Why does gender disphoria come on so fast and leaving under two names

[numberland]

I identify as non-binary-gendered and until recently could deal with my female name and presenting neutral most of the time. Recently things have changed. A home and with friends who understand this I have been often of late presented quite feminine and felt comfortable about this (not least because the weather is so hot here). However at the same

Comments

[meegosh]

So let me get this right - you identify as non-binart-gendered and took steps to fit the binary less by, specifically, cutting your hair and using a different name? This now means that it's thrown up more dyphoria around your original name and your appearance (your hair).

That's roughly how my whole pre-medical transition has gone. The steps you take feel more right, sit better, and so the previous stuff jars even more than it used to. If I'm reading you right, you're not alone.

[numberland]

Pretty much. I have only really decided on the name and told a few friends but yet the old name already feels so wrong. It's natural I guess but annoying as I want to take my time about choosing how to introduce this to people etc and now it feels all the more urgent.

Plus, when I think of myself under the gender neutral name and with friends who know my identity I actually feel much more comfortable presenting as feminine as there is less of the assumptions there.

Heh, it's all rather hard to process, to a large degree I knew I wasn't female and though it's still not a great issue I no longer feel I can ignore it.

[meegosh]

I know what i want now, but it's been a real exploration and experiment. And perhaps the best advice i was given was to take things in baby steps. Go with what feels right. Try it on for size, so to speak, and then take things from there. if it's early days then perhaps you should hang fire until you've explored things a bit better. Transition isn't a race, and is actually a huge amount of change. And change takes time to process in our own minds, no matter how right the end result nor how much we want it. You don't have to fit neatly into any gender box or be going from one to the other for it to be transition, nor for it to be huge change.

I'm glad I didn't rush things because as i sometimes doubt myself (who doesn't about big decisions) I know I've reached the point I have through some firm decision making. So I feel less panicky about it.

[numberland]

That makes sense. I've been aware that I am transgendered for a couple of years and vaguely so in general for longer. I'm very active in the trans community (the student union rep and running this thing (http://www.lbgt.cusu.cam.ac.uk/think/) which should be launched soon) so it's not exactly new. I just haven't done much beyond being in the community until recently. Partly decided to go for it because I felt able to be out about this to belie people saying that we don't exist though it's definitely not just that.

[karabalta]

Re. names, I'd wanted to change to a gender neutral name for years, but only decided to do something about it less than a year ago (at the age of 30 - better late than never). Switching socially was pretty straightforward and most friends were very accommodating, but switching at work was more of an issue (I work in a uni and was a student there as well, so people have known me for 10+ years by my old name), not least as my name couldn't be changed on my file until I formally changed my name. I consulted with a former student about how he'd handled changing his name and followed his approach, which was to write an email informing everyone of his change of name a couple of weeks before he legally changed it. I did the same thing and it worked very well overall - far less hassle than I was expecting. A slightly awkward crossing over period may be unavoidable, particularly as once you know you're going to change your name formally it begins to feel idiotic to introduce yourself as your old name. I ended up just telling people that

[numberland]

Yeap, this is very much what I am thinking. It'll be interesting as I have a lot of history in a lot of places and a gazillion roles in various places which will complicate things further.

[karabalta]

Provided you get pretty comprehensive email coverage (Facebook was also very helpful), it's not too bad. The formal process of notifying your bank, utilities providers, internet providers, getting a new passport and the like is far more hassle.

Yes, people do slip up, but my experience has been that they self-correct most of the time. Even so, it's going to be an ongoing process for a while, not least as I'd already published articles under my old name - switching to your initial(s) and surname rather than first name last name is a good option here, I've found.

If you'd like to take a look at the letter I sent out, I'd be happy to share it.

[numberland]

More from having to deal with things differently with groups that know me in different ways. I've lived an interesting life and have so many different relationships with different groups it'd going to take some thinking. Either that or just email everyone of the form "Name is now XXXX pronouns them/their etc. Deal". Which may yet happen, it's just one huge step so I'll be trying it out for a while first.

[pointytilly]

I'm afraid I don't have any useful name advice, but I can identify with things getting harder to bear once you start acting on them. I suspect it's because it makes things you've put up with until now suddenly much more noticible?

If you like your hair short (inch or less-ish), try getting a clippers and cutting it entirely yourself. I did that and haven't looked back; it's quite refreshing not having to explain that yes, I really DO want it cut like that.

[numberland]

I'm considering this, but I do like in graded getting longer. For the moment I have a trans friend with such a device. I may get him to teach me at some point.

[karabalta]

Try the Philips QC5070/80 rechargeable clippers - they do a max length of 42mm, which is great for doing cuts that are longer on top than most clippers will do.

[ai_meilian]

You're not alone, though my story is kind of an inside-out version of yours. Transitioned back in college (MtF), was still uncomfortable, confused, de-transitioned after moving back with parents afterward... long story short, 10 years later I figured out I'm neither, got on feminizing hormones and started living in a feminine-flavored gender-neutral space and am much, much happier.

As for names, Karabaita's advice is pretty much how I've handled it. Though in my case both my names are pretty gender-neutral (at least the usual abbreviation for my birth name is, even if the name itself is not). Depending on the situation, I'll still note "My preferred name is..." or "My friends call me..." as appropriate. (Haven't legally changed my name yet, largely due to financial concerns.)

[numberland]

I'm glad you figured it out. There's a bit of me that feels silly and tends to think 'special snowflake' but when it comes down to it I have *never* been normal nor fitted into convenient boxes *ever* so it's hardly a surprise. Also, if I'm prepared to fit for other people's right to be respected as non-binary then I should damn well do it for myself as well. (I am there is shiny at http://www.lbgt.cusu.cam.ac.uk/think/ )

[chasingtides]

I am in your shoes so hard