Fic: We Both Know We've Been Here Before
Title: We Both Know We've Been Here Before
Disclaimer: I don't own em,if I did it would probably have to be on another channel.
Rating: R-ish I suppose. I'm not really sure.
Warnings: A little bit of language, talks of alcoholism, talk about death, angst
Characters: Kurt, Burt, Artie, Mr. Schue and a little bit of Puck.
Word count: 2,570
Spoilers: Lets say through season one to be safe.
Summary: An important date causes Burt to have another slip up, and Kurt has a meltdown.
A/N: This is a sequel to He Remembered and 12 Step Program, step 13 Relapse so I suggest you read those first or this might not make a whole ton of sense. So yes, this has been turned into a verse! This was done so because I had a very real fear BaronBacon may actually die if I didn't.
It had been six months since Burt had gone on his last drinking binge and he was doing well. Or as well as he could be doing at least. Things were going fine and Kurt had managed to get most of his friends to back off and stop treating him like he was going to fall apart at any given moment. It’s not until his Uncle David and his Aunt Mildred came to visit that Burt’s sobriety took another hit. Mildred smelled like a distillery on her best of days, but when he came home from school and the whole house reeked of alcohol he realized he may need to pack a bag and see about staying with a friend for the weekend.
At the moment, only his dad was home, sitting on the couch with several bottles littered around him. Kurt sighed, standing in the doorframe. When Burt finally lifted his head and noticed him in the doorway he frowned before glancing at the bottles.
“I only had a few.” From the way his voice slurred, it was a few to many.
“Dad,” Kurt couldn’t keep the disappointment out of his voice. He did understand, honestly he did, but he couldn’t just sit by and pretend this was ok. He knew it was a bad idea for them to come visit, especially now. Burt surged to his feet, and Kurt took a wary step back. Something about that seemed to register in Burt’s fogged over mind though before he frowned.
“They should be back soon with some food.” Burt said as if that would just make the fact he’d been drinking in the first place ok.
“That’s good Dad. I’m only home long enough to get some stuff, I’m going to stay with a friend this weekend.” Something flickered across his dad’s face, and Kurt steeled himself, because he can see the anger simmering under the surface.
“The anniversary is on Sunday.” It was spat out and Kurt cringed. He’s well aware that the anniversary of his mother’s death landed on Sunday this year. His friends were aware of it too he’s sure because he’d been a little moody at school.
“I know Dad; I’ll be at the cemetery at four, like always.”
“But you’re going to leave me now.” His dad snarled, and Kurt had to resist the urge to back up another step.
“We talked about this Dad, I already told you, I’m not going to wait around until you do something you’re going to regret. I’m removing myself from the situation before it gets out of hand.” He quickly headed into his basement before his father had a chance to reply. He packed a bag quickly, he wasn’t really even sure where he intended to go, he just couldn’t stay there, not right now. So he packed his bag and quickly made his way back out, as he’s passing the living room he could see that he’s dad had already chugged down another beer and was working on another.
“Sometimes,” His dad voice was low and Kurt paused in the frame again. “Sometimes, I wish it had been you.” And it just hung there, heavy and hurtful, and Kurt blinked a few times before swallowing against the lump in his throat.
Kurt made it to the porch before the tears overwhelmed him and he had to fight to get himself under control. He tried to figure out where to go; Finn was out of the question. He’ll mother hen him to much and Kurt didn’t need that right now. Mercedes would be concerned, but she also had Quinn and Tina over for some sort of girl bonding thing, and he really didn’t want to bother them.
So he ended up just walking, bag slung over his shoulder until he reached the park, taking a seat on one of the benches. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting on one of the benches before someone settled down next to him. He turned to look and was surprised to find Mr. Schue sitting there, his teacher wasn’t actually looking at him, he was watching the sun start to set over the trees before he spoke to him.
“Is it bad?” He asked and Kurt glanced back at him. “You have a duffle bag with you.”
“My aunt and uncle are in town and they aren’t a very good influence. It doesn’t help that Sunday is the anniversary of my mom’s death, and he takes that day hard as it is.”
