Fic: Fall Apart
Title: Fall Apart
Disclaimer: I don't own em, I if I did glee would probably have to be on a different channel.
Rating: R-ish to be extremely safe.
Characters: Kurt, Mercedes, Puck, and Burt.
Warnings: Extreme Angst Overload! Also some language and talk of unpleasant things.
Word count: 1719
Summary: Even Kurt can't be strong all the time.
A/N: I had a massively bad day yesterday that ended with a lot of tears and angst, and it was just bad. This is a result of me trying to channel that into something useful instead of ripping my hair out...
Kurt Hummel was not made of stone, as much as everyone seemed to think he was. Really, he knew what his friends and what the jocks all thought of him. He seemingly could take anything they threw at him, and usually he did. Because honestly, what choice did he have? Breakdown and the jocks win admit defeat and it’ll never end. He could not always pretend that it was ok though, because sometimes it really wasn’t. Sometimes, creative outlets were not enough. Which is probably how this whole thing started.
After a particularly grueling day, Kurt just wanted to go home and hide out in his basement, forgetting it had happened. Of course things could never actually go the way Kurt wanted them too. He got home to find his yard and home a complete mess. Someone had toilet papered the trees, and there was whip cream and egg all over his windows, but the worst was that someone had decided to spray paint “FAG” in bright red across the side of his home. This wasn’t the first time this is had happened, and Kurt doubted it would be the last.
It still hurt though.
He was still in the process of trying to clean it up when his dad got home. He heard him sigh as he joined him and Kurt couldn’t help but feel guilty. This was because of him. His dad shouldn’t have to deal with the defacement of his property, of his home because of his kid. By the look on his fathers face, he was pretty pissed. They worked silently for a while, before Kurt felt the need to say something.
“I’m sorry, Dad.” It takes several moments before Burt acknowledges the words.
“I know, its ok. It‘s not your fault” But it isn’t ok, not really. Because Kurt knows, as much as his father hates himself for it, part of him does blame Kurt. He blinks back the tears that are burning behind his eyes, and goes back to trying to scrub the hateful insult off the side of his house. It takes them so long to try and clean everything up that he decides to skip dinner all together and just go downstairs. He opens his mouth to offer his father another apology, but he’s cut off when his dad tugs him rather roughly to his chest.
“I know.” He repeats and Kurt nods, what else can he do. After a moment his father releases him and allows him to retreat into the relative safety of his room. He ends up sitting in the corner, and dropping his head against his knees, and it actually takes him a few moments to acknowledge when his phone begins to blare out a tune. He fumbles with it for a moment before opening it.
“Hello?” The word is barely out of his mouth before the person on the other end is practically screaming in his ear.
“You better have a hell of a good reason for skipping the extra glee rehearsal!” Puck says and Kurt deflates even further, he had completely forgotten about it. “Everyone’s pretty pissed; cause you know, we kinda needed you!”
“Puck,” He starts, but he’s not allowed to continue.
“What you have a hot date or something, something that was more important that this rehearsal that if I recall correctly, you thought was so important?” And a small spark of anger ignites in Kurt’s chest. While he and Puck had been on somewhat better terms recently, in the times after the baby daddy drama had gone down, he knows that of all people, Puck is the last to be allowed to judge him.
“If you must know I was busy trying to clean up all the crap someone threw all over my yard and scrape the word fag off the side of my house, so if you don’t mind, I’m not really in the mood for this.” And it comes out so nastily, so accusingly, that for a moment Kurt actually feels a little guilty.
“You were what? Are you-” but Kurt flips his phone shut, so he doesn’t have to listen to the suddenly strangely sympathetic and horrified voice. He turns his phone off, because he knows Puck will probably relay that to the others, and he really doesn’t want to have to fend off their well meaning phone calls. What he wants is to be left alone, to be able to live in peace where his father doesn’t have to suffer because of him. He knows he won’t get that, so instead he just tries his best to get by.
