"If I'm a spinster for the rest of my life, my arms will keep me warm on the cold, lonely nights...
Song quote by Kimya Dawson
Same old shit, just a different day.
Back to complain about my usual, except with a side of religion. I'm gonna be completely honest because I'm sure nobody is (still) reading this journal and I just need to let it all out. There's so much bottled up shit floating around in my brain and my heart that it's like, vent or die. So, here goes.
I'm having a hard time finding a place for God, as I understand Him, in my life and, as always, I have nobody to love. My parents, especially my father, have a strong belief in God and they're always encouraging me to find my own relationship with the Lord in my life. God, just writing that and reading it back made me sound like one of those crazy religious Holy-rollers. I hate overly religious people that are always going around saying "Praise the Lord" and "God bless you", and all that bullshit. It seems so forced and fake and makes me think this is all an act and that same person is gonna go home and smoke crack and have sex with hookers. I'm not a saint, never will be, and I'm quite positive that there's still a reserved spot in Hell waiting for me, but I think I'm a halfway decent person and I wish God, or whoever is up there, would acknowledge that.
I do believe in God and a Higher Power. I'm familiar with Jesus and His Father, I believe in karma and that whatever you put out into the universe will come back to you, but I don't personally feel like God is playing any positive part in my life. Nothing is ever just okay. If one aspect in my life is fine, there's always somewhere else that's totally fucked up. Nothing is ever completely cool; something is always wrong. Why is that? If God is so kind and merciful and loving, how come I never see any of these things? For once, I'd like to wake up in the morning and not be stressing about money or work or a car or weight or my lack of love life or anything else. How can I put my total, blind trust in God when I feel like He doesn't give a fuck about me?
Religion is not a bargaining chip and religion doesn't work like a give-and-take type thing (at least I don't think) and I know that you can't play God like He's a friend giving you the hook-up or anything, but I need to see something concrete from God that says "Hey! I see you there and I've got your back". Now, I know there's the usual obvious stuff that all the Jesus people say: "What about your health? You're alive and physically and mentally able. You live in America and you're not hungry, homeless, or hurt. God woke you up this morning and others didn't. Things could be so much worse; there are a million things to be thankful for." Yeah, yeah, yeah. ALL of these things are true, but what's the point of being alive if you're miserable and unhappy? You'd be better off dead and stop taking up space and breathing free air. I don't think God created man to just be content with what we have; I think He wanted us to be motivated to do better for ourselves and life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness and all that lot. So if I want better for myself and do things to make that happen, why all the constant set-backs? God is suppose to help those who help themselves, and I'm doing that, but I never feel like all of the work shows any resullts. Like dieting and working out like crazy and still being a fattie. I just feel like God is constantly giving me the middle finger.
For once, I actually had a real reason for being M.I.A. for so long. For the past six months I had a second job. It was part-time and supposedly seasonal, but it was another pay check and a chance to stop bitching endlessly about being a broke-ass loser. What started as a dollar sign turned into such a great experience. I was forced to step out of my comfort zone a bit and I met so many wonderful, funny people who I hope to keep in touch with. And as an added bonus of vanity, I lost 15 pounds just from not sitting around as much. YAY! How shallow does that make you if "weight lose" is one of the pro's of your job? That being said, as always, I need to meet this stranger called "the gym" that everyone talks about. Maybe I can sweat out my anger. Well, just recently, that job ended and I really want another one in the same area back beccause I already miss the money, mostly the people, and I'm secretly stressing about getting fat again and have begun weighing myself like mad, even though I've made no effort of going to work out. I've also seriously just bought my first new bathing suit in ten years; it's a string bikini and I just wanna be cute and look like the "cool girls" in life.
On the flip side, not long before I lost my second job (I'm still teaching my kiddies in my afternoon job; glad that I still have that so I'm not totally unemployed), I did get my own car!!! All kinds of fireworkks need to go off for that because I went 22 months since my car crash and have been totally car-less for the past 9 months and been driving my mom's car and her being stuck inside so I could get to work. It was a tedious, sometimes agrivating time for her and me. Finally, about a month ago I got a new car. Not a NEW car, but an upgrade of my old one. Same car, same color, same year I think, just this one is a convertible. Can't even lie and say that it's not cool. I've only driven with the top down a few times because the weather has been so wishy-washy here these past few weeks. I need a solid sunny day, a good mix cd, and sunglasses to get a chance to really cruise. I guess now I'll have more time to make that happen.
