It's been three years but youre still fresh in our minds..........
so i have been reading through some of my most recent entries which span over the last three years as I do not update this thing at all. But its good to have these entries they remind me of things that I have done and feelings that I have felt that were so powerful that words couldn't accurately describe them. I have also noticed a maturity within myself reading some of my thoughts only a few short years ago. A lot of my demeanor is the same and I am afraid the fuck you attitude is never going to go away, but I don't think that I am as naive as I was then. I don't know... who knows in another three years when I am writing about how this entry sounds fucking retarded and immature I will feel different, but for now.... yeah.....
So i read the entries regarding David and I am man enough to say that they evoked a strong emotion. I cried, he was a great friend and I think that I will always have a hole in my heart knowing that if he were here today my life would be better just because he was in it. I blame him for my willingness to smoke marijuana lol.... I went all of highschool without smoking and he got me high like 3 times when we all started playing poker together. Great times..... I thought about Florida the other day and how David was dared by Joe (who is also now deceased) to jump off of the roof into the swimming pool that was definately 8 feet deep. I would never have done it, but David, the fucker, climbs up there with no questions asked and jumps! So Johnny has to prove himself because Johnny at that time was our "Alpha Male" friend. So he jumps!! Well David couldn't leave it alone so he decided to start doing crazy ass flips OFF OF THE ROOF INTO THE POOL.... yeah he was amazing... I remember having long talks with him when all the other guys were sleeping or back at the hotel. He would tell me about Holly and how they were always on and off, but how much he enjoyed her company and I would tell him about whatever crazy thoughts ran through my mind at that time. It all seems so long ago, like I am living a second life now. I am pretty much married to Courtney, No ring, but if she weren't here I wouldn't be able to survive financially, or emotionally. As much as I want to stab her in the jugular sometimes I find that she truly make me happy and even when I am pissed at her I try to think of all the stupid shit that I have put her through and that I will put her through as I am finding out that I am quite an idiot sometimes. But hey!!! thats life right!? But Courtney is not the only reason why this feels like a second life.... This is the first time in my life when I have not abundantly socialized with large groups. In highschool, middleschool, college...... I talked to everyone ALL THE TIME. But now... my best friends are almost complete strangers.... Martín is married and I rarely see him and that sucks.. I legitimately miss sleeping over his house and just talking through the night.... until we reached that point where Martín would start a sentence and finish it with a snore. He was always the first one to sleep and I was always content laying on the floor listening to their house. lol... what am I supposed to do now!? Tell Lacey to back up off my man jk jk jk..... And then there is Johnny. Johnny who? Johnny Kidd remember him? Johnny got married to a girl that to me seems controlling or at least she seemed that way when we all still hung out. He has a kid of his own now and makes no attempt to see us. I know that because I am not a parent I will never fully understand the pressures of parenthood, but man we were all so close. NONE OF US should have allowed that to fade away. I almost screamed FIRE at work the other day just to be young again... and it made me think of him. Also missing from our arsenal of friends is Emily. She is the only one of the few I have mentioned to contact me instead of vice versa. And I like talking to her on that once in a while basis, it makes me long for the connection that we had in the beginning, but remember the torment that we caused to one another later on. I was always the "let it happen" sometimes overly crazy and abnoxious fun guy that did stupid shit (not much different now) and she was always the one to try to control every little detail of her surroundings and the people that surrounded her. It didn't mesh well and I think everyone suffered because of our Love Hate relationship. I think her and Amanda had a similar falling out, but I do not know the details in that battel nor would I want to put them down in my words instead of theirs. But on a much happier note! BRANDON!!!! Brandon is my running buddy. Who would have guessed? When we went to FL I pretty much made a vow that if I got the opportunity to capture his soul in a bottle and throw matches at it, I would! But almost 4 years later he is my best friend. I think there is a level of maturity in our relationship and more respect than before, on both parts. I think he is less of an angry kid and I am less of a flake, so the combination is like ying and yang, david and golliath (only instead of killing each other were going to battle via Mario Soccer!!!). I spend a lot of time with B and we rarely have long DEEP conversations but we always chat. I enjoy being able to make him laugh... as homo as that sounds(sometimes i grab his ass, too though so maybe there is more to that). And I enjoy having someone to call up and be like "dude, i am bored! we should set fire to teddy bears" and him be like "THAT is the greatest fucking Idea i have EVER heard" see..... Thats friendship! Last but definately not least there is Amanda. What can I say about Amanda that isn't already known. We have never had a falling out, we have always consistently talked to one another, she lives with B now so its like a fucking MIND ORGY to go over there and hang out (like buy one get one free), and she lets me do all the ANAL FISTING I desire. What a friend! No, I love Amanda she is our gatekeeper. She has the longest memory of us and she remembers to remind me about remembering the memories that I don't remember. Thats how fucking cool she is! And she is also loving enough to honor things like David's life which we are celebrating tomorrow with poker and Mario Soccer and lots of booze! Although the booze part isn't consistent with what we did when we had our "Thursdays" with David its still one hell of an addition. Well I think this is a good stopping point... as much as I know I won't keep up with it, I would like to start writing in this thing again. Its a good release, otherwise life is like a neverending handjob, eventually someone is getting arthritis.
Goodnight all who still use this site,
TJ