A Look Back: A Brief History
In my post about last night's scene with Courtney, I recalled that it had been two years between this and our previous bonafide scene. It got me to thinking about a writing assignment I was given soon after a group of us first attended Folsom Fringe in 2006. The intent of the assignment was to start me off on doing a journal/blog to capture my experiences and development as I began my travels in BDSM, and in part to help document some of the internal dialog that we sometimes forget to share when speaking directly to people -- OK, stop laughing... I do have filters! I do! I do! I do!! ;-)
Anyway, what follows is the result of my assignment, which was done in November 2006. Why didn't I post it to LJ at the time? Well, part of me was unsure whether I would have the comfort level to post such things here and I hadn't been on LJ very long at the time. By now, I think it's safe to say I don't filter a whole lot here. And since one of the memories from it was evoked last night, I now feel the urge to make that original work public. Enjoy!
A JOURNEY BEGINS
Any journey of self-discovery brings with it a variety of experiences, each leaving some lasting emotional impression: gratifying, exhilarating, shocking, scary, distasteful, and once in a while when we're lucky, pure bliss. As our experience grows, we bring all of these past experiences forward. They serve as a lens through which future experiences are perceived, build our intuition of situations and people. Over time, we increase our self awareness and open the door to many more possibilities.
Each of us goes through many of these journeys in our lives. For me, one of the most profound was to become fully aware and accepting of my own homosexuality. Some shorten this to simply "coming out," but those who have taken this journey understand that to be just one part of the experience. Over time, though, some of the nuances and wonderment we experience along the way become lost. What I would like to do here is capture some of my experiences as I begin my journey into self-exploration in the context of BDSM. I can't assume these will be interesting or useful to others... but I have had too many experiences where others were curious to hear of my tales of coming out to not believe that someone might find them interesting.
Much like being gay, I am beginning to understand that the energy and fascination around BDSM has been a part of me for a very long time. It is only recently that I've reached a point where I am ready to begin actually exploring it. My earliest flirtations with such play were commingled with normal sexual play. To me it seemed natural that two guys would perhaps play a bit harder and edgier at times... bring out a bit of the animal in them. Of course, there were times that letting this express itself during sex caused some confusion for my partners -- I am a bottom after all, what's with all the growling? I found myself wishing they'd pinch or nibble my nipples harder, or really push me to the edge physically during sex. More often than not, I found many sexual situations not really all that gratifying as a result. It certainly led me toward being attracted to guys who appeared more gruff, burly, and ruggedly masculine -- bears, some would call them.
Sprinkled within these were a few exceptional situations that I still recall fondly, the earliest some 15 years ago now. The animal abandon of a guy chewing on my neck such that one side was entirely bruised for over a week. The first leather bear that did nothing but torture my tits for hours instead of fucking. Being hooded and bound in a sling while a wonderful man fisted me for the first time. At the time, each of these just seemed like more wonderfully deviant play that gay men participated in. It wouldn't be until much later that I would begin to appreciate these as part of BDSM play and that it crosses so many more boundaries than I could have realized then.
FRIENDS AND FLOGGERS
My introduction to a wider range and expression in BDSM came about through two close friends. One has been in the scene for years, but the other is rather new like myself. But we realized that we had a common interest and eventually progressed to the point where we began to play.
My very first public play experience, though, was arranged by our more experienced friend at Edges, a local dungeon. They were having a benefit and demo event, and we'd decided to go and see what some of this was about. Our more experienced friend spoke with one of the dominas giving flogging demonstrations, Courtney, and arranged for her to flog me. Courtney, dressed in her signature pink (yes it IS a dominant color!), broke my flogging cherry. The experience was absolutely amazing.
One of the more amusing aspects to this experience was that none of my friends has ever heard, let alone seen, me play at this point. And they learned that I can indeed get very loud when I'm being stimulated. One friend wondered openly whether the sounds she was hearing meant i was going to cum... all I could do was smile and note that if she thought this was loud then she might have to see me get fucked sometime. :-)
But the thing that this cemented for me in my mind was that indeed I was going to be heading down this road. This by no means was very intense play -- don't get me wrong, Courtney has a vicious swing! -- but at no point did I ever think, "This just isn't working for me."
Another first for me this evening was enjoying electrical play -- violent wand. I didn't know what to expect when we began, and to be sure they went easy on me -- but it was exhilarating. The range and intensity of sensation, and even some of the implements, made it almost as much fun as flogging.
