Pleasant Day Turns Sour
After spending a lovely time over dinner and some cuddling with Mike last Saturday (before going to that evening's party) I was really looking forward to spending a good deal of today with him. I got a bit of a slow start and didn't wind up getting some of the chores done that I had wanted to. But I got the place tidied up a bit and was ready for Mike's arrival around noon.
We hung out for a while, petted, talked... it was a rather enjoyable time. Around 2pm we decided to go grab some lunch. Mike took my California Pizza Kitchen cherry -- no, I'd really never been to one before today -- we munched happily and talked more. I was thankful that the volume of the din was fairly high because we didn't have to worry about filtering our conversation at all. I rather enjoyed his touchiness in public, and I did take note of some other people noticing us. It's been a long time since I've been with someone who is so unabashedly open and I really enjoyed it.
After lunch I had to go check on a friend's cat I'm watching this weekend. While doing that, we discussed plans for later, which was a birthday party for a friend who's a member of a group Mike is involved with -- it's a kink focus, but one I don't want to divulge here. There were a few items Mike needed to retrieve from home before we went, so we agreed he'd drive his car up and we'd head to the party together.
The party was marvelous. I met some really fabulous people, got to have some discussions about things gay, kink, etc -- incl giving some newbies pointers to resources to start with as they begin their exploration. I /also/ ran into two folks who have already crossed over into the BDSM world, and we recognized each other from the Palo Alto Munch -- wow!. What was also very cool for me -- a first at any kink focused event so far -- is that there was a very large number of gay men at the party. Kink, gay, and NOT leather? It was eye opening and lovely.
As the evening drew on, it became apparent that Mike was really enjoying the drink. Being new to this group of people, I was behaving myself and so I offered that I would take Mike's keys and plan to drive us back -- to my place, since I had no way of getting home on my own... my car being nestled in at home. I also learned that we'd be giving a friend of his who lived near to him a ride home later.
The evening ambled on but then I began to realize, with some alarm, that Mike had quickly reached a point of intoxication where we were going to have to end the evening earlier than planned. He was losing control and needed help walking. After a difficult scene in the bathroom -- which included him wanting to blow me and me doing my level best to keep him on track to get dressed and make our way to the door -- I found his friend and notified him that we were going to have to be leaving very soon. I was extremely mortified at having to make this call, but it was apparent to everyone (including the hosts) that he really needed to be taken home.
A couple of us got him to the car, and I took a quick look at the driving directions we'd used to get to the party from Newark and relied upon Mike's friend and these for directions to get his friend home. It wasn't long after we got underway when the drunken rambling began. It was mostly harmless, the sort of stream of consciousness that just bubbles out in such situations. And then it happened... that well of emotions from a place far back into my childhood opened up. I knew where it was coming from -- all those memories of growing up in the chaos of a household with an alcoholic parent. As I continued to drive, the realization struck me that I was going to have to look after him overnight -- partly because I wanted to be sure he was OK and partly because I wanted to be sure I would be able to handle picking up other friends from San Jose airport on Sunday morning.
I quickly realized that I would need to get MIke back to my home so that, whatever happens with him in the morning, I can take care of what I need to regardless of Mike's state. And then a deep sadness swept over me. This person who's company I was enjoying had suddenly reminded me of someone I learned I couldn't trust as a child -- the man who I and my sister had once had to watch wandering naked down the middle of our street with a shotgun, ranting about how he was going to not lose his kids... or the one who had broken several fingers punching a solid fire door one night in a drunken rage. I found myself starting to cry as I drove. Mike's friend was helping to manage him from the back seat, for which I was very greatful. I wasn't entirely sure how I was going to cope with him after we'd dropped his friend off.
About the time we'd dropped off the friend, I also noticed that the car was going to need fuel sometime soon. Not urgent, but noted. I got some directions to get me to Mike's house and we started off again. I steeled myself the best I could because now I would have to handle whatever was going to happen on my own. But as I proceeded, Mike spoke up and started giving directions. And this created such doubt for me that I'd remembered the right way to go that I started following his direction. This completely terrified me. Yes, I knew I could stop, find my way and make it happen. I have the tools, I'm completely capable. But this whole scene had put me in a very vulnerable head space. He did manage to properly direct us to his home, though, for which I was greatful.
At this point, I was having serious thoughts about dropping him into bed there and driving myself home. Yes, this would leave his car at my place and we'd have to work that out tomorrow. But as I shared with him my intention, a desperation welled up in his voice -- "don't leave me". I found myself falling back onto my original plan, which was to take him home and let him drive himself home in the morning. He seemed to be fading fast and I was increasingly worried that I'd have trouble getting him from the car to my apartment... but I pushed on and decided to proceed.
I had a few more flashbacks from growing up on the drive down and sobbed a bit more -- how in the world had I allowed myself to get into this position where I was taking care of Mike and feeling out of control? But I steeled myself again -- more reminders of the genesis of some of the protections I put in place growing up -- and managed to actually talk him through the drive down and keep him alert enough to make the walk to the apartment and got him prepared for bed. I'd made a mental calculation along the way that I would try and land him on the couch so that I could sleep quietly while he slept off his drunkeness. But that too fell aside once I had him home and instead I felt he'd be easier to keep on eye on and would settle down more if I had him in bed beside me.
That /mostly/ worked. But after he settled down some and I got the feeling we were drifting off, he made several attempts at having sex... including some fairly nasty biting, pinching, and other overtures. I knew I was strong enough to hold him off, and eventually he finally got the clue that sex was not going to happen tonight. But I was (am) left with a very unsettled feeling and am sitting here in the darkness of my living room typing this post now. Now that he has had time to drift off, I think I will wander back in and take my place in bed to sleep... but I'm still a lot nervous.
I know that as I think through these feelings that got dregged up tonight, I will come out of this stronger... perhaps even more self-aware. I will want to sort through some of this to share at the next subspace -- I now feel the need to make time for this even though I'll be picking up mom from the airport on the very afternoon of the next meeting. I know these sorts of triggers are very powerful... but I'm left with a very unsettled and scared feeling that I had a situation like this surpirse me in the way that it did.
Either way, I know I need to have a serious talk with Mike tomorrow. I don't know how much he'll remember of the evening, but I need to make it clear that I need some time and space to process through this. I expect that this will very likely require me to terminate any possibility of dating him in the future, and open the door to just a friendship. Based on some of the rambling I don't expect him to take this well, but I simply don't think I have any alternative.