(no subject)
So I wrote this note for Facebook, since that is the biggest means of communicating to all of my acquaintances at the same time. And I wrote it to tell people how I feel, but more than anything I had to say it aloud. It's like telling someone something that you felt, but didn't realize you felt until you heard yourself say it. Writing it made it come out, and making myself allow others to read it makes it more real to me. I'm using others to mirror the feelings back at me. And most of all, I'm forcing myself to abide by my own words.
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My time as a socialite is coming to an end. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it's not coming to an end because of some other universal force, but rather because I want it to. I think about going out to the restaurants and bars, knowing at least one person on every block of downtown Minneapolis, being able to safely assume that I don't have to call people to come hang out because I will simply end up finding friends wherever I go, and I think "Gee, that's great, but why am I doing it? Why am I living this life of a million friends who don't seemingly matter to me? If they made that much of a difference, why can I take them or leave them so easily?" And I don't mean that as a slight on anyone, I don't make friends with bad people. But I just feel like I've got X amount of time and energy to expend on friendships and I've spread it out over too many people. The value I put on each and every friendship is lesser because there are so many of them. If I had three friends, I would value them incredibly! But I have somewhere around 50 friends and when I think about them thinking the same way about my friendship, that they could take it or leave it as well, it makes it a little easier to lessen the time and energy spent on those friendships.
I sit at home and look at my plants. They are alive, and doing fine, but they could be better. Why aren't they in top form? Because I'm not spending time taking care of them. My fish tank had gone a few months, MONTHS!, without having been cleaned, and the only reason it got cleaned was because I came home drunk one night and decided to start cleaning it, and when I woke up on the floor the next day I had to finish it. Point being, I enjoy being reclusive just as much as I enjoy being social, and I need to focus on me more than I have been.
I miss spending time with my closest friends, especially Maiya, who is perhaps the only friend I would move to another city for. When I moved up here I vowed to make a few really close friends and keep everyone else at an arms length. Five years later, I think it's time to make good on that promise to myself.
The biggest reason though is my writing. When I'm hungover, drunk, when any amount of alcohol is involved, I don't get any writing done. I come up with great ideas, sure, but they don't get translated into words and sentences and paragraphs. The ideas keep piling up and not being written down properly, and frankly it's getting a bit cluttered up there in my brain. I need to do some housekeeping, build some shelves, put things in their own spots. So if you don't see me around as much, that is why.
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My time as a socialite is coming to an end. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it's not coming to an end because of some other universal force, but rather because I want it to. I think about going out to the restaurants and bars, knowing at least one person on every block of downtown Minneapolis, being able to safely assume that I don't have to call people to come hang out because I will simply end up finding friends wherever I go, and I think "Gee, that's great, but why am I doing it? Why am I living this life of a million friends who don't seemingly matter to me? If they made that much of a difference, why can I take them or leave them so easily?" And I don't mean that as a slight on anyone, I don't make friends with bad people. But I just feel like I've got X amount of time and energy to expend on friendships and I've spread it out over too many people. The value I put on each and every friendship is lesser because there are so many of them. If I had three friends, I would value them incredibly! But I have somewhere around 50 friends and when I think about them thinking the same way about my friendship, that they could take it or leave it as well, it makes it a little easier to lessen the time and energy spent on those friendships.
I sit at home and look at my plants. They are alive, and doing fine, but they could be better. Why aren't they in top form? Because I'm not spending time taking care of them. My fish tank had gone a few months, MONTHS!, without having been cleaned, and the only reason it got cleaned was because I came home drunk one night and decided to start cleaning it, and when I woke up on the floor the next day I had to finish it. Point being, I enjoy being reclusive just as much as I enjoy being social, and I need to focus on me more than I have been.
I miss spending time with my closest friends, especially Maiya, who is perhaps the only friend I would move to another city for. When I moved up here I vowed to make a few really close friends and keep everyone else at an arms length. Five years later, I think it's time to make good on that promise to myself.
The biggest reason though is my writing. When I'm hungover, drunk, when any amount of alcohol is involved, I don't get any writing done. I come up with great ideas, sure, but they don't get translated into words and sentences and paragraphs. The ideas keep piling up and not being written down properly, and frankly it's getting a bit cluttered up there in my brain. I need to do some housekeeping, build some shelves, put things in their own spots. So if you don't see me around as much, that is why.
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