Apr 07, 2006 07:22
Okay, I never write in here. I only really write in this when I feel like crap, which is right now. I don't know what makes me think that I can have things that I really can't. I'm just angry at myself. I wasn't myself and that makes me feel so unworthy of everything. Tonight I went over to Brian's. Brian is this guy that I've been talking to for about a month. We've only really hung out once before, but nothing major happened. We talk everyday, whether it be online or on the phone. Most of the time it's online. I was really starting to kinda like him. The day after the first time we hung out he sent me text messages telling me he wanted to see me and that he had a really great time with me. I was kinda hoping that this was going in the right direction til I just fucked it up yesterday. Sure, we'd talked about sex and established that niether of us sleeps with "just anybody". One time we were joking around about it and decided we could handle being friends with benefits. For some unknown reason, I still assume that friends with benefits could easilly turn into something bigger and better. He'd told me that he thinks I'm an awesome girl and always asks me why I don't have a boyfriend. Of course, this makes me think I can have a chance with him...that is, until he tells me he isn't ready for a relationship. So, last night I went over...got really high and had sex with him. The sex was good, it was just so akward afterwards. I don't know if I was expecting us to cuddle and act like a real couple or not, but it just wasn't what I expected. We hung out for about thirty minutes after it happened, but it was more in silence than anything else. I just left akwardly with a hug and a quick peck on the cheek. He said, "Well, since your phone doesn't work I guess just message me online, maybe we can hang out tomorrow." He noticed something was wrong with me before I left. He asked "Are you okay? You sure?" about three times. I feel like now that I had sex with him, the mystery is gone. He already knows what he's getting into and hanging out probably translates to "sex" for him. I'm just so mad at myself. I've never done this and I've never lowered my standards so low. I don't know what to think. I don't know whether I should expect anything anymore. Sure, he isn't ready for a relationship but he says he likes me. I'm not a stupid girl. I feel like I just did this so I can please him and that really angers me. I don't know. I guess I'll just have to see where this goes. It's not so much that I feel used. I probably used him more. I just can't believe I let myself be another person in the process or that I did maybe use him. I really like him. I'm just in awe that I allowed myself to do something out of the norm. Oh well. I'm just not really expeccting much now.
"And the talking leads to touching, and the touching leads to sex. And then there is no mystery left."
-Rilo Kiley-