So I had a second job and it seemed like I finally got the car to get to the first and second jobs easier, but that bubble burst. It was like, things were finally falling into place and then God snatched the rug from under me, as ALWAYS. That's how it always works for me. I moan about things being terrible, I finally get motivated/fed up and do something to fix it, things begin to improve and I finally feel like I might not be the world's biggest disappointment, out of nowhere everything goes to shit, and I'm back at square one. WHAT THE FUCK???? The endless cycle of sadness/build up/possible happiness/crash is so... disheartneing. Like, what's there to be glad about? What's my reason for smiling? I'm always looking and waiting for the ball of awfulness to drop and no matter how optimistic I try to be, that train is never late and always smashes me flat. Like damn God, can't you give a bitch something to hold on to? I finally felt like I might be getting my life under control and making steps to be an actual adult, not this oversized 15 year old that I've been living like, and maybe be someone I could be proud of and it's falling apart again. Can I ever get a break? Will I always feel like a loser? Why doesn't anything good in my life stay that way? Like that Stevie Wonder song "nothing gold can stay".
I've been in contact with a recent ex-boyfriend and things are so crap that it's not worth talking about. People are ex's for a reason, but I'm stubborn and like getting my feelings hurt. It's my personal version of S&M. I wear my heart on my sleeve, you stomp on it, and I come back begging for more. It's like the hurt is so familair that I'm confusing it for love. If fighting and hurt feelings and tears are all you know, it's hard to break the habit. Also, I'm a person who likes routine and my comfort zone, so I'm a repeat dater. I re-date ex's because I'm comfortable with them and I don't have that intial awkward, grossly sweaty period of getting to know someone. New people scare me and I don't have a people-person personality. I have to warm up and get to know people before I can stop being a polite robot. Boys aren't attracted to fem-bots. They want personality and character. Um, no. I'm still fanning at my pit stains in the corner to even show anyone my personality. I'm gonna get some botox and get that fixed.
I'm looking for love in all the wrong places and I teeter back and forth between anger and bitterness or grief and dispair. I'm either sneering at all things love and being the first person to say something negative because love is all an illusion that tv and movies make you believe exists, when in reality nobody loves you, the world will shit on you, and fuck your feelings. OR I see all the sunshine and happiness and snuggles and love and think that none of all those good things will ever happen to me and I'm already Google-imaging pictures of kittens so I know what kind I want when I become a crazy cat-lady. I don't wanna be a 40 year old bride and a 45 year old mother of a toddler. I'll be old and dried up by then.
I'm gettting to the point where I might consider marrying a man who I knew was gay but really loved me. I'd get the cuddles and companionship that I'm looking for without any of the complications of sex. He can have a boyfriend on the side and I'll work things out on my end. Happy wife, happy life, right? Whenever I'm not being a raging bitch, my usual outlook is to have thrown in the towel on the love department. I think I'm trying to mentally get comfortable with the idea that love/marriage/maybe baby carriage might not be in the card's for me. Everyday I find one more reason why I don't think a serious relationship would work out for me, so maybe that's why my lack of love life is so prominent. I don't like sharing the remote and I have my required tv shows to watch, I don't like sharing my personal space, I'm bossy and I like having things done my way, I'm spoiled and always think I'm right, I don't want anybody more than 2or 3 years older than me and no more than 3 years younger, no ex-wives, and Hell Mother Fucking NO to kids, I'd prefer him to be college educated, a somewhat decent job, his own car, come from a decent family, have a good relationship with his mother (it shows you if he has respect for women or not), and be spontaneous, adventuresome, caring, and funny. No one is gonna be a great catch and be willing to put up with all of my bullshit.
My mother, who always means well, is still wishing a Fug-Mo into my life. She's still stressing personality, personality, personality, and I''m having none of it. I spent 2o years being an ugly duckling; now that I'm a swan, I want whatever the male version of a swan is too. A guy's personality is the ultimate thing, but I wouldn't mind having something good to look at as well. Besides, from the little bit of observation I've done, all the cute guys are dicks and the nice guys look like Franklin the turtle. And that's certainly a problem. Who cares how nice the guy is if you aren't attracted to him and don't want him to touch you? Continuing on the shallow side, I'm actually kinda scared that I'm gonna turn down my Soulmate because He's not cute and then I WILL be a cat lady. Nightmare upon nightmare. What's worse: Not having a soulmate or finding him but being so turned-off by his outward appearance that you can't focus on the good things? That sounded really supperfical and terrible, didn't it? That's why God is punishing me: vanity.
