hands. With a sad sigh, he convinced himself that all this meant that Tuti was more insistent than most people about getting his questions answered. He needed to think like this, or else his resolve would fall apart.
‘I don’t want to see how not good things can get. I’m not brave enough. I don’t want to do it again.’ The feeling of exhaustion swept through him again, making every muscle in his body ache. However, before he could get back into bed, he was suddenly aware of a whirlwind bursting in. Kimeru stood, bundled in his winter finest with arms crossed, eyes narrowed, and cheeks flushed.
“Kime?” he asked taken aback.
Cattish eyes just narrowed further as the singer strode towards him with an air of entitlement and the glimmer of battle in his eyes.
‘Geez,’ Nagayan thought guiltily, ‘he must be really worried if he stopped by just to see me. But … how is he here at this time? He’s supposed to be on tour … or is he in the middle of his tour and breaking to switch locations now?’ He couldn’t remember.
“You aren’t taking any of my calls,” Kimeru said coldly, shutting the door to Nagayan’s room behind him.
“I haven’t been feeling well,” Nagayan told him, lowering his eyes.
“What happened to you? One day you’re fine, and the next you’re moody, anti-social boy.”
“Kime, stop it. Please.” Nagayan turned his back to his friend and crawled into bed.
“It has to do with Tuti,” the singer pressed on with conviction.
Nagayan’s eyes focused on the black box he had painted on the wall as if there was something particularly interesting about it.
“Are you going to tell me what happened?” Kimeru asked, coming over and taking a seat next to Nagayan on his bed.
“Mortification.”
“Takashi, don’t shut me out. Not now.”
“I - it was awful. You have no idea.”
“What could have happened in that short of a period?” Kimeru mused observing his friend carefully. Perceptive eyes noted the large bags under Nagayan’s eyes and the pale, waxy sheen to his skin. “You’re not sleeping right, and you’ve stopped eating again, haven’t you?”
“I haven’t stopped,” Nagayan insisted stubbornly, nostrils flaring and lips tugging downward into a huffy pout. Teeth ground together as he clenched his jaw.
Kimeru caught the defiant light that flashed in Nagayan’s eyes, and although he knew he could pry the truth from his friend, he also knew his friend well enough to know that his nosiness would not be appreciated at this time. Instead, he offered his support, choosing his words carefully. “Takashi, you know I’m here for you.”
Nagayan let his breath out, the tension leaving his jaw. “Not tonight. I’m not ready to deal.”
“Whenever you’re ready.”
“Later, I promise.” He let his head drop down on Kimeru’s shoulder, the guarded look on his face ebbed slightly, harsh lines relaxing. “Could you just sit here and keep me company tonight?”
“If that’s what you need,” Kimeru reassured. Even as he put a comforting arm around his friend and watched Nagayan fall prey to slumber, the gears in his head whirled to piece together what he could from the clues he had. Eyes catching sight of a discarded envelope and green card, he pulled away from his friend when he was sure he wouldn’t be missed and reached for the items, curiosity making his retrieval swift and accurate…
-------
Kimeru waited for a cab, eyes narrowed to slits and foot tapping impatiently. He knew that there had been something terribly wrong with Nagayan, which was why he had slipped away that evening to make the trip back up to Tokyo to see what was wrong.
A growl rose from his throat, as he was beginning to realize how foolish his actions were. The wind at the end of January was still bitingly chilly, and he stood waiting outside for a cab to pick him up and take him back to Kobe.
‘Three fucking hours,’ he thought, the cold and physical fatigue quickly wearing away at his normally controlled emotional state ‘Three fucking hours until I can even get back to the hotel. And then I’m waking up to come back to Tokyo before moving northward.’ The irony wasn’t lost on him, but he wasn’t laughing, far from it.
