Hairy & the Hindrances
Just a couple of things happened yesterday that I thought were relevant:
1.) I went shopping for new tennis shoes yesterday since it was tax free weekend here in Texas. I have not had a new pair since 3 or 4 years ago. While I was there, I saw these simple, nice, feminine cut tshirts that just captivated my attention. They were really cheap too.
Unfortunately, I have yet to gather enough courage to buy and extensively look at female clothes in public for myself. I became obsessed with these tshirts. I wanted them so much for some reason, and I had no idea why. They were just so simple and not impressive, but those shirts were something I greatly desired. The whole store was filled with tons of people shopping that weekend as well, so I never could get a moment alone at the display table of them to grab an appropriate size for me. I feel like everyone is watching me almost, and I am not exactly secure with myself either. I hovered within 20 yards of that table for at least 15 minutes. Pacing. Just trying to figure out how I could get them and why I was so damn scared and ashamed too.
After those 15 minutes, my scheme I came up with was to set my stuff down on the table while hunching down on the ground to tie my shoes. While on my knees, I quickly shifted through this one color of these shirts that I liked, but just my luck. They were all XS. A second later, a big man was standing nearby so I quickly gathered my stuff and headed for the checkout lines. I softened the feelings of disappointment and confusion (among other feelings) by telling myself I did not need those shirts.
2.) Shortly after I left that store, I was invited to meet my family for lunch at a restaurant. I have been growing out my hair and it is beginning to drive my mom crazy. She believes all boys should have short hair cuts and always loves to make a comment about my shaggy looking hair, which I hope to get longer at some point but goodness this is taking forever to grow out.
During dinner, I was talking about one of my boy cousins who has grown his down his back that I saw on Saturday for my grandma's birthday. I stated out loud how I asked him about how long did it take him to grow out his hair to that length. Before I got to explain his answer to my family, my mom quickly with a lower tone of voice full of seriousness and conviction said:
"If you ever grow out your hair that long, you are not welcome in our house anymore! I am serious!"
I did not know what to say. I was staring at the table as if I was drifting away from reality when I heard that. During that spacing out, she was quietly lecturing me how long haired men are unprofessional and other stuff. I was not paying too much attention to her. I was feeling too damn depressed at that moment to care. After a moment and composing myself inside to reflect the son they always known, I explained how I probably was not going to grow mine that long anyways in a monotone, indifferent voice to get my mom to calm down.
What was so bad was not the fact that she quickly reminded me how controlling she wants to be over me despite me already out of the house, but was a quick reminder of how foolish and naive I was to believe that my family maybe would possibly accept me if I came out to them as a girl. If news of my hair growth drove her to this type of irrational reaction, I cannot imagine how she would react to the alternative.
In the end, what made life so tolerable growing up was telling myself long ago how idiotic and confused I was with these fantasies and desires of becoming a girl. I think it was about 7th grade when I did football (which my dad forced me to that year ) that I said just forget it all as best you can. You are a boy, that is the way you are, that is the way the world and your family wants you, so accept it. That day forth till college, I tried my best to be a "normal" guy, but I was pretty terrible at that, lol. College was when I started extensively looking into alot of things dealing with transgenderism and hormones as well. Only in the last year or so, it is slowly coming into practice, trying to unlearn everything I had manually programmed into my mannerisms and ways of thinking while TRYING to learn what I should possibly explored and learned long ago.
1.) I went shopping for new tennis shoes yesterday since it was tax free weekend here in Texas. I have not had a new pair since 3 or 4 years ago. While I was there, I saw these simple, nice, feminine cut tshirts that just captivated my attention. They were really cheap too.
Unfortunately, I have yet to gather enough courage to buy and extensively look at female clothes in public for myself. I became obsessed with these tshirts. I wanted them so much for some reason, and I had no idea why. They were just so simple and not impressive, but those shirts were something I greatly desired. The whole store was filled with tons of people shopping that weekend as well, so I never could get a moment alone at the display table of them to grab an appropriate size for me. I feel like everyone is watching me almost, and I am not exactly secure with myself either. I hovered within 20 yards of that table for at least 15 minutes. Pacing. Just trying to figure out how I could get them and why I was so damn scared and ashamed too.
After those 15 minutes, my scheme I came up with was to set my stuff down on the table while hunching down on the ground to tie my shoes. While on my knees, I quickly shifted through this one color of these shirts that I liked, but just my luck. They were all XS. A second later, a big man was standing nearby so I quickly gathered my stuff and headed for the checkout lines. I softened the feelings of disappointment and confusion (among other feelings) by telling myself I did not need those shirts.
2.) Shortly after I left that store, I was invited to meet my family for lunch at a restaurant. I have been growing out my hair and it is beginning to drive my mom crazy. She believes all boys should have short hair cuts and always loves to make a comment about my shaggy looking hair, which I hope to get longer at some point but goodness this is taking forever to grow out.
During dinner, I was talking about one of my boy cousins who has grown his down his back that I saw on Saturday for my grandma's birthday. I stated out loud how I asked him about how long did it take him to grow out his hair to that length. Before I got to explain his answer to my family, my mom quickly with a lower tone of voice full of seriousness and conviction said:
"If you ever grow out your hair that long, you are not welcome in our house anymore! I am serious!"
I did not know what to say. I was staring at the table as if I was drifting away from reality when I heard that. During that spacing out, she was quietly lecturing me how long haired men are unprofessional and other stuff. I was not paying too much attention to her. I was feeling too damn depressed at that moment to care. After a moment and composing myself inside to reflect the son they always known, I explained how I probably was not going to grow mine that long anyways in a monotone, indifferent voice to get my mom to calm down.
What was so bad was not the fact that she quickly reminded me how controlling she wants to be over me despite me already out of the house, but was a quick reminder of how foolish and naive I was to believe that my family maybe would possibly accept me if I came out to them as a girl. If news of my hair growth drove her to this type of irrational reaction, I cannot imagine how she would react to the alternative.
In the end, what made life so tolerable growing up was telling myself long ago how idiotic and confused I was with these fantasies and desires of becoming a girl. I think it was about 7th grade when I did football (which my dad forced me to that year ) that I said just forget it all as best you can. You are a boy, that is the way you are, that is the way the world and your family wants you, so accept it. That day forth till college, I tried my best to be a "normal" guy, but I was pretty terrible at that, lol. College was when I started extensively looking into alot of things dealing with transgenderism and hormones as well. Only in the last year or so, it is slowly coming into practice, trying to unlearn everything I had manually programmed into my mannerisms and ways of thinking while TRYING to learn what I should possibly explored and learned long ago.