It's been a long time LJ....
And a lot of things have happened...
How am I? I could say I'm doing well, but it'd be a lie. I've been battling hardcore depression and thoughts of suicide for the past year or so. Also believe I may be suffering from paranoid schizophrenia but thats a whole nother can of worms.
I've kept a job for a while. Still working for the welding place, almost been there two years now. They still haven't hired me but I've got paid vacation/holidays now so thats nice.
Still living with my parents. They've been forcing me to save and I'm actually not in a bad position financially, at least compared to when I last posted here.
The depression is the real killer I guess, I had made an appointment to see a psychologist but I got nervous and never went. My mental state has been...deteriorating to say the least. I've gained a nasty involuntary twitch and started to hear/speak to voices that aren't there. Honestly I don't know what to do with my life, and the more and more I think about it, the worse I feel.
Also been slowly realizing just how horrible of a person I've become. I have driven away some close friends just by being an opinionated asshole. I'm full of hate lately and have been lashing out at people, and harbored dark thoughts of murder-suicide.
Needless to say it's been rough, not to mention that my main escapes, the furry/brony fandoms? I've felt less and less a part of them with each day. I'd like to attend cons/meets again but with my current mental state? I don't know how good an idea that would be, plus my parents wouldn't let me spend the money. I've been on a strict saving routine, only got to take a short vacation to new york(for bronycon) and georgia(to see friends) this year.
My physical health hasn't been much better. I've developed upper back pain from my job and my horrible diet seems to be catching up with me. I may already have the early stages of diabetes/heart problems.
Everything has just been piling on top of me, and at this juncture I feel powerless to stop it. I know I can, but why? The lethargy has been stopping me at every point, and some days I wonder if its even worth it to try anymore. I hold some glimmer of hope, but that spark doesn't have much left in it at this point, feels like each day I'm closer to taking my own life, just so I don't have to deal with these things anymore.
Sorry to be such a downer after a long time of silence on here but I figure its better to be honest, I still consider most of you friends and pretending that it's all ok is nothing but a downright lie. I just don't know what to do anymore, nor if I should do anything.
How am I? I could say I'm doing well, but it'd be a lie. I've been battling hardcore depression and thoughts of suicide for the past year or so. Also believe I may be suffering from paranoid schizophrenia but thats a whole nother can of worms.
I've kept a job for a while. Still working for the welding place, almost been there two years now. They still haven't hired me but I've got paid vacation/holidays now so thats nice.
Still living with my parents. They've been forcing me to save and I'm actually not in a bad position financially, at least compared to when I last posted here.
The depression is the real killer I guess, I had made an appointment to see a psychologist but I got nervous and never went. My mental state has been...deteriorating to say the least. I've gained a nasty involuntary twitch and started to hear/speak to voices that aren't there. Honestly I don't know what to do with my life, and the more and more I think about it, the worse I feel.
Also been slowly realizing just how horrible of a person I've become. I have driven away some close friends just by being an opinionated asshole. I'm full of hate lately and have been lashing out at people, and harbored dark thoughts of murder-suicide.
Needless to say it's been rough, not to mention that my main escapes, the furry/brony fandoms? I've felt less and less a part of them with each day. I'd like to attend cons/meets again but with my current mental state? I don't know how good an idea that would be, plus my parents wouldn't let me spend the money. I've been on a strict saving routine, only got to take a short vacation to new york(for bronycon) and georgia(to see friends) this year.
My physical health hasn't been much better. I've developed upper back pain from my job and my horrible diet seems to be catching up with me. I may already have the early stages of diabetes/heart problems.
Everything has just been piling on top of me, and at this juncture I feel powerless to stop it. I know I can, but why? The lethargy has been stopping me at every point, and some days I wonder if its even worth it to try anymore. I hold some glimmer of hope, but that spark doesn't have much left in it at this point, feels like each day I'm closer to taking my own life, just so I don't have to deal with these things anymore.
Sorry to be such a downer after a long time of silence on here but I figure its better to be honest, I still consider most of you friends and pretending that it's all ok is nothing but a downright lie. I just don't know what to do anymore, nor if I should do anything.