Spinning downwards... slowly
Laying on the blanket outside in the sunless sky; pretending that there was a sun and also pretending to do homeworkI thought about life and what was going on here. I have fallen again, into the stupidity of this place. The gossip, the hatred for each other, the back stabbing... and as the terms have come and gone it has gotten worse and worse. You would think that here at a place like this people would stand for what is right. Stand for what they believe, and stand for one another. Yet again and again I feel the pressure. I feel the pressure that I have to submit to this.
It doesn't come all at once after each break. But slowly creeps in like a theft in the night. Not all at once, but opens the door slowly just to let a little in. At first I hear it and I slam it shut. I wake others up in the house as I shut the door and this is where it begins. The noise has woken people up and the complaints begin... each time I try to shut the door on this thing, more complaints, more pleads just to let it in, until I have broken. Then it seems to come in full force, and I have no way to stop it. The rumors I hear, the things people say about each other, the mean comments that come spewing out of my mouth, I just can't believe it. And I have come immune to this. YUCK.
Of course after the world sweeps through this house then so does the guilt. The guilt that I have hurt people, the guilt that I have let people say things, and that I have allowed people to speak horrid things in my presence. I don't want it, I don't want to be part of it. But how do I get out?
I feel as though I am in a whirlwind of emotions and a corrupt behavior of those that are supposed to be holy and anointed. Chosen people of God. Yes I know that we all mess up, but why do we let the door come open, why don't we close it and hold it shut?
I am slowly learning that it is okay to mess up, that is how we learn things, that is how we grow. But I am still not okay with myself messing up. Ahhh... Sometimes I wonder how God could love me and could choose me to be a princess in his kingdom.
Here I go again, I am in the midst of it right now.
How can GOd love us, I would kill us all in a moments notice if I could.
I am learning about God's grace right now but I just don't understand it. I don't understand how I could be loved as much as the man that GOd called "a man after his own heart". I am loved the same as King David. I dont' get that. I can't fathom that. My parents always played favorites, they always had their kid that they love the most, that they gave the most attention to. Yet the Lord loves me the same as King David.
Hmm.. yet another wonderful day in the world at EBC.
It doesn't come all at once after each break. But slowly creeps in like a theft in the night. Not all at once, but opens the door slowly just to let a little in. At first I hear it and I slam it shut. I wake others up in the house as I shut the door and this is where it begins. The noise has woken people up and the complaints begin... each time I try to shut the door on this thing, more complaints, more pleads just to let it in, until I have broken. Then it seems to come in full force, and I have no way to stop it. The rumors I hear, the things people say about each other, the mean comments that come spewing out of my mouth, I just can't believe it. And I have come immune to this. YUCK.
Of course after the world sweeps through this house then so does the guilt. The guilt that I have hurt people, the guilt that I have let people say things, and that I have allowed people to speak horrid things in my presence. I don't want it, I don't want to be part of it. But how do I get out?
I feel as though I am in a whirlwind of emotions and a corrupt behavior of those that are supposed to be holy and anointed. Chosen people of God. Yes I know that we all mess up, but why do we let the door come open, why don't we close it and hold it shut?
I am slowly learning that it is okay to mess up, that is how we learn things, that is how we grow. But I am still not okay with myself messing up. Ahhh... Sometimes I wonder how God could love me and could choose me to be a princess in his kingdom.
Here I go again, I am in the midst of it right now.
How can GOd love us, I would kill us all in a moments notice if I could.
I am learning about God's grace right now but I just don't understand it. I don't understand how I could be loved as much as the man that GOd called "a man after his own heart". I am loved the same as King David. I dont' get that. I can't fathom that. My parents always played favorites, they always had their kid that they love the most, that they gave the most attention to. Yet the Lord loves me the same as King David.
Hmm.. yet another wonderful day in the world at EBC.