fic: Ambassador For Wales Seeks New Personal Assistant
title: Ambassador For Wales Seeks New Personal Assistant
characters: Jack/Ianto, PC Andy
words: 1792
rating: PG
note: for darth_fez who bought me a paid account for my birthday ♥ Apparently I'm not over the whole Ianto Jones: Ambassador for Wales hilarity. Jack finds out he's been fired from a position he never wanted in the first place. Spoilers for Torchwood radio play.
Ambassador For Wales Seeks New Personal Assistant
Jack stared at the notice taped to the door leading to the tourist information centre.
AMBASSADOR FOR WALES SEEKING
NEW PERSONAL ASSISTANT
SEE INSIDE FOR MORE DETAILS
It was almost like a lonely hearts ad. Except Jack hadn't been told he'd been dumped. He ripped the poster down, pushed the door open and barked, "Ianto!"
The sight before him was an unusual one. He stopped dead in his tracks, partly because he was stunned and partly because the room was so full of people, so it was difficult to move any further than the doorway. The busiest the tourist centre had ever been was on a Friday night when two old pensioners had wanted directions to Castle Bingo. Today, the room was packed like sardines. Jack couldn't even see Ianto, but he had to be around somewhere.
He pushed his way through the crowd to the area where Ianto usually stood watching James Bond stealthily on his computer. At last, Jack found Ianto chatting to a police constable. Jack grinned dopily as he daydreamed about playing cops and robbers with Ianto...
He shook his head to clear his thoughts. Work now, play later.
"Jack," Ianto said evenly as Jack leaned forward and gripped the edge of Ianto's desk. Ianto didn't even bat an eyelid at Jack's fierceness.
"What the hell is going on here?" Jack gestured to the room jam-packed with citizens. "Are all these people tourists visiting Cardiff?"
Ianto looked around the room as though he'd seen the flock of people for the first time. "Not unless Mermaid Quay has been breeding actual mermaids."
Jack smiled reminiscently. "Did I ever tell you about the time I met a mermaid--"
"Jack." He really did have the attention span of a gnat sometimes, and Ianto preferred not to hear some raunchy story about the time he slept with Ariel. "I do believe you were in the middle of interrogating me."
Jack studied the man before him closely. "I guess the shivers down your spine passed already..."
"They were never there to begin with," Ianto replied coolly. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have people to interview."
Ianto was actually interviewing applicants? Clearly working for Torchwood had driven him insane. Knowing Ianto, he was probably trying to teach Jack a lesson. Finally, Jack recognized the policeman Ianto had been talking to - PC Andy.
"Hi Mulder."
Jack didn't look too pleased to see Gwen's former partner. "You," he groaned.
"Be nice, Jack," Ianto scolded him quietly. "Andy's thinking about a career change."
"I saw the sign on the door," Andy said, a flurry of excitement, "and I was thinking, maybe the police force isn't for me, you know? Maybe I'd make a good office boy--"
Jack stopped him before he went any further. "You're not joining Torchwood. Go chase some other dream." He dropped some pound coins into Andy's palm. "Here, buy yourself some doughnuts."
Mutually, Andy and Ianto sent Jack the darkest of glares. Andy went as far as threatening, "I could have you arrested."
"Guilty as charged!" Jack exclaimed calmly. "Now scram."
Andy didn't so much as scram as he did stalk off. There was much scowling at Jack on his way out.
"You need to work on your social skills," Ianto told Jack once Andy left the room. The look on Ianto's face suggested he felt nothing but sympathy towards the policeman. "He reminds me of someone." When Jack didn't appear to know who that 'someone' was, Ianto added, "Me, Jack."
Jack looked at Ianto incredulously. "He's nothing like you!"
"He's desperate as I was to work for Torchwood." Ianto danced around the subject of Lisa. "I begged you for a job and you gave me a chance. Why don't you give Andy the same treatment?"
"Because Torchwood has enough police constables and he hasn't impressed me with a flying dinosaur."
Ianto looked like the cat who got the cream. "Well, no one can trump that."
Silently, Jack agreed. But they needed to talk. In private.
