Another Day Another Dollar
I'm gonna spill the guts of my brain.
I'm wearing elastic linen pants to work. It's ok, I've justified it by wearing a nice blouse and denim jacket and wearing makeup. I need these pants to help get me through this fat phase I'm in. Once I lose more weight I can start wearing jeans and being myself.
Being myself is something that has become more distant. I'm not sure why. In therapy, we put all of the shit and put it in a box. I picked a plastic tupperware box colorfully panted. She said I need a top to the box. This box doesn't have a lid, so I stuck in under the sink and locked it up and put away the key. And it's been fine.
The first week was pretty good, I house/dog sat and had a house to myself for once. And sure, I don't go back to bed after work anymore (unless I feel sick), but I am still growing distant. Tim has brought it to my attention that I am not as affectionate as I need to be or as I have been. I even said Haley was more affectionate and she was cheating on him. So by not being as affectionate it makes his mind wander.
Obviously, I'm not cheating on him. I'm just unhappy.
I HATE where I live. I dislike the people I live with. In particular Tim's sister in law. What a bitch.
I actually love my job, but, as my boss explained it, "It would take too long to show you so we just do it ourselves"...so what's the point, then? To sit here and facebook and look up recipes and answer the phone? I took this job because I wanted to learn how a non-profit operates. Don't get me wrong, I am important to this operation and there are days where it is non-stop busy-ness (English degree...and still making up words) and learning. But lately I get paid to sit here and answer the phone. It's a little depressing. Another thing that has come up all of a sudden is my body. I HATE my body. I've gained 30 pounds in 2 years. I'm the heaviest I've ever been. Tim tells me that I'm crazy and that I'm beautiful. But I see something different. It doesn't help that I've completely given up on my overall appearance. I wear a t shirt and jeans to work (except today), I wear NO makeup, I pull my hair back, brush my teeth, and I'm ready in 5 minutes. I do this because I feel like there is no point and that I look the same no matter what I do....ugly. I feel worthless and dirt level. And I don't know why. I feel so much better now that I've gotten girly and put on makeup and dressed up for work. I even stopped plucking my eyebrows there for a while. Yesterday I looked like a caveman. I recently discovered some old pictures and saw how I would always wear makeup and look somewhat cute every time I went out in public. Whatever happened to that? Something to discuss with my therapist, I guess.
Speaking of going through old things, reading the past ten years of my life has been like reading a novel. If it was in book form, it would be difficult to put down. I started reading it at work and continued through the day (nothing to do...what a surprise) and then went home and finished it. In between, I would wonder about past tense jennifer like I would a main character in a book. "What will she do? Why is she letting him trample all over her?" Weird. Maybe I should write a book on my life. I kindof wish I wrote more now. Oh well...I still have oodles of notebooks filled with juicy stuff.
actually it's ever since I started reading this and looking back that Tim has told me I've been weird and distant. Do I miss the beginning of relationships? Is that why I'm down? Damn I want to marry him. Maybe that's my problem. In September it will be 5 years...which is GREAT and I wouldn't trade our years together for anything. But I don't want to be someone's girlfriend forever. I knows this, says he wants to be able to provide for me before we get married. I know that's the truth, it's a man thing wanting to provide for your lady. But it's taking forever for him to get on the fire department...it's all hopeless right now. I'm trying not to feel trapped. But it's hard. I'm earning extra money by dog sitting. And maybe that's why I'm so enthralled in my own past. In a way, it's kind of an escape from whatever I'm going through right now. I even downloaded some music I listened to back then. And it's definitely an escape. It's comforting to know that I have the guy of my dreams, yet discomforting to remember when I had a place of my own and more independence. (When I was 19 and older anyway)
These are the things that I think of. For today.
I'm wearing elastic linen pants to work. It's ok, I've justified it by wearing a nice blouse and denim jacket and wearing makeup. I need these pants to help get me through this fat phase I'm in. Once I lose more weight I can start wearing jeans and being myself.
Being myself is something that has become more distant. I'm not sure why. In therapy, we put all of the shit and put it in a box. I picked a plastic tupperware box colorfully panted. She said I need a top to the box. This box doesn't have a lid, so I stuck in under the sink and locked it up and put away the key. And it's been fine.
The first week was pretty good, I house/dog sat and had a house to myself for once. And sure, I don't go back to bed after work anymore (unless I feel sick), but I am still growing distant. Tim has brought it to my attention that I am not as affectionate as I need to be or as I have been. I even said Haley was more affectionate and she was cheating on him. So by not being as affectionate it makes his mind wander.
Obviously, I'm not cheating on him. I'm just unhappy.
I HATE where I live. I dislike the people I live with. In particular Tim's sister in law. What a bitch.
I actually love my job, but, as my boss explained it, "It would take too long to show you so we just do it ourselves"...so what's the point, then? To sit here and facebook and look up recipes and answer the phone? I took this job because I wanted to learn how a non-profit operates. Don't get me wrong, I am important to this operation and there are days where it is non-stop busy-ness (English degree...and still making up words) and learning. But lately I get paid to sit here and answer the phone. It's a little depressing. Another thing that has come up all of a sudden is my body. I HATE my body. I've gained 30 pounds in 2 years. I'm the heaviest I've ever been. Tim tells me that I'm crazy and that I'm beautiful. But I see something different. It doesn't help that I've completely given up on my overall appearance. I wear a t shirt and jeans to work (except today), I wear NO makeup, I pull my hair back, brush my teeth, and I'm ready in 5 minutes. I do this because I feel like there is no point and that I look the same no matter what I do....ugly. I feel worthless and dirt level. And I don't know why. I feel so much better now that I've gotten girly and put on makeup and dressed up for work. I even stopped plucking my eyebrows there for a while. Yesterday I looked like a caveman. I recently discovered some old pictures and saw how I would always wear makeup and look somewhat cute every time I went out in public. Whatever happened to that? Something to discuss with my therapist, I guess.
Speaking of going through old things, reading the past ten years of my life has been like reading a novel. If it was in book form, it would be difficult to put down. I started reading it at work and continued through the day (nothing to do...what a surprise) and then went home and finished it. In between, I would wonder about past tense jennifer like I would a main character in a book. "What will she do? Why is she letting him trample all over her?" Weird. Maybe I should write a book on my life. I kindof wish I wrote more now. Oh well...I still have oodles of notebooks filled with juicy stuff.
actually it's ever since I started reading this and looking back that Tim has told me I've been weird and distant. Do I miss the beginning of relationships? Is that why I'm down? Damn I want to marry him. Maybe that's my problem. In September it will be 5 years...which is GREAT and I wouldn't trade our years together for anything. But I don't want to be someone's girlfriend forever. I knows this, says he wants to be able to provide for me before we get married. I know that's the truth, it's a man thing wanting to provide for your lady. But it's taking forever for him to get on the fire department...it's all hopeless right now. I'm trying not to feel trapped. But it's hard. I'm earning extra money by dog sitting. And maybe that's why I'm so enthralled in my own past. In a way, it's kind of an escape from whatever I'm going through right now. I even downloaded some music I listened to back then. And it's definitely an escape. It's comforting to know that I have the guy of my dreams, yet discomforting to remember when I had a place of my own and more independence. (When I was 19 and older anyway)
These are the things that I think of. For today.