He allows himself to do something he very rarely indulges in, he cries. He curls up on himself in a tight ball and just lets it out. He isn’t sure how long he actually sits there and cries, but eventually the door opens and someone descends the stairs. It isn’t until he feels a familiar weight against his side that he realizes Mercedes is there, and she’s pulling him against her before he can process any reasons for her to leave.
Just the fact that she cares about him enough to come over even though she didn’t really know what was going on is enough to send him off again though, and his crying is renewed.
Mercedes is a little terrified because she’s never seen him like this. One of the reasons she liked Kurt so much was that he just had the amazing ability to take things in and compartmentalize them so quickly that it was almost like it had never happened. Mercedes was getting a look into a whole other side of what Kurt’s life might actually be like. She had seen when she arrived the faint remnants of the spray paint on the side of the house; it would probably have to be painted over to erase it completely.
She had known that Kurt got a lot of crap for being just being him, but somehow she never thought it got to him so much, and she realized how unrealistic that was suddenly. Kurt was a person, he had real, actual people feelings, and they were constantly being disregarded. He was incessantly being called names, he was always wondering where the next slushie would come from, when the next hit was coming, and she felt like a failure as a friend. He was her best friend, and she just expected these things not to bother him. Well she was learning quickly that Kurt was only flesh and bones, and he like everyone else, could be hurt.
When he just leaned into her when she pulled him over, she felt her own eyes water, but she just tightened her hold, what else could she do? Kurt isn’t sure what makes him start talking, maybe because Mercedes isn’t asking him to, or because he knows that she loves him and hates to see him this way. Maybe, and most probably, it’s because he has to tell someone, and she’s here. She hasn’t let him retreat to be alone, even if he thought he wanted it. He takes a few moments to compose himself before he speaks to her.
“It started this morning.” Kurt tells her, and she nods, tightening her hold. “My dad got another call, but it was a little more detailed, and well…kind of vaguely threatening.” And Mercedes clenches her jaw lightly. “And then school.” He trails off and Mercedes wonders what else happened, because as far as she knew, Kurt had gotten thrown in the dumpster by Karofsky and slushied, but that wasn‘t wholly unusual. Something else must have happened, something he was neglecting to tell her. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes it does.” Mercedes tells him gently.
“I know. I just don’t understand.” He tells her, and Mercedes chest aches for him. “What is it that I did that’s so terrible? What makes me such a horrible person that people have to constantly remind me how little I mean?” Mercedes blinks and tries to keep her tears back, because Kurt suddenly sounds so young. He sounds his age, and it’s just killing her to know he keeps this locked up inside until it overflows like this. How badly he must hurt all the time. She’s silent, and as she suspected, Kurt starts talking after a moment.
“Sometimes, when my dad says he wishes my mom was here, I realize I’m kind of glad she isn’t. I know that makes me a terrible person, but I wonder how she could have dealt with everything. And sometimes, when I can see my dad is so upset by what happens, I wonder, would it have been better if it had been reversed? If I had died and she had lived, because I’m pretty sure my dad would at least be happy. He’s not happy Mercedes, he’s never happy. And I know, that’s a really shitty thing for me to think about my dad, because I know how lucky I am…but it kills me, because I’m constantly hurting him, and if she was alive, I‘d be hurting her too.”
“Oh Kurt.” Mercedes says, her heart breaking. She knew Kurt had never quite gotten over the loss of his mother; he was so young when she died. He probably hadn’t quite understood at the time, but there was always a haunted quality in Mr. Hummel’s eyes and Mercedes knew that was a hurt she wasn’t familiar with. She had never imagined there were times where Kurt wished he had died instead.
“I’m sorry.” Kurt says the tears coming again, and Mercedes adjust her hold so she can hang onto him tighter, and lets her own tears fall as she attempts to hold them both together as Kurt allows himself to fall apart. Part of Mercedes is a little scared of how far he’s let her in, but another part of her just wants to tell him that she loves him and that’s he has no reason to apologize for being human. Something she thinks people forget.
“Don’t be sorry.” She tells him softly. “You’re only human Kurt, even if we sometimes forget that. This, right here, this is ok.”
“You know the most pathetic part? I‘d change everything if I could.” And somehow that’s the saddest thing she’s ever heard.