"Can I have a word?" Jack asked, seizing Ianto's elbow and dragging him whether he liked it or not (Ianto kind of liked it).
"Manhandler," Ianto said once they were in the small room beyond the beaded curtain, freeing his elbow from Jack's grip.
Jack had been called worse names. "Well I do know how to handle my man," he replied smoothly.
Ianto's face remained blank, but his voice gave away his true emotions. "And who might that be?" he asked throatily.
Jack just shook his head and sighed, "Oh Ianto Jones..." He leaned in for a kiss, but Ianto was too busy picking off a string of beads from the door curtain off Jack's shoulder like a speck of dirt. Once Ianto dusted off his shoulders, Jack asked, half-exasperated, half-amused, "You done now?"
Jack reached for him, and Ianto nodded, allowing the older man to kiss him. It was a tender moment where there were no gimmicks, just warmth.
"Aren't you taking this Ambassador thing a bit too far?" Jack asked finally.
"This was Gwen's idea, actually," Ianto confessed.
"Should'a known." Jack reminded himself to put Gwen on cell-cleaning duty later. Cell 48 held a particular alien that kept projectile vomiting.
Ianto had his arms folded across his chest like a business man. "Tell me why I should reconsider firing you."
Jack humoured him. "I'm hard-" he paused deliberately "-working."
Ianto sighed. "It's one of those conversations, is it?"
It was. When wasn't it one of those conversations? Not often. "I have lots of experience!" Jack boasted.
"Yes, the daily anecdotes about your sexual conquests are painful reminders of that truth," Ianto deadpanned.
Jack ticked off another finger. "I'm always available."
"That much is apparent." If Ianto added 'sir' he could get away with being cheeky. "Sir," he threw in.
"I'm flexible..."
There was no stopping Jack now. Except Ianto was going to attempt to. "Jack--"
"I have great oral skills--"
Ianto covered Jack's mouth with the palm of his hand. It was like plugging up a drain hole. Jack looked at Ianto questionably. Until Ianto was satisfied Jack had taken the hint to be quiet, he removed his hand from Jack's big gob.
"Let's discuss your weaknesses," Ianto proposed.
"Let's not," Jack replied, lacking tact, pulling Ianto's hips flush against his. Gently, Ianto shoved him away. He took a moment to weigh up Jack's weak points - of which there were many.
"Your coffee tastes like shit," Ianto said unkindly.
Jack thought he made a decent cup of coffee... up until now. "Ever heard of softening the blow?"
"Ever heard of descaling the coffee maker?"
Jack blinked slowly at Ianto. "...Like a fish?
Ianto wasn't going to dignify that with a response. "Moving swiftly on..." His face lit up triumphantly when he thought of another bad habit of Jack's. "You think getting rid of paperwork by feeding it to the pterodactyl is acceptable."
Jack cringed. "It's good for her serotonin levels?"
Ianto hid a smile at that, and carried on, "You fail to seek consultation when a situation clearly warrants."
"The captain is always right!" Apart from the times he was wrong.
"You mean the customer," Ianto corrected him. "Five words, Jack: sexual harassment in the workplace."
"You love it."
"I tolerate it."
"You lovingly tolerate it."
Ianto went to close his hand over Jack's mouth again, but Jack caught Ianto's hand, kissed the inside of Ianto's wrist, and suddenly Ianto forgot for what reason he was silencing him. "If you're gonna gag me, at least use your tie," Jack said, playing with the knot of his neckwear.
Ianto laughed. "Do you ever stop?" Slowly, his smile became strained. He paused, as though to weigh up whether what he said next would be a good idea or not. "You... take unaccounted absences."
Jack tensed; Ianto's words had hit home. What started as a joke had turned slightly sour. Ianto looked like he regretted taking the conversation in the direction he did.
"That was one time," Jack said softly, a little stung. "You know, you never really told me whether you missed me or not--"
"Every waking moment, Jack." Ianto was almost annoyed at Jack for asking such a pointless question, if only to be reminded for the nth time that when Jack Harkness left the building, he was missed like a left arm that had been lost in a war. Jack was torn between looking delighted and surprised, and Ianto added with an eye roll, "I would have thought that was obvious."
