perfection through silence
"this is what she said gets her through it
if i dont let myself be happy now then when? if not now when?"
i havent updated in a ridiculous amount of time. Oh live journal. I am sorry. I'm hoping this resurgence of writing does NOT cause drama. ugh.
so i read some out-dated journal entries, and some made me laugh, and some made me really sad. hmm... sad would not be the right adjective. I'd prolly have to go with nostalgic. i'm glad i got to actually live this year. Not as an empty shell of a human, but someone who could live and feel again. Have emotions (and yes... as emo as i am, i didnt have some for so long...) tho sometimes emotions are crazy out there. They do not follow the rules that i put down for myself. They run amoc. but just as the first line of this entry suggests... if i dont allow myself to just breakaway from the plans i had set down for myself this summer, and let myself feel... i mean really feel... then what? when will i be happy? when ive completed every task on my to do list? when im putting in 40 hrs. at the lab, only to come home to an empty apt., fix my dinner for one, finish my homework in solitude, take a shower... or a bath depending... and then what? go to bed?
God... please let me make friends fast. I'm giving up so much here. Am i doing the right thing?
im so conflicted. ive been broadsided by life. u think u have it all figured out. and then u meet someone at a time u would never expect, in a way u would never think... and u think to urself. its no big deal... friends, right? but what if those effervescent emotions get unleashed? what if deep down inside u wish beyond all reason that there was no such thing as the grad school u are to attend, and that NC's sunshine doesnt look as appealing as it used to. ugh.
i cried the other day. i cried for so many reasons. some stupid, and petty. some very real. with reasons i just wont say. it was like the beginning of an intense cleansing of the soul. i only wish it hadnt happened in such a setting. i HATE crying in front of people. ugh. i feel like such a needy person to have people constantly reassuring me. and when i hear myself talk i get annoyed. annoyed for the simple fact that it just sounds retarded. grr.
well the baseball game yesterday was fun. at least it didnt rain, the tigers won, and i was with some of my closest friends =). I actually rocked out to BSB in the car... and my ears definately were assaulted with country. I didnt mind too much, it wasnt so bad. mostly because i was with friends who love and care for me and for each other. i hate when u hangout with people and u have all these undercurrents of hatred running through. that fake friendly facade. goo. (how's that for alliteration?)
chic flick night with j-rock tonight... hahaha... at least until we get tired of flicking chics... jk... should be a good time =) new community wed. night, and then fireworks and stoney on thursday... oh good times...
i guess ive rambled enough for now... time to be constructive.
if i dont let myself be happy now then when? if not now when?"
i havent updated in a ridiculous amount of time. Oh live journal. I am sorry. I'm hoping this resurgence of writing does NOT cause drama. ugh.
so i read some out-dated journal entries, and some made me laugh, and some made me really sad. hmm... sad would not be the right adjective. I'd prolly have to go with nostalgic. i'm glad i got to actually live this year. Not as an empty shell of a human, but someone who could live and feel again. Have emotions (and yes... as emo as i am, i didnt have some for so long...) tho sometimes emotions are crazy out there. They do not follow the rules that i put down for myself. They run amoc. but just as the first line of this entry suggests... if i dont allow myself to just breakaway from the plans i had set down for myself this summer, and let myself feel... i mean really feel... then what? when will i be happy? when ive completed every task on my to do list? when im putting in 40 hrs. at the lab, only to come home to an empty apt., fix my dinner for one, finish my homework in solitude, take a shower... or a bath depending... and then what? go to bed?
God... please let me make friends fast. I'm giving up so much here. Am i doing the right thing?
im so conflicted. ive been broadsided by life. u think u have it all figured out. and then u meet someone at a time u would never expect, in a way u would never think... and u think to urself. its no big deal... friends, right? but what if those effervescent emotions get unleashed? what if deep down inside u wish beyond all reason that there was no such thing as the grad school u are to attend, and that NC's sunshine doesnt look as appealing as it used to. ugh.
i cried the other day. i cried for so many reasons. some stupid, and petty. some very real. with reasons i just wont say. it was like the beginning of an intense cleansing of the soul. i only wish it hadnt happened in such a setting. i HATE crying in front of people. ugh. i feel like such a needy person to have people constantly reassuring me. and when i hear myself talk i get annoyed. annoyed for the simple fact that it just sounds retarded. grr.
well the baseball game yesterday was fun. at least it didnt rain, the tigers won, and i was with some of my closest friends =). I actually rocked out to BSB in the car... and my ears definately were assaulted with country. I didnt mind too much, it wasnt so bad. mostly because i was with friends who love and care for me and for each other. i hate when u hangout with people and u have all these undercurrents of hatred running through. that fake friendly facade. goo. (how's that for alliteration?)
chic flick night with j-rock tonight... hahaha... at least until we get tired of flicking chics... jk... should be a good time =) new community wed. night, and then fireworks and stoney on thursday... oh good times...
i guess ive rambled enough for now... time to be constructive.