(no subject)
so. writers on the flist. how was your writing in 2009? are you pleased with your wordcount? (if so, congrats and i hate you. *ahem*) do you want to write more in 2010? are you like me and you need the threat of public shaming a little public accountability to get you to write anything? if so, might i direct you over to findyourwords, which is open for signups until jan 31. *bats eyelashes fetchingly* the minimum wordcount pledge is 35k words, and there's no maximum. (altho someone has pledged 730k, which, wow, i'm both terrified and impressed. i couldn't do that in ten years of trying.) you need to join the comm if you haven't already, and then you sign up here. and every week you tell the comm how much you've written the past week and let me tell you, that is seriously the only reason i wrote as much as i did this past year. having to admit to a bunch of people that i didn't write a damn thing all week - not for lack of ideas, or lack of time, just lack of actually doing it - forced me to get the words out of my head and onto screen and paper.
i've pledged 75k which i WILL WRITE because i'll be able to do nano next year because i'm not going anywhere in november because i'll probably be out of vacation time by then.
end pimp. :D
i have this friend from high school who lives in new york who's turning forty next february, and who thinks we're better friends than i do. we haven't had an actual conversation in at least a year - not counting a very brief facebook exchange where she tried to get me to come down for a mini high school reunion after thanksgiving, and another when she wanted me to come visit for my birthday - but according to her husband she really, really, really, really misses me. (she's just bad at calling people. whatever. i check my email frequently. she can email me.) and i know this because he called last night to ask me (and apply guilt if necessary) to come visit for the weekend of her birthday, as a surprise. i said i'd have to check my calendar, but i wasn't sure how much free time i'd have in february. (this is a GIANT LIE, by the way. i might go skiing president's day weekend, and i know i have curling every sunday, but otherwise, i'm not going anywhere.) he said no problem, he'd call back after new year's, but she'd really really love to see me, etc etc. he must have said five times how much she misses me. which personally i find kind of funny, considering she never calls or emails or really ever tries to get in touch with me. he did start to say "it would be really nice if you called her", but i cut him off because i'm not playing that game. if she wants to chat that badly, she can call me. she's the one who misses me, not the other way around.
and then i called my sister and said "YOU HAVE TO HELP ME THINK UP EXCUSES FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH OF FEBRUARY" because i really am that bad a friend. i don't think my sister was interested in a. helping me, or even b. listening to me work thru my issue. but whatever, i listen to her problems with her friends and try to give advice if asked, she can listen to mine. and so i bitched and moaned and was all guilt-ridden and felt better.
but this is the thing. i don't have anything in common with this friend any more, i haven't seen her (by choice) since she got married, and i've totally mentally and emotionally drifted. she obviously hasn't. for all i know, she still thinks we're bff's. she has ms and is apparently mostly wheelchair-bound and i don't think she's got many local friends. i remember her saying a while ago that her husband's female friends and the wives of his guy friends weren't particularly friendly towards her, and i don't know if she's got opportunities to make other friends. (wow, there's a lot of "friend" in that sentence. O.O ) this is not my problem, but it kind of explains why she's so invested in being close to me.
(i don't remember if i mentioned on lj, but she asked me once to be a surrogate for her second child. she has a daughter but wanted a second kid, and as her doctors were VERY resistant to the idea of her getting pregnant, on account of her ms, she started thinking about surrogates and adoption and other options. so we had a very weird phone conversation in which she tried to convince me it would be the greatest thing ever if i did this for her. as you might be able to guess, i did not remotely agree. the number of people for whom i would carry a baby to term is one, and that's my sister, because she's my sister. there is not enough money in the world to convince me to bear someone else's child.)
so anyway. i have this friend who is still clearly invested in our friendship, and i can't bring myself to care enough to make an effort to get in touch with her. i'm not interested in going to see her for a weekend and hanging out and reminiscing and whatever else she'd want to do. i'm not interested in maintaining the friendship. i just don't care, and that makes me feel guilty.
i certainly don't wish her ill - i think she's an unhappy person and thus kind of negative, but she's not a bad person - we haven't had a falling-out or anything, she hasn't done anything horrible to me, it's not like i want to cut her out of my life forever because she was an unmitigated bitch. but i'm not particularly interested in maintaining
...i have just been ENTIRELY distracted by finding (highly unsurprising) cm fannishness when i wasn't looking for it, and am having a horrible urge to yell "YOU! OUT OF MY FANDOM!" which is more shades of ridiculous than i feel like explaining right now.
ugh, ignore that. i forgot where i was. >.< basically i feel guilty for not caring that i haven't kept up this friendship, and i feel guilty for not wanting to go to new york EVER AT ALL to see this friend, and when i stop feeling guilty i'll feel guilty for NOT feeling guilty, and i have enough guilt that... i'm going to new york for a weekend in february to see this friend for her birthday, as a surprise for her and a favor to her husband. (who i honestly don't know well enough to do favors for.) either i'll regret it instantly or i'll have a decent time. i mean, it might be ok. and it might cement for both of us that we're very different people than we were in high school, and there's no reason for her to keep pretending we're such close friends.