"Sometimes I need stuff spelled out to me," Jack admitted. He cupped Ianto's face in his hands. "I'll be right back, I promise." Jack looked at Ianto reassuringly, then let him go, passing through the beaded curtain. Ianto frowned after him, none too happy about Jack suddenly running off.
"Jack?" Ianto followed him. "Where are you going?"
Somehow Jack had made it to the centre of the crammed room. "Everybody!" he yelled, while Ianto stared at him in a bemused manner. There was still a level of chatter, so Jack whistled with his fingers. "Everybody listen!"
All eyes were on him - just the way he liked it.
"Go home," he said, as though he was talking to his team after a long-suffering day. "The Ambassador for Wales already has an assistant." He caught Ianto's eye from across the room, and Ianto had to take a second to catch his breath. "And he's not going anywhere."
There were murmurs of disappointment, but sooner or later everyone filed out obediently. Eventually, the only people left in the room were Jack and Ianto. Ianto appeared to be blushing, and Jack took great pride in knowing the man's cheeks were pink because of him.
"Inspiring speech," Ianto commented bashfully.
"Inspiring audience," Jack responded, giving Ianto an eyeful. Ianto blushed harder.
"Did you mean what you said?" Ianto sought reassurance.
"Every word," Jack said, hand on heart. "And then some."
Ianto smiled happily. "Well then, consider your job secure."
"Oh, sweet relief! Let's celebrate me not becoming unemployed," Jack said, but Ianto was headed for the exit. Jack caught hold of Ianto's arm. "Hey, where do you think you're going?"
"Home," Ianto replied simply. "You told everyone to go home."
Jack sighed under his breath. "Not you." He turned the sign on the door so it read 'CLOSED'. One push of a button later, the secret door to the Hub opened. He leant against the doorway. "You coming? Work to do."
"Yup." Ianto strolled forwards with his hands in his trouser pockets. "We slave away for hours yet the workload only seems to swell." He smirked as he brushed past Jack. "Amongst other things."
Jack chuckled and gave Ianto a head start down the tunnel.
characters: Jack/Ianto, PC Andy
words: 1792
rating: PG
note: for darth_fez who bought me a paid account for my birthday ♥ Apparently I'm not over the whole Ianto Jones: Ambassador for Wales hilarity. Jack finds out he's been fired from a position he never wanted in the first place. Spoilers for Torchwood radio play.
Ambassador For Wales Seeks New Personal Assistant
Jack stared at the notice taped to the door leading to the tourist information centre.
AMBASSADOR FOR WALES SEEKING
NEW PERSONAL ASSISTANT
SEE INSIDE FOR MORE DETAILS
It was almost like a lonely hearts ad. Except Jack hadn't been told he'd been dumped. He ripped the poster down, pushed the door open and barked, "Ianto!"
The sight before him was an unusual one. He stopped dead in his tracks, partly because he was stunned and partly because the room was so full of people, so it was difficult to move any further than the doorway. The busiest the tourist centre had ever been was on a Friday night when two old pensioners had wanted directions to Castle Bingo. Today, the room was packed like sardines. Jack couldn't even see Ianto, but he had to be around somewhere.
He pushed his way through the crowd to the area where Ianto usually stood watching James Bond stealthily on his computer. At last, Jack found Ianto chatting to a police constable. Jack grinned dopily as he daydreamed about playing cops and robbers with Ianto...
He shook his head to clear his thoughts. Work now, play later.
"Jack," Ianto said evenly as Jack leaned forward and gripped the edge of Ianto's desk. Ianto didn't even bat an eyelid at Jack's fierceness.
"What the hell is going on here?" Jack gestured to the room jam-packed with citizens. "Are all these people tourists visiting Cardiff?"
Ianto looked around the room as though he'd seen the flock of people for the first time. "Not unless Mermaid Quay has been breeding actual mermaids."
Jack smiled reminiscently. "Did I ever tell you about the time I met a mermaid--"
"Jack." He really did have the attention span of a gnat sometimes, and Ianto preferred not to hear some raunchy story about the time he slept with Ariel. "I do believe you were in the middle of interrogating me."
