[IC (Erenar)] On death.
I suppose it is about time I used this little book for its full intended purpose. There is entirely too much time to think when one lacks the need to sleep.
...I once thought the most disconcerting thing to be simply waking in an unfamiliar place. I now know this to be false.
The most disconcerting thing is to wake in an unfamiliar place, in an only-somewhat-familiar body, and realize you are dead. It is...I'm unsure how to put it beyond that but I am certain the living would not understand it, were I to attempt to explain it. ...Considering the necessary experience I hope they never do. Not that death has not had its uses, of course, but I believe it is hardly a fair trade.
I never really was much of a capable protector, despite the manner in which I died; death has changed that. Deadened nerves take blows much more easily, a body that lacks the needs of the living does not tire, a mind that does not sleep is ever aware, but naturally (unnaturally?) being a corpse has its own particular...problems. I am unaware whether it was some time before I was raised or if it was merely poorly done (though I assume the former, I doubt shoddy work would have been tolerated) but the worms are quite a bother. They have been rather persistent as well, unfortunately...the bird does eat them but I suspect that if all of the worms were to be food I would need a flock of birds to take care of that many. A flock of rather fat birds. (Note to self, do find someone who may be able to get rid of the damned things.)
It is a small wonder to me that I have managed to keep living friends, really. I had been under the impression they did not usually take kindly to such things but some of them seem...quite unperturbed. I suppose that having been allied with the Forsaken since before my death has gotten the Horde at large somewhat used to the undead, or somesuch. It does somewhat make sense but it is still something that takes getting used to...though there are still those who do have the expected reaction and claim we don't even have souls or other such insults. I would very much like to believe we do, but how does one prove it?
There are many impressions of mine that seem to have been mistaken, truth be told- and if I cannot tell the truth here, to myself, where can I? That rejoining society would be much more difficult. That I might not be able to return to Silvermoon. That the dead do not feel. That last seems to be problematic; I can pretend all I like but that doesn't mean they'll go away. A shame.
...and the largest question is whether or not I am still close enough to my former self to be the same person, whether I truly do remain Erenorien Sunseeker or Erenar. I have been fairly convinced of one and the other, at various points...perhaps this also comes down to the proof of a soul. Could it be proved I have the same one, though? The story the troll Zurali told, of the capability of warlocks to transfer souls between bodies- but would I still remember my life if that had happened? Is memory part of the soul? Those that my blade has fed on, would they remember their lives if they were removed from it somehow?... Can they be taken from it? If it does prove possible, perhaps I will be able to find at least one answer.
At any rate, while it remains a question, I suppose I will...compromise. I am Erenar Sunseeker, death knight and sin'dorei. For now, that is good enough.
...I once thought the most disconcerting thing to be simply waking in an unfamiliar place. I now know this to be false.
The most disconcerting thing is to wake in an unfamiliar place, in an only-somewhat-familiar body, and realize you are dead. It is...I'm unsure how to put it beyond that but I am certain the living would not understand it, were I to attempt to explain it. ...Considering the necessary experience I hope they never do. Not that death has not had its uses, of course, but I believe it is hardly a fair trade.
I never really was much of a capable protector, despite the manner in which I died; death has changed that. Deadened nerves take blows much more easily, a body that lacks the needs of the living does not tire, a mind that does not sleep is ever aware, but naturally (unnaturally?) being a corpse has its own particular...problems. I am unaware whether it was some time before I was raised or if it was merely poorly done (though I assume the former, I doubt shoddy work would have been tolerated) but the worms are quite a bother. They have been rather persistent as well, unfortunately...the bird does eat them but I suspect that if all of the worms were to be food I would need a flock of birds to take care of that many. A flock of rather fat birds. (Note to self, do find someone who may be able to get rid of the damned things.)
It is a small wonder to me that I have managed to keep living friends, really. I had been under the impression they did not usually take kindly to such things but some of them seem...quite unperturbed. I suppose that having been allied with the Forsaken since before my death has gotten the Horde at large somewhat used to the undead, or somesuch. It does somewhat make sense but it is still something that takes getting used to...though there are still those who do have the expected reaction and claim we don't even have souls or other such insults. I would very much like to believe we do, but how does one prove it?
There are many impressions of mine that seem to have been mistaken, truth be told- and if I cannot tell the truth here, to myself, where can I? That rejoining society would be much more difficult. That I might not be able to return to Silvermoon. That the dead do not feel. That last seems to be problematic; I can pretend all I like but that doesn't mean they'll go away. A shame.
...and the largest question is whether or not I am still close enough to my former self to be the same person, whether I truly do remain Erenorien Sunseeker or Erenar. I have been fairly convinced of one and the other, at various points...perhaps this also comes down to the proof of a soul. Could it be proved I have the same one, though? The story the troll Zurali told, of the capability of warlocks to transfer souls between bodies- but would I still remember my life if that had happened? Is memory part of the soul? Those that my blade has fed on, would they remember their lives if they were removed from it somehow?... Can they be taken from it? If it does prove possible, perhaps I will be able to find at least one answer.
At any rate, while it remains a question, I suppose I will...compromise. I am Erenar Sunseeker, death knight and sin'dorei. For now, that is good enough.