Disclaimer: I don't own em, I if I did glee would probably have to be on a different channel.
Rating: R-ish to be extremely safe.
Characters: Kurt, Mercedes, Puck, and Burt.
Warnings: Extreme Angst Overload! Also some language and talk of unpleasant things.
Word count: 1719
Summary: Even Kurt can't be strong all the time.
A/N: I had a massively bad day yesterday that ended with a lot of tears and angst, and it was just bad. This is a result of me trying to channel that into something useful instead of ripping my hair out...
Kurt Hummel was not made of stone, as much as everyone seemed to think he was. Really, he knew what his friends and what the jocks all thought of him. He seemingly could take anything they threw at him, and usually he did. Because honestly, what choice did he have? Breakdown and the jocks win admit defeat and it’ll never end. He could not always pretend that it was ok though, because sometimes it really wasn’t. Sometimes, creative outlets were not enough. Which is probably how this whole thing started.
After a particularly grueling day, Kurt just wanted to go home and hide out in his basement, forgetting it had happened. Of course things could never actually go the way Kurt wanted them too. He got home to find his yard and home a complete mess. Someone had toilet papered the trees, and there was whip cream and egg all over his windows, but the worst was that someone had decided to spray paint “FAG” in bright red across the side of his home. This wasn’t the first time this is had happened, and Kurt doubted it would be the last.
It still hurt though.
He was still in the process of trying to clean it up when his dad got home. He heard him sigh as he joined him and Kurt couldn’t help but feel guilty. This was because of him. His dad shouldn’t have to deal with the defacement of his property, of his home because of his kid. By the look on his fathers face, he was pretty pissed. They worked silently for a while, before Kurt felt the need to say something.
“I’m sorry, Dad.” It takes several moments before Burt acknowledges the words.
“I know, its ok. It‘s not your fault” But it isn’t ok, not really. Because Kurt knows, as much as his father hates himself for it, part of him does blame Kurt. He blinks back the tears that are burning behind his eyes, and goes back to trying to scrub the hateful insult off the side of his house. It takes them so long to try and clean everything up that he decides to skip dinner all together and just go downstairs. He opens his mouth to offer his father another apology, but he’s cut off when his dad tugs him rather roughly to his chest.
“I know.” He repeats and Kurt nods, what else can he do. After a moment his father releases him and allows him to retreat into the relative safety of his room. He ends up sitting in the corner, and dropping his head against his knees, and it actually takes him a few moments to acknowledge when his phone begins to blare out a tune. He fumbles with it for a moment before opening it.
“Hello?” The word is barely out of his mouth before the person on the other end is practically screaming in his ear.
“You better have a hell of a good reason for skipping the extra glee rehearsal!” Puck says and Kurt deflates even further, he had completely forgotten about it. “Everyone’s pretty pissed; cause you know, we kinda needed you!”
“Puck,” He starts, but he’s not allowed to continue.
“What you have a hot date or something, something that was more important that this rehearsal that if I recall correctly, you thought was so important?” And a small spark of anger ignites in Kurt’s chest. While he and Puck had been on somewhat better terms recently, in the times after the baby daddy drama had gone down, he knows that of all people, Puck is the last to be allowed to judge him.
“If you must know I was busy trying to clean up all the crap someone threw all over my yard and scrape the word fag off the side of my house, so if you don’t mind, I’m not really in the mood for this.” And it comes out so nastily, so accusingly, that for a moment Kurt actually feels a little guilty.
“You were what? Are you-” but Kurt flips his phone shut, so he doesn’t have to listen to the suddenly strangely sympathetic and horrified voice. He turns his phone off, because he knows Puck will probably relay that to the others, and he really doesn’t want to have to fend off their well meaning phone calls. What he wants is to be left alone, to be able to live in peace where his father doesn’t have to suffer because of him. He knows he won’t get that, so instead he just tries his best to get by.
He allows himself to do something he very rarely indulges in, he cries. He curls up on himself in a tight ball and just lets it out. He isn’t sure how long he actually sits there and cries, but eventually the door opens and someone descends the stairs. It isn’t until he feels a familiar weight against his side that he realizes Mercedes is there, and she’s pulling him against her before he can process any reasons for her to leave.