“Finn told me about how you’re handling it.” And something about that made Kurt cringe, because he really didn’t want people to know about what was going on. Especially his teacher, who could in theory report this if he felt he needed too.
“He didn’t hit me if that’s what you’re worried about.” Kurt assured him, but went back to staring at the trees.
“No, but he must have done something.” Mr. Schue said and Kurt cringed in on himself. “Where are you going to be staying?”
“I don’t know yet.” Kurt admitted, and Mr. Schue frowned.
“I have a couch if you nee somewhere to stay Kurt.” He said at last, and Kurt jerked in surprise.
“Mr. Schue, that’s very kind of you, but I don’t want to drag you into this. It’s bad enough the others know. It wasn’t anything I ever intended to share.”
“Maybe not, but we do know. Everyone in glee club, that includes me too, we all care Kurt. We just want you to be safe, and if you feel like you need to get out of your house for a while, we all want you to know you can come to us.”
“I-” Kurt was about to protest, but he’s touched by his teachers words. “Thank you Mr. Schue, let me just check to see if Artie will take me for the weekend.” Artie called him back instead of texting, asking him where he was and if he needed his dad to come and get him. Mr. Schue took the phone from him, ignoring Kurt’s startled sound of protest.
“Don’t worry Artie, I’ll bring him over.” He assured the other boy. He got Artie’s address and steered Kurt towards his car. The ride was silent, and Kurt chewed on his lower lip the entire ride. Once the pulled into Artie’s driveway, Mr. Schue stalled Kurt briefly. “Kurt, just remember we’re all here if you need us ok?”
“Thanks Mr. Schue.” And Kurt flashed him a quick, but real smile. Making sure he actually got inside, Mr. Schue waited in the driveway and couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at his lips when Mrs. Abrams gave Kurt a tight hug and ushered him inside.
*****************
Artie and his parents had been great, and when Sunday rolled around, Kurt explained quietly to Artie that he needed to go see his mom and that he would call him if anything. He made his way slowly to the cemetery, stopping to buy a bouquet of his mother’s favorite flowers. He reached the gravesite at three fifty. He gently laid the flower against the marker and waited. Four came and went with no sign of his father. Kurt waited until five before the tears started. He talked to his mom, did whatever he could to try and make this ok. It wasn’t, and he found he couldn’t actually make himself leave until nearly eight.
He texted Artie telling him what happened and that he was going to take a walk, and then head back over if his parents didn’t mind him staying for an extra night. He had an outfit for school tomorrow at least. Artie texted back quickly assuring him it was fine and asking if he needed anything. Kurt’s fingers felt heavy when he replied in the negative, slipping his phone back into his pocket
He started picking his way across town when he ran into Puck and Artie near the ice cream shop on Main Street. He wanted to ask what the hell they were doing there, but he was too tired to actually form the words, so instead he just allowed them to usher him inside. Once they’re seated with their ice cream Artie gently asked what had happened.
“He never showed up.” Kurt said flatly, and Puck flinched hearing the hurt in his voice. “He’s probably passed out or something. After school tomorrow I’ll go back home and see what’s going on.” If he needed to he’d see about trying to find somewhere to stay for a while, but he was really hoping it wasn’t going to come to that.
“Well eat your ice cream.” Puck said at last. “I’m pretty sure that makes everything better.” Both Artie and Kurt however, were a little grossed out by how Puck just inhaled his ice cream.
When they got back to Artie’s Kurt was quiet and subdued, but accepted the hug Mrs. Abrams gave him and the squeeze on the shoulder from Artie’s father before following Artie to his room. It was late and they both needed to sleep, but Kurt found himself awake long after Artie had drifted off.
*****************
Monday passed in a blur for Kurt, he couldn’t remember what he had done during class, and found himself hiding out from the others during lunch. Puck offered him a ride after school, but Kurt shook his head, that would just get him home all the faster and he wasn’t looking forward to having his conversation with his dad. He didn’t want to have it any sooner than he had too. Once he arrived he spent a few minutes staring at the house, before he let himself in.
