Hoping my child has a cleft...
Posting this here at the encouragement of Pam Burrows:
Not too long ago I sent out a text to some of my friends asking if it was "cruel" that I "hoped" that at least one of my children would have a cleft lip and palate, and that if I adopt (as I currently plan to) I'd probably intentionally adopt a child with one. Here's my reasoning: I was born with a unilateral cleft lip and palate, and if I were given the ability to make it so I had never had one, I wouldn't use that ability. It has shaped who I am today, is a part of my identity, and frankly, I'm proud of it. I honestly feel that it helped me become more empathetic of a person because of the teasing I underwent. (And no, I don't think the teasing is a big reason to call my hope cruel - children are teased for everything, and I was probably teased for my general awkwardness as much as anything else.) There's a reason I didn't get the final scar revision and rhinoplasty: I didn't WANT to take that last step to "remove" that huge part of me (even though the assured me that it wouldn't make it "perfect").
Also, frankly, a cleft lip and palate isn't that big of a deal. Financially, all my surgeries were covered as it was a birth defect. With the exception of general anesthesia, which I HATED, either in gas or needle form, and my small fear that I wouldn't wake up, I actually looked forward to my surgeries, especially if I got to spend at least one night in the hospital, being waited on in bed (and often receiving presents :-P). The only surgery that was a negative experience was my jaw realignment, and even that's something I'm glad I went through, since it brought me a lot of dear (and interesting) memories.
Beyond my own gladness to have been born with a cleft, I also relish the idea of being able to help my child with the negative aspects of a cleft, having been through the same thing. If my child has to go through orthognathic surgery, I want to be there to comfort him/her, and reassure him/her that no, you WON'T suffocate on your own saliva in your sleep. And if you're still worried, I'll be here with you the whole night, watching over you. I'm so proud of you for being so brave.
Beyond which, I just love the smiles of kids (and adults) with clefts. They tend to have this adorable smirk to them. They're just cute. :)
So yeah, maybe I have a rose-colored view of my own experiences, and what it would be like to be able to be there for my children, but that's how I feel. And no, it's not like if I were able to MAKE my child have a cleft, that I would. However... I'm not 100% sure that if my unborn child had a cleft, and if I could, that I'd somehow make the cleft naturally fuse in the womb... But what it really comes down to is that if I conceive my own child, and he/she happens to have a cleft, I won't be disappointed or heartbroken. A part in me will probably smile, and look forward to that aspect of my child's and my own life.
So yeah, thoughts? Am I utterly crazy here? Or just incredibly naiive?
ETA: Yes, I realize I made another "exception" to my "no Facebook/Twitter/LJ" rule, but whatever. Also, I posted this same thing on FB if you want to see what's going on in the discussion there.
ETA2: I should also clarify that I would only possibly "hope" for this because of modern medicine's ability to "fix" it.
Not too long ago I sent out a text to some of my friends asking if it was "cruel" that I "hoped" that at least one of my children would have a cleft lip and palate, and that if I adopt (as I currently plan to) I'd probably intentionally adopt a child with one. Here's my reasoning: I was born with a unilateral cleft lip and palate, and if I were given the ability to make it so I had never had one, I wouldn't use that ability. It has shaped who I am today, is a part of my identity, and frankly, I'm proud of it. I honestly feel that it helped me become more empathetic of a person because of the teasing I underwent. (And no, I don't think the teasing is a big reason to call my hope cruel - children are teased for everything, and I was probably teased for my general awkwardness as much as anything else.) There's a reason I didn't get the final scar revision and rhinoplasty: I didn't WANT to take that last step to "remove" that huge part of me (even though the assured me that it wouldn't make it "perfect").
Also, frankly, a cleft lip and palate isn't that big of a deal. Financially, all my surgeries were covered as it was a birth defect. With the exception of general anesthesia, which I HATED, either in gas or needle form, and my small fear that I wouldn't wake up, I actually looked forward to my surgeries, especially if I got to spend at least one night in the hospital, being waited on in bed (and often receiving presents :-P). The only surgery that was a negative experience was my jaw realignment, and even that's something I'm glad I went through, since it brought me a lot of dear (and interesting) memories.
Beyond my own gladness to have been born with a cleft, I also relish the idea of being able to help my child with the negative aspects of a cleft, having been through the same thing. If my child has to go through orthognathic surgery, I want to be there to comfort him/her, and reassure him/her that no, you WON'T suffocate on your own saliva in your sleep. And if you're still worried, I'll be here with you the whole night, watching over you. I'm so proud of you for being so brave.
Beyond which, I just love the smiles of kids (and adults) with clefts. They tend to have this adorable smirk to them. They're just cute. :)
So yeah, maybe I have a rose-colored view of my own experiences, and what it would be like to be able to be there for my children, but that's how I feel. And no, it's not like if I were able to MAKE my child have a cleft, that I would. However... I'm not 100% sure that if my unborn child had a cleft, and if I could, that I'd somehow make the cleft naturally fuse in the womb... But what it really comes down to is that if I conceive my own child, and he/she happens to have a cleft, I won't be disappointed or heartbroken. A part in me will probably smile, and look forward to that aspect of my child's and my own life.
So yeah, thoughts? Am I utterly crazy here? Or just incredibly naiive?
ETA: Yes, I realize I made another "exception" to my "no Facebook/Twitter/LJ" rule, but whatever. Also, I posted this same thing on FB if you want to see what's going on in the discussion there.
ETA2: I should also clarify that I would only possibly "hope" for this because of modern medicine's ability to "fix" it.