(no subject)
This is gonna be a doozy...of course no one has to read it, and probably no one will :P
San Francisco's my home. I don't know how to live anywhere else. When I was in Honolulu, as beautiful as I recall it, I was just a little girl; all salient decisions were made for me. I know "how it is" here, as an adult and my own person, and I love it. Hills, people...Even the unswimmable ocean and stupid shitty weather that messes with my painting (because I know it'll probably change in a couple of days, no matter what the time of year).
All that "we did this on the weekend" or "we did that!" - you know, the cool or fun stuff that gets me out of the house and seeing/talking to people and my mind off shitty things, 95% of it is because we live here. It's a gathering place, a place where people bearing good things (comedians, musicians, festivals, cons, cute stores, etc.) come, seeking patronage. A place sort of elitist (and becoming more so by the minute, apparently) but still chill and friendly for the most part, and the elitism, though annoying, does mean we do get nice things.
I don't go out expecting to get fucked with by racists (they're around, but not super open), I don't get political mailers and commercials with horrible views come election time, people aren't openly trying to screw with/dumb down the public education curriculum (far as I know) and *generally* the violence is the sort that'll leave me alone if I leave it alone. The homelessness thing makes me sad (especially now, it's freezing :/), but they're other humans, not pests, they don't bother me in an "I hate it here because of you" sort of way (Better they didn't, since I feel about 2 steps removed from them in any case). I like having this city's name on my return address. People everywhere know where I'm talking about, even from other countries (even if they think it's all shit-filled BART stations and techies smelling their own farts).
However, the rent and housing costs here now are INSANE. Unparalleled by anything almost inAmerican history (aside from New York). Honestly, even if they can afford it, paying 2.5K/month for a closet, 3K/month for a regular little place, and 4K+ for a nice one, is just stupid. Our city is not THAT much fucking better than other places, it's just space is scarce and rich jerks started outbidding everyone. You have to be rich to live here now unless you have like 6 roomates, and with my anxiety I just can't do that. There's a chance of a market crash, of course, but I think things have changed to the point where they're not going to go back to reasonable, if they dip it'll only be slight. And for this reason I know if I leave this apartment I can never, ever come back (unless I hit the lottery. And...I don't play). That's the bit that messes with me the most. Even if my decision is wrong, it's irreversible.
But I can't handle this anymore. I'm getting more and more paranoid by the week because of the neighbor noise thing in my place, just constantly on edge and thinking about it every minute. Just...murmurs and giggles from all sides, which can start any time without warning, like I'm insane and dreaming it up, continue for a minute or for hours, never in English so I can't put it into context, and I've been completely sensitized to the slightest sound. We can now hear the phone in the next apartment which is funny because I never have before, it's like the walls are trolling me by getting thinner (of course I know it could be they moved their phone closer to the wall :P). And this is people living their lives; seen from a regular, non-hypersensitized perspective, it's probably not crazy excessive (though before we talked to them it really WAS excessive. And now the damage is done). It's a very frightening thing...I truly, honestly feel like I'm going to go crazy someday, perhaps irrevocably (and also for other reasons), and this is accelerating it. Plus our place is small and cramped, R can't have the dog he's always wanted like I've always wanted a cat (and I have NEVER looked back from that despite the allergies. I am a cat person through and through), and we can't really move to the next phase of life here. Y'know.
So, we've begun the search. We don't have to leave the state quite yet; there are some affordable cities that are close enough to here that R can still work with his biggest clients, but far enough away (45-80 minutes, and in some cases across multiple toll bridges) that we can't just go to SF whenever we want, we'd have to plan day trips there. The work commute will really suck for him wherever we end up, and it makes me feel terrible, but he's willing to do it.
Last weekend we saw our first place, in Santa Rosa. We'd gone up there for a toy festival last year and I actually found their town pretty cute, what with the Schultz museum, custom lego store and nerd store, pretty clean streets - so I was hopeful. It's quite, quite far, though - we drove up and were getting sadder realizing just how far - and once we stopped the car and got out...
