Conversation Tag
After picking up Mike (different one) & Karen from the airport and spending some time with them -- they invited me to lunch but I really needed some quiet time to reflect on events -- I headed home around 3. I wound up exchanging SMS'es and phone calls with Shadow, Courtney, and Sue. Had some good discussion time and feedback. I went to visit Sue for a bit and later she, Shadow, and I hooked up for dinner. It was a nice time and we recapped the whole Saturday scene again. Nothing new really came up in the conversation, but I could feel myself more at ease with talking about it and gaining perspective I didn't necessarily feel I had overnight and this morning. I am very thankful for my friends in and outside the community... and I strive always to be there for them as much as they are for me.
During all this time, I hadn't actually gotten back online (email, IM, etc). I did hear from Mike after 7PM via SMS, asking whether I'd be online and available to talk. The openness of the inquiry led me to think he'd seen my earlier post. And, upon getting home tonight, I signed on and found the following offline message waiting for me in IM.
Friendship is fine, I should have watched about drinking. If you need to talk at some point let me know. I was gonna do chicken this week but you need your space and thats fine. And I did get a ribbing from my roomies. You should have just taken the car back to my house. I would have figured a way to get it.
So it seems the Mike did check my blog and found my post from early Sunday morning. I left the post open to the public with the understanding that this might happen. I wrote it as honestly as I could, and to not hold back what was going on in my head at the time. I responded in IM with the following, which I'm sure Mike won't see until the morning but I wanted to get it out there so that I could clarify some of the things I was thinking but didn't really spell out in the earlier post.
I just got home from dinner and visiting with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. I do wish we'd had a chance to talk before you saw the post, but it does say what was going through my mind early in the morning when I posted it. I want you to know that I don't blame you for my decisions... those I made based on my own desire to do the right thing. But this situation triggered a lot of old memories/baggage for me and it's just something I can't let myself get drawn into. I would be very open to talking more about this, online, on the phone, or in person. Above all, I did actually care about you and wanted to make sure as much as I could you that were OK. But I have to watch out for myself too.
Also, do not in any way let this affect what events you attend. I don't know that I'd be doing chicken of my own accord, unless I started as a guest of someone else who regularly attends. We live in an somewhat insular community and I suspect that we may randomly run into each other from time to time. That is OK. You are actually OK. I just cannot have someone close to me who is not in control and with whom I don't feel safe. And in those moments where I knew that you weren't fully aware of how hard you were biting, pulling on my hair, or getting rough with me, I actually did become a bit concerned for my safety. That was part of the reason I moved to the other room.
I would like to discuss this further, if only to help you understand where I was coming from emotionally and mentally. Doing this during work hours might be a bit too much, but certainly in the evenings would be fine. I hope you're feeling better than you were this morning with the headache...
Well, that's all for now. I do actually feel I am in a better space than I was this morning. Being able to spend time talking and visiting with friends helped so much. Thank you all. *HUGS* I still have some processing to do, and perhaps some follow-up with Mike. But as much as it was a bit difficult to go through I feel it has help expose some new perspectives for me on old issues, and that it may help me further understand where I'm going on my journey.
During all this time, I hadn't actually gotten back online (email, IM, etc). I did hear from Mike after 7PM via SMS, asking whether I'd be online and available to talk. The openness of the inquiry led me to think he'd seen my earlier post. And, upon getting home tonight, I signed on and found the following offline message waiting for me in IM.
Friendship is fine, I should have watched about drinking. If you need to talk at some point let me know. I was gonna do chicken this week but you need your space and thats fine. And I did get a ribbing from my roomies. You should have just taken the car back to my house. I would have figured a way to get it.
So it seems the Mike did check my blog and found my post from early Sunday morning. I left the post open to the public with the understanding that this might happen. I wrote it as honestly as I could, and to not hold back what was going on in my head at the time. I responded in IM with the following, which I'm sure Mike won't see until the morning but I wanted to get it out there so that I could clarify some of the things I was thinking but didn't really spell out in the earlier post.
I just got home from dinner and visiting with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. I do wish we'd had a chance to talk before you saw the post, but it does say what was going through my mind early in the morning when I posted it. I want you to know that I don't blame you for my decisions... those I made based on my own desire to do the right thing. But this situation triggered a lot of old memories/baggage for me and it's just something I can't let myself get drawn into. I would be very open to talking more about this, online, on the phone, or in person. Above all, I did actually care about you and wanted to make sure as much as I could you that were OK. But I have to watch out for myself too.
Also, do not in any way let this affect what events you attend. I don't know that I'd be doing chicken of my own accord, unless I started as a guest of someone else who regularly attends. We live in an somewhat insular community and I suspect that we may randomly run into each other from time to time. That is OK. You are actually OK. I just cannot have someone close to me who is not in control and with whom I don't feel safe. And in those moments where I knew that you weren't fully aware of how hard you were biting, pulling on my hair, or getting rough with me, I actually did become a bit concerned for my safety. That was part of the reason I moved to the other room.
I would like to discuss this further, if only to help you understand where I was coming from emotionally and mentally. Doing this during work hours might be a bit too much, but certainly in the evenings would be fine. I hope you're feeling better than you were this morning with the headache...
Well, that's all for now. I do actually feel I am in a better space than I was this morning. Being able to spend time talking and visiting with friends helped so much. Thank you all. *HUGS* I still have some processing to do, and perhaps some follow-up with Mike. But as much as it was a bit difficult to go through I feel it has help expose some new perspectives for me on old issues, and that it may help me further understand where I'm going on my journey.