AHHHHHH!!!

[trinitydawning]

The title says most of what I wanted to say. I'm feeling pent up at the moment...I want to go to a club so badly, I want to get tipsy and dance my ass off. Plus there's the ever recurring issue of me still not having any type of relationship...I'm damn sick of having it be an issue for me, but I have recently figured something out. It's not really about me be desperate, or jealous really, it's about this feeling of just kinda hanging out there, un-connected. I don't know how to explain what I mean. It's just, I was thinking about how someday I'll probably be the last person in my family (my immediate family) left, and how strange that would be. You know how there is a certain connection you have with people who've known you for your whole life, who have always been there, right there, and who you are forever connected to no matter how you feel about eachother. Well, being the youngest in my family it is likely that I will live part of my life without anyone left who I have that connection with. I found this a very painful thought, and when discussing it with my mom she said "Yeah, but by that time you'll have built a family of your own, and even thought that isn't quite the same, it makes a difference because you'll have that familial connection in a new way". I understood what she meant, but somehow it just made me feel worse, I mean, it's not that I think being single is a lifetime affliction, it's just so many people around me have started making that kind of connection, and so it's just hitting me harder. I feel like I have one side all safe, facing the open door into my home, with people I know, who love me, who I'm connected to, who I love, etc...but the other side is facing the world outside, except it's pitch black to the point of not being able to tell if my eyes are open or closed, and I have the sinking suspicion that just infront of me the earth drops off. It's a very strange feeling, just always there, like a weird shadow. I'm damn sick of it.

Well...that's all I suppose...and now I really want to go get drunk and dance, but alas, that ain't gonna happen...