Stuck in the waiting room that is my life- or my doctor's office...
These past few weeks have been a little rough on me. I know that’s all in perspective, because there are people out there who have it a lot worse than I do, but let me run this down for you. I guess I’ll preface it with the “I’m okay, I have a great life, and I’m generally happy” that’s there just to make sure I don’t get comments that say things like “It’s okay, you’ll overcome this” or “I think that when you put it in perspective blah blah blah blah you’ll see that everything is generally okay.” I don’t need a pep talk, I really just need to write and also, let you guys know what’s going on since I’ve made a “life transition” a.k.a. got a real job.
So, before oh let’s say 3 weeks ago, I hadn’t been to the doctor’s office since 2007, or at least that’s what my medical records said. I called because my sinuses were acting all sorts of crazy, and my ear started to really hurt so it seemed like a good idea to get that checked out. I don’t generally go to the doctor’s, not because I’m afraid of it, but mostly because I see it as a last resort. If I’ve got my shit sorted out correctly I should be able to handle most small sicknesses, diseases, or infections with my own immune system. And not to brag, but my immune system is pretty kick ass, if I do say so myself. So, I asked for my regular doc, but got some dude who I’ve never seen before. I was all whatevs, because I honestly just needed to get some antibiotics in my system to clear the shit behind my nose up.
All of that went okay, and I thought I was past all this shit. Let’s fast forward one and a half weeks to when I wake up with a sore throat and some congestion. “Well, fuck,” I say to myself, “I guess I better take some decongestants and drink some tea. That should make this all better.” Oh, and on top of that I was supposed to start my new job the next day. When things only got worse, I finally gave in and went back to my doctor, this time demanding I see my regular doctor, only to be told by her when I got there that the other dude was my regular doctor.
Kay, I don’t think so, because I have never seen that man before last week, and I know that I was seeing you before that. Anyway, she took a look at my throat and in my ears, because they were killing me, and said “Well, shit Dana, your tonsils are the biggest I’ve ever seen. Fuck, look at all that pus just hanging on to them. I’ve never seen anything so gross before in my whole life, this takes the cake. You sure know how to get sick.” Okay, she may not have said it just like that, but I was delirious with pain so that’s what it sounded like. To make a long story short, she put me on a shit load of drugs, steroids and antibiotics. After learning that these aren’t the same ‘roids that would make me ripped and turn me into a man woman, I was all ok, but these better make me better because I just can’t continue like this. She said, and I swear this is a direct quote “Oh those steroids will fix your tonsils really quickly, in about 2 days or so.” THAT WAS A LIE. She also said that she would have the results of my strep culture by Friday, which was also a lie.
A few days later I’m sitting around feeling sorry for myself, and I look at my throat in the mirror. Much to my chagrin my tonsils were quite literally THE SIZE OF PING PONG BALLS. I call of the doc because I’m not really feeling better and they’re all, oh it’s going to take about two weeks for your tonsillitis to clear up. 2 WEEKS? EXCUSE ME? The nice lady doctor told me 2 days, now it’s 2 weeks? Oh and then I’m pretty sure they mumbled something like “you’re also going to react badly with the antibiotics because we misdiagnosed you and it’s viral forreals, not an infection.”
So, I wake up on Wednesday and my vag is all angry at me because I’m on so many drugs and it just can’t take it any more. It sent me a memo saying “Listen, if you don’t clear this situation with all the drugs taking away my good stuff, I’m going to jettison myself right out of here, and you are going to look hella awkward with a missing spot where your vagina used to be.” So, I’m all “okay okay, I’ll deal with it.” Then Thursday, and pretty much every day after that until now, my skin decided to follow suit saying “As the largest organ within your body, we would like to inform you that we are not amused with all the drugs you are taking and are going to retaliate until we get our way. Thank you for your time.” After panicking about my body falling apart, because I’ve honestly never had this many problems within this short amount of time, I called up the office again, and they were like “Orly? I guess that sounds like a problem. Um, let us call you back.” So, I’m told to stop taking the antibiotics I’m a day away from being done, and now take 5 more days of steroids. WHAT A RELIEF!
So, at the moment, I’m a day away from being done what I hope is the last of the drugs I have to take, and I’m super anxious for some new problem to arise and say, “Hey, just in case you thought this was bad enough, here is lupus” or some shit. I almost cried in AG’s bed last night because I thought I was getting my period, a week after already having it. I don’t think I’ve ever been on so many drugs in such a short time. I keep saying to myself, this is really just funny, and next week I’m going to look back on this and crack up. IF I SURVIVE THAT LONG.