I consider this event my BDSM coming out. And much like anyone newly out, I'm finding that I'm going through a lot of the same social fumbling that I did when I ventured out as a gay man. I am hopeful that, being mindful I'm a newbie, I can focus on increasing my knowledge and awareness of the BDSM community so that I can minimize any headaches I might cause due to ignorance and yet still enjoy myself (and others!).
RECOLLECTIONS FROM FOLSOM FRINGE
Folsom Fringe interestingly fell on the same weekend as my birthday. So naturally we all agreed that we would attend this educational and play event. There were some fun surprises in store, but while we anticipated it's arrival we did manage to get in some practice and play time of our own. This mainly involved flogging practice (on me, of course) and wasn't too intense. But we did get to see and use an incredible private dungeon space of another friend. In fact, through our associations we are beginning to meet many more very cool and fun people in the scene.
When the time for the event actually arrived, I found myself a little anxious and concerned. Was I really ready for it? Had I really become comfortable enough with BDSM myself that I would feel comfortable in such a large semi-public situation? I showed up the evening before the main event began still not sure.
Some of trepidation grew stronger as we dressed and prepared for the first day of the event... partly because I was to be adorned with signboards indicating that it was indeed my birthday and that I might enjoy a spanking; and I would even carry a paddle for such in case it was needed. Would this just make the experience more awkward? After all, here I am a newbie and I'm walking around calling attention to myself? I was a bit uncertain.
As we began to attend seminars and meet people, I realized something that I guess should have been obvious to me. Everyone there, regardless of their experience level, was very accepting and open. Much as i had experienced in coming out as gay, the community shares a common bond that crosses over so many other aspects and concerns of our lives... and I think that both because of that and perhaps also the stigma we all share in having this interest leads us to be even more accepting of one another. I found this tremendously uplifting and energizing.
One thing that is generally true of the newly out is that they go through a kind of adolescent "kid in a candy store" phase... wanting to sample and play with everything and everyone. I can definitely feel this tendency in myself, but I had a bit of help too. Remember those signboards? Well, I totally got into the groove and began offering the paddle I carried with me to anyone who I noticed had read the sign and was amused by the writing. Part of this, i think, was wanting to demonstrate it wasn't just for show, that I really did want to enjoy this as part of my birthday... but i think that it also had to do with my desire to be "out there" ready to experience everything this event had to offer.
The educational events at Fringe were wonderful. Without recounting all of them, I'll just say that this brought home to me how much there is to learn. But it did so in such a way as to foster further interest. I have a strong desire to attend future classes, attend munches, and take part in other activities that will help me better understand and appreciate what BDSM and my fellow perverts who practice it have to offer. And, at some point, I hope to be able to give as well as i get. :-)
But more than just education and play, I found myself really enjoying meeting a whole variety of new people. People who I knew I shared something with and many of which were eager and open to sharing their knowledge and experience. This added so much to my experience of the event as a whole.
COME HERE BIRTHDAY BOY
But there were a few highlights from Fringe that I simply must describe. Upon meeting some really fantastic people, some took keen interest in the fact it was my birthday. And three in particular got the chance to help me ring in my new year. :-)
Courtney, who had previously broken my flogging cherry, was first. And this time, she had the full flogging resources of a rather crowded flogger case one friend had established by the time we attended Fringe, and even added to that very day. I think that, over the course of about 90 minutes, she used pretty much every flogger in that case... several for the very first time they'd been used on anyone. But what was most profound for me in this experience was that it was the very first time I took flight... that I actually got into what I later understood as subspace and got to fully experience an endorphin high.
What I first noticed was that I felt as if I was starting to hear everything through a tunnel or tube -- I was faced away from everyone in the room and had my eyes closed. At this point, I was still pretty noisy. But then I felt myself draw even further away... not so much inward as outside. This was the point where I realized something very startling to me: I'd stopped making any kind of noise, and became very focused on my breathing (moderate pace, and deep). It wasn't too long before I can remember hearing others comment on my silence. I also noticed that I wasn't really feeling as much of the force of the floggers -- even when Courtney slapped by back with an open hand I didn't feel it much.
