architectural relationships... and the rebuilding of ones self
so reading through everyones ljs i realize what everyone else realizes... things are changing and life is just overall a negative slope.... i hope this recession doesnt last.... i dont think i will be able to take it much longer... im scared of who i am becoming... ive said things that i promised myself id never say.... done things i said id never do... and mostly.... given up on things that ive given up so much to get.... i dont know whats happening... i have been in a good mood for the past few days... but still there is an underlining sadness about my way... i work and work and work... and it just seems like im on a fucking treadmill.... im running so fast but i look around and im in the same position... i cant take it... i want to quit my job... think about living off the fruit of the land... id get away from humanity if i could... id write my journals in the sand with a stick... only to see my bad thoughts wash away by the rising tide... itd be great except for the fact that i hate coconuts... and i imagine there would be coconuts there.... but i could live with that.... cause id be struggling to survive.... i wouldnt b struggling to just be... as i am doing now... i dont know if any of that makes sense.... and really i dont care... what i do care about... or at least what i should care about.... is patching up the wrongs that ive done to people over the transition of me being happy tj to me becoming asshole tj.... slowly im trying.... for instance me and paula talked on the phone for 2 hrs the other night about stupid things... and it was the best convo ive had with her since we had convos about planes and her dreams when we were young and in love.... you laugh at that... "young and in love" "hes 19 for fucksake" i feel so old./.. so useless... so unwanted by everyone... when i know its not true (for everyone).... i dont know i guess i relate to courtney's entry where she says something about a smaller more vulnerable person inside just waiting to ruin the day... i really dont remember what she said exactly... and that is close enough for me...
on a good note... like i said me and paula have actually been commuticating... instead of using words as weapons... or just not using them at all.... were taking baby steps to repair what once was.... a friendship that would make the gods jealous.....
on another good note ive been spending a lot of time with a few people i really miss in my life.... ive been out with martín almost every night... its great... just like old times... having fun... being mischievous... and best of all being ourselves........ also ive been seeing a lot of linz and her family... i love her family... im so comfortable i use cuss words without even thinking about it... i really should think about it... cause it is disrespectful... but they just seem like some of my friends... not my friends parents........ i miss linz... a lot... she was my guiding light for a long while... and then i lost her to those sons of bitches in NY... they didnt know what they had... but fuck them now... cause shes mine..... mwahahahahahaha..... and courtney.... its so great to see courtney.... it seems like our friendship dwindled... but it seems to be getting back on track... she was the only girl that i dated in that years worth of lost relationships that i actually like... and i kind of prematurely ended that on a chance of happiness once lost....
i dunno.... i havent hung out with B in a while... but he calls me every now and then i do the same for him... or ill go up and see him at work.... or vice versa.... i miss hanging out with amanda and emily... we were carefree freshamn year... we had out petty differences... but we always loved each other... lately that love seems to be a little harder to find between some of us.... i talked to amanda the other day before me and paula split and she gave me some good old loving advice... and hugged me... and we cried.... it was great.... im such a FAG! lol..... but emily... hell i havent talked to her outside of bowling for quite some time.... and when i do... one of us is being shrewd to other for what ever the reason may be... it seems like my good days fall on her bad days and her bad days fall on my good days.... so that means while one is easily annoyed... the other is easily annoying... which seems to be the case in a few things in my life.... me and paula didnt last because 1) i struggle to forgive where i know it isnt my place to condemn... 2) i was so easily annoyed by everythging because of this stupid obsession with the past and how it cant be changed and how love was tainted and then mixed up and found again only to be lost then somewhat found only to be somewhat lost once again... only to be slowly rebuilt... which is the current faze were in..... and thats me.... for now....
but i do have a proposal... since i know a lot of people were looking forward to camping as well as warped tour.... why dont we have some kind of slumber party... everyone can sleep at my house... i dont care.... i think itd be fun as hell though..... let me know by making a comment.... we can all decide when and where and th details together rather than setting a date and writing it in stone.... it doesnt have to be soon or even later.... we can decide... but well never get anywhere if we dont talk.... so respond... and ill love... you.... and ....... if you have big boobs........ Me Love You Long Time!... no not really... im more of a medium breast kind of guy.... but i like emilys boobs... they are comfy... lindsey would have to agree!!!!
good night all... and despite what the last words to you i said were... i love you regaurdless.... im going to try to become more of a supporting person.... but it will take some time... be patient with me.... cause i need postive to be positive..... ::muah::
on a good note... like i said me and paula have actually been commuticating... instead of using words as weapons... or just not using them at all.... were taking baby steps to repair what once was.... a friendship that would make the gods jealous.....
on another good note ive been spending a lot of time with a few people i really miss in my life.... ive been out with martín almost every night... its great... just like old times... having fun... being mischievous... and best of all being ourselves........ also ive been seeing a lot of linz and her family... i love her family... im so comfortable i use cuss words without even thinking about it... i really should think about it... cause it is disrespectful... but they just seem like some of my friends... not my friends parents........ i miss linz... a lot... she was my guiding light for a long while... and then i lost her to those sons of bitches in NY... they didnt know what they had... but fuck them now... cause shes mine..... mwahahahahahaha..... and courtney.... its so great to see courtney.... it seems like our friendship dwindled... but it seems to be getting back on track... she was the only girl that i dated in that years worth of lost relationships that i actually like... and i kind of prematurely ended that on a chance of happiness once lost....
i dunno.... i havent hung out with B in a while... but he calls me every now and then i do the same for him... or ill go up and see him at work.... or vice versa.... i miss hanging out with amanda and emily... we were carefree freshamn year... we had out petty differences... but we always loved each other... lately that love seems to be a little harder to find between some of us.... i talked to amanda the other day before me and paula split and she gave me some good old loving advice... and hugged me... and we cried.... it was great.... im such a FAG! lol..... but emily... hell i havent talked to her outside of bowling for quite some time.... and when i do... one of us is being shrewd to other for what ever the reason may be... it seems like my good days fall on her bad days and her bad days fall on my good days.... so that means while one is easily annoyed... the other is easily annoying... which seems to be the case in a few things in my life.... me and paula didnt last because 1) i struggle to forgive where i know it isnt my place to condemn... 2) i was so easily annoyed by everythging because of this stupid obsession with the past and how it cant be changed and how love was tainted and then mixed up and found again only to be lost then somewhat found only to be somewhat lost once again... only to be slowly rebuilt... which is the current faze were in..... and thats me.... for now....
but i do have a proposal... since i know a lot of people were looking forward to camping as well as warped tour.... why dont we have some kind of slumber party... everyone can sleep at my house... i dont care.... i think itd be fun as hell though..... let me know by making a comment.... we can all decide when and where and th details together rather than setting a date and writing it in stone.... it doesnt have to be soon or even later.... we can decide... but well never get anywhere if we dont talk.... so respond... and ill love... you.... and ....... if you have big boobs........ Me Love You Long Time!... no not really... im more of a medium breast kind of guy.... but i like emilys boobs... they are comfy... lindsey would have to agree!!!!
good night all... and despite what the last words to you i said were... i love you regaurdless.... im going to try to become more of a supporting person.... but it will take some time... be patient with me.... cause i need postive to be positive..... ::muah::