fly little bee away to where there's no more rain and i can be me
....cuz some day we'll all be old and ill be so damn beautiful....
ugh. im awake. it's 2am... hmm... reminds me of an anna nalick song. sweet. the person who usually stays up till all hours of the night went to sleep early... or at least before me. boo. so im sitting here wide awake, wishing i were sleeping. meh.
tonight = fun. i laughed so ridiculously hard when me, brit, and sarah were racing jordan trying to beat him to mary's. of course we won. why u ask? b/c girls are fricken amazing. we know what's up... fo rill. and then of course watching failure to launch a second time was pretty sweet, too =)
today was such an awkward day. actually these past couple days have been. Ive been so restless it's ridiculous. it's like i get up... and i wanna do something, anything, but there isnt much to do. so i sit outside. in the sun. but i get hot, bored, and annoyed with the fact that im sitting around on my butt. the worst part is, i have no gym membership, and there really isnt much to do around my house except for walking, running, crunches, and pushups. i wish i had some free weights. i feel like such a lazy loser... like my butt is expanding to the size of texas. i think it might have already. ugh. so anyways... i sit around, restlessly mind u, and try to figure out something to do. by the time i DO figure out something suitable for the day... i have like 30 min. before i have to jump in the shower... ugh. so frustrating. by then... 30 min. is not enough time to start anything. so i end up wasting an entire day. I think i might just start planning my days out in advance. that way i at least feel like ive accomplished something and i dont waste my entire life being indecisive. ugh.
i started doing my devos again. and by started i mean today was the first day ive done them. it was good. i feel like i didnt really glean much from it though, which was frustrating. i feel like my antennae for God is bent and broken. it's really sad actually. it's so irritating how satan just weasels his way into your life and helps u rot from the inside out. it's like water and cement. satan = water... i = cement. he drips is way in, filling every crevice and crack and then lies stagnant... causing me to cool.. and in the process he eventually freezes... expanding beyond what i can handle, and breaking me apart. im so frustrated. i feel like a million little pieces (and no im not a druggie...) i wanna put myself back together so badly, but i keep trying to do it myself, without God. ugh. at least im not as babied as i was last summer. so annoying. to constantly be under surveillence, questioned, watched, and handled with the utmost care. IM NOT A FRICKEN CHINA DOLL!!! i wont break, i promise. i just wish that i didnt have bad days. that i didnt cry about stupid things like tacos being soggy, or the way i feel or look. grr.
been hangin out with john alot lately, and each time it's better than before. I never thought there was anyone out there in this world that was as crazy and random as me. I guess i was wrong. the weirdest part is ... honestly... we seem so much alike.. but when you really analyze it... we are so ridiculously different it's unreal. and i think that's what i like about the whole thing. the fact that we are so different. i dont think that i could handle someone as highstrung as me. but that's just my opinion. i just keep NOT thinking about the end of this summer. I dont wanna cross that bridge before i get there. I just keep praying that God will show up in an amazing way. yeah. that would be nice. this next month? the start of what i wont have. what i'll have to give up. poop.
is it weird that im more excited about my apt. then the program ill actually be participating in? im a little nervous for that ... i mean what if this is all just a mistake? that me moving away is a big waste of effort... and money... and time... time that i could be spending on friends and family and people who i care about more than anything in the world. building friendships with people i just started hanging out with... and keeping relationships with people i feel like ive known forever. what about the amazing people ive spent everyday with for the last month?
i dont think i wanna do this anymore.
2 AM and i'm still awake, writing a song
If i get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
cuz these words are my diary screaming outloud
and i know that you'll use them however u want to
but u cant jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass glued to the table
no one can find the rewind button now
sing it if u understand
and breathe, just breathe...
ugh. im awake. it's 2am... hmm... reminds me of an anna nalick song. sweet. the person who usually stays up till all hours of the night went to sleep early... or at least before me. boo. so im sitting here wide awake, wishing i were sleeping. meh.
tonight = fun. i laughed so ridiculously hard when me, brit, and sarah were racing jordan trying to beat him to mary's. of course we won. why u ask? b/c girls are fricken amazing. we know what's up... fo rill. and then of course watching failure to launch a second time was pretty sweet, too =)
today was such an awkward day. actually these past couple days have been. Ive been so restless it's ridiculous. it's like i get up... and i wanna do something, anything, but there isnt much to do. so i sit outside. in the sun. but i get hot, bored, and annoyed with the fact that im sitting around on my butt. the worst part is, i have no gym membership, and there really isnt much to do around my house except for walking, running, crunches, and pushups. i wish i had some free weights. i feel like such a lazy loser... like my butt is expanding to the size of texas. i think it might have already. ugh. so anyways... i sit around, restlessly mind u, and try to figure out something to do. by the time i DO figure out something suitable for the day... i have like 30 min. before i have to jump in the shower... ugh. so frustrating. by then... 30 min. is not enough time to start anything. so i end up wasting an entire day. I think i might just start planning my days out in advance. that way i at least feel like ive accomplished something and i dont waste my entire life being indecisive. ugh.
i started doing my devos again. and by started i mean today was the first day ive done them. it was good. i feel like i didnt really glean much from it though, which was frustrating. i feel like my antennae for God is bent and broken. it's really sad actually. it's so irritating how satan just weasels his way into your life and helps u rot from the inside out. it's like water and cement. satan = water... i = cement. he drips is way in, filling every crevice and crack and then lies stagnant... causing me to cool.. and in the process he eventually freezes... expanding beyond what i can handle, and breaking me apart. im so frustrated. i feel like a million little pieces (and no im not a druggie...) i wanna put myself back together so badly, but i keep trying to do it myself, without God. ugh. at least im not as babied as i was last summer. so annoying. to constantly be under surveillence, questioned, watched, and handled with the utmost care. IM NOT A FRICKEN CHINA DOLL!!! i wont break, i promise. i just wish that i didnt have bad days. that i didnt cry about stupid things like tacos being soggy, or the way i feel or look. grr.
been hangin out with john alot lately, and each time it's better than before. I never thought there was anyone out there in this world that was as crazy and random as me. I guess i was wrong. the weirdest part is ... honestly... we seem so much alike.. but when you really analyze it... we are so ridiculously different it's unreal. and i think that's what i like about the whole thing. the fact that we are so different. i dont think that i could handle someone as highstrung as me. but that's just my opinion. i just keep NOT thinking about the end of this summer. I dont wanna cross that bridge before i get there. I just keep praying that God will show up in an amazing way. yeah. that would be nice. this next month? the start of what i wont have. what i'll have to give up. poop.
is it weird that im more excited about my apt. then the program ill actually be participating in? im a little nervous for that ... i mean what if this is all just a mistake? that me moving away is a big waste of effort... and money... and time... time that i could be spending on friends and family and people who i care about more than anything in the world. building friendships with people i just started hanging out with... and keeping relationships with people i feel like ive known forever. what about the amazing people ive spent everyday with for the last month?
i dont think i wanna do this anymore.
2 AM and i'm still awake, writing a song
If i get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
cuz these words are my diary screaming outloud
and i know that you'll use them however u want to
but u cant jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass glued to the table
no one can find the rewind button now
sing it if u understand
and breathe, just breathe...