It was about this time that I heard someone -- I think Courtney -- comment that there was a little blood coming up on my back. And I think I heard someone say something about having alcohol. And then I felt something wet spray onto my back. I later learned that they indeed did spray my back with alcohol... but if they hadn't actually said it I wouldn't have known. There was no sting, almost no sensation at all. Courtney resumed play, and i think was striking me even harder now that she'd decided on one or two favorites from the toy chest.
Not too much longer from that point, I felt another change come upon me. At first I wondered if I was becoming nauseous, light headed, or passing out. What did happen was that I experienced a growing surge of emotion. There was nothing specific about it. Being hit with the floggers didn't affect it... it just felt like a tide coming in. At first, I adjusted my breathing to try and counter it. But then I thought, "what if this is just part of the experience? Why stop it?" So, I let my breathing return to normal and let the emotion flood over me. That was when I began to cry, and to the extent my breathing didn't interrupt it I could feel myself sobbing. I felt no stress, no pain. Except for the voices I could hear from what seemed like a great distance, I was completely lost in the tide. I can't be certain of how long this lasted, but I think it was about 5 or 10 minutes.
Courtney did notice my state and since we hadn't played but twice together -- my first two real BDSM experiences, honestly -- she decided it was time to bring me down. Although there must have been a dozen people in the room at that point, the only person I could see was Courtney. She and I never really got to talk about it -- I hope that we do at some point -- but all the emotion I was feeling -- that she helped me to experience -- had a tremendous bonding effect for me. Without any hesitation I held her and rested my head on her as the tide began to ebb. Any self-consciousness I might have normally had about standing fully naked in room of people I'd only just begun to get to know, openly crying in front of them, and directing such strong emotion to a woman was non-existent. In fact, the very first words I can remember being able to speak once the scene ended were "Thank you", and even then I think it was only a whisper.
The second noteworthy experience I had was with AJ, who spanked me. Being the lovely, twisted man that he is, he also made me count and tried a few headgames on me to see if I'd lose count during the scene. I think I managed OK, and the experience was wonderful. Spanking is still pretty intense for me, so I'm not sure whether I could manage to get into subspace with this play. But I enjoyed it just the same. :-)
Finally, I met Mistress Ruby... who wanted to help me ring in the new year with a spanking as well. We negotiated for a bit beforehand and I shared with her some of my trepidation at intense spanking (e.g. caning). And while she delivered a very intense spanking that I enjoyed thoroughly, I also realized that she honored the things we'd spoken about beforehand. This was really profound for me, because it was an example where I felt I could explore boundaries and understand that there could be limits, too.
But above all, the thing I found wonderful and common to all the play experiences I had at Fringe was that there was an incredible sharing of personal energy. That each partner in play gives and receives energy from the other. For me, this kind of energy exchange -- sharing of oneself -- is one of the rewarding parts of BDSM play. There is still so much more to learn, I know. But I've been able to experience so much through these early positive experiences. I cannot express enough love and gratitude to my friends and the people I've had the good fortune to meet thus far in my travels.
A CYCLONE OF PLAY
In the time since Fringe, we have had occasion to go The Lodge several times. And pretty much every time we go we manage to experience some level of play. But the very first time went after Fringe, there was an exceptional event. What started as a simple flogging from Bruce turned into a group event where Bruce, Ruby, and as many as three others were all topping me in various combinations. I was flogged, spanked, single-tailed, clamped (nipples), and Bruce introduced me to knife play. The most interesting additions this time were the single tail and knives. Having never experienced them, I was still a little concerned that they might be too intense for me. But Bruce was masterful with them. With all the variety of sensations, this was the second time I took flight during play... and stayed there for much longer than my first experience. It was truly intense and released me from the confines of my head. :-)
As we play more, I find I'm truly beginning to bond with this new-found family... and bonding in new ways with old friends. As as these bonds grow, I find myself willing to allow whoever I'm playing with to take me on a journey during play... perhaps farther than i would request if I were trying to negotiate firm limits to what I wanted... but so much more rewarding as a result. From my perspective, I feel as if they reactions and energy I give off during play isn't filtered by all the usual stuff we put up in between us in daily life. There is something more simple, raw, and honest about it. And, as a result, the bonding experience we have during play is that much stronger.
