what christmas means to me and why gifts are important and a rant
warning - this will be a rambling post - mostly for me to get my thoughts down on paper - so they are documented.
I have never been an eloquent argue-er, never a debate team star. I get flustered - especially when I feel passionate about something. Christmas is one of those things.
Unfortunately I married and atheist, and not just any atheist - the rabid atheist who spits in the eye of everyone else's beliefs. This does bother me. Because I feel he often steps on my feelings and my beliefs to scream his defiance of all religion, or any sort of rules. I really dont care that he chooses not to believe in anything bigger than himself. Really, that is his issue, something that he will or wont have to face when he dies. But it does bother me A LOT that he doesnt care that I DO believe in something else, and that I enjoy holidays, and the sparkles or colors or whatever else is associated with them. I dont believe in shoving my religion or lack their of down other peoples throats. But really Christmas and the decorations and presents are so so much more to me than the money hungry businesses shove down our throats.
- In fact this year I am making everyone their gifts! Gifts that I knitted. Either a local friend HANDSPUN the yarn and gifted it to me, or I bought it from a LOCAL store, much of it was made locally and from local materials - TAKE THAT BIG MONEY HUNGRY CORPORATIONS HAHAHA! - everyone is getting one accept my husband - who - ironically wanted a BOUGHT gift instead of a homemade gift - this coming from the man who grumbles about halmark holidays and being FORCED to buy into the corporate America scheme. Oh well. I guess the hours of love, the sore fingers, the soft warmth of my hats ( I am not ready to make a sweater or anything huge yet) will be enjoyed by others :)
He gets mad at me because I "force" him to get me a gift at denoted times (read christmas, valentines, anniversary, birthday) gawd if I didnt he would NEVER get me anything. He is one of those people that NEED a calendar (or a wife) to tell them, "now is the time to give a gift" - or he woudnt ever. He doesnt have to help me decorate or undecorate - he just has to put up with the fact that it IS decorated for a month. He just has to understand that these things that he hates tie me to my family and my family is important to me. If he doesnt care, doesnt have anything he likes to celebrate - he could at least let me celebrate and perhaps pretend to enjoy it - or at least help uncomplainingly.
every time it is "time for him to get me a gift" I end up disappointed somehow, He hates getting me a gift ever and that hurts. (mostly birthdays and valentines I am talking here - in all honesty - last year he got me very thoughtful gifts for christmas- ones I appreciate everyday and use often, or almost every day - and he enjoyed giving them - or at least he looked like it. But every time he skips valentines "because he forgot" (honestly HOW can you forget when the USA practically counts down to "v-day" for you? you cant do ANYTHING with out being reminded that it is coming up) or if he shucks his duty for birthdays. It just makes me feel undervalued, that I am not worth a sacrifice, or a mention, or that my happiness doenst matter.- I feel left out and cheated when this happens.
Years ago when we first started dating I told him that Christmas was very important to me. I knew he came from a Jewish background and that if he had holidays or traditions I would be happy to learn to celebrate them and mine, we would celebrate each others holidays. He steadfastly refused saying that he was an atheist and didnt believe in the holidays or traditions that he grew up with. At that point I said fine, but date me, and realize that I need to celebrate these and I would like you to celebrate these with me, this is important to me. He agreed - so why every year, if he agreed to this, does he act miserable, throw tantrums and hurt my feelings about this - he had the chance to walk away. I was very frank about this, saying this is what I required out of a relationship.
At least I was willing - more than willing to incorporate his traditions that he grew up with together to make one family - you celebrate mine - I will celebrate yours. Fair is fair. If you choose not to celebrate yours as you dont believe in them, please respect my beliefs and celebrate mine without being a dick. I cant meet you in the middle if you dont have anything to meet with. And giving up my holiday or even half of it is not possible. I was willing to add to - not take away when we joined together. So dont get angry at me saying I am not meeting you halfway - I offered. At least I am not some radical christian demanding that you convert to my faith or I wont marry you - oh my god - hey that is what he is trying to do - demand that I convert and believe and do everything HIS way. - which is to acknowledge no one and nothing ever.
