Some Oldies but Goodies
Me: I just got into a fight with a roll of toilet paper
Lisa: Was it being smarter than you again?
Meghan: As boring working people its like our duty to go out for coffee and talk about work and paying the bills and the tax cuts...
Me: Shouldn't you be WORKING young lady?
Mom: Shouldn’t YOU be cleaning your room, young lady?
Me: Who are you? I don’t even know you! Stop saying inappropriate things to me, you sicko!!!
Me: Just so you know, I couldn’t go to the movies with her today because you said I had to stay home and clean my room or be grounded for the rest of the summer.
Mom: Huh? I told you to clean your room like 2 weeks ago. Are you telling me it’s still not done?!
"Keep your emotional smells to yourself!...I couldn't think of the word fart!" Shelb
Hope - I got bored watching the movie so I started to play bumper pool.
Me - It was a pool party?!
Lisa: do you know what ROTC is?
Me: rioters opposed to torturing cactuses and they’re a secret underground organization that the government has been trying to pinpoint for years when really its in the basement of a KFC in, where else but Kentucky
Holly: what the hell are you two doing over there? Wait, never mind, I don't want to know. Just... not on the key board please. I use that when I'm over there.
Me: You're ugly.
Shelby: You're uglier!
Dad: *sigh* Can't you guys say anything positive to each other?
Me: You're ugly but...there's hope for you yet!
Shelby: You're ugly but...not as ugly as that dog over there!
Dad: I give up, I completely give up on you two.
"I think I walked in at the wrong time" Mrs. and Mr. Brown
"If I were a Life game, where would I be?" Hallsy
Dad: You know, you can have sex without alcohol.
Me: Well, jeez thanks dad! I'm so happy you told me that! Wow, did they steer us wrong back in fourth grade when they first started teaching us about sex and alcohol! You know, they always said the two go hand in hand! You know, they said when we were nine years old we'd better have some booze around for sex. And if we were getting drunk, we'd definitely need that sex. I guess they were wrong! Well, thanks for teaching me that lesson Dad. I was so misinformed. Thanks for clearing up that misconception!"
Dad: Oh my God, oh my god, oh my god...
Me: ok but you pick first
Meghan: I'll pick first but only after u pick
Meghan: I mean I’m going to Ireland and you’re going to New Orleans so clearly you’re beating me there because New Orleans people drink and Irish people like sheep, I’m running out of options
Meghan: Come on! I’m scary and tough. I could take you out.
Me: Out for ice cream maybe.
Shelby: Can I get a Dr. Pepper?
Fast food lady: I’m sorry we don’t have that.
Shelby: Well, then how about a sprite?
Fast food lady: I’m sorry we don’t have Dr. Pepper!
Shelby: Then can I get a SPRITE?
Fast food lady: BECAUSE WE DON’T!
Mom: Wow, he’s ugly.
Me: I wonder if people look at you and say, ‘Wow she’s untactful.’
Mom: Well, ugly is obvious…
Me: If you were ever a superhero you'd be RandomKid and you'd fight the most random crimes, like double parking and stuff
Shelby: What's your cup size?
"Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have." Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
"Oh hell we've been showering together for the last two hours!" - Bon Jovi
"It's easy to be happy when no one is giving you advice on how to be happy." ~Tommy Pickles, Rugrats
"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious." -Brendan Gill
“That’s it I’m taking the voices in my head and myself and I’m leaving” - Shelby
Shelby - “How you do spell schizo?”
Mom - “What did she say?”
Me - “Stencils”
Mom - “S -T”
Me - “Get a dictionary!”
Mom - “E-N”
Shelby - “I SAID SCHIZO not STENCIL”
Mom and Me - “Oh”
Meredith: Tasha, I have written you a song.
Meredith: it goes like this:
Me: oh joy
Meredith: FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENCH! SSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS!
Meredith: *smashes guitar*
Meredith: that's it.
From Boy Meets World:
Eric: I'm telling you, I know people. It's like this fifth sense I have.
Jack: Sixth.
Eric: No, dude that's smell, you gotta be lucky to have that.
Alyssa: "Life without one butt cheek is no life at all..."
Lisa’s dad: No, I’m sorry she’s not here. Can I take a message?
Me: Can you have her call Tasha?