This negative outlook on my own personal love life has made me become a more compassionate person in regards to my judgement on others. I use to be one of the main people clowning on Kim Kardashian and her revolving door marriage and how she goes from guy to guy. I get it now. She's in love with the idea of love and is hunting for her soulmate. I see lots of qualities in Kim that I totally recognize in myself. I'm also in love with "love" except I don't have quite the success rate of Kim. She's had several failed relationships, but at least they were actual relationships. I don't even know what to call the unfortunate series of events that could vaguely be described as more as elaborate games of cat-and-mouse than relationships. She just wants all lovey-dovey stuff that most women want: marraige, husband, babies, potental happiness and she's not scared to go through a few guys to find it. Me too, but I think Kim's got a better shot at it than me. So now that Kim's been spotted around town with Kanye West, I'm not giving her any grief. She's just a girl looking for her happily ever after. Good luck Kimmy! You're gonna need it.
Back on the religious note, I feel like God will only give you want you want if you submit to His will and do everything He says, no sex, drugs, and rock and roll, and no fun ever unless it involves Bible study and lots of prayer. Like exchanging one thing for another. I worry that I'll meet someone I like who might actually like me back (which would be a miracle unto itself because those two things usually don't go together in my life. Usually, I like someone and I doon't exist to them or they, which are mostly nasty old men with pot bellies who hang out at gas stations, like me and I'd prefer not to do more than say "hi and bye" to them. Mutual attraction is very rare in my world) but he turns out to be this huge Bible thumper who will guilt trip me because I'd rather sleep in on Sunday and ask me where I'm gonna spend eternity. I worry that I won't be able to be myself and who I really am and still get someone nice who really likes me. Like I have to exchange one thing for another. you can't have your cake and eat it too.
So times like this, I'm shaking my fists at God. Why aren't You listening? Don't You see my tears at night? Am I ever gonna be happy? Will I ever feel normal? Not everyone on earth is meant to get married and have kids: maybe I'm one of those people and I just don't know it yet. Will I learn to accept my solitary exsistance with grace or will I always be angry and bitter? I'm so scared that my mostly negative outlook will block me from whatever goodness that might come my way, but on the other hand, I feel like I have nothing positive to build on to keep hope alive, so to speak. Give me a sign that things will the good. Give me a fucking sign that God is actually listening.
All my life, I've heard that you have to yeild to God's will and if you trust in him, everything will work out. Is it my human weakness that feels like submitting means not being myself and because I won't submit properly, why everything in my life is screwed up? I have so many questions and I don't think that anyone can actually answer them. Patience isn't one of my strong points; maybe God is torturing me to teach me that good things come to those who wait. Maybe all of this is just one big lie that I keep telling myself so that I don't have to face up to the actual fact that I will forever be alone. And if that's true, I wish God would let me know that so that I can stop getting my hopes up only to be sadly disappointed.
It also doesn't help that I'm currently on my period, so tomorrow my hormones could have shifted again and I'll be totally fine in the mornning. I'm just always on the verge of tears and my emotions are all over the place. I just want someone to hold me and give me cuddles and listen to me when I complain and love me. I want someone to bitch to and to talk about my day with. I want someone to have plans with and to make memories. I want random surprises and someone who thinks about me for once. I want long weekend and corny couples' pictures. I just wanna be loved and happy and I don;t ever see that happening to me.
I'm seriously in tears now and I feel crazy, but it's all spilling out. I'm tired of feeling alone and ignored. I'm tired of acting like I believe in God when I feel like God only exists to make me sad. I don't feel like God loves or cares about me an I'm annoyed that my parents guilt-trip me into attending church when I know that God is not present at all in my life. Nothing good will comeof this and I should stop thinking that anything good or nice will ever stay permamently in my life. Life is shit and shit is my life. I'm tired of moaning about being miserable and alone. I'm tired of hating myself and my piece of shit that I call a life. I'm tired of never being happy and never being good enough for anything. I'm just old and tired in general. Tired of fighting, tired of crying, tired of being lonely, just tired of things always being fuckedup and never feeling like I'll ever find happiness. I'm over all the bullshit. Fuck everyoone and all that comes with it. I'm going to bed before things get any worse or I say anything else stupid.
