Deep in the heart of Texas
I recently went to Texas with AG. It was for his step-sister’s bat mitzvah and to meet his family down there. Before I get into the nitty gritty stuff, I’ll preface it all by saying, what I saw of his family was pretty awesome. His father is nice and funny, his step-mom is hilarious. The rest of his family was very welcoming to me, and invited me to future events. Which is where, in my weird little mind, all of my internal alarms went off.
If you don’t know me, or didn’t read this post, you should know that I’ve been burnt before by having commitment given to me in abundance. On the surface. So, when I started hearing all of these people inviting me to future events, I panicked, because my mind automatically assumes that it wont last that long. Because I like to prepare myself for the worst? I don’t know.
I don’t think it made matters any better when I was talking to his cousin about how recently a lot of people I graduated with were getting married and she thought he looked a little freaked out. And later he said something to me along the lines of “I think what Erica has planned, you know, just living life and not looking to settle down right away is a good idea.” Yeah, that helped my little paranoia about the relationship.
So, there I was, in the midst of his huge extended family, feeling like I was reliving things with Jon, and thus considering all the possible train wrecks that came with that.
I really like this guy. I mean really like him. He is so nice and attentive and funny, and generally an all around great guy. I don’t think I want it to end any time soon if at all, but there is some barrier in my brain (or my heart hur hur) keeping me from expressing some of these feelings and even how grateful I am for him to just be around. I mean he called me on my shit and somehow I ended up telling him all about Jon and all about my communication problems, a wonderful gift from my father. He listened and it truly felt like he was listening, which was very refreshing because I often feel like I don’t get listened to(something that stems from my mom).
He also said he was doing something with me that he hasn’t done with anyone else: put everything out there. What I interpreted that to mean is that he’s trying not to hide things from me. He’s trying to be open about his stuff and trusting me in that sense. All I have to do is trust him back. When I’m ready. Which could be tomorrow or it could be when hell freezes over. Who really can tell with these things. I guess it’s just a process. One that moves slower than a drug induced wallaby in a poppy field. And probably that retarded looking too.
So, let’s take a trip a little further back in the past than the Texas trip. Not super far back. We aren’t looking to analyze where my emotional communication problems have stemmed from. That’s for my regressed memories to know, and possibly a future therapist. We’re just heading a few days before the trip, during some AG and me time late at night. Now, if you have read the previous post you would know that my body has not been in the best sitch for the past month. All this did for the two of us was really build up sexual tension, since previous to that I was in no condition for anything more than a brief hug. With a hazmat suit on. Anyway, needless to say it was like two horny teens who barely had any idea how to use their things much less have firework type sex. That’s not the point though. The point that I’m trying to get to, while reliving the moment is when he gasped/grunted (I’m not too sure what to actually call it) “I love you.”
Now, before anyone says, “Awwww, way to go, that’s great, blah blah blah.,” I just want to say that 1. we had/have been dancing around that for a while, I guess since we both kind of say things that kind of allude to it, but never actually speak those words. The conversations go something like this:
AG: Well, I was getting e-mails from my dad and Amy today, and then he called me to tell me he was coming up. Then my sister has been calling me and trying to get me to come down and see you. I feel like I just don’t have the time to do it all.
Me: I don’t get calls or e-mails like that because nobody loves me.
AG: That’s not true. Everybody loves you.
Me: Well, I am just so damn lovable.
AG: Yeah you are.
And then we’re all about telling each other that we love different things about each other. I would share these conversations, buuuut that’s a little too graphic and there are kids on these interwebs. So that’s that. 2. When he said that I think my brain stopped everything physical from working to try and process what just happened. Now, this is definitely a girl thing because I cannot fathom a man stopping himself mid stride to try and figure out if the girl talking dirty underneath him is really serious about her letting him blow his load all over her body. No, no, I’m pretty sure he thinks that’s pretty damn hot and just keeps on trucking. So I kind of froze and was having this mental inquisition with myself. Now, why I question myself so much when things like this happen, when I clearly cannot answer any of the questions, is beyond me. So, when my brain kind of realized how awkward it is to just be hovering and not doing anything, during a time when if you aren’t moving, you probably aren’t enjoying yourself, I had this “Oh, shit” moment and then kissed him.