Jack studied the man before him closely. "I guess the shivers down your spine passed already..."
"They were never there to begin with," Ianto replied coolly. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have people to interview."
Ianto was actually interviewing applicants? Clearly working for Torchwood had driven him insane. Knowing Ianto, he was probably trying to teach Jack a lesson. Finally, Jack recognized the policeman Ianto had been talking to - PC Andy.
"Hi Mulder."
Jack didn't look too pleased to see Gwen's former partner. "You," he groaned.
"Be nice, Jack," Ianto scolded him quietly. "Andy's thinking about a career change."
"I saw the sign on the door," Andy said, a flurry of excitement, "and I was thinking, maybe the police force isn't for me, you know? Maybe I'd make a good office boy--"
Jack stopped him before he went any further. "You're not joining Torchwood. Go chase some other dream." He dropped some pound coins into Andy's palm. "Here, buy yourself some doughnuts."
Mutually, Andy and Ianto sent Jack the darkest of glares. Andy went as far as threatening, "I could have you arrested."
"Guilty as charged!" Jack exclaimed calmly. "Now scram."
Andy didn't so much as scram as he did stalk off. There was much scowling at Jack on his way out.
"You need to work on your social skills," Ianto told Jack once Andy left the room. The look on Ianto's face suggested he felt nothing but sympathy towards the policeman. "He reminds me of someone." When Jack didn't appear to know who that 'someone' was, Ianto added, "Me, Jack."
Jack looked at Ianto incredulously. "He's nothing like you!"
"He's desperate as I was to work for Torchwood." Ianto danced around the subject of Lisa. "I begged you for a job and you gave me a chance. Why don't you give Andy the same treatment?"
"Because Torchwood has enough police constables and he hasn't impressed me with a flying dinosaur."
Ianto looked like the cat who got the cream. "Well, no one can trump that."
Silently, Jack agreed. But they needed to talk. In private.
"Can I have a word?" Jack asked, seizing Ianto's elbow and dragging him whether he liked it or not (Ianto kind of liked it).
"Manhandler," Ianto said once they were in the small room beyond the beaded curtain, freeing his elbow from Jack's grip.
Jack had been called worse names. "Well I do know how to handle my man," he replied smoothly.
Ianto's face remained blank, but his voice gave away his true emotions. "And who might that be?" he asked throatily.
Jack just shook his head and sighed, "Oh Ianto Jones..." He leaned in for a kiss, but Ianto was too busy picking off a string of beads from the door curtain off Jack's shoulder like a speck of dirt. Once Ianto dusted off his shoulders, Jack asked, half-exasperated, half-amused, "You done now?"
Jack reached for him, and Ianto nodded, allowing the older man to kiss him. It was a tender moment where there were no gimmicks, just warmth.
"Aren't you taking this Ambassador thing a bit too far?" Jack asked finally.
"This was Gwen's idea, actually," Ianto confessed.
"Should'a known." Jack reminded himself to put Gwen on cell-cleaning duty later. Cell 48 held a particular alien that kept projectile vomiting.
Ianto had his arms folded across his chest like a business man. "Tell me why I should reconsider firing you."
Jack humoured him. "I'm hard-" he paused deliberately "-working."
Ianto sighed. "It's one of those conversations, is it?"
It was. When wasn't it one of those conversations? Not often. "I have lots of experience!" Jack boasted.
"Yes, the daily anecdotes about your sexual conquests are painful reminders of that truth," Ianto deadpanned.
Jack ticked off another finger. "I'm always available."
"That much is apparent." If Ianto added 'sir' he could get away with being cheeky. "Sir," he threw in.
"I'm flexible..."
There was no stopping Jack now. Except Ianto was going to attempt to. "Jack--"
"I have great oral skills--"
Ianto covered Jack's mouth with the palm of his hand. It was like plugging up a drain hole. Jack looked at Ianto questionably. Until Ianto was satisfied Jack had taken the hint to be quiet, he removed his hand from Jack's big gob.
"Let's discuss your weaknesses," Ianto proposed.