Same old shit, just a different day.
Back to complain about my usual, except with a side of religion. I'm gonna be completely honest because I'm sure nobody is (still) reading this journal and I just need to let it all out. There's so much bottled up shit floating around in my brain and my heart that it's like, vent or die. So, here goes.
I'm having a hard time finding a place for God, as I understand Him, in my life and, as always, I have nobody to love. My parents, especially my father, have a strong belief in God and they're always encouraging me to find my own relationship with the Lord in my life. God, just writing that and reading it back made me sound like one of those crazy religious Holy-rollers. I hate overly religious people that are always going around saying "Praise the Lord" and "God bless you", and all that bullshit. It seems so forced and fake and makes me think this is all an act and that same person is gonna go home and smoke crack and have sex with hookers. I'm not a saint, never will be, and I'm quite positive that there's still a reserved spot in Hell waiting for me, but I think I'm a halfway decent person and I wish God, or whoever is up there, would acknowledge that.
I do believe in God and a Higher Power. I'm familiar with Jesus and His Father, I believe in karma and that whatever you put out into the universe will come back to you, but I don't personally feel like God is playing any positive part in my life. Nothing is ever just okay. If one aspect in my life is fine, there's always somewhere else that's totally fucked up. Nothing is ever completely cool; something is always wrong. Why is that? If God is so kind and merciful and loving, how come I never see any of these things? For once, I'd like to wake up in the morning and not be stressing about money or work or a car or weight or my lack of love life or anything else. How can I put my total, blind trust in God when I feel like He doesn't give a fuck about me?
Religion is not a bargaining chip and religion doesn't work like a give-and-take type thing (at least I don't think) and I know that you can't play God like He's a friend giving you the hook-up or anything, but I need to see something concrete from God that says "Hey! I see you there and I've got your back". Now, I know there's the usual obvious stuff that all the Jesus people say: "What about your health? You're alive and physically and mentally able. You live in America and you're not hungry, homeless, or hurt. God woke you up this morning and others didn't. Things could be so much worse; there are a million things to be thankful for." Yeah, yeah, yeah. ALL of these things are true, but what's the point of being alive if you're miserable and unhappy? You'd be better off dead and stop taking up space and breathing free air. I don't think God created man to just be content with what we have; I think He wanted us to be motivated to do better for ourselves and life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness and all that lot. So if I want better for myself and do things to make that happen, why all the constant set-backs? God is suppose to help those who help themselves, and I'm doing that, but I never feel like all of the work shows any resullts. Like dieting and working out like crazy and still being a fattie. I just feel like God is constantly giving me the middle finger.
For once, I actually had a real reason for being M.I.A. for so long. For the past six months I had a second job. It was part-time and supposedly seasonal, but it was another pay check and a chance to stop bitching endlessly about being a broke-ass loser. What started as a dollar sign turned into such a great experience. I was forced to step out of my comfort zone a bit and I met so many wonderful, funny people who I hope to keep in touch with. And as an added bonus of vanity, I lost 15 pounds just from not sitting around as much. YAY! How shallow does that make you if "weight lose" is one of the pro's of your job? That being said, as always, I need to meet this stranger called "the gym" that everyone talks about. Maybe I can sweat out my anger. Well, just recently, that job ended and I really want another one in the same area back beccause I already miss the money, mostly the people, and I'm secretly stressing about getting fat again and have begun weighing myself like mad, even though I've made no effort of going to work out. I've also seriously just bought my first new bathing suit in ten years; it's a string bikini and I just wanna be cute and look like the "cool girls" in life.
On the flip side, not long before I lost my second job (I'm still teaching my kiddies in my afternoon job; glad that I still have that so I'm not totally unemployed), I did get my own car!!! All kinds of fireworkks need to go off for that because I went 22 months since my car crash and have been totally car-less for the past 9 months and been driving my mom's car and her being stuck inside so I could get to work. It was a tedious, sometimes agrivating time for her and me. Finally, about a month ago I got a new car. Not a NEW car, but an upgrade of my old one. Same car, same color, same year I think, just this one is a convertible. Can't even lie and say that it's not cool. I've only driven with the top down a few times because the weather has been so wishy-washy here these past few weeks. I need a solid sunny day, a good mix cd, and sunglasses to get a chance to really cruise. I guess now I'll have more time to make that happen.
