Lessons I've Learned/ Flakiness
Things have been pretty fucking normal. Which I think is a good thing. After this talk with a few people and especially with Kristi I have learned a few things about myself.
1. I over analyze things (something I figured out about myself)
2. I take things and myself so seriously (a few people but Kristi finally brought it to my full attention)
3. There is only so much you can expect from people and do to persuade them. (All of the above).
Okay Okay I know I should have known these things before and I did know that but didn't realize it all till now. I think I am actually taking some of Kristi's heart to heart we had the other day to heart. Usually I freak out and keep doing the same stupid shit. But it hit me when she said it. So lately I have been trying to do this thing where I take it day by day because right now I am not going to get what I want. I want so much out of my life and the future but its going to take time and I forever so to speak.
I will always be my own worse enemy.
I try to get something accomplished a day if not I work as much as physically possible because I need to pay off my debt bad. I need to get that out of my life ASAP. Plus I started to like work because it takes my mind of what I need to do and phone calls I am not getting or what I am not doing. But good news is that I am getting a promotion soon as a result. But I look forward to a few things...many one thing big a week. Mostly concerts or friends I want to see. I am kind of tame now yet not because I just want so much more out of life and I am afraid to speak my mind anymore like I got used to doing. I think that rebellion is always going to burning inside. As fucked up as it sounds when I was depressed I was pissed off and had this anger and I felt like I could do or say anything but it never result in anything good at the time. But I felt like the world had to listen to what I had to say. I miss that small part. I have been thinking about starting a good cause or trying to make a change....making a difference. Like making someone shitty life better. I thought about bugging Starbucks about recycling programs because I think they waste a lot. Or doing some letters to Congressman like an old crazy man or something. LOL.
But the one thing I can't understand about people or myself is how self involved they are. I mean yes of course its about you most of the time but sometimes dammit get it through your head there are out there too!! BLAH. Like unreturned phone calls or saying hey maybe I will show up shit. I can name a few people. Okay I will save the best for last. First Matt. He used to call me all the time. Which was cool because I wanted to catch up with him. I thought maybe things were going to be good. Now he calls at random and I tell him too. I am so confused as hell. Does he like me? What does he want? All these questions going through my mind and finally when I to talk to him its only for a bit and he has to leave and I never quite get into what I want to say. Or he calls when I am working and he doesn't know that and that’s no ones fault but it sucks. Lots of questions there.
Alex. Still haven't hung out with and he messages me and says he wants to hang out. Which is good. But it always turns out to be weird times but who knows right? But I invited him out the other night and he said he would let me know and that didn't happen. Still confused.
On another note I finally hung out with Eric. Took him to drink with the circle at the duplex. It was finally cool to hang out with him. What’s crazy is like he is almost just exactly like me(what a scary thought huh?). What a small world. I am just trying to be a nice southern girl and show him Texas and FINALLY someone who wants to go to punk rock shows!!!
Last but not least Nathan Gonzales. Okay this boy I have been chasing like it’s a fucking hide and seek game. I say this because sometime we see each other and then he disappears. This has been going on for a month now. I told myself that I don't play games and here I am playing. I honestly gave up earlier this week. Cold turkey. I was thinking I want a guy to pursue me because I always at least react back unlike most chicks so its far right? Plus phones work both ways. All the shit I could tell myself right. But fucking aye leave it to the universe to drive me crazy. Like weird stuff on TV like he was telling me I should watch sports like basketball one time. Especially the Bulls. Anyway a couple mornings ago I turn on the TV first thing on the fucking Bulls game. I was fuck. Change channel. Then there was the song in the store. I have been avoiding the song that reminds me of him because I hate to listen to songs that remind me of certain people. Many songs have been ruined for me might I add. Anyway shopping with Grace and Vijay I heard it and I was like dammit again. But I brushed it off because I am crazy. Anyway three nights later I had a dream about him. So real, I could see his face and I feel his hands and I was happy. I work up and I was confused. I hate dreams sometimes because they fuck with you like this one. I wrote him off because the last thing I want is me chasing after someone that doesn't want me like what I did with Leslie. So I thought about it for a few days. I said dammit I don't think he means to be this way he is just fucking so scatterbrained. So I picked up the phone and called. He actually answered too. I was caught off guard and he was asking me what I was doing? Totally caught off guard I said nothing and let’s hang out. Yeah he was suppose to call and never did. Am I that surprised. No. Do I have a sign on my forehead that says blow me off. Yes. And I can't seem to wash it off.
Its like the same situation, different people. Some worse than others. I am officially asexual. Cut me in half and I'll reproduce with myself.
So my newfound self is going to let Nathan what’s on my mind. Yes in letter form because I am not that well spoken when it comes to getting points across verbally because I get nervous and forget my points and its a mess. And hopefully I will talk to the others. Shit even Sarah won't call my ass back!!!! Shit she's going to hear it too! I swear I am going to make a list and start knocking on some doors. I wonder sometimes when we have the technology as a society to have cellular phones and yet don't know what to do them?
