"I told God I'd be back in a second. Man, it's so hard not to act so reckless..." Kanye West
For once instead of having to hunt for an appropriate song lyric/title, this one actually found me during the car ride home from work. And to think, I usually skip this song.
Speaking of Kanye, I think I'm going to try and adopt the "can't tell me nothing" mentality. After like a four hour long talk/discussion/little bit of yelling (it's how we show we care in my house) with my mom, I've decided to mostly eliminate God from my life. My mother thinks that I'm placing the blame for things on God and not trying to make my own good luck. I don't think that I'm blaming God; I'd like to think that I'm holding Him responsible for all the goodness and blessings He's suppose to be giving out to those who follow the rules in the Bible. I'm also sure that my last sentence was complete blasfemy and it will only further send me down the road to Hell. I'm hoping that God has a sense of humor.
Let me clean that statement up. I can't eliminate God from my life. I believe in Jesus and God and I know that a Higher Power exists because I sure didn't evole from a chimp and all this chaos that is Earth didn't just magically fall into place because two rocks smashed together. I realize that there's more to this life, but I can't figure out how to get God to fit in with the rest of my life. From what I understand about Christianity, it just seems like life is nothing but heartache, grief, misery, and moving from one drama to another but they (Christians) keep going because they're thankful to have breath in their bodies. Praise the Lord. Fuck that shit. It just seems like an existance of breathless servitude with no reward except possible eternal life, and even that's not a given. No offense Lord, but that's not really my bag. I need a solid commitment.
I just can't see how I can manage to be the person that I want to be and to be happy while still being a "good Christian". That makes me sound like being myself means coke binges, orgies, and animal sacrifices. I wish my life were that exciting. So I've decided to stop trying to stress how God fits into my life and have decided to try and simply think more positively. Instead of scorning God because everything is shitty and fucked up, I am seriously gonna try to put a positive spin on things. I've been told, and I've noticed too myself, that I'm very negative and pessimistic. I'm always thinking of what could go wrong and how terrible things could be. I'm so ready for things to be bad that I could be knocking myself out before anything could actually happpen. Besides, what do the Christians say? "You have to speak it into existance."
So far, this positive thinking is really hard and it's only been like three hours. I watched "Don't be Tardy for the Wedding" and every single time I saw Kim flash that giant rock on her hand or Kroy would just be so sweet to her or when she was ordering a $58,000 wedding dress and planning to get married at her big, fabulous house, I had to verbally, out loud say to myself "If Kim Zolciak can get married to a nice guy, I can too." I said it like 50 times in the course of an hour and I cried twice. It also made me re-think about watching any of my favorite wedding shows ("My Fair Wedding", "Say Yes to the Dress", and all that. Not "Bridezillas" because those heifers are crazy and they make me feel better aboout myself. But on second, thought, those bitches are out of their minds and they still found some poor sucker who wants to be with them forever, and I'm spending my nights snuggling up to the warm glow of my laptop screen and repeats of "The Golden Girls". That didn't sound too positive, did it?), but if I stopped watching my shows, how would I plan my fantasy, billion dollar wedding that will only happen in a completly alternate universe and then what else would I do with the rest of my life?
In the same vein of all this Mary Poppins positivity, I've started re-writing my list of qualities for my perfect man. I wrote one on a humbug like ten years ago and sadly, have not dated a single person who had any of those qualities since then. Since I'm going to try to make a new me, it's time I made a new list. I need to find that old list and see if anything has changed. I think the things that I want will still be pretty similar, but I'm sure my bullet points of what I DON'T want will be a million miles long. Picky, picky, picky, I am. I've heard quite a few people (celebrity and civilian) talk about how they wrote down their list and like magic, when they were least expecting it, boom, their perfect soulmate just walked into their lives and it was love instantly. Or something of that nature. Either way, there was a list involved. So, I'm gonna have a list too and my soulmate will come too. I'm keeping my fingers crossed while I say that, but in the back of my head I'm thinking, "That will never happen. This will never work. Things like that do not happen in real life. Soulamtes do not ex ist or at least not anyone who'll be the mate to your soul. Get real and get a real job." But that's not positive thinking.
I started talking crazy and mentioned that I might go out by myself tomorrow night, but I'm more than possitive that Friday night will find me sitting on my ass in pajamas, eating, and getting emotionally conflicted by episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress". I wonder if I could find my soulmate without ruinning that dent my butt is boring into the couch cushions. According to "Cosmo" and "Glamour" and all those ladies magazines, going out by yourself shows that you're confident and it supposedly makes guys wanna talk to you because you're not surrounded by a force field of friends. I think it'll just make me look like I don't have any friends. Still, all that was just talk. I doubt any action will come of it.