Lisa’s dad: Tasha? Oh you’re the one who moos right?
"The rules are simple. Take your work, but never yourself, seriously. Pour in the love and whatever skill you have, and it will come out." - Chuck Jones
"I'm gonna live forever, or die trying."
- Joseph Heller (Catch 22).
“You went in for a date and came out with a dog? That’s bad, even for you” - Garfield
Meghan: I never had sex with a cow in order to make it through puberty thank you very much Madame
From Off Magazine Street
Byron Burns - “I tend to think the derelicts and whores and drunks are just as significant as anybody else in life. If it weren’t for derelicts who would the do-gooders have to look down to? The good people need the whores and thieves and losers.”
From Metro Girl
Judey: What’s that thing in the trunk?
Barney: Bomb. Probably a warhead, to be more precise.
Judey: I wouldn’t expect any less. You never disappoint.
From Visions of Sugar Plums
Valerie: Look at him! He looks like a loaf of yeast bread just before you bake it. He’s soft and white and totally without substance. Who would have thought he’d have sperm? Do you know what this poor kid will look like? It’ll look like a dinner roll!”
Meredith: Did you know that you're never fully dressed without a smile?
Me: Did you know that you are the most RANDOM person I know?
Meredith: :-!--> this is your new name. you're like the artist formerly known as tasha. now your just :-!.
Me: Just you wait until I get you in the car tomorrow morning. It'll be just like old times
Annie: hahah why?
Me: Because I'm going to MAKE you shorter than me. If it takes beating you down a few inches, so be it.
Lisa: *grin*
Me: Uh huh, I would be grinning to if I just wasked some boy.
Grandma Mazur - “I know what you’re thinking. Do I have any more bullets in this here gun? Well, with all the confusion, what with being locked up in a refrigerator, I plumb forgot what was in here to start with. But being that this is a forty-five magnum, the most powerful handgun in existence, and it could blow your head clean off, you just got to ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?”
Grandma Mazur - “Day my make, punk.”
Sean - I’m my own worst Eskimo (Boy Meets World)
Meghan: It’s like the new Barbie generation! There’s Regular Tasha Barbie and then there’s Secret Life Tasha Barbie, and there’s On The Job Alyssa Barbie and Pleathered Pants Meredith Barbie and just Regular Edition Meghan! I want a Secret Life Meghan Barbie!
Me - "Don't be surprised when you go to go to bed tonight I'm already fast asleep in your bed."
Mom - "You're so small I can just flick you…BING…off, and you're gone."
Me - "That's it, tomorrow I'm going to McDonald's and filling out a job application."
Liam - "Don't go work at McDonalds, Tash. Work at BurgerKing. They have better fries. If I'm going to get free fries, they need to be the good ones."
Me - "THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT!"
Me - “There doesn’t seem to be a lot upstairs, but he seems like a nice kid.”
Jen - “Well he is dating your sister!”
Me - “No, you can’t take my truuuck!”
Jen: You're a dork.
Mom: You're a bigger dork.
Jen: You're a dweeb.
Mom: You're a bigger dweeb.
Jen: You're a nerd.
Mom: You're a bigger nerd.
Jen: You're a Neo-Maxi-Zen-Dweebie.
Mom: *pause* yeah you're definitely that.
Me: you know...they have plastic surgery for that little problem you have...
Shelby: yeah and they have lypo and tummy tucks for yours
Me: Sorry medusa did you say something?
Shelby: Ouch. Medusa?
Me: Yeah she was the ugly demon in Greek mythology who had snakes for hair. I thought the name was appropriate for you
Meredith: I don’t lactate on command.
Meredith: It’s like there’s an aquarium in your ovaries!
Lilly - "Where's the retard?"
Me - "She's upstairs...oh and Lilly? She may be the retard, but you're the retard's slave"
Me: are you starting it, dear mr/mrs soandso?
Meghan: whose mrs soandso?
Meghan: oooh i get it hahahahaha
Me: So-and-so
Me: LMAO
Meghan: hahahahahaha
Meghan: omg...yeah i did start it that way
Tony: I see how it is I’m just some guy in the corner that makes jokes
Me: what corner? I see no corner
Tony: THE THEORHETICAL CORNER!
Mom: "I got your moo!"
Me: she's making me moo....