Just the fact that she cares about him enough to come over even though she didn’t really know what was going on is enough to send him off again though, and his crying is renewed.
Mercedes is a little terrified because she’s never seen him like this. One of the reasons she liked Kurt so much was that he just had the amazing ability to take things in and compartmentalize them so quickly that it was almost like it had never happened. Mercedes was getting a look into a whole other side of what Kurt’s life might actually be like. She had seen when she arrived the faint remnants of the spray paint on the side of the house; it would probably have to be painted over to erase it completely.
She had known that Kurt got a lot of crap for being just being him, but somehow she never thought it got to him so much, and she realized how unrealistic that was suddenly. Kurt was a person, he had real, actual people feelings, and they were constantly being disregarded. He was incessantly being called names, he was always wondering where the next slushie would come from, when the next hit was coming, and she felt like a failure as a friend. He was her best friend, and she just expected these things not to bother him. Well she was learning quickly that Kurt was only flesh and bones, and he like everyone else, could be hurt.
When he just leaned into her when she pulled him over, she felt her own eyes water, but she just tightened her hold, what else could she do? Kurt isn’t sure what makes him start talking, maybe because Mercedes isn’t asking him to, or because he knows that she loves him and hates to see him this way. Maybe, and most probably, it’s because he has to tell someone, and she’s here. She hasn’t let him retreat to be alone, even if he thought he wanted it. He takes a few moments to compose himself before he speaks to her.
“It started this morning.” Kurt tells her, and she nods, tightening her hold. “My dad got another call, but it was a little more detailed, and well…kind of vaguely threatening.” And Mercedes clenches her jaw lightly. “And then school.” He trails off and Mercedes wonders what else happened, because as far as she knew, Kurt had gotten thrown in the dumpster by Karofsky and slushied, but that wasn‘t wholly unusual. Something else must have happened, something he was neglecting to tell her. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes it does.” Mercedes tells him gently.
“I know. I just don’t understand.” He tells her, and Mercedes chest aches for him. “What is it that I did that’s so terrible? What makes me such a horrible person that people have to constantly remind me how little I mean?” Mercedes blinks and tries to keep her tears back, because Kurt suddenly sounds so young. He sounds his age, and it’s just killing her to know he keeps this locked up inside until it overflows like this. How badly he must hurt all the time. She’s silent, and as she suspected, Kurt starts talking after a moment.
“Sometimes, when my dad says he wishes my mom was here, I realize I’m kind of glad she isn’t. I know that makes me a terrible person, but I wonder how she could have dealt with everything. And sometimes, when I can see my dad is so upset by what happens, I wonder, would it have been better if it had been reversed? If I had died and she had lived, because I’m pretty sure my dad would at least be happy. He’s not happy Mercedes, he’s never happy. And I know, that’s a really shitty thing for me to think about my dad, because I know how lucky I am…but it kills me, because I’m constantly hurting him, and if she was alive, I‘d be hurting her too.”
“Oh Kurt.” Mercedes says, her heart breaking. She knew Kurt had never quite gotten over the loss of his mother; he was so young when she died. He probably hadn’t quite understood at the time, but there was always a haunted quality in Mr. Hummel’s eyes and Mercedes knew that was a hurt she wasn’t familiar with. She had never imagined there were times where Kurt wished he had died instead.
“I’m sorry.” Kurt says the tears coming again, and Mercedes adjust her hold so she can hang onto him tighter, and lets her own tears fall as she attempts to hold them both together as Kurt allows himself to fall apart. Part of Mercedes is a little scared of how far he’s let her in, but another part of her just wants to tell him that she loves him and that’s he has no reason to apologize for being human. Something she thinks people forget.
“Don’t be sorry.” She tells him softly. “You’re only human Kurt, even if we sometimes forget that. This, right here, this is ok.”
“You know the most pathetic part? I‘d change everything if I could.” And somehow that’s the saddest thing she’s ever heard.