My mother still suggests that I try online dating and we all already know how I feel about that. I'm just not to that point yet. Maybe when I feel like I'm really desperate; no offense to those who are cool with Match.com and stuff, but the thought of going out with a stranger of sorts really scares me. This person could be anyone. At least meeting someone through a friend or something means that if the guy is a nutcase, I can trace him back to something. Did that make sense or am I just being paranoid? And yes, I know they fill out a profile, but people lie on those things all the time. I need a bsckground check, two forms of ID, and a character statement. Show me the reciepts, mother fucker. Besides, I'd need to fill out a profile myself and I can't sum up the fantastic-ness that is me in a few 140 characters per question. I don't make the best first impression cold; people need to experience me to get to know me. I grow on you, like fungus.
I've also decided to try and do more things that positively benefit myself. I figure it'll give me something to focus on besides my fleeting youth and the fact that I'm inching closer and closer into being a lonely spinster or a bitter hag and maybe it'll earn me a better body that I can share with no one. But at least I might still look cute in my new bikini. I'm also gonna try to write more. Write here more and work on my stories. My mother thinks I'm destined to be this great author. I've never finished a real story in my life. One of her friends is in some book club and she wants to send the mess that I've written to them to read and for feedback. I'm not so cool with that idea. For starters, no one has ever really read my stuff and I'm terrified of critism. Two; my stories are like 95% fan fiction, which is corny and shameful to admit, and three; I never really wrote anything for public consumption. My stories were always just that: MY stories, for ME, and me only. Letting other people read them wasn't the plan. And did I mention that nothing I've written, outside of school assignments, has an ending. Basic writing teaches you that a story has a beginning, middle, and an end. I'm missing a major part of the chain.
Part of me is scared that I'll be ripped to shreads or that copies will get out and all these random people will be reading my shit and mocking my writing, and just thinking about that happening makes me break out into a nervous sweat. On the other hand, another part of me is like "whatever" about it because I kinda feel like nothing will really come of it, except maybe getting my millions of loose pages bound into a proper book to sit on my shelf until one of my (hopefully) future grandchildren will find it and read after my death. Mom says I should write something from my life, but I don't think I have any wisdom to share with anybody else. I need some wisdom from other wiser people myself. Now, if you need snark, sarcasm, and a smart mouth, I'm your girl. I think I need to wrap this up because I feel like this could be going on a downward spiral of negativity and I'm honestly trying to make this work. I need to have something to anchor myself to, and me and God are two ships passing in the night at the moment. Positivity is going to be my new religion. I hope I can be faithful. Wish me luck; I'm gonna need it badly.
Speaking of Kanye, I think I'm going to try and adopt the "can't tell me nothing" mentality. After like a four hour long talk/discussion/little bit of yelling (it's how we show we care in my house) with my mom, I've decided to mostly eliminate God from my life. My mother thinks that I'm placing the blame for things on God and not trying to make my own good luck. I don't think that I'm blaming God; I'd like to think that I'm holding Him responsible for all the goodness and blessings He's suppose to be giving out to those who follow the rules in the Bible. I'm also sure that my last sentence was complete blasfemy and it will only further send me down the road to Hell. I'm hoping that God has a sense of humor.
Let me clean that statement up. I can't eliminate God from my life. I believe in Jesus and God and I know that a Higher Power exists because I sure didn't evole from a chimp and all this chaos that is Earth didn't just magically fall into place because two rocks smashed together. I realize that there's more to this life, but I can't figure out how to get God to fit in with the rest of my life. From what I understand about Christianity, it just seems like life is nothing but heartache, grief, misery, and moving from one drama to another but they (Christians) keep going because they're thankful to have breath in their bodies. Praise the Lord. Fuck that shit. It just seems like an existance of breathless servitude with no reward except possible eternal life, and even that's not a given. No offense Lord, but that's not really my bag. I need a solid commitment.
I just can't see how I can manage to be the person that I want to be and to be happy while still being a "good Christian". That makes me sound like being myself means coke binges, orgies, and animal sacrifices. I wish my life were that exciting. So I've decided to stop trying to stress how God fits into my life and have decided to try and simply think more positively. Instead of scorning God because everything is shitty and fucked up, I am seriously gonna try to put a positive spin on things. I've been told, and I've noticed too myself, that I'm very negative and pessimistic. I'm always thinking of what could go wrong and how terrible things could be. I'm so ready for things to be bad that I could be knocking myself out before anything could actually happpen. Besides, what do the Christians say? "You have to speak it into existance."