So I had a second job and it seemed like I finally got the car to get to the first and second jobs easier, but that bubble burst. It was like, things were finally falling into place and then God snatched the rug from under me, as ALWAYS. That's how it always works for me. I moan about things being terrible, I finally get motivated/fed up and do something to fix it, things begin to improve and I finally feel like I might not be the world's biggest disappointment, out of nowhere everything goes to shit, and I'm back at square one. WHAT THE FUCK???? The endless cycle of sadness/build up/possible happiness/crash is so... disheartneing. Like, what's there to be glad about? What's my reason for smiling? I'm always looking and waiting for the ball of awfulness to drop and no matter how optimistic I try to be, that train is never late and always smashes me flat. Like damn God, can't you give a bitch something to hold on to? I finally felt like I might be getting my life under control and making steps to be an actual adult, not this oversized 15 year old that I've been living like, and maybe be someone I could be proud of and it's falling apart again. Can I ever get a break? Will I always feel like a loser? Why doesn't anything good in my life stay that way? Like that Stevie Wonder song "nothing gold can stay".
I've been in contact with a recent ex-boyfriend and things are so crap that it's not worth talking about. People are ex's for a reason, but I'm stubborn and like getting my feelings hurt. It's my personal version of S&M. I wear my heart on my sleeve, you stomp on it, and I come back begging for more. It's like the hurt is so familair that I'm confusing it for love. If fighting and hurt feelings and tears are all you know, it's hard to break the habit. Also, I'm a person who likes routine and my comfort zone, so I'm a repeat dater. I re-date ex's because I'm comfortable with them and I don't have that intial awkward, grossly sweaty period of getting to know someone. New people scare me and I don't have a people-person personality. I have to warm up and get to know people before I can stop being a polite robot. Boys aren't attracted to fem-bots. They want personality and character. Um, no. I'm still fanning at my pit stains in the corner to even show anyone my personality. I'm gonna get some botox and get that fixed.
I'm looking for love in all the wrong places and I teeter back and forth between anger and bitterness or grief and dispair. I'm either sneering at all things love and being the first person to say something negative because love is all an illusion that tv and movies make you believe exists, when in reality nobody loves you, the world will shit on you, and fuck your feelings. OR I see all the sunshine and happiness and snuggles and love and think that none of all those good things will ever happen to me and I'm already Google-imaging pictures of kittens so I know what kind I want when I become a crazy cat-lady. I don't wanna be a 40 year old bride and a 45 year old mother of a toddler. I'll be old and dried up by then.
I'm gettting to the point where I might consider marrying a man who I knew was gay but really loved me. I'd get the cuddles and companionship that I'm looking for without any of the complications of sex. He can have a boyfriend on the side and I'll work things out on my end. Happy wife, happy life, right? Whenever I'm not being a raging bitch, my usual outlook is to have thrown in the towel on the love department. I think I'm trying to mentally get comfortable with the idea that love/marriage/maybe baby carriage might not be in the card's for me. Everyday I find one more reason why I don't think a serious relationship would work out for me, so maybe that's why my lack of love life is so prominent. I don't like sharing the remote and I have my required tv shows to watch, I don't like sharing my personal space, I'm bossy and I like having things done my way, I'm spoiled and always think I'm right, I don't want anybody more than 2or 3 years older than me and no more than 3 years younger, no ex-wives, and Hell Mother Fucking NO to kids, I'd prefer him to be college educated, a somewhat decent job, his own car, come from a decent family, have a good relationship with his mother (it shows you if he has respect for women or not), and be spontaneous, adventuresome, caring, and funny. No one is gonna be a great catch and be willing to put up with all of my bullshit.
My mother, who always means well, is still wishing a Fug-Mo into my life. She's still stressing personality, personality, personality, and I''m having none of it. I spent 2o years being an ugly duckling; now that I'm a swan, I want whatever the male version of a swan is too. A guy's personality is the ultimate thing, but I wouldn't mind having something good to look at as well. Besides, from the little bit of observation I've done, all the cute guys are dicks and the nice guys look like Franklin the turtle. And that's certainly a problem. Who cares how nice the guy is if you aren't attracted to him and don't want him to touch you? Continuing on the shallow side, I'm actually kinda scared that I'm gonna turn down my Soulmate because He's not cute and then I WILL be a cat lady. Nightmare upon nightmare. What's worse: Not having a soulmate or finding him but being so turned-off by his outward appearance that you can't focus on the good things? That sounded really supperfical and terrible, didn't it? That's why God is punishing me: vanity.