"Let's not," Jack replied, lacking tact, pulling Ianto's hips flush against his. Gently, Ianto shoved him away. He took a moment to weigh up Jack's weak points - of which there were many.
"Your coffee tastes like shit," Ianto said unkindly.
Jack thought he made a decent cup of coffee... up until now. "Ever heard of softening the blow?"
"Ever heard of descaling the coffee maker?"
Jack blinked slowly at Ianto. "...Like a fish?
Ianto wasn't going to dignify that with a response. "Moving swiftly on..." His face lit up triumphantly when he thought of another bad habit of Jack's. "You think getting rid of paperwork by feeding it to the pterodactyl is acceptable."
Jack cringed. "It's good for her serotonin levels?"
Ianto hid a smile at that, and carried on, "You fail to seek consultation when a situation clearly warrants."
"The captain is always right!" Apart from the times he was wrong.
"You mean the customer," Ianto corrected him. "Five words, Jack: sexual harassment in the workplace."
"You love it."
"I tolerate it."
"You lovingly tolerate it."
Ianto went to close his hand over Jack's mouth again, but Jack caught Ianto's hand, kissed the inside of Ianto's wrist, and suddenly Ianto forgot for what reason he was silencing him. "If you're gonna gag me, at least use your tie," Jack said, playing with the knot of his neckwear.
Ianto laughed. "Do you ever stop?" Slowly, his smile became strained. He paused, as though to weigh up whether what he said next would be a good idea or not. "You... take unaccounted absences."
Jack tensed; Ianto's words had hit home. What started as a joke had turned slightly sour. Ianto looked like he regretted taking the conversation in the direction he did.
"That was one time," Jack said softly, a little stung. "You know, you never really told me whether you missed me or not--"
"Every waking moment, Jack." Ianto was almost annoyed at Jack for asking such a pointless question, if only to be reminded for the nth time that when Jack Harkness left the building, he was missed like a left arm that had been lost in a war. Jack was torn between looking delighted and surprised, and Ianto added with an eye roll, "I would have thought that was obvious."
"Sometimes I need stuff spelled out to me," Jack admitted. He cupped Ianto's face in his hands. "I'll be right back, I promise." Jack looked at Ianto reassuringly, then let him go, passing through the beaded curtain. Ianto frowned after him, none too happy about Jack suddenly running off.
"Jack?" Ianto followed him. "Where are you going?"
Somehow Jack had made it to the centre of the crammed room. "Everybody!" he yelled, while Ianto stared at him in a bemused manner. There was still a level of chatter, so Jack whistled with his fingers. "Everybody listen!"
All eyes were on him - just the way he liked it.
"Go home," he said, as though he was talking to his team after a long-suffering day. "The Ambassador for Wales already has an assistant." He caught Ianto's eye from across the room, and Ianto had to take a second to catch his breath. "And he's not going anywhere."
There were murmurs of disappointment, but sooner or later everyone filed out obediently. Eventually, the only people left in the room were Jack and Ianto. Ianto appeared to be blushing, and Jack took great pride in knowing the man's cheeks were pink because of him.
"Inspiring speech," Ianto commented bashfully.
"Inspiring audience," Jack responded, giving Ianto an eyeful. Ianto blushed harder.
"Did you mean what you said?" Ianto sought reassurance.
"Every word," Jack said, hand on heart. "And then some."
Ianto smiled happily. "Well then, consider your job secure."
"Oh, sweet relief! Let's celebrate me not becoming unemployed," Jack said, but Ianto was headed for the exit. Jack caught hold of Ianto's arm. "Hey, where do you think you're going?"
"Home," Ianto replied simply. "You told everyone to go home."
Jack sighed under his breath. "Not you." He turned the sign on the door so it read 'CLOSED'. One push of a button later, the secret door to the Hub opened. He leant against the doorway. "You coming? Work to do."
"Yup." Ianto strolled forwards with his hands in his trouser pockets. "We slave away for hours yet the workload only seems to swell." He smirked as he brushed past Jack. "Amongst other things."
Jack chuckled and gave Ianto a head start down the tunnel.