‘Maybe I’ll call my manager and tell him I came home early because I needed something here and have him take care of my stuff back at the hotel.’ The prospect of no sleep, long car rides, and wasted time was enough to make him want to do something as reckless as letting his manager know of his irresponsibility. He hated the thought of being that kind of a star. Although he liked getting his way, he was not one to let go of social obligations … until now.
He knew that his sacrifice wouldn’t escape Nagayan’s attention once his friend returned to his normal self, and that placated him slightly.
When his cab arrived, he got in and ordered it back to his place. With a roll of his eyes, he snapped open the phone and began to make the dreaded call, when the midi to his favorite song interrupted him mid-dial.
Expecting his manager on the other end, he answered in his best pathetically tired voice. “Hello?”
“Kimeru-kun. I don’t know what to do.” The voice sounded rushed, harassed, and a bit frazzled. He recognized it immediately.
“Tuti,” he said perking brightly, his curiosity bringing him to life again. “I thought it was about time you’d call.”
“You … what?” the man on the other line asked.
“You know, about what happened between you and Takashi,” he drawled out slowly.
“He won’t talk to me.”
“So that’s why you sent the gift card,” Kimeru put in casually, testing Tuti’s reaction to his knowledge.
“It came already?” Tuti’s voice sounded dejected. “I thought he’d talk after that. It’s okay, I mean. Well, I just want to talk. I mean, we should be okay, why wouldn’t we? It’s not a big deal. I mean, I guess it kind of is. But nothing has to change.” Tuti rambled, a laugh interspersed here and there in a failing attempt to make his muddled speech seem casual.
Kimeru wanted to tell the other man to shut up but knew that it wouldn’t get him anywhere. So instead, he tried to direct the conversation elsewhere. “So, are you going to tell me what happened?”
Although he decided that the straight-forward route was the best one to deal with Tuti, he hadn’t meant to keep things quite that simple. The lack of sleep and physical fatigue was definitely affecting his ability to control himself as well as others.
“So you don’t know?” Tuti asked hesitantly, as if he was on the verge of deciding not to say anything.
“Of course I know something’s wrong,” Kimeru snapped. “I spent all night sitting by Takashi’s side. Something happened with you, and either you can tell me, or I can get him to recount it. So, why don’t you make it easier on him?” From the other line, Kimeru heard a hard swallow.
“O-okay,” Tuti said. “I … we were in the bar. He had a bit too much to drink, and he …” The sentence broke off into an uncomfortable silence.
“He what?” Kimeru prodded in a dangerous tone. “It’s late. I’m tired. And I’m in a cab when I’m supposed to be resting, because I’m in the middle of a tour. Spare me your shyness.”
There was a pause and a sigh before Tuti continued. “Okay. He had too much to drink and had fallen asleep. I tried to wake him, and … he was out of it. Hey, Kimeru, who’s Shou?”
Kimeru sucked in a breath of air sharply and leaned his head back against the seat, eyes closed in displeasure. Perhaps it was worse than he thought. “He mentioned Shou?”
“Yeah. He said his name and kissed me.”
Mentally, he let out a string of curse words. But, he responded to Tuti, “Shou was an ex. Not important.”
“I think it was kind of important. Hey, does this mean that Nagayama-kun is … well, gay?”
“Would it matter to you if he was?” Kimeru fired back, hoping to get an honest answer from Tuti by not giving the actor time to think.
“N-not particularly,” Tuti responded.
“You weren’t bothered, being kissed by another man?” Kimeru pressed on.
Now Tuti went silent, unwilling to say anything. Kimeru ran through Tuti’s words and reactions in his head, cursing the fact that it was much harder to judge people on the phone than in person. He hoped this situation was salvageable. It was more than apparent that Nagayan had feelings for Tuti. Now it was time for him to attempt to read Tuti like a book.
“Tuti!” Kimeru snapped. “I’m not wasting cell phone minutes so you can choose not to talk to me. Now, did it bother you or not?”
“I was more surprised than anything … I suppose.”