well, the whole town smelled. Like feces (not manure, not pleasantly of cows. Feces). Strong, to the point where I was like 'watch out, there's something around we don't want to step in.' But no. It's just the air. The apartment dude told us it has a name - the 'Sonoma Aroma.' From fertilizer from the cow farms to the vineyards. And it's not all year (we didn't smell it last time we were here). But...just no. We laughed our asses off all day (the apartment was okay, not amazing, some perks, but might still have a noise issue). Went back downtown to walk around, check out the fun nerdy stores, had yummy weird ice cream at this super cute magic shop/ice creamery/event space thingie, then had dinner at Guy Fieri's restaurant (I know, I know. And we actually shunned it last time. But decided to have some fun, and it ended up being quite good bbq. Cocktails were really overpriced for what they were though). Smell remained. Finally noped out. It was so funny. And the people were all really nice (obviously we didn't laugh directly at people or anything, it's not their fault :P). We just can't do it! It's like the one thing that might be even worse than noise :P
This weekend we viewed places in Vallejo and Benicia. I'd looked up Vallejo and hilariously found they were #6 on a list of America's Most Miserable Cities, and had declared bankruptcy. But, it did say they were coming back around and recovering, it was a bit closer than Sonoma, and I was happy to give it a shot. We could afford to rent a standalone house here, after all, that could sure as hell solve the noise thing. Got there and...hunh. drove 10 minutes through residential area without seeing one person. Drove through downtown with like half of the businesses shut down (and not one open one either of us had any interest in whatsoever). A ministry on every corner. Swastika grafitti on a home for sale. Dude peeing by a porch. A lady complaining there were no 99 cent options for sale and a fly in the mashed potatoes at Church's chicken. Wow, it really is miserable. And the property show-er guy was weird. Denied he'd listed the places on the site we'd contacted him directly from. Though both houses had potential (one had formerly been zoned commercial and had interesting quirks that drew me, like a stone column stoop, a little solarium-ish room (that could have been a bank vestibule before), a giant walk-in closet with outside windows and like double the square footage in a creepy unfinished basement - Fugly decrepit kitchen, bathroom and cabinetry though, and quite unfinished. The other was better finished, cute bathroom and lamps, but way smaller and more expensive), we couldn't live in that town. Stuck there after giving up our home here, I'd end up jumping in the ocean from the ferry a la Cerighton Bernette.
Thus we hit Benicia with low expectations. But lo - it's actually a very cute little place. Despite being a refinery town it didn't smell (apparently if it ever does it's a leak that the refinery must address), despite being way inside the peninsula/on the delta it comes off as an ocean town, lots of water (which actually is a big thing for R), despite being right by Vallejo it's got none of its bleakness (it's almost creepily clean and nice, like Gone Girl - we actually observed people walking around holding hands, chatting with dogs on leashes, sitting on grassy benches kissing, etc. :P), and the place we looked at actually seemed even better than the ad (except the kitchen is claustrophobic, but oh well). The view from the place was gorgeous! Hills, trees and ocean - with a fenceless back deck! The complex had cats just walking around with their collars on! (Hoochen would likely stay an indoor cat though.) Only one wall shared with any neighbors (and the tenant says there's no noise problems), groceries right next door, and...something about the layout of the neighborhood - the hills and water and quaintness - actually sort of reminded me of being in Hawaii. The place is smallish (I think bigger than our place though, and 2 bedrooms/floors) but I want it. I could live there. It's not super interesting but it seems so peaceful, it's affordable with a bit of belt tightening, and it's just...nice. We might find out the town's deadly secret later but hell, could be an adventure :P Only problem is it's in demand, there was a crowd at the open house. *sigh* We'll see. But we left with some hope of actually finding a viable place worth losing SF! Seeing what made me happy about the place made me feel like I'm actually looking for somewhere to retire to, or convalesce in. But I guess it's kind of true.
So Benicia's a big maybe even if we don't get that particular place, and we'll also be looking into the South Bay, like as far as San Jose? - possibly even worse commute, but maybe some potential. And of course there's the rare affordable crop-up in Oakland/the liveable part of Richmond, but there's almost always a catch/scam. Fingers crossed.
I know one could read this and think 'what a snob, there are way worse places to live than any of these, she should be grateful she's not out on the street in some polluted favela or living with 10 relatives.' I get it. I am grateful for whatever I can get, trust me. But it's like...when I lived in Hawaii there were roaches around, it was just how it was. The house we lived in was home, but shabby and surrounded by nature, and the area just HAD them. I feared them, but I lived with it because I had to, and functioned well. But when we came to SF to a home shut tight and didn't have to have them, my phobia just developed unchecked and now I scream/freeze if I ever see one outside of a zoo. I just have my own particular sensitivities and damages that have grown in their own ways.
And speaking of personal damage, ah! Mad Men finale! The feels! the giggles! Steggy! Finding out it's been an 8 year long Coke commercial all along! :P Please stop with the Youtube commercials though, AMC, ugh.