Me: like MOOOO
Jen: MMMOOOOOO
Me: MOOOOOOO!
Mom: I'm gonna choke that cow.
Shelby - “Get off my plant, Fatty!”
Me - “What?”
Shelby - “See that plant directly in front of us? Mom said that’s my plant cuz it’s the smallest one.”
Me - “Do you water that plant?”
Shelby - “No nature does it for me.”
Me - “Haha, you’re going to be one of those parents who people ask if you change the diaper and you say, no nature does it for me.”
Shelby - “Hahaha no nature is what happens IN his diaper. Unfortunately, I do have to change it.”
Annie - You’re just growing up so fast! (the previous statement must be said in a weepy mother's voice or it doesn't even count on the humor scale)
"I'm trying to spell this damn word and I REALLY gotta piss...god-damned friggin nation" - Shelby
Me: In the famous words of Lisa: weh?
Me: why can't humans ever be satisfied?
Shelby: Because we're all assholes. We think too much of ourselves
Me: I believe you are obsessive compulsive Lisa, in the nicest sense of the word
Me: Now we need to save. To do that: hit save. Rocket science I know but we can't all be as brilliant as me
Me: Well, we did once discuss Reid Cuisine…this can be our Reid barbecue. Fillet de Reid!
Me: and I'm PMSing this week so I told my sister to watch out and not to mess with me
Meg: oh great so you’re gonna be an emotional basket case WITH A GUN.
Mom: I only go plow
Me: That sounds dirty
Mom: I wish.
Lauren Ellis: ‘Have you ever used heroin without a needle?’ What else would you use, a turkey baster?!
Me: She’s a man-eater and I have no idea where she gets it. Certainly not from you or me.
Mom: No, she gets it from her father!
Meghan: Oh my God! You’re a slut! I love it!
Shelby: If he hurts you...I WILL castrate him!
Me: I'd like to have sex BEFORE the world stops spinning!
Tom: I think we should listen to your underwear.
Mom: Tasha, you did know that Jesus is dead right?
Me: Maybe my ass!
Tom: No way, because then I would own you.
Jen: Oh can you imagine the penguin on morphine?
Meghan: what about like pancakes? i cant handle this, so basically im gonna be eating pudding and beer
Lisa: Was it being smarter than you again?
Meghan: As boring working people its like our duty to go out for coffee and talk about work and paying the bills and the tax cuts...
Me: Shouldn't you be WORKING young lady?
Mom: Shouldn’t YOU be cleaning your room, young lady?
Me: Who are you? I don’t even know you! Stop saying inappropriate things to me, you sicko!!!
Me: Just so you know, I couldn’t go to the movies with her today because you said I had to stay home and clean my room or be grounded for the rest of the summer.
Mom: Huh? I told you to clean your room like 2 weeks ago. Are you telling me it’s still not done?!
"Keep your emotional smells to yourself!...I couldn't think of the word fart!" Shelb
Hope - I got bored watching the movie so I started to play bumper pool.
Me - It was a pool party?!
Lisa: do you know what ROTC is?
Me: rioters opposed to torturing cactuses and they’re a secret underground organization that the government has been trying to pinpoint for years when really its in the basement of a KFC in, where else but Kentucky
Holly: what the hell are you two doing over there? Wait, never mind, I don't want to know. Just... not on the key board please. I use that when I'm over there.
Me: You're ugly.
Shelby: You're uglier!
Dad: *sigh* Can't you guys say anything positive to each other?
Me: You're ugly but...there's hope for you yet!
Shelby: You're ugly but...not as ugly as that dog over there!
Dad: I give up, I completely give up on you two.
"I think I walked in at the wrong time" Mrs. and Mr. Brown
"If I were a Life game, where would I be?" Hallsy
Dad: You know, you can have sex without alcohol.
Me: Well, jeez thanks dad! I'm so happy you told me that! Wow, did they steer us wrong back in fourth grade when they first started teaching us about sex and alcohol! You know, they always said the two go hand in hand! You know, they said when we were nine years old we'd better have some booze around for sex. And if we were getting drunk, we'd definitely need that sex. I guess they were wrong! Well, thanks for teaching me that lesson Dad. I was so misinformed. Thanks for clearing up that misconception!"
Dad: Oh my God, oh my god, oh my god...