This negative outlook on my own personal love life has made me become a more compassionate person in regards to my judgement on others. I use to be one of the main people clowning on Kim Kardashian and her revolving door marriage and how she goes from guy to guy. I get it now. She's in love with the idea of love and is hunting for her soulmate. I see lots of qualities in Kim that I totally recognize in myself. I'm also in love with "love" except I don't have quite the success rate of Kim. She's had several failed relationships, but at least they were actual relationships. I don't even know what to call the unfortunate series of events that could vaguely be described as more as elaborate games of cat-and-mouse than relationships. She just wants all lovey-dovey stuff that most women want: marraige, husband, babies, potental happiness and she's not scared to go through a few guys to find it. Me too, but I think Kim's got a better shot at it than me. So now that Kim's been spotted around town with Kanye West, I'm not giving her any grief. She's just a girl looking for her happily ever after. Good luck Kimmy! You're gonna need it.
Back on the religious note, I feel like God will only give you want you want if you submit to His will and do everything He says, no sex, drugs, and rock and roll, and no fun ever unless it involves Bible study and lots of prayer. Like exchanging one thing for another. I worry that I'll meet someone I like who might actually like me back (which would be a miracle unto itself because those two things usually don't go together in my life. Usually, I like someone and I doon't exist to them or they, which are mostly nasty old men with pot bellies who hang out at gas stations, like me and I'd prefer not to do more than say "hi and bye" to them. Mutual attraction is very rare in my world) but he turns out to be this huge Bible thumper who will guilt trip me because I'd rather sleep in on Sunday and ask me where I'm gonna spend eternity. I worry that I won't be able to be myself and who I really am and still get someone nice who really likes me. Like I have to exchange one thing for another. you can't have your cake and eat it too.
So times like this, I'm shaking my fists at God. Why aren't You listening? Don't You see my tears at night? Am I ever gonna be happy? Will I ever feel normal? Not everyone on earth is meant to get married and have kids: maybe I'm one of those people and I just don't know it yet. Will I learn to accept my solitary exsistance with grace or will I always be angry and bitter? I'm so scared that my mostly negative outlook will block me from whatever goodness that might come my way, but on the other hand, I feel like I have nothing positive to build on to keep hope alive, so to speak. Give me a sign that things will the good. Give me a fucking sign that God is actually listening.
All my life, I've heard that you have to yeild to God's will and if you trust in him, everything will work out. Is it my human weakness that feels like submitting means not being myself and because I won't submit properly, why everything in my life is screwed up? I have so many questions and I don't think that anyone can actually answer them. Patience isn't one of my strong points; maybe God is torturing me to teach me that good things come to those who wait. Maybe all of this is just one big lie that I keep telling myself so that I don't have to face up to the actual fact that I will forever be alone. And if that's true, I wish God would let me know that so that I can stop getting my hopes up only to be sadly disappointed.
It also doesn't help that I'm currently on my period, so tomorrow my hormones could have shifted again and I'll be totally fine in the mornning. I'm just always on the verge of tears and my emotions are all over the place. I just want someone to hold me and give me cuddles and listen to me when I complain and love me. I want someone to bitch to and to talk about my day with. I want someone to have plans with and to make memories. I want random surprises and someone who thinks about me for once. I want long weekend and corny couples' pictures. I just wanna be loved and happy and I don;t ever see that happening to me.
I'm seriously in tears now and I feel crazy, but it's all spilling out. I'm tired of feeling alone and ignored. I'm tired of acting like I believe in God when I feel like God only exists to make me sad. I don't feel like God loves or cares about me an I'm annoyed that my parents guilt-trip me into attending church when I know that God is not present at all in my life. Nothing good will comeof this and I should stop thinking that anything good or nice will ever stay permamently in my life. Life is shit and shit is my life. I'm tired of moaning about being miserable and alone. I'm tired of hating myself and my piece of shit that I call a life. I'm tired of never being happy and never being good enough for anything. I'm just old and tired in general. Tired of fighting, tired of crying, tired of being lonely, just tired of things always being fuckedup and never feeling like I'll ever find happiness. I'm over all the bullshit. Fuck everyoone and all that comes with it. I'm going to bed before things get any worse or I say anything else stupid.