I wish he DID have some sort of religion so we could both celebrate together each others traditions. It just feels like there is nothing there but blackness from his side - emptiness with nothing to shore you up to give you principles and grounding you.
I think Christmas - or whatever holiday you choose to celebrate at this time of year is important. It is a dark time of the year - we need something to look forward to - for me, I celebrate a more secular holiday - to me it is more about, family, friendship, warmth, sparkles, cookies, good will and then presents.
First let me say that I think all those things above are important all year long - but I do think it is important to sort of remind people about this sort of thing from time to time. That said, humans are also very ritualistic - and having something at this time of year (at least in the northern hemisphere) seems to come natural. Plus - hell who doesnt like getting presents. Hell I really enjoy GIVING presents - more than I enjoy getting presents. _ honestly - I find something I know a particular friend or family member will just LOVE - and I cant WAIT to give it to them. Often I accidentally blurt out what it is, I really get THAT excited... "Oh I cant wait to give you the pants I bought you for Christmas" I said to my Dadd one year - true story - shit. Gave another surprise away (never tell me something that is supposed to be a surprise for someone else - I am so lousy at keeping it quiet just because of my 5year old level of excitement.)
The extra goodwill towards other men at this time of year is a good thing. It is cold. They may not have enough money for food because they are heating their house or whatever. I think donating to toys for tots, soldiers, needy families, salvation army - everything is important. Perhaps at this time of year more than ever (except food banks - they are overrun with food at this time of year and suffer a deficit during other times)
anyway back to Christmas.
There was a story that someone told my years ago, a story that left a permanent impression on my little pea-brain. Something that I think sums up WHY, and what SORT of gift you should get people.
A young man and woman were newly married, and it was their first Christmas, they were very poor. They had no money to get each other even a simple gift. The woman had beautiful long hair, she saw a brush and mirror set that she wanted, but she knew they could not afford it. The man had a gold pocket watch that belonged to his grandfather, one that was missing a chain. Christmas rolled around, and it was time to exchange their gifts. The woman had cut her beautiful long hair off to pay for her husbands gift, a gold chain for his pocket watch. He had sold his watch to buy her the beautiful brush and mirror set for her hair. Each had given something special of themselves to give the other a gift. Each kept their gift as long as they lived, and treasured it.
I think this story is a beautiful, romantic story about love and self sacrifice for another's happiness. Honestly this story brings tears to my eyes.
I think there should be some sacrifice involved in every gift. The thought, the time you put into it, perhaps you had to save up a long time, giving up your chocolate milk on Wednesdays in order to save up 6 bucks to buy your brother that train whistle he wanted so badly. Or perhaps you saved for $ and had to really budget your dollars to buy everyone a little something (me as a teenager on) or perhaps you gave up a haircut, or some jewelery, whatever. Something that you COULD have been selfish and gotten yourself something, or had a more cushy existence. I think that is a part of love. I think that is love. Sacrifice.
I think this is why birthdays, valentines, anniversaries, Christmases and any other reason to exchange/give gifts are nice. It gives you something to look forward too. And hopefully another cares enough to get you something that you want or need, something that you have been putting off getting for yourself (perhaps because you were saving up for their prezzie!)
For me I love decorating for holidays too. I have many things that belonged to my mother. And every time I set them out I think of tons of memories that surround that item. This santa sat here, that ornament she licked every year (dont ask) I got her that decoration, My brother made that one, Dadd fixed this one when the dog knocked it over and it broke. He saved the day. The action of setting them up is important to me - it helps me remember everyone. Especially those that are gone - really it is all that I have.
Of course we always looked forward to Christmas day and Santa arriving. I think I learned at an early age that somehow mom and dad were connected to santa, and the money they made somehow was connected - if took me FOREVER to figure out how they magicked the presents into the house with out me knowing where they were, or without waking me. Truth is - I sleep like the dead - that was made easy haha.