Me: ok but you pick first
Meghan: I'll pick first but only after u pick
Meghan: I mean I’m going to Ireland and you’re going to New Orleans so clearly you’re beating me there because New Orleans people drink and Irish people like sheep, I’m running out of options
Meghan: Come on! I’m scary and tough. I could take you out.
Me: Out for ice cream maybe.
Shelby: Can I get a Dr. Pepper?
Fast food lady: I’m sorry we don’t have that.
Shelby: Well, then how about a sprite?
Fast food lady: I’m sorry we don’t have Dr. Pepper!
Shelby: Then can I get a SPRITE?
Fast food lady: BECAUSE WE DON’T!
Mom: Wow, he’s ugly.
Me: I wonder if people look at you and say, ‘Wow she’s untactful.’
Mom: Well, ugly is obvious…
Me: If you were ever a superhero you'd be RandomKid and you'd fight the most random crimes, like double parking and stuff
Shelby: What's your cup size?
"Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have." Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
"Oh hell we've been showering together for the last two hours!" - Bon Jovi
"It's easy to be happy when no one is giving you advice on how to be happy." ~Tommy Pickles, Rugrats
"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious." -Brendan Gill
“That’s it I’m taking the voices in my head and myself and I’m leaving” - Shelby
Shelby - “How you do spell schizo?”
Mom - “What did she say?”
Me - “Stencils”
Mom - “S -T”
Me - “Get a dictionary!”
Mom - “E-N”
Shelby - “I SAID SCHIZO not STENCIL”
Mom and Me - “Oh”
Meredith: Tasha, I have written you a song.
Meredith: it goes like this:
Me: oh joy
Meredith: FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENCH! SSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS!
Meredith: *smashes guitar*
Meredith: that's it.
From Boy Meets World:
Eric: I'm telling you, I know people. It's like this fifth sense I have.
Jack: Sixth.
Eric: No, dude that's smell, you gotta be lucky to have that.
Alyssa: "Life without one butt cheek is no life at all..."
Lisa’s dad: No, I’m sorry she’s not here. Can I take a message?
Me: Can you have her call Tasha?
Lisa’s dad: Tasha? Oh you’re the one who moos right?
"The rules are simple. Take your work, but never yourself, seriously. Pour in the love and whatever skill you have, and it will come out." - Chuck Jones
"I'm gonna live forever, or die trying."
- Joseph Heller (Catch 22).
“You went in for a date and came out with a dog? That’s bad, even for you” - Garfield
Meghan: I never had sex with a cow in order to make it through puberty thank you very much Madame
From Off Magazine Street
Byron Burns - “I tend to think the derelicts and whores and drunks are just as significant as anybody else in life. If it weren’t for derelicts who would the do-gooders have to look down to? The good people need the whores and thieves and losers.”
From Metro Girl
Judey: What’s that thing in the trunk?
Barney: Bomb. Probably a warhead, to be more precise.
Judey: I wouldn’t expect any less. You never disappoint.
From Visions of Sugar Plums
Valerie: Look at him! He looks like a loaf of yeast bread just before you bake it. He’s soft and white and totally without substance. Who would have thought he’d have sperm? Do you know what this poor kid will look like? It’ll look like a dinner roll!”
Meredith: Did you know that you're never fully dressed without a smile?
Me: Did you know that you are the most RANDOM person I know?
Meredith: :-!--> this is your new name. you're like the artist formerly known as tasha. now your just :-!.
Me: Just you wait until I get you in the car tomorrow morning. It'll be just like old times
Annie: hahah why?
Me: Because I'm going to MAKE you shorter than me. If it takes beating you down a few inches, so be it.
Lisa: *grin*
Me: Uh huh, I would be grinning to if I just wasked some boy.
Grandma Mazur - “I know what you’re thinking. Do I have any more bullets in this here gun? Well, with all the confusion, what with being locked up in a refrigerator, I plumb forgot what was in here to start with. But being that this is a forty-five magnum, the most powerful handgun in existence, and it could blow your head clean off, you just got to ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?”
Grandma Mazur - “Day my make, punk.”
Sean - I’m my own worst Eskimo (Boy Meets World)
Meghan: It’s like the new Barbie generation! There’s Regular Tasha Barbie and then there’s Secret Life Tasha Barbie, and there’s On The Job Alyssa Barbie and Pleathered Pants Meredith Barbie and just Regular Edition Meghan! I want a Secret Life Meghan Barbie!