Or many I am just over analyzing the situation.
1. I over analyze things (something I figured out about myself)
2. I take things and myself so seriously (a few people but Kristi finally brought it to my full attention)
3. There is only so much you can expect from people and do to persuade them. (All of the above).
Okay Okay I know I should have known these things before and I did know that but didn't realize it all till now. I think I am actually taking some of Kristi's heart to heart we had the other day to heart. Usually I freak out and keep doing the same stupid shit. But it hit me when she said it. So lately I have been trying to do this thing where I take it day by day because right now I am not going to get what I want. I want so much out of my life and the future but its going to take time and I forever so to speak.
I will always be my own worse enemy.
I try to get something accomplished a day if not I work as much as physically possible because I need to pay off my debt bad. I need to get that out of my life ASAP. Plus I started to like work because it takes my mind of what I need to do and phone calls I am not getting or what I am not doing. But good news is that I am getting a promotion soon as a result. But I look forward to a few things...many one thing big a week. Mostly concerts or friends I want to see. I am kind of tame now yet not because I just want so much more out of life and I am afraid to speak my mind anymore like I got used to doing. I think that rebellion is always going to burning inside. As fucked up as it sounds when I was depressed I was pissed off and had this anger and I felt like I could do or say anything but it never result in anything good at the time. But I felt like the world had to listen to what I had to say. I miss that small part. I have been thinking about starting a good cause or trying to make a change....making a difference. Like making someone shitty life better. I thought about bugging Starbucks about recycling programs because I think they waste a lot. Or doing some letters to Congressman like an old crazy man or something. LOL.
But the one thing I can't understand about people or myself is how self involved they are. I mean yes of course its about you most of the time but sometimes dammit get it through your head there are out there too!! BLAH. Like unreturned phone calls or saying hey maybe I will show up shit. I can name a few people. Okay I will save the best for last. First Matt. He used to call me all the time. Which was cool because I wanted to catch up with him. I thought maybe things were going to be good. Now he calls at random and I tell him too. I am so confused as hell. Does he like me? What does he want? All these questions going through my mind and finally when I to talk to him its only for a bit and he has to leave and I never quite get into what I want to say. Or he calls when I am working and he doesn't know that and that’s no ones fault but it sucks. Lots of questions there.
Alex. Still haven't hung out with and he messages me and says he wants to hang out. Which is good. But it always turns out to be weird times but who knows right? But I invited him out the other night and he said he would let me know and that didn't happen. Still confused.
On another note I finally hung out with Eric. Took him to drink with the circle at the duplex. It was finally cool to hang out with him. What’s crazy is like he is almost just exactly like me(what a scary thought huh?). What a small world. I am just trying to be a nice southern girl and show him Texas and FINALLY someone who wants to go to punk rock shows!!!
Last but not least Nathan Gonzales. Okay this boy I have been chasing like it’s a fucking hide and seek game. I say this because sometime we see each other and then he disappears. This has been going on for a month now. I told myself that I don't play games and here I am playing. I honestly gave up earlier this week. Cold turkey. I was thinking I want a guy to pursue me because I always at least react back unlike most chicks so its far right? Plus phones work both ways. All the shit I could tell myself right. But fucking aye leave it to the universe to drive me crazy. Like weird stuff on TV like he was telling me I should watch sports like basketball one time. Especially the Bulls. Anyway a couple mornings ago I turn on the TV first thing on the fucking Bulls game. I was fuck. Change channel. Then there was the song in the store. I have been avoiding the song that reminds me of him because I hate to listen to songs that remind me of certain people. Many songs have been ruined for me might I add. Anyway shopping with Grace and Vijay I heard it and I was like dammit again. But I brushed it off because I am crazy. Anyway three nights later I had a dream about him. So real, I could see his face and I feel his hands and I was happy. I work up and I was confused. I hate dreams sometimes because they fuck with you like this one. I wrote him off because the last thing I want is me chasing after someone that doesn't want me like what I did with Leslie. So I thought about it for a few days. I said dammit I don't think he means to be this way he is just fucking so scatterbrained. So I picked up the phone and called. He actually answered too. I was caught off guard and he was asking me what I was doing? Totally caught off guard I said nothing and let’s hang out. Yeah he was suppose to call and never did. Am I that surprised. No. Do I have a sign on my forehead that says blow me off. Yes. And I can't seem to wash it off.
Its like the same situation, different people. Some worse than others. I am officially asexual. Cut me in half and I'll reproduce with myself.
So my newfound self is going to let Nathan what’s on my mind. Yes in letter form because I am not that well spoken when it comes to getting points across verbally because I get nervous and forget my points and its a mess. And hopefully I will talk to the others. Shit even Sarah won't call my ass back!!!! Shit she's going to hear it too! I swear I am going to make a list and start knocking on some doors. I wonder sometimes when we have the technology as a society to have cellular phones and yet don't know what to do them?
Or many I am just over analyzing the situation.