Something else that I remember remarking on during the drive home from this play session is that both times I've flown thus far have resulted in me crying. I guess that part of it might be due to the sheer intensity of the emotion. But I also realize that it's been a very long time in my life since I've cried like this, really felt this kind of intense emotion and connection to other people. I am beginning to wonder if these experiences, and those to come, might help me unlock a part of myself that I've not yet seen or at least haven't experienced in a very long time.
Anyway, what follows is the result of my assignment, which was done in November 2006. Why didn't I post it to LJ at the time? Well, part of me was unsure whether I would have the comfort level to post such things here and I hadn't been on LJ very long at the time. By now, I think it's safe to say I don't filter a whole lot here. And since one of the memories from it was evoked last night, I now feel the urge to make that original work public. Enjoy!
A JOURNEY BEGINS
Any journey of self-discovery brings with it a variety of experiences, each leaving some lasting emotional impression: gratifying, exhilarating, shocking, scary, distasteful, and once in a while when we're lucky, pure bliss. As our experience grows, we bring all of these past experiences forward. They serve as a lens through which future experiences are perceived, build our intuition of situations and people. Over time, we increase our self awareness and open the door to many more possibilities.
Each of us goes through many of these journeys in our lives. For me, one of the most profound was to become fully aware and accepting of my own homosexuality. Some shorten this to simply "coming out," but those who have taken this journey understand that to be just one part of the experience. Over time, though, some of the nuances and wonderment we experience along the way become lost. What I would like to do here is capture some of my experiences as I begin my journey into self-exploration in the context of BDSM. I can't assume these will be interesting or useful to others... but I have had too many experiences where others were curious to hear of my tales of coming out to not believe that someone might find them interesting.
Much like being gay, I am beginning to understand that the energy and fascination around BDSM has been a part of me for a very long time. It is only recently that I've reached a point where I am ready to begin actually exploring it. My earliest flirtations with such play were commingled with normal sexual play. To me it seemed natural that two guys would perhaps play a bit harder and edgier at times... bring out a bit of the animal in them. Of course, there were times that letting this express itself during sex caused some confusion for my partners -- I am a bottom after all, what's with all the growling? I found myself wishing they'd pinch or nibble my nipples harder, or really push me to the edge physically during sex. More often than not, I found many sexual situations not really all that gratifying as a result. It certainly led me toward being attracted to guys who appeared more gruff, burly, and ruggedly masculine -- bears, some would call them.
Sprinkled within these were a few exceptional situations that I still recall fondly, the earliest some 15 years ago now. The animal abandon of a guy chewing on my neck such that one side was entirely bruised for over a week. The first leather bear that did nothing but torture my tits for hours instead of fucking. Being hooded and bound in a sling while a wonderful man fisted me for the first time. At the time, each of these just seemed like more wonderfully deviant play that gay men participated in. It wouldn't be until much later that I would begin to appreciate these as part of BDSM play and that it crosses so many more boundaries than I could have realized then.
FRIENDS AND FLOGGERS
My introduction to a wider range and expression in BDSM came about through two close friends. One has been in the scene for years, but the other is rather new like myself. But we realized that we had a common interest and eventually progressed to the point where we began to play.
My very first public play experience, though, was arranged by our more experienced friend at Edges, a local dungeon. They were having a benefit and demo event, and we'd decided to go and see what some of this was about. Our more experienced friend spoke with one of the dominas giving flogging demonstrations, Courtney, and arranged for her to flog me. Courtney, dressed in her signature pink (yes it IS a dominant color!), broke my flogging cherry. The experience was absolutely amazing.
One of the more amusing aspects to this experience was that none of my friends has ever heard, let alone seen, me play at this point. And they learned that I can indeed get very loud when I'm being stimulated. One friend wondered openly whether the sounds she was hearing meant i was going to cum... all I could do was smile and note that if she thought this was loud then she might have to see me get fucked sometime. :-)
But the thing that this cemented for me in my mind was that indeed I was going to be heading down this road. This by no means was very intense play -- don't get me wrong, Courtney has a vicious swing! -- but at no point did I ever think, "This just isn't working for me."
Another first for me this evening was enjoying electrical play -- violent wand. I didn't know what to expect when we began, and to be sure they went easy on me -- but it was exhilarating. The range and intensity of sensation, and even some of the implements, made it almost as much fun as flogging.