On the plus side, this illness that I’ve had has made me look like a hero at work.
So, before oh let’s say 3 weeks ago, I hadn’t been to the doctor’s office since 2007, or at least that’s what my medical records said. I called because my sinuses were acting all sorts of crazy, and my ear started to really hurt so it seemed like a good idea to get that checked out. I don’t generally go to the doctor’s, not because I’m afraid of it, but mostly because I see it as a last resort. If I’ve got my shit sorted out correctly I should be able to handle most small sicknesses, diseases, or infections with my own immune system. And not to brag, but my immune system is pretty kick ass, if I do say so myself. So, I asked for my regular doc, but got some dude who I’ve never seen before. I was all whatevs, because I honestly just needed to get some antibiotics in my system to clear the shit behind my nose up.
All of that went okay, and I thought I was past all this shit. Let’s fast forward one and a half weeks to when I wake up with a sore throat and some congestion. “Well, fuck,” I say to myself, “I guess I better take some decongestants and drink some tea. That should make this all better.” Oh, and on top of that I was supposed to start my new job the next day. When things only got worse, I finally gave in and went back to my doctor, this time demanding I see my regular doctor, only to be told by her when I got there that the other dude was my regular doctor.
Kay, I don’t think so, because I have never seen that man before last week, and I know that I was seeing you before that. Anyway, she took a look at my throat and in my ears, because they were killing me, and said “Well, shit Dana, your tonsils are the biggest I’ve ever seen. Fuck, look at all that pus just hanging on to them. I’ve never seen anything so gross before in my whole life, this takes the cake. You sure know how to get sick.” Okay, she may not have said it just like that, but I was delirious with pain so that’s what it sounded like. To make a long story short, she put me on a shit load of drugs, steroids and antibiotics. After learning that these aren’t the same ‘roids that would make me ripped and turn me into a man woman, I was all ok, but these better make me better because I just can’t continue like this. She said, and I swear this is a direct quote “Oh those steroids will fix your tonsils really quickly, in about 2 days or so.” THAT WAS A LIE. She also said that she would have the results of my strep culture by Friday, which was also a lie.
A few days later I’m sitting around feeling sorry for myself, and I look at my throat in the mirror. Much to my chagrin my tonsils were quite literally THE SIZE OF PING PONG BALLS. I call of the doc because I’m not really feeling better and they’re all, oh it’s going to take about two weeks for your tonsillitis to clear up. 2 WEEKS? EXCUSE ME? The nice lady doctor told me 2 days, now it’s 2 weeks? Oh and then I’m pretty sure they mumbled something like “you’re also going to react badly with the antibiotics because we misdiagnosed you and it’s viral forreals, not an infection.”
So, I wake up on Wednesday and my vag is all angry at me because I’m on so many drugs and it just can’t take it any more. It sent me a memo saying “Listen, if you don’t clear this situation with all the drugs taking away my good stuff, I’m going to jettison myself right out of here, and you are going to look hella awkward with a missing spot where your vagina used to be.” So, I’m all “okay okay, I’ll deal with it.” Then Thursday, and pretty much every day after that until now, my skin decided to follow suit saying “As the largest organ within your body, we would like to inform you that we are not amused with all the drugs you are taking and are going to retaliate until we get our way. Thank you for your time.” After panicking about my body falling apart, because I’ve honestly never had this many problems within this short amount of time, I called up the office again, and they were like “Orly? I guess that sounds like a problem. Um, let us call you back.” So, I’m told to stop taking the antibiotics I’m a day away from being done, and now take 5 more days of steroids. WHAT A RELIEF!
So, at the moment, I’m a day away from being done what I hope is the last of the drugs I have to take, and I’m super anxious for some new problem to arise and say, “Hey, just in case you thought this was bad enough, here is lupus” or some shit. I almost cried in AG’s bed last night because I thought I was getting my period, a week after already having it. I don’t think I’ve ever been on so many drugs in such a short time. I keep saying to myself, this is really just funny, and next week I’m going to look back on this and crack up. IF I SURVIVE THAT LONG.
On the plus side, this illness that I’ve had has made me look like a hero at work.