I remember "fat" Christmases, and "skinny" Christmases - I never remember being disappointment. EVER - I think it is because I knew love and sacrifice went into that day of presents and my parents were as happy to give us the gifts as we were to get them. Well truth is I was going nuts for them to open the gifts that I got them first. Actually the only time I was disappointed is when my own father got me an obligatory cheap gift from a dollar store cause all he had gotten me was a gift card, due to the fact that he had a new girlfriend and all her kids to buy for that christmas. All I "want" is to be thought of and have someone get me a gift that they put time and effort into. it wasnt the gift card that hurt, or that I got so little that hurt - I understand money, and many have so very much less than me. It was the stupid plastic bear that he grabbed quickly and wrapped hastily that hurt - because he didnt think of me. It made me feel like I didnt count, that I wasnt important to him that year.
So for me it isnt HOW much I get- or how much you spend, it is THAT I get, something that you, my friend, my family or my lover, put time and effort into. That you may have sacrificed much to provide for me something that you knew I needed or wanted - or that I would love. I dont even mind being re-gifted things. If you think I would love it, I bet I do. It esp means more to me when I know its all you had, or the sacrifice you put into it. (this is why I have 6 sets of earrings I cannot wear - a friend gave them to me for christmas - it was all she could afford - they were all beautiful, and they were hers - I couldnt wear them due to metal allergies, but gosh I treasure them, they were from the heart. Another meaningful gift was when my dadd made me jumps for me, for riding my horse over - he spent A LOT of time on them - that was so wonderful to me. And the hats and scarves that my mother in law makes for me - priceless - you cant get that at any walmart or macys - that is hours of her life she spent making that thinking of me :D
Something that when I look at it, use it or whatever - I will remember you, and the thought that went into it. That is a good gift. That is what I truly want.
so that is me on christmas, prezzies and feelings. there is more - but it is hard to put that down on paper.
I have never been an eloquent argue-er, never a debate team star. I get flustered - especially when I feel passionate about something. Christmas is one of those things.
Unfortunately I married and atheist, and not just any atheist - the rabid atheist who spits in the eye of everyone else's beliefs. This does bother me. Because I feel he often steps on my feelings and my beliefs to scream his defiance of all religion, or any sort of rules. I really dont care that he chooses not to believe in anything bigger than himself. Really, that is his issue, something that he will or wont have to face when he dies. But it does bother me A LOT that he doesnt care that I DO believe in something else, and that I enjoy holidays, and the sparkles or colors or whatever else is associated with them. I dont believe in shoving my religion or lack their of down other peoples throats. But really Christmas and the decorations and presents are so so much more to me than the money hungry businesses shove down our throats.
- In fact this year I am making everyone their gifts! Gifts that I knitted. Either a local friend HANDSPUN the yarn and gifted it to me, or I bought it from a LOCAL store, much of it was made locally and from local materials - TAKE THAT BIG MONEY HUNGRY CORPORATIONS HAHAHA! - everyone is getting one accept my husband - who - ironically wanted a BOUGHT gift instead of a homemade gift - this coming from the man who grumbles about halmark holidays and being FORCED to buy into the corporate America scheme. Oh well. I guess the hours of love, the sore fingers, the soft warmth of my hats ( I am not ready to make a sweater or anything huge yet) will be enjoyed by others :)
He gets mad at me because I "force" him to get me a gift at denoted times (read christmas, valentines, anniversary, birthday) gawd if I didnt he would NEVER get me anything. He is one of those people that NEED a calendar (or a wife) to tell them, "now is the time to give a gift" - or he woudnt ever. He doesnt have to help me decorate or undecorate - he just has to put up with the fact that it IS decorated for a month. He just has to understand that these things that he hates tie me to my family and my family is important to me. If he doesnt care, doesnt have anything he likes to celebrate - he could at least let me celebrate and perhaps pretend to enjoy it - or at least help uncomplainingly.