I said absolutely nothing. I didn’t know what I should say. I mean what if he didn’t say it? What if he said something after and I just didn’t hear it? And most importantly, does it even count during sex? That’s like when you find dad in the middle of fixing the car and ask him if you can go to Atlantic City for a week, during school, with some people you kind of know from high school, and he says sure just so you stop talking to him while he’s doing something important. I would say mom’s do that too, but I really think it might just be my mom, and not because she’s really concentrating on something super hard, but just because she can’t really focus on anything outside of her life unless it intersects with it. I could seriously tell her I got a job as a hooker and she would turn to me three weeks later and ask me why I sleep all day and smell like cheap hotel rooms.
I talked about it with a friend, and she thought that I shouldn’t worry about it, because it will be said again, if, you know, it’s that time, or some bullshit. Oh yeah, that’s easy for you to say because you aren’t in a situation where you might not have said I love you back to a guy. And then also you forgot that he wanted to do something special for your 3 monthaversary.
Yeah. I know. That’s what I thought too when he said it to me the first time. I’m pretty sure I forgot, and it was less forgetting and more just passing it off, because I thought it was just a joke. An acknowledgement that we’ve been together for three months, but a joke as well. Well, as I looked at his sad little face when I laughed it off on the airplane, my heart almost broke. Seriously. I don’t think I had ever felt so bad about something in my entire life. And I have done some shitty things in my time. For example, I made out with a guy twice, and forgot his name both times. And he found out both times. But I didn’t feel bad about that. AG just looked so hurt when I told him he was full of it when he asked if we were still going out for dinner the following Friday. And then he showed me his phone date book, which had “3 months with dana! : )” I swear that’s what it looked like.
I think it was this point that I realized I had never been in a normal relationship before. You know, one that actually celebrated the small milestones in life, and proved that the two of you actually cared for each other. It’s also when I realized that I was in a lot deeper than had thought. It’s just getting to that point where I can tell him that and not be all dur dur dur.
If you don’t know me, or didn’t read this post, you should know that I’ve been burnt before by having commitment given to me in abundance. On the surface. So, when I started hearing all of these people inviting me to future events, I panicked, because my mind automatically assumes that it wont last that long. Because I like to prepare myself for the worst? I don’t know.
I don’t think it made matters any better when I was talking to his cousin about how recently a lot of people I graduated with were getting married and she thought he looked a little freaked out. And later he said something to me along the lines of “I think what Erica has planned, you know, just living life and not looking to settle down right away is a good idea.” Yeah, that helped my little paranoia about the relationship.
So, there I was, in the midst of his huge extended family, feeling like I was reliving things with Jon, and thus considering all the possible train wrecks that came with that.
I really like this guy. I mean really like him. He is so nice and attentive and funny, and generally an all around great guy. I don’t think I want it to end any time soon if at all, but there is some barrier in my brain (or my heart hur hur) keeping me from expressing some of these feelings and even how grateful I am for him to just be around. I mean he called me on my shit and somehow I ended up telling him all about Jon and all about my communication problems, a wonderful gift from my father. He listened and it truly felt like he was listening, which was very refreshing because I often feel like I don’t get listened to(something that stems from my mom).
He also said he was doing something with me that he hasn’t done with anyone else: put everything out there. What I interpreted that to mean is that he’s trying not to hide things from me. He’s trying to be open about his stuff and trusting me in that sense. All I have to do is trust him back. When I’m ready. Which could be tomorrow or it could be when hell freezes over. Who really can tell with these things. I guess it’s just a process. One that moves slower than a drug induced wallaby in a poppy field. And probably that retarded looking too.
