wake up rant
Well this morning was definitely a smoother start. Of course with the morning wake up call from matt and talking to him for a half hour like usual. I just had to stretch a bit to wake myself up fully. but ya i gotta work at 11:30 again so that will be somewhat productive.
Yesterday went very very rocky...It was the day from hell and I'm so glad it's over. I made my fall schedule yesterday and read half the chapter for art history cause i was that upset/couldn't sleep. but i did get my summer books and 42.00 for that shitty speech book. at least i don't ever have to look at it again.
I'm totally erasing everything that happened yesterday out of my mind. I'm tired of remembering the bad so I'm going to meditate before i hop in the shower. Hopefully that will keep me from eating everything in sight....and being so depressed.
I guess he's thinking about me again and not worried from what it seems. I just wish for once things will go smoothly for me...I'm sick of going through heartache at times and so many rough patches with guys. I can't help i have a temper thats just who i am so why can't people just accept it and just ignore it. My mom does, my sister does, my whole family does I don't understand why guys just can't stand it and automatically start doubting the whole relationship. Are they really not loving me for me? are they just saying things to get me to think about them more? or are they playing games with me?
I know these are things that I shouldn't be thinking of about matt but after him telling me he's doubting things it really makes me wonder...I HAD full confidence in this relationship but after him telling me that in the car which I'm so glad he finally told me. It kind of crushed my heart a little bit. I feel lost, and somewhat helpless right now cause I have no idea how he feels about me now. Does he still truly love me? does he still think he will be with me forever? (obviously not if he's doubting)....I guess i'm being impatient for things to mend between us but I feel like this is really really bad things that have occurred. I thought being truly in love means always feeling like I'm sailing on a cloud and not having a care in the world? so why am I worrying whether he's going to dump me or not? I guess i'm starting to second guess if I'm truly in love :(.
Do i really have to change myself fully just to keep him? and if I have to should i really change myself fully just to have him in my life? will it really be love if i do such a thing or will it be some kind of misery that will come back eventually to bite me in the ass even harder than the past 3 times. I wish i could have these questions answered so i can get my feet back on the ground. I feel like someone is dragging me by the arms and slamming me into walls. I feel so hurt and confused its not even funny. I hate not seeing him for two days...this is starting to kill me again too. Yes I seen him two days in a row but we also fought the last day i did see him and fought with him yesterday.
I just wish i could get some answers....From me switching over from Christianity to atheism it has really sucked cause i'm the kind of people that really like thinking there is something there to help me out and talk to. But I'm glad I did it because now I can cope with my own problems that talking to the walls believing in a fantasy world of everything being wonderful someday. All I have to look forward to now is Wednesday to see the fate of this relationship....thats kind of sad that I have to wait I guess i'm really being impatient...I need to stop this GOD DAMMIT!!!!!! I FUCKIN HATE DOING THIS....*cries*....
Yesterday went very very rocky...It was the day from hell and I'm so glad it's over. I made my fall schedule yesterday and read half the chapter for art history cause i was that upset/couldn't sleep. but i did get my summer books and 42.00 for that shitty speech book. at least i don't ever have to look at it again.
I'm totally erasing everything that happened yesterday out of my mind. I'm tired of remembering the bad so I'm going to meditate before i hop in the shower. Hopefully that will keep me from eating everything in sight....and being so depressed.
I guess he's thinking about me again and not worried from what it seems. I just wish for once things will go smoothly for me...I'm sick of going through heartache at times and so many rough patches with guys. I can't help i have a temper thats just who i am so why can't people just accept it and just ignore it. My mom does, my sister does, my whole family does I don't understand why guys just can't stand it and automatically start doubting the whole relationship. Are they really not loving me for me? are they just saying things to get me to think about them more? or are they playing games with me?
I know these are things that I shouldn't be thinking of about matt but after him telling me he's doubting things it really makes me wonder...I HAD full confidence in this relationship but after him telling me that in the car which I'm so glad he finally told me. It kind of crushed my heart a little bit. I feel lost, and somewhat helpless right now cause I have no idea how he feels about me now. Does he still truly love me? does he still think he will be with me forever? (obviously not if he's doubting)....I guess i'm being impatient for things to mend between us but I feel like this is really really bad things that have occurred. I thought being truly in love means always feeling like I'm sailing on a cloud and not having a care in the world? so why am I worrying whether he's going to dump me or not? I guess i'm starting to second guess if I'm truly in love :(.
Do i really have to change myself fully just to keep him? and if I have to should i really change myself fully just to have him in my life? will it really be love if i do such a thing or will it be some kind of misery that will come back eventually to bite me in the ass even harder than the past 3 times. I wish i could have these questions answered so i can get my feet back on the ground. I feel like someone is dragging me by the arms and slamming me into walls. I feel so hurt and confused its not even funny. I hate not seeing him for two days...this is starting to kill me again too. Yes I seen him two days in a row but we also fought the last day i did see him and fought with him yesterday.
I just wish i could get some answers....From me switching over from Christianity to atheism it has really sucked cause i'm the kind of people that really like thinking there is something there to help me out and talk to. But I'm glad I did it because now I can cope with my own problems that talking to the walls believing in a fantasy world of everything being wonderful someday. All I have to look forward to now is Wednesday to see the fate of this relationship....thats kind of sad that I have to wait I guess i'm really being impatient...I need to stop this GOD DAMMIT!!!!!! I FUCKIN HATE DOING THIS....*cries*....