Two! I have two TMI's! I'm so proud.
A)
On Saturday last week, my boyfriend and I went around looking at furniture. One big chain store called Buzula had a lot of really nice couches. I have IBS, and lo and behold, had to go BAD when I was there. So I tracked down a sale associate and located the bathrooms, which thank goodness were deserted. So I go in, check the toilet seat (looked clean) and sat down.
After I got done doing my duty/doodie, I got up and noticed that there was a burning sensation on my right butt cheeck. Like the meaty part that is right along the line of where your underwear goes (I wear string bikini style if that helps you to know where this is). I reached back and felt it, and my hand was sticky... like vaseline sticky. There was a little residue on the toilet seat. I had to hurriedly pull up my pants, all the while there is a splotch on my ass that is stinging like I sat in a fire ant nest, hobble to the sink and hurry back in with a wet papertowel to try and wipe whatever the fuck it is that is on my ass off. NO BUENO. Eventually I got *most* of what it was off of me, walked quickly out of the bathroom and told my boyfriend. He thought it was hilarious at first and then realized I was almost in tears.
We left hurriedly, and I was in agony the entire six minute drive home. Like, almost crying. So we get to his apartment and I strip and get in the shower and it HURTS. There is a pink splotch across my butt cheek, and a series of small hives closer towards the crack, and it feels like I'm being stung. Water makes it worse, but he has a minty shower soap with menthol in it and that made it feel a little better. We literally spent 45 minutes in the shower trying to get it to stop hurting. He thought it was hilarious that I kept just saying, "MY ASS HURTS."
I still have no clue what the fuck was on that toilet seat. He suggested perhaps it was mace or pepper spray, but my question is, WHY THE FUCK IS SOMEONE MACING A TOILET SEAT.
I'm still tender :C and it's Wednesday.
B)
I puked today. It's the first time I have puked in a few months, me being very stubborn when it comes to vomiting, upchucking, or ralphing. I am the kind of person who will go to such lengths as to swallow it back down if it comes up.
That being said, today is the day that my main office restrooms decided to clog up and start sending sewage back up through the drains in the floor and the toilets, in both men's and women's restrooms. I work for an Emergency Call Center on the graveyard shift, and my stomach was already a little queasy coming in but I thought I'd be okay once I'd eaten something. Nope.
I had to book it down to the basement bathrooms, which involves going through one security door, down a hallway, out another security door, into an elevator (I'm claustrophobic), down to the basement, and down another hallway and into the bathrooms. Once there, I figured I'd just use the restroom, but once I got up I was like OH HELL. There was no one else in the basement, it being after normal business hours, and I just got on my knees and prayed to the porcelain god. Don't worry, I flushed the excrement first before giving my tribute.
I flushed four times, and deeply regretted the piece of cake and the pink lemonade, but interestingly enough my barbecue chop beef sandwich tasted the same way coming up as it did going down. I had tears coming out of my eyes, snot dripping down my face, and had to wipe the seat down because the force of my vomit made the water splash. GROSS.
And then, OH THEN the cleaning lady had snuck in and asked me, "Do you need like a wet paper towel? Are you okay in there??"
I WAS SO EMBARRASSED. I don't know why I puked, although I'm going to test soon to make sure that a bun in the oven isn't the reason. I was mostly sad that I lost my piece of cake :C It's chocolate Better Than Sex cake with butterfinger bits and caramel and all sorts of stuff. Extreme sadpanda...
Anyways, that's all!