So, this is the end of the road, sort of!
Well, I had an appointment today with the Gender Clinic at Charing Cross.
It went extremely well. I've had a few doubts. Things I needed to weigh up in my mind and deal with. Things that need addressing, accounts that needed settling.
The moment I sat down in the first of two appointments today, I felt a strange sense of peace. A little shimmer of clarity! You can be sure I jammed a crowbar in that serenity and opened it up wide!! I knew what I had to do, the direction I must take. I took this same sense of surreal peace into my next appointment with the physcology specialist! I told him where I was and where I wanted to go!
I have reached the end of my transition. I have come, in a sense, to the end of this particular road. In analogy, I have found my cottage with the white picket fence, thatch roof and wisteria round the door! I am happy with where I am, and what treatments I am undergoing! I have decided no major genital surgery for me at this time. Aside from the usual check ups and regular injections there is not much the GIC can do for me. Not in regards to my transition, at least. The little cottage is at a bridge and it's not a bridge I plan on burning just yet!
I was all ready to sign off with the psychology department when I started to talk about the twisted conflict that my paranoid introvert self and socially confident side faces when ever I plan to go anywhere. Dr Lorrimar suggested that he refer me to another department within the GIC that is part of the West London Mental Health Services! In short, someone who can possibly assist in helping me with these anxiety pangs I get without resorting to medication! So, I'm still on the GIC's books which will make it easier for me to get to speak to this other department about other problems I face. He said it would be a shame to squander the new found confidence, or something along those lines.
In other news, because my GP is a bit of an arse when it comes to managing my transition including forgetting to send me for blood tests and the like, Dr Lorrimar is going to attempt to circumvent my GP in regards to vocal pitch/adam's apple surgery and try and get me referred. He is also going to see about finding out about trans friendly/experienced GPs in my area. Because quite frankly I feel like a bit of a rare specimen at my current surgery, but I'm scared of hopping from one clinic to another!
Basically, when I started my transition I felt incomplete. The wrong shape and out of balance. Today, I realized that I have breasts! I don't care if people know I have them or not. I know they are there. They make me feel right. They make me feel some way to being whole! I know longer need to slather layers of make up on just to visit the corner shop, thanks in part to a great new course of IPL. I do actually feel happy!
Sure, I get my days where I feel down. Where I feel sad and fed up with everything! But that everything doesn't actually contain my trans status and where I am in my journey! I have found my cottage with wisteria round the door! I don't need to cross that bridge just yet! I don't need to landscape the garden, so to speak! What gets me down is the mundane things in life! Money, work, social life, friends and family! Now I realize this I can try harder at making changes here and there in those areas of my life! But that's not a different journey to set out on. These are merely essential utilities to maintain my cottage!
So, I end my transition here, in a sense! Nothing will change, I will take the medication. I will go for the tests. I will keep up the house keeping. I am happy.
And should later on in time, I decide that I want a change of scenery. Well, I'll guess I'll cross that bridge when the time comes!!
It went extremely well. I've had a few doubts. Things I needed to weigh up in my mind and deal with. Things that need addressing, accounts that needed settling.
The moment I sat down in the first of two appointments today, I felt a strange sense of peace. A little shimmer of clarity! You can be sure I jammed a crowbar in that serenity and opened it up wide!! I knew what I had to do, the direction I must take. I took this same sense of surreal peace into my next appointment with the physcology specialist! I told him where I was and where I wanted to go!
I have reached the end of my transition. I have come, in a sense, to the end of this particular road. In analogy, I have found my cottage with the white picket fence, thatch roof and wisteria round the door! I am happy with where I am, and what treatments I am undergoing! I have decided no major genital surgery for me at this time. Aside from the usual check ups and regular injections there is not much the GIC can do for me. Not in regards to my transition, at least. The little cottage is at a bridge and it's not a bridge I plan on burning just yet!
I was all ready to sign off with the psychology department when I started to talk about the twisted conflict that my paranoid introvert self and socially confident side faces when ever I plan to go anywhere. Dr Lorrimar suggested that he refer me to another department within the GIC that is part of the West London Mental Health Services! In short, someone who can possibly assist in helping me with these anxiety pangs I get without resorting to medication! So, I'm still on the GIC's books which will make it easier for me to get to speak to this other department about other problems I face. He said it would be a shame to squander the new found confidence, or something along those lines.
In other news, because my GP is a bit of an arse when it comes to managing my transition including forgetting to send me for blood tests and the like, Dr Lorrimar is going to attempt to circumvent my GP in regards to vocal pitch/adam's apple surgery and try and get me referred. He is also going to see about finding out about trans friendly/experienced GPs in my area. Because quite frankly I feel like a bit of a rare specimen at my current surgery, but I'm scared of hopping from one clinic to another!
Basically, when I started my transition I felt incomplete. The wrong shape and out of balance. Today, I realized that I have breasts! I don't care if people know I have them or not. I know they are there. They make me feel right. They make me feel some way to being whole! I know longer need to slather layers of make up on just to visit the corner shop, thanks in part to a great new course of IPL. I do actually feel happy!
Sure, I get my days where I feel down. Where I feel sad and fed up with everything! But that everything doesn't actually contain my trans status and where I am in my journey! I have found my cottage with wisteria round the door! I don't need to cross that bridge just yet! I don't need to landscape the garden, so to speak! What gets me down is the mundane things in life! Money, work, social life, friends and family! Now I realize this I can try harder at making changes here and there in those areas of my life! But that's not a different journey to set out on. These are merely essential utilities to maintain my cottage!
So, I end my transition here, in a sense! Nothing will change, I will take the medication. I will go for the tests. I will keep up the house keeping. I am happy.
And should later on in time, I decide that I want a change of scenery. Well, I'll guess I'll cross that bridge when the time comes!!