every time it is "time for him to get me a gift" I end up disappointed somehow, He hates getting me a gift ever and that hurts. (mostly birthdays and valentines I am talking here - in all honesty - last year he got me very thoughtful gifts for christmas- ones I appreciate everyday and use often, or almost every day - and he enjoyed giving them - or at least he looked like it. But every time he skips valentines "because he forgot" (honestly HOW can you forget when the USA practically counts down to "v-day" for you? you cant do ANYTHING with out being reminded that it is coming up) or if he shucks his duty for birthdays. It just makes me feel undervalued, that I am not worth a sacrifice, or a mention, or that my happiness doenst matter.- I feel left out and cheated when this happens.
Years ago when we first started dating I told him that Christmas was very important to me. I knew he came from a Jewish background and that if he had holidays or traditions I would be happy to learn to celebrate them and mine, we would celebrate each others holidays. He steadfastly refused saying that he was an atheist and didnt believe in the holidays or traditions that he grew up with. At that point I said fine, but date me, and realize that I need to celebrate these and I would like you to celebrate these with me, this is important to me. He agreed - so why every year, if he agreed to this, does he act miserable, throw tantrums and hurt my feelings about this - he had the chance to walk away. I was very frank about this, saying this is what I required out of a relationship.
At least I was willing - more than willing to incorporate his traditions that he grew up with together to make one family - you celebrate mine - I will celebrate yours. Fair is fair. If you choose not to celebrate yours as you dont believe in them, please respect my beliefs and celebrate mine without being a dick. I cant meet you in the middle if you dont have anything to meet with. And giving up my holiday or even half of it is not possible. I was willing to add to - not take away when we joined together. So dont get angry at me saying I am not meeting you halfway - I offered. At least I am not some radical christian demanding that you convert to my faith or I wont marry you - oh my god - hey that is what he is trying to do - demand that I convert and believe and do everything HIS way. - which is to acknowledge no one and nothing ever.
I wish he DID have some sort of religion so we could both celebrate together each others traditions. It just feels like there is nothing there but blackness from his side - emptiness with nothing to shore you up to give you principles and grounding you.
I think Christmas - or whatever holiday you choose to celebrate at this time of year is important. It is a dark time of the year - we need something to look forward to - for me, I celebrate a more secular holiday - to me it is more about, family, friendship, warmth, sparkles, cookies, good will and then presents.
First let me say that I think all those things above are important all year long - but I do think it is important to sort of remind people about this sort of thing from time to time. That said, humans are also very ritualistic - and having something at this time of year (at least in the northern hemisphere) seems to come natural. Plus - hell who doesnt like getting presents. Hell I really enjoy GIVING presents - more than I enjoy getting presents. _ honestly - I find something I know a particular friend or family member will just LOVE - and I cant WAIT to give it to them. Often I accidentally blurt out what it is, I really get THAT excited... "Oh I cant wait to give you the pants I bought you for Christmas" I said to my Dadd one year - true story - shit. Gave another surprise away (never tell me something that is supposed to be a surprise for someone else - I am so lousy at keeping it quiet just because of my 5year old level of excitement.)
The extra goodwill towards other men at this time of year is a good thing. It is cold. They may not have enough money for food because they are heating their house or whatever. I think donating to toys for tots, soldiers, needy families, salvation army - everything is important. Perhaps at this time of year more than ever (except food banks - they are overrun with food at this time of year and suffer a deficit during other times)
anyway back to Christmas.
There was a story that someone told my years ago, a story that left a permanent impression on my little pea-brain. Something that I think sums up WHY, and what SORT of gift you should get people.
