(no subject)
I am so stressed out right now. I've actually gotten to point where I've cracked. I feel sick to my stomach. I'm crying for absolutely no reason at all. I just called my mom at three in the fucking morning. I don't know if I'm going crazy or not. Well, I'm typing so I'm not going crazy, but I just feel like a crazy person. I'm doing so bad in school that I'm scared to actually finish this semester off. I just always feel like being under the influence of something, whether it being alcohol or something else. I have so many problems that I can't really deal with them in a calm, sober state. They aren't stupid problems that revolve around boys or my self image this time. I'm just really scared that I'm going to fail out of college. I don't know how I let myself get to this point at all. I'm not an idiot...I just didn't try very hard last semester, and I think that may be the reason why I'm not trying this semester at all. I crack whenever I know I'm not living up to my expectations. I feel like a failure. I've calculated the hours that I'm going to have to stay up this next week just so I can get ahead in class, and it seems that I'm not going to be able to sleep at all. Sure, I haven't been sleeping for more than about four hours a night lately, but I can't go on zero sleep at all. I'm really thinking of just taking a break next weekend and going back home. I feel like I need my family more than ever right now and that scares me. I've always been so o.k. with being on my own and dealing with my own problems and feelings. I've never needed anybody else's validation or advice to make me feel better. Now I'm crying in the middle of the night and wanting my mom more than anybody else. I can't handle the responsibilities given to me and that makes me feel like a loser. I really don't know what to do right now...but anything would be better than feeling like this.