The first thing he noticed was the distinct lack of the smell of alcohol. Next, he saw that all the bottles had been cleaned up and then he saw his father. Sitting on the couch waiting for him, Kurt entered the room without prompting and took a seat in the chair near the sofa, drawing his legs up and twisting around to watch his dad.
“I’m so sorry.” His dad started, watching Kurt with red rimmed eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t go to the cemetery, I’m sorry I made you go stay with a friend, I’m sorry for all of that.”
“You always are Dad.” Kurt said tiredly. “But I can’t keep doing this. I can’t just wait for the next thing to happen and wait for the fall out. It’s not fair to my friends for me to ask to stay with them for days at a time. It’s not fair to me to be driven out of my home. It’s not fair to you either; I don’t doubt you feel so guilty afterwards. But Dad, I meant what I said before. I can’t just wait around for you to hurt me again. You may not have hit me but-”
“I said something.” Burt said, and he seems to be struggling to remember what exactly it was. “What did I say to you?”
“Dad-”
“I need to know Kurt, what did I say?”
“You said sometimes you wished it was me.” There’s a heavy silence and Burt looked absolutely horrified, and Kurt suddenly felt overwhelmingly angry. His dad couldn’t keep doing this; he didn’t get to keep doing this. “I think I always knew that though, somewhere deep down. I was in the car, if the other guy had hit us just a little further back, I’m the one who would have taken the burnt of the impact, Mom would have been hurt but ok.”
“Kurt!”
“No, you think I don’t think about that too? You don’t think I sometimes wish the exact same thing? Yeah dad, sometimes I wish it was me too.” Kurt’s out of his chair by then, and he was pacing in agitation as his dad watched on horrified.
“Kurt,” He tried again, but something about that just set off the last little bit of composure Kurt had and he just released what he was feeling in a swell of words.
“You’re not the only one who got a raw deal dad. You lost your wife, and I lost my mom. You have Carole now though. I’m really glad she’s given you another chance, and I really don’t want you to mess this up. She’ll never be mom, but you found someone else you can love. But even if you two should somewhere down the line get married, you’d have another wife, but she won’t be my mom. I’ll never get that again. I do remember how hard it was to lose her, I may have been little, but I remember.”
“I know you do. I know how hard it was when she died.” Burt protested, but Kurt shook his head.
“But you weren’t there, I was. I saw her die dad, that wasn‘t something you had to see.” Tears were rolling down his cheeks by that point. “You were there for the aftermath. You didn’t have to see it, not like I did. She held my hand as she bled to death. I saw something at six that most people never have to see, and I really, really needed my dad then.”
“I didn’t-”
“I’m so tired dad.” Kurt shut his eyes for a moment. “I’m so tired of having to be the strong one. I’m your kid; you’re supposed to be looking out for me, not the other way around.”
“You never tell me anything!” Burt protested.
“Because I’m afraid of how you’ll react! You can either do something really wonderful like defend me, or you could fall into this woe is me; it’s all my fault bullshit. I never know what to expect. You had been doing so well, and you had a slip up when you fought with Carole. I forgave you for that. You had a slip up now because of Mom, and I can forgive you for that too, but how many more times am I going to have to forgive you dad?”
Burt’s mouth moved soundlessly and he finally got up and tugged Kurt to his chest in a hug. His son stiffened in his hold, but he didn’t pull away, and Burt could feel wetness soaking into his shirt. He wondered just how long Kurt had been bottling all of this up for, and how receptive he would have been to this prior to this moment in time.
“Life is hard enough as it is for me dad, please, stop making it harder.” Burt just tightened his hold before taking a deep breath and pulling back a little.
“I’m going to a meeting tonight.” He informed Kurt who nodded tiredly. “And I think it might be a good idea for you to start going to a meeting too.” When Kurt’s eyes flashed up to meet his looking a little confused he continued. “Alateen, it’s like Al-non for younger people. I think it might be good for you to be able to talk to kids who can relate.”
“That actually sounds like a good idea.” Kurt agreed and Burt pulled Kurt back to him, folding his arms around him.
“I’m so sorry Kurt, but I’m going to fix it.”
Kurt wasn’t sure if his father could ever actually fix it, but just has he had in all the years prior, he believed him when he said he was going to anyhow.
