ramblin'
I wonder if I need to go back on medication. Or perhaps I just need to check out for a while.
Everything seems to be an uphill struggle - nothing seems easy.
Some people look at my life and say "oh you are living out your dreams" "congrats on the perfect life."
Truth is it is far from perfect. Often my husband and I argue, often he hurts my feelings. Perhaps I am wearing my heart on my sleeve - but that is the way I am. Take it or leave it.
Marriage is way different than I thought it would be. I thought it would be a coming together to help each other out. I thought it would be way more supportive (both ways) than what it is.
I thought I would have someone that would help me do chores around the farm - someone to share the work and talk to while we are doing it. I thought my husband would gladly help around the house because it is his house too. I thought I would get more sex. I thought by now I would have a baby on the way :(
Instead I feel like I am fighting for everything I want alone. Instead of my husband helping me - he ignores my pleas for help around the farm, he sees me struggling and doesnt care. I think that HE thinks that if I struggle hard enough - I will get tired of it and get rid of some/all of my horses - I would live in a tent first.
I feel that he doesnt care about what I want or to help me get there.
school/horses.animals/exercise/whatever - it has to be his way or the highway.
Small example was last night. Most of the time I am not in a classical music mood - yesterday - by some blessing I was. So when I got home, Matt was predictable rocking out to Bach or something - well that suited me just fine - so for several hours he and I jammed to classical music while I puttered around, took a bath etc while he finished grading papers. Well it was getting time for bed so I asked him to turn off the music - "just let me finish this one" so I did got distracted (surprise) and found that we were in the middle of another song, So I asked again to turn it off, pointing out that for 3 hrs he got to listen to his music loudly with ZERO complaints from me. He whined and said that he "wanted to finish out this song and hear who it was". I said "you aren't fooling me - you can pull up the play list RIGHT NOW on NPR an see who it is, no excuses" he had that little "shit I am caught" smile on his face and turned it off....
He thinks I am stupid. gah. I am not.
Things between us are strained at best. Some days I feel super in love with him. Many others I could leave with out even looking back.
I have asked him to go to anger management, also to marriage counseling but he wont. He always has an excuse as to why he cant. He doesnt have time... whatever. I think if I and our marriage meant enough to you - you would FIND a way to do it.
I get tired of being treated poorly. I am tired of him being happy as long as what I do is what he wants me to do. Any more I only do what he wants me to do if it suits my purpose too. I am tired of not being ME. I am tired of having my dreams stepped on. My holidays ridiculed, my hopes slaughtered. I am tired of being called stupid, I am tired of worrying if he will break my stuff, or throw it away as he threatens all the time. I know that I am in abusive relationship. But I think to myself
Is it really that bad? - yeah sometimes it is.
the yelling at me when I dont get something, the threats. The calling me names, demeaning me. the throwing things - several times I have been afraid of him or afraid for myself, my animals or my possessions. That cant be good.
so do I really need medicated. Or am I in fact surrounded by an asshole and THAT is my problem? or a little bit of both.
I am afraid if I leave him I will be left with nothing, and that I will loose my horses. I am embarrassed to leave after only a year of marriage - it looks like we didnt even "try".
Also I am almost 30. I want kids so bad it is a physical ache in my chest. If I leave him, by the time I find another man that is husband material - who knows how old I will be.
But I cant help thinking that there is some awesome man out there, that will just love the stuffins out of me. Think that I am awesome. Have mostly good things to say to me. Doesnt tell me what to do. Helps me out when I need it, encourages me. And thinks that my ham and green bean soup is the shit.
Why am I not good enough as I am. why must it be "if you would do/be/act like this THEN I would really love you" that just doesnt seem fair.
Then again I am thinking, "if you would just meet me 1/2 way, not throw my shit, not make fun of me, or be mean to me or scare me I would love you more" Perhaps I am not being fair.But honestly I think that I am asking for normal things.
But if he would only be nice. when he is nice he is very very nice.
I wonder if anyone else out there thinks that I am beautiful, or sexy or desirable. It would be nice to hear that I am a catch. - from anybody.