So far, this positive thinking is really hard and it's only been like three hours. I watched "Don't be Tardy for the Wedding" and every single time I saw Kim flash that giant rock on her hand or Kroy would just be so sweet to her or when she was ordering a $58,000 wedding dress and planning to get married at her big, fabulous house, I had to verbally, out loud say to myself "If Kim Zolciak can get married to a nice guy, I can too." I said it like 50 times in the course of an hour and I cried twice. It also made me re-think about watching any of my favorite wedding shows ("My Fair Wedding", "Say Yes to the Dress", and all that. Not "Bridezillas" because those heifers are crazy and they make me feel better aboout myself. But on second, thought, those bitches are out of their minds and they still found some poor sucker who wants to be with them forever, and I'm spending my nights snuggling up to the warm glow of my laptop screen and repeats of "The Golden Girls". That didn't sound too positive, did it?), but if I stopped watching my shows, how would I plan my fantasy, billion dollar wedding that will only happen in a completly alternate universe and then what else would I do with the rest of my life?
In the same vein of all this Mary Poppins positivity, I've started re-writing my list of qualities for my perfect man. I wrote one on a humbug like ten years ago and sadly, have not dated a single person who had any of those qualities since then. Since I'm going to try to make a new me, it's time I made a new list. I need to find that old list and see if anything has changed. I think the things that I want will still be pretty similar, but I'm sure my bullet points of what I DON'T want will be a million miles long. Picky, picky, picky, I am. I've heard quite a few people (celebrity and civilian) talk about how they wrote down their list and like magic, when they were least expecting it, boom, their perfect soulmate just walked into their lives and it was love instantly. Or something of that nature. Either way, there was a list involved. So, I'm gonna have a list too and my soulmate will come too. I'm keeping my fingers crossed while I say that, but in the back of my head I'm thinking, "That will never happen. This will never work. Things like that do not happen in real life. Soulamtes do not ex ist or at least not anyone who'll be the mate to your soul. Get real and get a real job." But that's not positive thinking.
I started talking crazy and mentioned that I might go out by myself tomorrow night, but I'm more than possitive that Friday night will find me sitting on my ass in pajamas, eating, and getting emotionally conflicted by episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress". I wonder if I could find my soulmate without ruinning that dent my butt is boring into the couch cushions. According to "Cosmo" and "Glamour" and all those ladies magazines, going out by yourself shows that you're confident and it supposedly makes guys wanna talk to you because you're not surrounded by a force field of friends. I think it'll just make me look like I don't have any friends. Still, all that was just talk. I doubt any action will come of it.
My mother still suggests that I try online dating and we all already know how I feel about that. I'm just not to that point yet. Maybe when I feel like I'm really desperate; no offense to those who are cool with Match.com and stuff, but the thought of going out with a stranger of sorts really scares me. This person could be anyone. At least meeting someone through a friend or something means that if the guy is a nutcase, I can trace him back to something. Did that make sense or am I just being paranoid? And yes, I know they fill out a profile, but people lie on those things all the time. I need a bsckground check, two forms of ID, and a character statement. Show me the reciepts, mother fucker. Besides, I'd need to fill out a profile myself and I can't sum up the fantastic-ness that is me in a few 140 characters per question. I don't make the best first impression cold; people need to experience me to get to know me. I grow on you, like fungus.
I've also decided to try and do more things that positively benefit myself. I figure it'll give me something to focus on besides my fleeting youth and the fact that I'm inching closer and closer into being a lonely spinster or a bitter hag and maybe it'll earn me a better body that I can share with no one. But at least I might still look cute in my new bikini. I'm also gonna try to write more. Write here more and work on my stories. My mother thinks I'm destined to be this great author. I've never finished a real story in my life. One of her friends is in some book club and she wants to send the mess that I've written to them to read and for feedback. I'm not so cool with that idea. For starters, no one has ever really read my stuff and I'm terrified of critism. Two; my stories are like 95% fan fiction, which is corny and shameful to admit, and three; I never really wrote anything for public consumption. My stories were always just that: MY stories, for ME, and me only. Letting other people read them wasn't the plan. And did I mention that nothing I've written, outside of school assignments, has an ending. Basic writing teaches you that a story has a beginning, middle, and an end. I'm missing a major part of the chain.
Part of me is scared that I'll be ripped to shreads or that copies will get out and all these random people will be reading my shit and mocking my writing, and just thinking about that happening makes me break out into a nervous sweat. On the other hand, another part of me is like "whatever" about it because I kinda feel like nothing will really come of it, except maybe getting my millions of loose pages bound into a proper book to sit on my shelf until one of my (hopefully) future grandchildren will find it and read after my death. Mom says I should write something from my life, but I don't think I have any wisdom to share with anybody else. I need some wisdom from other wiser people myself. Now, if you need snark, sarcasm, and a smart mouth, I'm your girl. I think I need to wrap this up because I feel like this could be going on a downward spiral of negativity and I'm honestly trying to make this work. I need to have something to anchor myself to, and me and God are two ships passing in the night at the moment. Positivity is going to be my new religion. I hope I can be faithful. Wish me luck; I'm gonna need it badly.