The one true love of my life.
Here I am again on sleeping pills(melanotin) and trying to write a blog before I pass out. Its a weird sick thing I do to challenge myself I guess.
Today was one of the most boring days of my life. I was stuck in the house all day long. I did almost every chore possible. I called a few people and I went to discuss an abum I might be mixing with this dude Billy I met.
But what I realized that if you strip everything away there is a few things that I am really about and love. I spent all day listening to my records. Mostly an Anti-Flag and a Dead Kennedys album. But it was inspiring today because I am so fucking depressed. It was like I remember that girl I used to be. I made crazy clothes, slammed in pits, and all I cared was getting to go to the show that weekend. I worked all the time just to afford that habit alone. I think about how angry at the world I was and how I was going to change it.
I remember exactly how I sold out. I know thats weird. But a couple weeks ago I was looking for my Fat Wreckcords shirt and I couldn't think what I did with it. Till a few days ago I sold it to Buffalo Exchange because I was afraid of the state of what the people in my community have become. Like the dirty fucking looks I got from old people and the shit I got talked to because its an anti-bush shirt.
But upon reflection that was stupid of me. What is going to change if I am going to censor myself? But the only good thing that has come out of this is that I have realized that I think that part of me is back.I don't give a fuck like I did. I don't know why I did in the first place?? I don't know happened but thank god its gone.
When I was talking to Kristi the other night she said that I should not worry about things so much and worry about a day to day kind of thing. And thats what I am excited about. I am going to see one of my favorite bands and gonna start being the person I want to be. I am returning home. I am thinking about starting up some projects maybe a zine dedicated to a cause and things punk rock. Shit I seem to have all the time in the world now. I am going to the person I used to be kind of. The girl wanted to be Debra Harry at 15 and yelled out car windows and yet had great talks with craft ladies at Hobby Lobby about sewing. I want that girl back. I miss my spirit.
Also tonight when I was listening the only punk rock hour they have on the radio ever, Complete Control, they played the Damned and talked about the show coming up and it made me smile. Then I was singing NOFX on the top of my lungs and it felt so great.
I feel really lost lately and I don't know why the things that are happening to me are happening. I kind of thought today maybe to get back to where I was about 5 years ago.
I have been staying home most nights now. I haven't been out drinking because something has changed in me. I am almost tempted to be staright edge again but I will break eventually so whats the point if I know that. Sorry if I haven't been around I am just not sure if I feel like this that I should be drinking.
Plus Friday I went to Vicci's and I got trashed because I waited and didn't drink for a two weeks. So by then I was excited and it was VIP and we had a blast and I saw Mickey Avalon.But yeah I threw up like a tard because I can't hold my liqour.But yeah I am not going to drink the rest of the month I think because when I am depressed and drink I end up crying the next morning and its not fun. So I am avoiding that all together.
I have work Monday,Thursday,Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Tuesday and Wednesday I am going to San Antonio to see Anti-Flag, Alexisonfire, and Big D and the Kids Table. I will be in the pit and I will scream so hard.And for one second I will be happy.
Call I always need to hear friendly voices and I am staying up too late so don't be afraid.
Today was one of the most boring days of my life. I was stuck in the house all day long. I did almost every chore possible. I called a few people and I went to discuss an abum I might be mixing with this dude Billy I met.
But what I realized that if you strip everything away there is a few things that I am really about and love. I spent all day listening to my records. Mostly an Anti-Flag and a Dead Kennedys album. But it was inspiring today because I am so fucking depressed. It was like I remember that girl I used to be. I made crazy clothes, slammed in pits, and all I cared was getting to go to the show that weekend. I worked all the time just to afford that habit alone. I think about how angry at the world I was and how I was going to change it.
I remember exactly how I sold out. I know thats weird. But a couple weeks ago I was looking for my Fat Wreckcords shirt and I couldn't think what I did with it. Till a few days ago I sold it to Buffalo Exchange because I was afraid of the state of what the people in my community have become. Like the dirty fucking looks I got from old people and the shit I got talked to because its an anti-bush shirt.
But upon reflection that was stupid of me. What is going to change if I am going to censor myself? But the only good thing that has come out of this is that I have realized that I think that part of me is back.I don't give a fuck like I did. I don't know why I did in the first place?? I don't know happened but thank god its gone.
When I was talking to Kristi the other night she said that I should not worry about things so much and worry about a day to day kind of thing. And thats what I am excited about. I am going to see one of my favorite bands and gonna start being the person I want to be. I am returning home. I am thinking about starting up some projects maybe a zine dedicated to a cause and things punk rock. Shit I seem to have all the time in the world now. I am going to the person I used to be kind of. The girl wanted to be Debra Harry at 15 and yelled out car windows and yet had great talks with craft ladies at Hobby Lobby about sewing. I want that girl back. I miss my spirit.
Also tonight when I was listening the only punk rock hour they have on the radio ever, Complete Control, they played the Damned and talked about the show coming up and it made me smile. Then I was singing NOFX on the top of my lungs and it felt so great.
I feel really lost lately and I don't know why the things that are happening to me are happening. I kind of thought today maybe to get back to where I was about 5 years ago.
I have been staying home most nights now. I haven't been out drinking because something has changed in me. I am almost tempted to be staright edge again but I will break eventually so whats the point if I know that. Sorry if I haven't been around I am just not sure if I feel like this that I should be drinking.
Plus Friday I went to Vicci's and I got trashed because I waited and didn't drink for a two weeks. So by then I was excited and it was VIP and we had a blast and I saw Mickey Avalon.But yeah I threw up like a tard because I can't hold my liqour.But yeah I am not going to drink the rest of the month I think because when I am depressed and drink I end up crying the next morning and its not fun. So I am avoiding that all together.
I have work Monday,Thursday,Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Tuesday and Wednesday I am going to San Antonio to see Anti-Flag, Alexisonfire, and Big D and the Kids Table. I will be in the pit and I will scream so hard.And for one second I will be happy.
Call I always need to hear friendly voices and I am staying up too late so don't be afraid.