Im sorry things ended like this. You should know that you were one of the only things in life that made me happy. I feel like its turned into a fucked up charade now. I hope that you understand that I need to end it. I remeber walking around the mall with you. You were wearing my hoodie and it was just way too big for you. For some reason I tied off the arms. You stood there and tried to flap your arms. It made me smile so much my face hurt. That week was the best week of my life. I want to help you any way I can but I realise that you dont need my help. I just needed to feel like I helped you. You can handle anything that comes your way. Im so sorry for everything I put you through. I had the best intentions from the start. Things just didnt go like I pictured them in my head. Thats what happens with fantacies. Life is just like that I guess. Im so sorry about everything. If you ever need anything text me. I may not answer but I will help if Im around. Take care of yourself.
I'm sorry things ended this way as well, but I knew you needed to move on. I just really hope you try to sort things out and fix the current situation your in (last couple of entries you posted). I worry about you and I feel like I've been way too distant from you within the past year. We should of talked more, but I was depressed and you were drunk when I called you a lot of times. I resented that, and it was part of the reason why I stopped calling you. You really did help me so much. I haven't been completely honest with you either. For the past 5 months before I moved in here I was periodically using and wasn't there anymore. I had given up for a long time. But things have really turned around. I've learned to deal with the problems I always try to run away from by using. I try to stay as clean as I can be. I have a class of wine once a week now and that's it. I don't smoke weed or do any kind of drugs that might trigger a relapse. I begged you to stop drinking, but you didn't listen. I know your going through hard times right now
( ... )
I wish you would have told me that my drinking kept us from talking. It may have made a diffrence. Or I may have just tried to hide it. I am with out a doubt an alcoholic. Im done with alcohol. Its ruined so much of my life and who knows what its done for my health. Im considering getting on some kind of medication. My reaction to things just isnt normal. I have spent the last two years trying to correct that but its very apparent to me that I have failed. You asked me to promise you I wont hurt or kill myself. Over the last month I have brought masochism into my life. I beleave it helps me cope but im debating if its something that I should have in my life or not. Outside of medicinal I promise not to hurt or kill myself. How ever my life turns out I will deal with it. Life really is too precious to throw away
( ... )
It's okay, things have gotten so much better that I'm actually sober now. I just have to look for a job because my unemployments running out, I may not get approved to get it for 6 more months depending on a certain amount I made working there. I don't know, I'll just have to see. I need to find a job though, I just haven't had any motivation to start looking because I need to work a decent one ya know. It's good that you stopped drinking, please don't ever again because it really messed your life up multiple times. Life is too precious to waste away and I've realized that more than ever. One of the main reasons that got me to stop dope is because I almost died many many times. I crashed my car because I was high and I overdosed and Steven had to recesitate me 10 times in the same week. I almost died sooo many times, and I was given so many chances. The last time I died and got brought back to life it was hit me and I turned everything around. I'm so glad I did because I want to live for a long time. I value my life.
I had no idea it got that bad. I always use to be terrified that the next time I would call you I would hear that you died. I would freak out every time your phone got disconnected. Its fucking scary that you came that close to dieing. I fucking hate thinking about it
( ... )
I want to help you any way I can but I realise that you dont need my help. I just needed to feel like I helped you. You can handle anything that comes your way. Im so sorry for everything I put you through. I had the best intentions from the start. Things just didnt go like I pictured them in my head. Thats what happens with fantacies. Life is just like that I guess.
Im so sorry about everything. If you ever need anything text me. I may not answer but I will help if Im around. Take care of yourself.
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