A young man and woman were newly married, and it was their first Christmas, they were very poor. They had no money to get each other even a simple gift. The woman had beautiful long hair, she saw a brush and mirror set that she wanted, but she knew they could not afford it. The man had a gold pocket watch that belonged to his grandfather, one that was missing a chain. Christmas rolled around, and it was time to exchange their gifts. The woman had cut her beautiful long hair off to pay for her husbands gift, a gold chain for his pocket watch. He had sold his watch to buy her the beautiful brush and mirror set for her hair. Each had given something special of themselves to give the other a gift. Each kept their gift as long as they lived, and treasured it.
I think this story is a beautiful, romantic story about love and self sacrifice for another's happiness. Honestly this story brings tears to my eyes.
I think there should be some sacrifice involved in every gift. The thought, the time you put into it, perhaps you had to save up a long time, giving up your chocolate milk on Wednesdays in order to save up 6 bucks to buy your brother that train whistle he wanted so badly. Or perhaps you saved for $ and had to really budget your dollars to buy everyone a little something (me as a teenager on) or perhaps you gave up a haircut, or some jewelery, whatever. Something that you COULD have been selfish and gotten yourself something, or had a more cushy existence. I think that is a part of love. I think that is love. Sacrifice.
I think this is why birthdays, valentines, anniversaries, Christmases and any other reason to exchange/give gifts are nice. It gives you something to look forward too. And hopefully another cares enough to get you something that you want or need, something that you have been putting off getting for yourself (perhaps because you were saving up for their prezzie!)
For me I love decorating for holidays too. I have many things that belonged to my mother. And every time I set them out I think of tons of memories that surround that item. This santa sat here, that ornament she licked every year (dont ask) I got her that decoration, My brother made that one, Dadd fixed this one when the dog knocked it over and it broke. He saved the day. The action of setting them up is important to me - it helps me remember everyone. Especially those that are gone - really it is all that I have.
Of course we always looked forward to Christmas day and Santa arriving. I think I learned at an early age that somehow mom and dad were connected to santa, and the money they made somehow was connected - if took me FOREVER to figure out how they magicked the presents into the house with out me knowing where they were, or without waking me. Truth is - I sleep like the dead - that was made easy haha.
I remember "fat" Christmases, and "skinny" Christmases - I never remember being disappointment. EVER - I think it is because I knew love and sacrifice went into that day of presents and my parents were as happy to give us the gifts as we were to get them. Well truth is I was going nuts for them to open the gifts that I got them first. Actually the only time I was disappointed is when my own father got me an obligatory cheap gift from a dollar store cause all he had gotten me was a gift card, due to the fact that he had a new girlfriend and all her kids to buy for that christmas. All I "want" is to be thought of and have someone get me a gift that they put time and effort into. it wasnt the gift card that hurt, or that I got so little that hurt - I understand money, and many have so very much less than me. It was the stupid plastic bear that he grabbed quickly and wrapped hastily that hurt - because he didnt think of me. It made me feel like I didnt count, that I wasnt important to him that year.
So for me it isnt HOW much I get- or how much you spend, it is THAT I get, something that you, my friend, my family or my lover, put time and effort into. That you may have sacrificed much to provide for me something that you knew I needed or wanted - or that I would love. I dont even mind being re-gifted things. If you think I would love it, I bet I do. It esp means more to me when I know its all you had, or the sacrifice you put into it. (this is why I have 6 sets of earrings I cannot wear - a friend gave them to me for christmas - it was all she could afford - they were all beautiful, and they were hers - I couldnt wear them due to metal allergies, but gosh I treasure them, they were from the heart. Another meaningful gift was when my dadd made me jumps for me, for riding my horse over - he spent A LOT of time on them - that was so wonderful to me. And the hats and scarves that my mother in law makes for me - priceless - you cant get that at any walmart or macys - that is hours of her life she spent making that thinking of me :D
Something that when I look at it, use it or whatever - I will remember you, and the thought that went into it. That is a good gift. That is what I truly want.
so that is me on christmas, prezzies and feelings. there is more - but it is hard to put that down on paper.