Disclaimer: I don't own em,if I did it would probably have to be on another channel.
Rating: R-ish I suppose. I'm not really sure.
Warnings: A little bit of language, talks of alcoholism, talk about death, angst
Characters: Kurt, Burt, Artie, Mr. Schue and a little bit of Puck.
Word count: 2,570
Spoilers: Lets say through season one to be safe.
Summary: An important date causes Burt to have another slip up, and Kurt has a meltdown.
A/N: This is a sequel to He Remembered and 12 Step Program, step 13 Relapse so I suggest you read those first or this might not make a whole ton of sense. So yes, this has been turned into a verse! This was done so because I had a very real fear BaronBacon may actually die if I didn't.
It had been six months since Burt had gone on his last drinking binge and he was doing well. Or as well as he could be doing at least. Things were going fine and Kurt had managed to get most of his friends to back off and stop treating him like he was going to fall apart at any given moment. It’s not until his Uncle David and his Aunt Mildred came to visit that Burt’s sobriety took another hit. Mildred smelled like a distillery on her best of days, but when he came home from school and the whole house reeked of alcohol he realized he may need to pack a bag and see about staying with a friend for the weekend.
At the moment, only his dad was home, sitting on the couch with several bottles littered around him. Kurt sighed, standing in the doorframe. When Burt finally lifted his head and noticed him in the doorway he frowned before glancing at the bottles.
“I only had a few.” From the way his voice slurred, it was a few to many.
“Dad,” Kurt couldn’t keep the disappointment out of his voice. He did understand, honestly he did, but he couldn’t just sit by and pretend this was ok. He knew it was a bad idea for them to come visit, especially now. Burt surged to his feet, and Kurt took a wary step back. Something about that seemed to register in Burt’s fogged over mind though before he frowned.
“They should be back soon with some food.” Burt said as if that would just make the fact he’d been drinking in the first place ok.
“That’s good Dad. I’m only home long enough to get some stuff, I’m going to stay with a friend this weekend.” Something flickered across his dad’s face, and Kurt steeled himself, because he can see the anger simmering under the surface.
“The anniversary is on Sunday.” It was spat out and Kurt cringed. He’s well aware that the anniversary of his mother’s death landed on Sunday this year. His friends were aware of it too he’s sure because he’d been a little moody at school.
“I know Dad; I’ll be at the cemetery at four, like always.”
“But you’re going to leave me now.” His dad snarled, and Kurt had to resist the urge to back up another step.
“We talked about this Dad, I already told you, I’m not going to wait around until you do something you’re going to regret. I’m removing myself from the situation before it gets out of hand.” He quickly headed into his basement before his father had a chance to reply. He packed a bag quickly, he wasn’t really even sure where he intended to go, he just couldn’t stay there, not right now. So he packed his bag and quickly made his way back out, as he’s passing the living room he could see that he’s dad had already chugged down another beer and was working on another.
“Sometimes,” His dad voice was low and Kurt paused in the frame again. “Sometimes, I wish it had been you.” And it just hung there, heavy and hurtful, and Kurt blinked a few times before swallowing against the lump in his throat.
Kurt made it to the porch before the tears overwhelmed him and he had to fight to get himself under control. He tried to figure out where to go; Finn was out of the question. He’ll mother hen him to much and Kurt didn’t need that right now. Mercedes would be concerned, but she also had Quinn and Tina over for some sort of girl bonding thing, and he really didn’t want to bother them.
So he ended up just walking, bag slung over his shoulder until he reached the park, taking a seat on one of the benches. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting on one of the benches before someone settled down next to him. He turned to look and was surprised to find Mr. Schue sitting there, his teacher wasn’t actually looking at him, he was watching the sun start to set over the trees before he spoke to him.
“Is it bad?” He asked and Kurt glanced back at him. “You have a duffle bag with you.”
“My aunt and uncle are in town and they aren’t a very good influence. It doesn’t help that Sunday is the anniversary of my mom’s death, and he takes that day hard as it is.”
