there are many things I'd like to say but I don't know how
Words used to slide out of my pores like sweat. They were my lifeblood, they flowed from me even at times where I felt like there was nothing left. Through sorrow and joy, they were always there. I rarely struggled with the blank white page...at least here. When it came to expelling my thoughts and feelings, the words came easily. Tangled though they were, they still came out of me. But now, every time I come here, I'm left with white noise. There are thins I'd like to say, but I don't know how. The words are jammed inside my heart (head?). This has been going on for the last year, it's like after I graduated from college, I lost my words. Maybe it's because my mind isn't stimulated the way it was when I took college courses or maybe it's because I don't have a room to call my own. Without the silence and space to think, the words fail me. But I'll try to come here more, I miss being able to release the burden of words.
All in all, things on the job front are good. It's hard to get along with all of my co-workers all of the time (I really hate how some of them treat/speak to the clients) but I'm trying to put that aside. The clients are the ones who matter, they're why I am where I'm at. I just hope I'm able to bring some light, some happiness into their lives. I really want to keep working with this population and I hope I'm able to be a guardian to someone with a mental disability someday. They need to be loved more than anyone and I feel my heart reach out toward people like that more and more everyday. On some level, I relate to them. I know what it's like to be cast aside by people you love and to be treated like dirt. I know what it's like to have low self-esteem, I know what it's like to feel different. Sometimes after a day of work, I just have to cry. Because so many of their behaviors come from how other people treated them, cast them aside. And I cry those days where Trinh has a seizure and she can't verbally express herself. I just see the pain in her eyes. I wish I could do more for them. They've taught me so much about being human and what God's love is really about.
Other parts of my life aren't that great, but I'm not ready to discuss it yet. Sometimes I just feel like screaming. I try to throw myself into other things because those things are just out of my control. I pray about it a lot, but I'm still human. Prone to the pitfalls everybody falls into, but I'm struggling to overcome it. Working where I work helps with all that. It gives me something to put my heart into. It always helps me to put the needs of others before myself. If I can make other people happy, it makes me happy too.
One good thing though is that I've successfully become a part-time vegetarian. Ever since I did my fast for Lent, I've only eaten meat once or twice a week. It was easier to do than I thought it would be. I hope to completely give up meat sometime in the future, but I'm happy that I made it this far. It's something I've wanted to do for a while now. I feel a lot healthier without the meat or processed food.
All in all, things on the job front are good. It's hard to get along with all of my co-workers all of the time (I really hate how some of them treat/speak to the clients) but I'm trying to put that aside. The clients are the ones who matter, they're why I am where I'm at. I just hope I'm able to bring some light, some happiness into their lives. I really want to keep working with this population and I hope I'm able to be a guardian to someone with a mental disability someday. They need to be loved more than anyone and I feel my heart reach out toward people like that more and more everyday. On some level, I relate to them. I know what it's like to be cast aside by people you love and to be treated like dirt. I know what it's like to have low self-esteem, I know what it's like to feel different. Sometimes after a day of work, I just have to cry. Because so many of their behaviors come from how other people treated them, cast them aside. And I cry those days where Trinh has a seizure and she can't verbally express herself. I just see the pain in her eyes. I wish I could do more for them. They've taught me so much about being human and what God's love is really about.
Other parts of my life aren't that great, but I'm not ready to discuss it yet. Sometimes I just feel like screaming. I try to throw myself into other things because those things are just out of my control. I pray about it a lot, but I'm still human. Prone to the pitfalls everybody falls into, but I'm struggling to overcome it. Working where I work helps with all that. It gives me something to put my heart into. It always helps me to put the needs of others before myself. If I can make other people happy, it makes me happy too.
One good thing though is that I've successfully become a part-time vegetarian. Ever since I did my fast for Lent, I've only eaten meat once or twice a week. It was easier to do than I thought it would be. I hope to completely give up meat sometime in the future, but I'm happy that I made it this far. It's something I've wanted to do for a while now. I feel a lot healthier without the meat or processed food.