Introvert Anxiety Problems
Well hello dear readers,
If I have any readers, of course!
I have a problem. Well, if you've read any of this you know I have several problems but some you truly don't realize you have until it starts affecting those around you. Those that try to help!
But let's start with one basic truth! I get anxiety attacks and I would call myself an introvert.
Why would I say that? The introvert part, we'll get to the anxiety later. Well, I prefer my own company, I'm a poor communicator of my feelings, I don't do well in large social gatherings and I dislike crowds. Especially unexpected crowds! I have a vast dislike of public transport, especially when it goes wrong. I like to plan everything down to a refined art before I even plan on leaving the house!
This is where I have a problem. As much as I like my own company I want to be more sociable. There is something pathological in my head that drives me to seek the company of others. People I like and share interests with. I could easily do this online, and often have scintillating conversations thanks to the power of the World Wide Web! I don't mind inviting people into my home as it is my space, that I control! But the world doesn't revolve around me, despite my Truman Show like paranoia! Occasionally I need to get out the house and go meet people. I have taken on commitments that require my attention past my doorstep! And this is good for me! If I don't I get depressed, I'll sleep my life away and I will be that little old lady that starts to refuse to open the door! I am scared that I'll become scared of the outside world and I don't want that. The outside is beautiful, even the grimy places have their own little beauty!
But I have that conflict with my introvert self that wants to stay home. That part of me that niggles away at my well laid plans! And then boom, something happens beyond my control and anxiety takes over. And once that takes over there is no chance of it giving up those reins until the door is safely bolted behind me. Till I can sit in the darkness of my flat, anxiety rules my body with an iron fist! I have often had to fight it out of doors and I have often been successful, often at a price! I scratch at my arm till it bleeds, I pull at my hair, I will fidget, I will cry, I will rock back and forth and I will hyperventilate. If I succeed in fighting this demon I am left with a desire to puke, a screaming headache and bloody arm. If I don't succeed, I am still left with the headache, the bloody arm and the desire to puke, but now I'm hyper agitated. Everyone of those introvert qualities are intensified!
I have had more anxiety attacks of late and I have slowly realized that of late I have made more attempts at becoming a social butterfly! It seems in pushing myself to get over this hurdle I have only raised it. I am only making things harder on myself. But there are people out there that I care deeply for. People who brighten my day. People who make the pangs of anxiety worth it. It's just when the pangs cross over into an actual episode! And I wish I knew how to deal with it, without it actually killing me! People have suggested medications but I don't want to see the world through chemically induced rose tinted goggles. I worry what I'll miss if I'm popping pills to lock away my anxiety! My anxiety is what makes me alert. And there you see my problem. An introvert with social desire, controlled by a tyrant who has been given free reign by the people!
I want normality! I don't want fear and toxicity, I don't want to lock away my mind! I don't want to shut myself away from the world. I tried it once and found it depressing.
If I have any readers, of course!
I have a problem. Well, if you've read any of this you know I have several problems but some you truly don't realize you have until it starts affecting those around you. Those that try to help!
But let's start with one basic truth! I get anxiety attacks and I would call myself an introvert.
Why would I say that? The introvert part, we'll get to the anxiety later. Well, I prefer my own company, I'm a poor communicator of my feelings, I don't do well in large social gatherings and I dislike crowds. Especially unexpected crowds! I have a vast dislike of public transport, especially when it goes wrong. I like to plan everything down to a refined art before I even plan on leaving the house!
This is where I have a problem. As much as I like my own company I want to be more sociable. There is something pathological in my head that drives me to seek the company of others. People I like and share interests with. I could easily do this online, and often have scintillating conversations thanks to the power of the World Wide Web! I don't mind inviting people into my home as it is my space, that I control! But the world doesn't revolve around me, despite my Truman Show like paranoia! Occasionally I need to get out the house and go meet people. I have taken on commitments that require my attention past my doorstep! And this is good for me! If I don't I get depressed, I'll sleep my life away and I will be that little old lady that starts to refuse to open the door! I am scared that I'll become scared of the outside world and I don't want that. The outside is beautiful, even the grimy places have their own little beauty!
But I have that conflict with my introvert self that wants to stay home. That part of me that niggles away at my well laid plans! And then boom, something happens beyond my control and anxiety takes over. And once that takes over there is no chance of it giving up those reins until the door is safely bolted behind me. Till I can sit in the darkness of my flat, anxiety rules my body with an iron fist! I have often had to fight it out of doors and I have often been successful, often at a price! I scratch at my arm till it bleeds, I pull at my hair, I will fidget, I will cry, I will rock back and forth and I will hyperventilate. If I succeed in fighting this demon I am left with a desire to puke, a screaming headache and bloody arm. If I don't succeed, I am still left with the headache, the bloody arm and the desire to puke, but now I'm hyper agitated. Everyone of those introvert qualities are intensified!
I have had more anxiety attacks of late and I have slowly realized that of late I have made more attempts at becoming a social butterfly! It seems in pushing myself to get over this hurdle I have only raised it. I am only making things harder on myself. But there are people out there that I care deeply for. People who brighten my day. People who make the pangs of anxiety worth it. It's just when the pangs cross over into an actual episode! And I wish I knew how to deal with it, without it actually killing me! People have suggested medications but I don't want to see the world through chemically induced rose tinted goggles. I worry what I'll miss if I'm popping pills to lock away my anxiety! My anxiety is what makes me alert. And there you see my problem. An introvert with social desire, controlled by a tyrant who has been given free reign by the people!
I want normality! I don't want fear and toxicity, I don't want to lock away my mind! I don't want to shut myself away from the world. I tried it once and found it depressing.