“Finn told me about how you’re handling it.” And something about that made Kurt cringe, because he really didn’t want people to know about what was going on. Especially his teacher, who could in theory report this if he felt he needed too.
“He didn’t hit me if that’s what you’re worried about.” Kurt assured him, but went back to staring at the trees.
“No, but he must have done something.” Mr. Schue said and Kurt cringed in on himself. “Where are you going to be staying?”
“I don’t know yet.” Kurt admitted, and Mr. Schue frowned.
“I have a couch if you nee somewhere to stay Kurt.” He said at last, and Kurt jerked in surprise.
“Mr. Schue, that’s very kind of you, but I don’t want to drag you into this. It’s bad enough the others know. It wasn’t anything I ever intended to share.”
“Maybe not, but we do know. Everyone in glee club, that includes me too, we all care Kurt. We just want you to be safe, and if you feel like you need to get out of your house for a while, we all want you to know you can come to us.”
“I-” Kurt was about to protest, but he’s touched by his teachers words. “Thank you Mr. Schue, let me just check to see if Artie will take me for the weekend.” Artie called him back instead of texting, asking him where he was and if he needed his dad to come and get him. Mr. Schue took the phone from him, ignoring Kurt’s startled sound of protest.
“Don’t worry Artie, I’ll bring him over.” He assured the other boy. He got Artie’s address and steered Kurt towards his car. The ride was silent, and Kurt chewed on his lower lip the entire ride. Once the pulled into Artie’s driveway, Mr. Schue stalled Kurt briefly. “Kurt, just remember we’re all here if you need us ok?”
“Thanks Mr. Schue.” And Kurt flashed him a quick, but real smile. Making sure he actually got inside, Mr. Schue waited in the driveway and couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at his lips when Mrs. Abrams gave Kurt a tight hug and ushered him inside.
*****************
Artie and his parents had been great, and when Sunday rolled around, Kurt explained quietly to Artie that he needed to go see his mom and that he would call him if anything. He made his way slowly to the cemetery, stopping to buy a bouquet of his mother’s favorite flowers. He reached the gravesite at three fifty. He gently laid the flower against the marker and waited. Four came and went with no sign of his father. Kurt waited until five before the tears started. He talked to his mom, did whatever he could to try and make this ok. It wasn’t, and he found he couldn’t actually make himself leave until nearly eight.
He texted Artie telling him what happened and that he was going to take a walk, and then head back over if his parents didn’t mind him staying for an extra night. He had an outfit for school tomorrow at least. Artie texted back quickly assuring him it was fine and asking if he needed anything. Kurt’s fingers felt heavy when he replied in the negative, slipping his phone back into his pocket
He started picking his way across town when he ran into Puck and Artie near the ice cream shop on Main Street. He wanted to ask what the hell they were doing there, but he was too tired to actually form the words, so instead he just allowed them to usher him inside. Once they’re seated with their ice cream Artie gently asked what had happened.
“He never showed up.” Kurt said flatly, and Puck flinched hearing the hurt in his voice. “He’s probably passed out or something. After school tomorrow I’ll go back home and see what’s going on.” If he needed to he’d see about trying to find somewhere to stay for a while, but he was really hoping it wasn’t going to come to that.
“Well eat your ice cream.” Puck said at last. “I’m pretty sure that makes everything better.” Both Artie and Kurt however, were a little grossed out by how Puck just inhaled his ice cream.
When they got back to Artie’s Kurt was quiet and subdued, but accepted the hug Mrs. Abrams gave him and the squeeze on the shoulder from Artie’s father before following Artie to his room. It was late and they both needed to sleep, but Kurt found himself awake long after Artie had drifted off.
*****************
Monday passed in a blur for Kurt, he couldn’t remember what he had done during class, and found himself hiding out from the others during lunch. Puck offered him a ride after school, but Kurt shook his head, that would just get him home all the faster and he wasn’t looking forward to having his conversation with his dad. He didn’t want to have it any sooner than he had too. Once he arrived he spent a few minutes staring at the house, before he let himself in.
The first thing he noticed was the distinct lack of the smell of alcohol. Next, he saw that all the bottles had been cleaned up and then he saw his father. Sitting on the couch waiting for him, Kurt entered the room without prompting and took a seat in the chair near the sofa, drawing his legs up and twisting around to watch his dad.
