My crazy
I don't expect many of you to read this, but it might just give you a little more insight into my crazy mind.
A little known fact about me? I spend probably 50%-80% of my conscious hours in a fantasy daydream. Literally. In fact, I've been doing this for so many years that I've gotten very adept putting my body on autopilot.
So how do I spend my other waking hours? Well I do one of two things. Either I'm planning out elaborate new scenarios for my daydreams(I'm serious, I will spend hours doing this) because I'm bored of the current one, or I'll be playing back past or future moments in my life, thinking of every single possible variable to determine how the event could've/could been/be. This is usually centered around embarrassing or shameful past experiences. I will obsessively pour over every single facet until I find the perfect way it could've turned out. Then repeat the scenario in my mind over and over again until I actually believe my own imaginary version of the event. It helps me cope since I tend to dwell on past mistakes for years.(I'm not kidding, I'm still trying to get over the embarrassment of things I said to my parents when I was 8 years old)
I don't know if doing any of these things makes me some weird psycho or something but it's been my only coping method for years. If I wasn't so good at creating my own escapist fantasies I would've killed myself a long time ago. This is also how I stave off the depression concerning the pathetic state of my life as it stands now. The only difference being that instead of the past I create very elaborate memories of how my life could be in a few years, mostly centering around somehow amassing sudden wealth then pursing my petty dreams unhindered by the crushing reality of my actual financial status. These particular daydreams help keep my mind off of how much I'm ruining my real life.
It's now to the point where I'm almost not even bothered by my declining health/finances/mental state because the fantasies are so much more comforting to me that I really could care less about my actual problems. I always just sink back into a daydream and I'm happy again, why bother dealing with the real world?
Is this a cry for help? I don't know, to be honest it's getting increasingly difficult to discern which memories are real and which I just made up to forget a bad experience. For all I know I could've posted this before. I simply can't tell. Maybe that's why I tend to repeat myself?
Hope this sheds some light on my strange behavior and helps you all understand why I act the way I do. Honestly since it makes me happy and keeps me from suicide, I really don't see a problem but...my inability to tell fantasy from reality can sometimes be frightening.
-Towyn
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
A little known fact about me? I spend probably 50%-80% of my conscious hours in a fantasy daydream. Literally. In fact, I've been doing this for so many years that I've gotten very adept putting my body on autopilot.
So how do I spend my other waking hours? Well I do one of two things. Either I'm planning out elaborate new scenarios for my daydreams(I'm serious, I will spend hours doing this) because I'm bored of the current one, or I'll be playing back past or future moments in my life, thinking of every single possible variable to determine how the event could've/could been/be. This is usually centered around embarrassing or shameful past experiences. I will obsessively pour over every single facet until I find the perfect way it could've turned out. Then repeat the scenario in my mind over and over again until I actually believe my own imaginary version of the event. It helps me cope since I tend to dwell on past mistakes for years.(I'm not kidding, I'm still trying to get over the embarrassment of things I said to my parents when I was 8 years old)
I don't know if doing any of these things makes me some weird psycho or something but it's been my only coping method for years. If I wasn't so good at creating my own escapist fantasies I would've killed myself a long time ago. This is also how I stave off the depression concerning the pathetic state of my life as it stands now. The only difference being that instead of the past I create very elaborate memories of how my life could be in a few years, mostly centering around somehow amassing sudden wealth then pursing my petty dreams unhindered by the crushing reality of my actual financial status. These particular daydreams help keep my mind off of how much I'm ruining my real life.
It's now to the point where I'm almost not even bothered by my declining health/finances/mental state because the fantasies are so much more comforting to me that I really could care less about my actual problems. I always just sink back into a daydream and I'm happy again, why bother dealing with the real world?
Is this a cry for help? I don't know, to be honest it's getting increasingly difficult to discern which memories are real and which I just made up to forget a bad experience. For all I know I could've posted this before. I simply can't tell. Maybe that's why I tend to repeat myself?
Hope this sheds some light on my strange behavior and helps you all understand why I act the way I do. Honestly since it makes me happy and keeps me from suicide, I really don't see a problem but...my inability to tell fantasy from reality can sometimes be frightening.
-Towyn
Posted via m.livejournal.com.