well, i already know that. but she doesn't. so we'll see. evidently my own guilt is a tremendously powerful thing, because i really don't want to give up a weekend for this woman, and yet i am.
well. if you read that you get a cookie. if you haven't - and you totally don't have to and i don't blame you for skipping it - just know this post is now all over the map in terms of stuff and people and how i feel about them. give me a few minutes and i'm sure i can think of something else totally unrelated to talk about.
i've pledged 75k which i WILL WRITE because i'll be able to do nano next year because i'm not going anywhere in november because i'll probably be out of vacation time by then.
end pimp. :D
i have this friend from high school who lives in new york who's turning forty next february, and who thinks we're better friends than i do. we haven't had an actual conversation in at least a year - not counting a very brief facebook exchange where she tried to get me to come down for a mini high school reunion after thanksgiving, and another when she wanted me to come visit for my birthday - but according to her husband she really, really, really, really misses me. (she's just bad at calling people. whatever. i check my email frequently. she can email me.) and i know this because he called last night to ask me (and apply guilt if necessary) to come visit for the weekend of her birthday, as a surprise. i said i'd have to check my calendar, but i wasn't sure how much free time i'd have in february. (this is a GIANT LIE, by the way. i might go skiing president's day weekend, and i know i have curling every sunday, but otherwise, i'm not going anywhere.) he said no problem, he'd call back after new year's, but she'd really really love to see me, etc etc. he must have said five times how much she misses me. which personally i find kind of funny, considering she never calls or emails or really ever tries to get in touch with me. he did start to say "it would be really nice if you called her", but i cut him off because i'm not playing that game. if she wants to chat that badly, she can call me. she's the one who misses me, not the other way around.
and then i called my sister and said "YOU HAVE TO HELP ME THINK UP EXCUSES FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH OF FEBRUARY" because i really am that bad a friend. i don't think my sister was interested in a. helping me, or even b. listening to me work thru my issue. but whatever, i listen to her problems with her friends and try to give advice if asked, she can listen to mine. and so i bitched and moaned and was all guilt-ridden and felt better.
but this is the thing. i don't have anything in common with this friend any more, i haven't seen her (by choice) since she got married, and i've totally mentally and emotionally drifted. she obviously hasn't. for all i know, she still thinks we're bff's. she has ms and is apparently mostly wheelchair-bound and i don't think she's got many local friends. i remember her saying a while ago that her husband's female friends and the wives of his guy friends weren't particularly friendly towards her, and i don't know if she's got opportunities to make other friends. (wow, there's a lot of "friend" in that sentence. O.O ) this is not my problem, but it kind of explains why she's so invested in being close to me.
(i don't remember if i mentioned on lj, but she asked me once to be a surrogate for her second child. she has a daughter but wanted a second kid, and as her doctors were VERY resistant to the idea of her getting pregnant, on account of her ms, she started thinking about surrogates and adoption and other options. so we had a very weird phone conversation in which she tried to convince me it would be the greatest thing ever if i did this for her. as you might be able to guess, i did not remotely agree. the number of people for whom i would carry a baby to term is one, and that's my sister, because she's my sister. there is not enough money in the world to convince me to bear someone else's child.)
so anyway. i have this friend who is still clearly invested in our friendship, and i can't bring myself to care enough to make an effort to get in touch with her. i'm not interested in going to see her for a weekend and hanging out and reminiscing and whatever else she'd want to do. i'm not interested in maintaining the friendship. i just don't care, and that makes me feel guilty.
i certainly don't wish her ill - i think she's an unhappy person and thus kind of negative, but she's not a bad person - we haven't had a falling-out or anything, she hasn't done anything horrible to me, it's not like i want to cut her out of my life forever because she was an unmitigated bitch. but i'm not particularly interested in maintaining
...i have just been ENTIRELY distracted by finding (highly unsurprising) cm fannishness when i wasn't looking for it, and am having a horrible urge to yell "YOU! OUT OF MY FANDOM!" which is more shades of ridiculous than i feel like explaining right now.
ugh, ignore that. i forgot where i was. >.< basically i feel guilty for not caring that i haven't kept up this friendship, and i feel guilty for not wanting to go to new york EVER AT ALL to see this friend, and when i stop feeling guilty i'll feel guilty for NOT feeling guilty, and i have enough guilt that... i'm going to new york for a weekend in february to see this friend for her birthday, as a surprise for her and a favor to her husband. (who i honestly don't know well enough to do favors for.) either i'll regret it instantly or i'll have a decent time. i mean, it might be ok. and it might cement for both of us that we're very different people than we were in high school, and there's no reason for her to keep pretending we're such close friends.
well, i already know that. but she doesn't. so we'll see. evidently my own guilt is a tremendously powerful thing, because i really don't want to give up a weekend for this woman, and yet i am.
well. if you read that you get a cookie. if you haven't - and you totally don't have to and i don't blame you for skipping it - just know this post is now all over the map in terms of stuff and people and how i feel about them. give me a few minutes and i'm sure i can think of something else totally unrelated to talk about.