I consider this event my BDSM coming out. And much like anyone newly out, I'm finding that I'm going through a lot of the same social fumbling that I did when I ventured out as a gay man. I am hopeful that, being mindful I'm a newbie, I can focus on increasing my knowledge and awareness of the BDSM community so that I can minimize any headaches I might cause due to ignorance and yet still enjoy myself (and others!).
RECOLLECTIONS FROM FOLSOM FRINGE
Folsom Fringe interestingly fell on the same weekend as my birthday. So naturally we all agreed that we would attend this educational and play event. There were some fun surprises in store, but while we anticipated it's arrival we did manage to get in some practice and play time of our own. This mainly involved flogging practice (on me, of course) and wasn't too intense. But we did get to see and use an incredible private dungeon space of another friend. In fact, through our associations we are beginning to meet many more very cool and fun people in the scene.
When the time for the event actually arrived, I found myself a little anxious and concerned. Was I really ready for it? Had I really become comfortable enough with BDSM myself that I would feel comfortable in such a large semi-public situation? I showed up the evening before the main event began still not sure.
Some of trepidation grew stronger as we dressed and prepared for the first day of the event... partly because I was to be adorned with signboards indicating that it was indeed my birthday and that I might enjoy a spanking; and I would even carry a paddle for such in case it was needed. Would this just make the experience more awkward? After all, here I am a newbie and I'm walking around calling attention to myself? I was a bit uncertain.
As we began to attend seminars and meet people, I realized something that I guess should have been obvious to me. Everyone there, regardless of their experience level, was very accepting and open. Much as i had experienced in coming out as gay, the community shares a common bond that crosses over so many other aspects and concerns of our lives... and I think that both because of that and perhaps also the stigma we all share in having this interest leads us to be even more accepting of one another. I found this tremendously uplifting and energizing.
One thing that is generally true of the newly out is that they go through a kind of adolescent "kid in a candy store" phase... wanting to sample and play with everything and everyone. I can definitely feel this tendency in myself, but I had a bit of help too. Remember those signboards? Well, I totally got into the groove and began offering the paddle I carried with me to anyone who I noticed had read the sign and was amused by the writing. Part of this, i think, was wanting to demonstrate it wasn't just for show, that I really did want to enjoy this as part of my birthday... but i think that it also had to do with my desire to be "out there" ready to experience everything this event had to offer.
The educational events at Fringe were wonderful. Without recounting all of them, I'll just say that this brought home to me how much there is to learn. But it did so in such a way as to foster further interest. I have a strong desire to attend future classes, attend munches, and take part in other activities that will help me better understand and appreciate what BDSM and my fellow perverts who practice it have to offer. And, at some point, I hope to be able to give as well as i get. :-)
But more than just education and play, I found myself really enjoying meeting a whole variety of new people. People who I knew I shared something with and many of which were eager and open to sharing their knowledge and experience. This added so much to my experience of the event as a whole.
COME HERE BIRTHDAY BOY
But there were a few highlights from Fringe that I simply must describe. Upon meeting some really fantastic people, some took keen interest in the fact it was my birthday. And three in particular got the chance to help me ring in my new year. :-)
Courtney, who had previously broken my flogging cherry, was first. And this time, she had the full flogging resources of a rather crowded flogger case one friend had established by the time we attended Fringe, and even added to that very day. I think that, over the course of about 90 minutes, she used pretty much every flogger in that case... several for the very first time they'd been used on anyone. But what was most profound for me in this experience was that it was the very first time I took flight... that I actually got into what I later understood as subspace and got to fully experience an endorphin high.
What I first noticed was that I felt as if I was starting to hear everything through a tunnel or tube -- I was faced away from everyone in the room and had my eyes closed. At this point, I was still pretty noisy. But then I felt myself draw even further away... not so much inward as outside. This was the point where I realized something very startling to me: I'd stopped making any kind of noise, and became very focused on my breathing (moderate pace, and deep). It wasn't too long before I can remember hearing others comment on my silence. I also noticed that I wasn't really feeling as much of the force of the floggers -- even when Courtney slapped by back with an open hand I didn't feel it much.
It was about this time that I heard someone -- I think Courtney -- comment that there was a little blood coming up on my back. And I think I heard someone say something about having alcohol. And then I felt something wet spray onto my back. I later learned that they indeed did spray my back with alcohol... but if they hadn't actually said it I wouldn't have known. There was no sting, almost no sensation at all. Courtney resumed play, and i think was striking me even harder now that she'd decided on one or two favorites from the toy chest.