Me - "Don't be surprised when you go to go to bed tonight I'm already fast asleep in your bed."
Mom - "You're so small I can just flick you…BING…off, and you're gone."
Me - "That's it, tomorrow I'm going to McDonald's and filling out a job application."
Liam - "Don't go work at McDonalds, Tash. Work at BurgerKing. They have better fries. If I'm going to get free fries, they need to be the good ones."
Me - "THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT!"
Me - “There doesn’t seem to be a lot upstairs, but he seems like a nice kid.”
Jen - “Well he is dating your sister!”
Me - “No, you can’t take my truuuck!”
Jen: You're a dork.
Mom: You're a bigger dork.
Jen: You're a dweeb.
Mom: You're a bigger dweeb.
Jen: You're a nerd.
Mom: You're a bigger nerd.
Jen: You're a Neo-Maxi-Zen-Dweebie.
Mom: *pause* yeah you're definitely that.
Me: you know...they have plastic surgery for that little problem you have...
Shelby: yeah and they have lypo and tummy tucks for yours
Me: Sorry medusa did you say something?
Shelby: Ouch. Medusa?
Me: Yeah she was the ugly demon in Greek mythology who had snakes for hair. I thought the name was appropriate for you
Meredith: I don’t lactate on command.
Meredith: It’s like there’s an aquarium in your ovaries!
Lilly - "Where's the retard?"
Me - "She's upstairs...oh and Lilly? She may be the retard, but you're the retard's slave"
Me: are you starting it, dear mr/mrs soandso?
Meghan: whose mrs soandso?
Meghan: oooh i get it hahahahaha
Me: So-and-so
Me: LMAO
Meghan: hahahahahaha
Meghan: omg...yeah i did start it that way
Tony: I see how it is I’m just some guy in the corner that makes jokes
Me: what corner? I see no corner
Tony: THE THEORHETICAL CORNER!
Mom: "I got your moo!"
Me: she's making me moo....
Me: like MOOOO
Jen: MMMOOOOOO
Me: MOOOOOOO!
Mom: I'm gonna choke that cow.
Shelby - “Get off my plant, Fatty!”
Me - “What?”
Shelby - “See that plant directly in front of us? Mom said that’s my plant cuz it’s the smallest one.”
Me - “Do you water that plant?”
Shelby - “No nature does it for me.”
Me - “Haha, you’re going to be one of those parents who people ask if you change the diaper and you say, no nature does it for me.”
Shelby - “Hahaha no nature is what happens IN his diaper. Unfortunately, I do have to change it.”
Annie - You’re just growing up so fast! (the previous statement must be said in a weepy mother's voice or it doesn't even count on the humor scale)
"I'm trying to spell this damn word and I REALLY gotta piss...god-damned friggin nation" - Shelby
Me: In the famous words of Lisa: weh?
Me: why can't humans ever be satisfied?
Shelby: Because we're all assholes. We think too much of ourselves
Me: I believe you are obsessive compulsive Lisa, in the nicest sense of the word
Me: Now we need to save. To do that: hit save. Rocket science I know but we can't all be as brilliant as me
Me: Well, we did once discuss Reid Cuisine…this can be our Reid barbecue. Fillet de Reid!
Me: and I'm PMSing this week so I told my sister to watch out and not to mess with me
Meg: oh great so you’re gonna be an emotional basket case WITH A GUN.
Mom: I only go plow
Me: That sounds dirty
Mom: I wish.
Lauren Ellis: ‘Have you ever used heroin without a needle?’ What else would you use, a turkey baster?!
Me: She’s a man-eater and I have no idea where she gets it. Certainly not from you or me.
Mom: No, she gets it from her father!
Meghan: Oh my God! You’re a slut! I love it!
Shelby: If he hurts you...I WILL castrate him!
Me: I'd like to have sex BEFORE the world stops spinning!
Tom: I think we should listen to your underwear.
Mom: Tasha, you did know that Jesus is dead right?
Me: Maybe my ass!
Tom: No way, because then I would own you.
Jen: Oh can you imagine the penguin on morphine?
Meghan: what about like pancakes? i cant handle this, so basically im gonna be eating pudding and beer