vices
What is my vice now? I know one doesn't need a vice, one should avoid vices, but I still get those urges, those skin crawling, world spinning, everything humming, need something moments, but there's nothing to turn to. Does this make me recovered or just stuck? It leaves me with a fear of the next intense connection I make in my life, it would be so easy to make it my vice. I find myself rather twisted from time to time...cutting temps me over and over and I fight against it...it really doesn't do what I wish it would anymore anyways...drinking would be my vice if it didn't mean in-taking so many damn calories, and then eating/lossing weight would be my vice if I didn't like food so much...I find the idea of a relationship with someone rather dark, someone who would make me feel intensely, both pain and pleasure, quite enticing, but logically I know it's a bad idea to get into something like that. So thus I am left vice-less and longing.
I am afraid I will never really be happy with my life. Not to say I'm depressed, I just find myself always waiting for the real thing to start. Like this was all just the intro, where is the meat of the production? The way I grew up and the influences I had left me with ridiculously high expectations for my life, expectations I didn't consciously realize I had until recently. I've always wanted to be a super-hero, with friends by my side, fighting the forces of darkness and bonding over shared losses and joys. I've always wanted to have a calling, to make a real difference, to get to fight and battle and win. Not that I have a glorified image of the life of a super hero, obviously it can suck royally from time to time, filled with responsibilities and pain, but every life has that in it. It's still what I long for...I just wonder if I'll ever be content with where I am and what I'm doing or if I'm going to spend the rest of my life waiting for it to start.
bugger all.
I am afraid I will never really be happy with my life. Not to say I'm depressed, I just find myself always waiting for the real thing to start. Like this was all just the intro, where is the meat of the production? The way I grew up and the influences I had left me with ridiculously high expectations for my life, expectations I didn't consciously realize I had until recently. I've always wanted to be a super-hero, with friends by my side, fighting the forces of darkness and bonding over shared losses and joys. I've always wanted to have a calling, to make a real difference, to get to fight and battle and win. Not that I have a glorified image of the life of a super hero, obviously it can suck royally from time to time, filled with responsibilities and pain, but every life has that in it. It's still what I long for...I just wonder if I'll ever be content with where I am and what I'm doing or if I'm going to spend the rest of my life waiting for it to start.
bugger all.