I should explain
Instead of replying to all the comments in my last post I figured it'd be more efficient to just make an overarching reply in its own post.
A lot of you noted that I've never actually said what was bothering me, just made lots of similar posts about how depressed I was about various predicaments I find myself in. Well unfortunately what's "bothering me" isn't very simple, though for the sake of clarity, I'll try my best to explain it.
First off I'm not upset over any one thing, rather it's a combination of events/feelings that have put me in the position that I am in now. I'll try to keep them as clear as possible to avoid any confusion. I'll also be brutally honest, because at this point I just want help.
Food. A lot of you mentioned that changing my diet would greatly improve my mood, which I don't doubt and would be willing to do. In fact, I've tried eating new things many times over the past few years. The issue lies in a very traumatic event that occurred when I was a toddler. For the sake of space I won't elaborate because I believe I've said it before but the fact still remains that I'm left with a paralyzing phobia of food. I do not like to be offered food, I don't like things I'm not familiar with, and any attempt to do otherwise usually ends up with me vomiting. Even when I try to force myselfto eat a salad, which I have done multiple times, I will throw it up after the first bite. This is an issue that I've struggled with for years and has proven very difficult to deal with. It bothers me because I know I'm missing out on food that I would love.
The next thing is a bit more embarrassing, but bears noting. I have found over the years that I do not find other human beings attractive. In fact it's quite the opposite, I find the human form repulsive, even my own. Which probably explains why I neglect grooming and only hold a minimum standard of personal hygiene. I've come to realize that I'm sexually attracted to animals, which I'm sure isn't unheard of in this fandom but I'm greatly ashamed of this. Not only is it socially reprehensible but because I have no interest in my own species I am destined to die alone and unloved. I know that sounds a bit "forever alone" but it's true. I'm more bothered that I have those feelings than the idea of being single forever.
Following that, I am bothered by how my life ended up. I have valued material wealth and recognition ever since I was a child, and I grew up expecting to be much different than I am now. I spent my entire childhood hearing just how smart and talented I was, I never wanted and always had everything I asked for. I'm not going to sugar coat it, I had a pretty privileged life and still do to a point. I was totally unprepared for the real world. Now I'm depressed because my entire life was a lie. I'm not smart, I'm not talented, and I'm not someone respected. I'm aware that I could take steps to change that but it's not easy. I don't know where to begin and it all seems so overwhelming.
That brings me to another one. My goals and dreams. I've never really wanted to do anything "real" with my life. I've tried to make goals but they always fade away and I give them up. It bothers me that I'm so obsessed with Sci-Fi and Fantasy that I only seem to be interested in impossible things. When I ponder what I'd like to do with my life I always think of childish things like a space explorer or a legendary warrior. I believe that I cling to escapist fantasies as a defense mechanism against my depression but I'm no psychologist so it's just conjuncture. In fact it's such a problem that I don't even know what I like other than those things. I've gotten to the point were I barely know myself and have no clue what direction to take my life, if it's not an escape I'm not interested and that's an issue I need to tackle.
Finally, the last thing that bothers me? It may surprise you to know that I do not take joy in having such vastly different political views/opinions than most of you. Quite the contrary, I constantly question my own viewpoint because so many seem hell-bent on hating me for the things I express. So much so that at times I'm not sure what I believe and it hurts me to have so much hate directed my way simply because I don't agree with something or don't fully understand another's position. It also does not help that I grew up in a conservative family and those values were ingrained in me deeply. I feel strongly about them and thus, react strongly when I feel those views are threatened. If I offended you in the past I truly sorry.
All the above is most of what causes my day to day depression. At least the major reasons. I feel so overwhelmed by everything thats constantly running through my head. The thought of trying to tackle each issue one at a time seems impossible because I can't help but focus on them all. Every time I find hope its quickly put out by something. I also should tell you why I ditched my therapy appointment, I got extremely nervous and didn't want to go. The thought of being judged by all those other people and potentially barred from pursuing my dreams due to mental illness caused a panic response and I was adamant about not going. Even thinking about it gives me the chills. It also bears noting that most the mistakes I've made have left me with a nasty fear of failure that nags at me every time I work up the courage to do something about all this.
Well, I've dragged on far too long and if you actually read this whole thing, bravo. Like I said in my previous post, I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and no one can help me. I would genuinely appreciate any advice.