Not too much longer from that point, I felt another change come upon me. At first I wondered if I was becoming nauseous, light headed, or passing out. What did happen was that I experienced a growing surge of emotion. There was nothing specific about it. Being hit with the floggers didn't affect it... it just felt like a tide coming in. At first, I adjusted my breathing to try and counter it. But then I thought, "what if this is just part of the experience? Why stop it?" So, I let my breathing return to normal and let the emotion flood over me. That was when I began to cry, and to the extent my breathing didn't interrupt it I could feel myself sobbing. I felt no stress, no pain. Except for the voices I could hear from what seemed like a great distance, I was completely lost in the tide. I can't be certain of how long this lasted, but I think it was about 5 or 10 minutes.
Courtney did notice my state and since we hadn't played but twice together -- my first two real BDSM experiences, honestly -- she decided it was time to bring me down. Although there must have been a dozen people in the room at that point, the only person I could see was Courtney. She and I never really got to talk about it -- I hope that we do at some point -- but all the emotion I was feeling -- that she helped me to experience -- had a tremendous bonding effect for me. Without any hesitation I held her and rested my head on her as the tide began to ebb. Any self-consciousness I might have normally had about standing fully naked in room of people I'd only just begun to get to know, openly crying in front of them, and directing such strong emotion to a woman was non-existent. In fact, the very first words I can remember being able to speak once the scene ended were "Thank you", and even then I think it was only a whisper.
The second noteworthy experience I had was with AJ, who spanked me. Being the lovely, twisted man that he is, he also made me count and tried a few headgames on me to see if I'd lose count during the scene. I think I managed OK, and the experience was wonderful. Spanking is still pretty intense for me, so I'm not sure whether I could manage to get into subspace with this play. But I enjoyed it just the same. :-)
Finally, I met Mistress Ruby... who wanted to help me ring in the new year with a spanking as well. We negotiated for a bit beforehand and I shared with her some of my trepidation at intense spanking (e.g. caning). And while she delivered a very intense spanking that I enjoyed thoroughly, I also realized that she honored the things we'd spoken about beforehand. This was really profound for me, because it was an example where I felt I could explore boundaries and understand that there could be limits, too.
But above all, the thing I found wonderful and common to all the play experiences I had at Fringe was that there was an incredible sharing of personal energy. That each partner in play gives and receives energy from the other. For me, this kind of energy exchange -- sharing of oneself -- is one of the rewarding parts of BDSM play. There is still so much more to learn, I know. But I've been able to experience so much through these early positive experiences. I cannot express enough love and gratitude to my friends and the people I've had the good fortune to meet thus far in my travels.
A CYCLONE OF PLAY
In the time since Fringe, we have had occasion to go The Lodge several times. And pretty much every time we go we manage to experience some level of play. But the very first time went after Fringe, there was an exceptional event. What started as a simple flogging from Bruce turned into a group event where Bruce, Ruby, and as many as three others were all topping me in various combinations. I was flogged, spanked, single-tailed, clamped (nipples), and Bruce introduced me to knife play. The most interesting additions this time were the single tail and knives. Having never experienced them, I was still a little concerned that they might be too intense for me. But Bruce was masterful with them. With all the variety of sensations, this was the second time I took flight during play... and stayed there for much longer than my first experience. It was truly intense and released me from the confines of my head. :-)
As we play more, I find I'm truly beginning to bond with this new-found family... and bonding in new ways with old friends. As as these bonds grow, I find myself willing to allow whoever I'm playing with to take me on a journey during play... perhaps farther than i would request if I were trying to negotiate firm limits to what I wanted... but so much more rewarding as a result. From my perspective, I feel as if they reactions and energy I give off during play isn't filtered by all the usual stuff we put up in between us in daily life. There is something more simple, raw, and honest about it. And, as a result, the bonding experience we have during play is that much stronger.
Something else that I remember remarking on during the drive home from this play session is that both times I've flown thus far have resulted in me crying. I guess that part of it might be due to the sheer intensity of the emotion. But I also realize that it's been a very long time in my life since I've cried like this, really felt this kind of intense emotion and connection to other people. I am beginning to wonder if these experiences, and those to come, might help me unlock a part of myself that I've not yet seen or at least haven't experienced in a very long time.