“I’m so sorry.” His dad started, watching Kurt with red rimmed eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t go to the cemetery, I’m sorry I made you go stay with a friend, I’m sorry for all of that.”
“You always are Dad.” Kurt said tiredly. “But I can’t keep doing this. I can’t just wait for the next thing to happen and wait for the fall out. It’s not fair to my friends for me to ask to stay with them for days at a time. It’s not fair to me to be driven out of my home. It’s not fair to you either; I don’t doubt you feel so guilty afterwards. But Dad, I meant what I said before. I can’t just wait around for you to hurt me again. You may not have hit me but-”
“I said something.” Burt said, and he seems to be struggling to remember what exactly it was. “What did I say to you?”
“Dad-”
“I need to know Kurt, what did I say?”
“You said sometimes you wished it was me.” There’s a heavy silence and Burt looked absolutely horrified, and Kurt suddenly felt overwhelmingly angry. His dad couldn’t keep doing this; he didn’t get to keep doing this. “I think I always knew that though, somewhere deep down. I was in the car, if the other guy had hit us just a little further back, I’m the one who would have taken the burnt of the impact, Mom would have been hurt but ok.”
“Kurt!”
“No, you think I don’t think about that too? You don’t think I sometimes wish the exact same thing? Yeah dad, sometimes I wish it was me too.” Kurt’s out of his chair by then, and he was pacing in agitation as his dad watched on horrified.
“Kurt,” He tried again, but something about that just set off the last little bit of composure Kurt had and he just released what he was feeling in a swell of words.
“You’re not the only one who got a raw deal dad. You lost your wife, and I lost my mom. You have Carole now though. I’m really glad she’s given you another chance, and I really don’t want you to mess this up. She’ll never be mom, but you found someone else you can love. But even if you two should somewhere down the line get married, you’d have another wife, but she won’t be my mom. I’ll never get that again. I do remember how hard it was to lose her, I may have been little, but I remember.”
“I know you do. I know how hard it was when she died.” Burt protested, but Kurt shook his head.
“But you weren’t there, I was. I saw her die dad, that wasn‘t something you had to see.” Tears were rolling down his cheeks by that point. “You were there for the aftermath. You didn’t have to see it, not like I did. She held my hand as she bled to death. I saw something at six that most people never have to see, and I really, really needed my dad then.”
“I didn’t-”
“I’m so tired dad.” Kurt shut his eyes for a moment. “I’m so tired of having to be the strong one. I’m your kid; you’re supposed to be looking out for me, not the other way around.”
“You never tell me anything!” Burt protested.
“Because I’m afraid of how you’ll react! You can either do something really wonderful like defend me, or you could fall into this woe is me; it’s all my fault bullshit. I never know what to expect. You had been doing so well, and you had a slip up when you fought with Carole. I forgave you for that. You had a slip up now because of Mom, and I can forgive you for that too, but how many more times am I going to have to forgive you dad?”
Burt’s mouth moved soundlessly and he finally got up and tugged Kurt to his chest in a hug. His son stiffened in his hold, but he didn’t pull away, and Burt could feel wetness soaking into his shirt. He wondered just how long Kurt had been bottling all of this up for, and how receptive he would have been to this prior to this moment in time.
“Life is hard enough as it is for me dad, please, stop making it harder.” Burt just tightened his hold before taking a deep breath and pulling back a little.
“I’m going to a meeting tonight.” He informed Kurt who nodded tiredly. “And I think it might be a good idea for you to start going to a meeting too.” When Kurt’s eyes flashed up to meet his looking a little confused he continued. “Alateen, it’s like Al-non for younger people. I think it might be good for you to be able to talk to kids who can relate.”
“That actually sounds like a good idea.” Kurt agreed and Burt pulled Kurt back to him, folding his arms around him.
“I’m so sorry Kurt, but I’m going to fix it.”
Kurt wasn’t sure if his father could ever actually fix it, but just has he had in all the years prior, he believed him when he said he was going to anyhow.