Well, that was promising.
“Kimeru-kun, please tell me how I can get in contact with Nagayama. I … there’s more I have to say. He’s not answering the phone. I doubt he’ll agree to see me if I go see him. You can get him out though. You can arrange something.”
“I could,” he said. “But why would I want to put Takashi through that turmoil if he obviously doesn’t want to see you.”
“But, I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to him, to tell him …”
“You still want to stay in contact? To be friends? You realize that he’s quite embarrassed about what happened.”
“It doesn’t have to be a big deal. It wasn’t a big deal.” The answer was short and certain.
“I think if Takashi kissed me, it would be a big deal,” Kimeru said, throwing some of his cattiness back into the conversation.
“It’s not that it wasn’t a big deal,” Tuti relented. “It’s just …”
Kimeru went on the offensive, trying to force a confession by already assuming truth to it. “You didn’t mind, did you? You liked it.”
Tuti responded with silence once more.
“Tuti, I want an answer,” he snapped in his most demanding voice.
“I was curious,” Tuti finally offered.
Kimeru measured the length of pause and the careful wording. At least the bastard was honest. “Is that what he is to you, just a curiosity?”
“No,” Tuti defended. “That sounds bad. I mean, that’s what it was at first. But now, I don’t know. It’s complicated.”
“What’s so complicated? You either like him or you don’t. Yes or no - it’s black or white.”
“I-I …” Pausing, Tuti tried to articulate the truth, although his attempt was unsuccessful.
“I’ll spare you from verbalizing what I’m pretty sure you’re thinking,” Kimeru interrupted. “I think I get the idea, but, seriously, did you think that admitting you liked another guy would throw me off? Takashi is my best friend. I’ve known him for years.”
“I-I didn’t mean to belittle that,” Tuti replied, trying to curb the harm and hopefully save himself from Kimeru’s sharp tongue.
“I just want you to be aware of how close I am with Takashi. No matter what he does, I will continue to protect him. Do you understand me, Tsuchiya-kun?” The use of Tuti’s family name was meant to hit Tuti’s subconscious with stifling formality. By the loud hiss of breath that sounded from the other side, Kimeru knew his ploy had worked.
“Yes.” The reply was oddly quiet and resounded with complete seriousness, just as Kimeru was hoping for.
“Before I tell you where to find him, you have to make sure that this is what you want to go after. No changing your mind halfway through.”
“What? I just want to talk to him about what happened.”
“If I tell you where to find him, that’s not all you’re committing to.”
“But,” Tuti protested. “I can’t be sure this is right. I don’t know what I want, what he wants…”
“Listen to me,” Kimeru cut in. “If you don’t want to, then just say no. I’ll just be very angry with you if I’m left picking up the broken pieces of his life again.”
“I don’t want to hurt him.”
“Then you’d better be damn sure you want to go through with this.”
“Is this an ultimatum?” Tuti asked, a waver in his voice.
“You bet,” Kimeru responded. “If you get off the phone now, I’ll make sure that you will never reach Takashi again. You will no longer be a part of his life, because all you’re going to do is cause further emotional scars.”
“If I try … to stay by him?”
“Then I think you have a chance to help him move on. Seriously move on. But the choice is yours, Tuti.”
“I-I can’t decide something like this in a split second. I can’t even think!”
“Then try hard, because I’m coming over,” Kimeru said with absolute conviction. It was a spur of the moment decision, but once he said it Kimeru knew it was the right one. He was much better at reading people in person, and with something as important as this he wanted to make sure that he read all of the signals correctly.
“You don’t even know where I live!” Tuti protested, panic rising in his voice.
“Oh, I know, Tsuchiya-kun. Believe me; I have my ways. You’ll be seeing me tonight.” With that, Kimeru hung up the phone and directed the cab driver to a different address. When he settled back, life sparked in his narrowed eyes, and a smirk curved his lips.
TBC