So, let’s take a trip a little further back in the past than the Texas trip. Not super far back. We aren’t looking to analyze where my emotional communication problems have stemmed from. That’s for my regressed memories to know, and possibly a future therapist. We’re just heading a few days before the trip, during some AG and me time late at night. Now, if you have read the previous post you would know that my body has not been in the best sitch for the past month. All this did for the two of us was really build up sexual tension, since previous to that I was in no condition for anything more than a brief hug. With a hazmat suit on. Anyway, needless to say it was like two horny teens who barely had any idea how to use their things much less have firework type sex. That’s not the point though. The point that I’m trying to get to, while reliving the moment is when he gasped/grunted (I’m not too sure what to actually call it) “I love you.”
Now, before anyone says, “Awwww, way to go, that’s great, blah blah blah.,” I just want to say that 1. we had/have been dancing around that for a while, I guess since we both kind of say things that kind of allude to it, but never actually speak those words. The conversations go something like this:
AG: Well, I was getting e-mails from my dad and Amy today, and then he called me to tell me he was coming up. Then my sister has been calling me and trying to get me to come down and see you. I feel like I just don’t have the time to do it all.
Me: I don’t get calls or e-mails like that because nobody loves me.
AG: That’s not true. Everybody loves you.
Me: Well, I am just so damn lovable.
AG: Yeah you are.
And then we’re all about telling each other that we love different things about each other. I would share these conversations, buuuut that’s a little too graphic and there are kids on these interwebs. So that’s that. 2. When he said that I think my brain stopped everything physical from working to try and process what just happened. Now, this is definitely a girl thing because I cannot fathom a man stopping himself mid stride to try and figure out if the girl talking dirty underneath him is really serious about her letting him blow his load all over her body. No, no, I’m pretty sure he thinks that’s pretty damn hot and just keeps on trucking. So I kind of froze and was having this mental inquisition with myself. Now, why I question myself so much when things like this happen, when I clearly cannot answer any of the questions, is beyond me. So, when my brain kind of realized how awkward it is to just be hovering and not doing anything, during a time when if you aren’t moving, you probably aren’t enjoying yourself, I had this “Oh, shit” moment and then kissed him.
I said absolutely nothing. I didn’t know what I should say. I mean what if he didn’t say it? What if he said something after and I just didn’t hear it? And most importantly, does it even count during sex? That’s like when you find dad in the middle of fixing the car and ask him if you can go to Atlantic City for a week, during school, with some people you kind of know from high school, and he says sure just so you stop talking to him while he’s doing something important. I would say mom’s do that too, but I really think it might just be my mom, and not because she’s really concentrating on something super hard, but just because she can’t really focus on anything outside of her life unless it intersects with it. I could seriously tell her I got a job as a hooker and she would turn to me three weeks later and ask me why I sleep all day and smell like cheap hotel rooms.
I talked about it with a friend, and she thought that I shouldn’t worry about it, because it will be said again, if, you know, it’s that time, or some bullshit. Oh yeah, that’s easy for you to say because you aren’t in a situation where you might not have said I love you back to a guy. And then also you forgot that he wanted to do something special for your 3 monthaversary.
Yeah. I know. That’s what I thought too when he said it to me the first time. I’m pretty sure I forgot, and it was less forgetting and more just passing it off, because I thought it was just a joke. An acknowledgement that we’ve been together for three months, but a joke as well. Well, as I looked at his sad little face when I laughed it off on the airplane, my heart almost broke. Seriously. I don’t think I had ever felt so bad about something in my entire life. And I have done some shitty things in my time. For example, I made out with a guy twice, and forgot his name both times. And he found out both times. But I didn’t feel bad about that. AG just looked so hurt when I told him he was full of it when he asked if we were still going out for dinner the following Friday. And then he showed me his phone date book, which had “3 months with dana! : )” I swear that’s what it looked like.
I think it was this point that I realized I had never been in a normal relationship before. You know, one that actually celebrated the small milestones in life, and proved that the two of you actually cared for each other. It’s also when I realized that I was in a lot deeper than had thought. It’s just getting to that point where I can tell him that and not be all dur dur dur.