Why does gender disphoria come on so fast and leaving under two names

[numberland]

I identify as non-binary-gendered and until recently could deal with my female name and presenting neutral most of the time. Recently things have changed. A home and with friends who understand this I have been often of late presented quite feminine and felt comfortable about this (not least because the weather is so hot here). However at the same

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[chasingtides]

I am in your shoes so hard.

I started using a more neutral/male name and binding, having a male hair cut, etc. and suddenly it hurt so much more when I wasn't. It's sort of similar, in my personal experience, to admitting to my anxiety issues - suddenly I had bigger panic attacks.

I'm trying to get people to call me Chase. My family won't, but they also think transfolk need to be medicated to the gills so they can "unlearn" their wrongness. I'm having a bit of trouble with some of my older friends, but they also already call me by a fairly gender neutral name (rather than my feminine birth name) and - unbeknownst to me - thought of me as non-binary before I came out.

I'm hoping I can make more strides, as I am changing my work place and hopefully will get a place that isn't as dead set on gendered clothing and legal names.

Edit: For my extended family, who are more aware of my trans status than my immediate family, I have told them that "Chase" is what my friends call me, "a nickname I got in college because my name is too common." Which is obviously a lie since I have an unusual first name, but it keeps the familial seas calm when I need them to be.